Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I mooched around Portree main street for the rest of the day, lost in my own thoughts.
The only bright spot was when Iona rang me to thank me for bringing her and Robbie together. ‘We’re taking things slow,’ she told me down the phone, her voice carrying a happy lightness. ‘But thank you for what you did. I never realised what a funny and amazing man he is!’
‘Sometimes, it can take a while before you appreciate what you’ve got or could have.’ I blinked away painful thoughts of Logan.
Julie and Kathleen gave me tea and shortbread when I returned (evidently, they could tell I was off-colour without me needing to say a word) but I didn’t want to talk about it.
It was all my own doing.
I felt too ashamed. Too shabby and deceitful.
Campbell vanished too. No doubt he thought I was every bit as untrustworthy as Logan did.
The realisation that Logan was viewing me as some sly, attention-seeker was sending my heart into free fall.
Hurt jabbed at me over and over. I couldn’t care less about social media engagement or River being invited onto the special Christmas episode of Let’s Dance . I didn’t care about being asked to promote the latest spa break in Dubai or the invitation to visit a cowboy ranch hotel in Texas.
Everything felt as though it didn’t matter anymore. It was as if I’d been living in a bit of a daze, not appreciating life, and then suddenly, the wrapping paper had been torn off this amazing gift and I was able to appreciate it for what it really was. My life had been injected with colour, sound and experiences, all thanks to Logan.
And I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to be back dancing with him, under the stars, with the woodsmoke and the crackle of the bonfire.
But Logan wanted nothing more to do with me.
I buried my face in my hands.
In a week I’d be flying back to London, leaving Skye and Logan behind, and his lasting memory of me would be one of a self-absorbed liar with no moral compass. Someone who only cared about her social media likes and her own self-interest.
That was who I’d once been, it was true.
But I wasn’t like that anymore.
And that change in me—that awakening—had been down to Logan. He and this gorgeous, atmospheric island had helped me discover a new side of myself. One I’d really come to like.
Yes, Skye had wormed its way into my heart. It had made me realise there was something true and beautiful that had been missing from my life.
After I’d lost my parents, I closed myself off, convinced that I could keep everything and everyone at arm’s length, apart from my aunt and uncle. I made the decision to throw everything I had at my career, determined to take every opportunity that came my way because then I wouldn’t need anything else … or anyone.
But life doesn’t work that way.
It turned out to be the best thing for me, being despatched here to Skye. I’d been forced to open myself up to a very different life and come to appreciate what it had to offer.
A dark thought crept into my head as tears stung my eyes. Maybe I should call it a day now and return to London a week early. I’d gathered lots of material for my travel guide already, thanks to Logan, so what was the point of staying here any longer and subjecting myself to more misery? Because I already knew that not seeing Logan would be torture. But if I did pack up and head home now though, wouldn’t that compound what he thought of me?
After leaving a verbal tirade on Justine’s voicemail, telling her just what I thought about her arranging that post, I grabbed my pillow and hugged it as tears began to crawl down my face.
No, I couldn’t leave. I wouldn’t.
I had to try and put things right. But how?
Even though Logan had made it clear he didn’t want anything else to do with me, there must be something I could do to make amends, or to at least try to explain my stupid actions.
I pushed myself more upright on top of my bed as ideas tumbled through my mind.
I owed it to Logan and Campbell to try and make this right. But what could I do? What should I do, to show them how sorry I was?
More thoughts crowded in my head and a nagging voice got louder.
Yes.
I knew what I had to do. I had to shake off the shackles of who I once was and show that I’d changed.
It might be too late for Logan and me—that prospect pierced my heart—but I couldn’t leave without trying to set the record straight.
I wiped the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand.
I’d stay on Skye for my final week and then leave as planned. A small voice whispered that Logan might change his mind, but I knew I was deluding myself. It was nothing more than wishful thinking.
I eyed my phone, sitting there still and dark on my bedside table. I reached for it with tentative fingers.
Sod the consequences. Some things mattered more.
I knew what I had to do.
* * *
I scraped my hair up into a messy top knot, did what I could to salvage my mottled, tear-stained complexion and propped myself up on two pillows on my bed. I looked horrendous, but I didn’t care.
I hadn’t prepared what I was going to say in the video, hadn’t made notes or written anything down. I wanted it to come from my heart, stumbles, fumbles and all.
I gathered myself, stared down my phone camera and started speaking.
‘Sometimes, it takes you doing something monumentally stupid to realise what an utter mess you’ve made of things. It also brings into sharp focus what’s important.’ I cleared my throat and pressed on. ‘That’s what’s happened to me. I’ve let people down—people who I care about very much.’ I swallowed. ‘There’s one person in particular, who I’ve come to realise matters a great deal to me…’ I rubbed the back of my hand against my face and carried on, the red, recording button pulsating on my screen. ‘To be honest, I realised before now how I felt about him, but I tried to fight it. I assured myself that my career should come first and that loving people always ends badly.’
I sat up straighter on my guest room bed. ‘The story on my social media today, about me being involved in a search on Skye for a precious jewel, is untrue. I had that information released to try and raise my media profile. I’m so, so sorry.’
I adjusted the two pillows I was leaning against and gathered myself. ‘I feel so ashamed for misleading you all like this. For what it’s worth, I couldn’t feel any more deceitful than I do right now.’ I pushed a stray hair out of my eyes. ‘Especially as the Isle of Skye and its people have been nothing but kind to me from the moment I stepped onto its shores.’ I picked at a thread on my duvet cover. ‘I have to admit, I wasn’t relishing leaving London and coming here, but over these past couple of weeks, this remote and enigmatic island has captured my heart in ways I could never have imagined.’ I pushed away images of Logan flitting though my mind and refocused the best I could. ‘I was trying to hit back at another influencer because I was jealous of the opportunities she’s been given lately. That’s why I thought it would be a good idea to tell my agent I was involved in searching for the Skye Lovers’ Cross. It was attention seeking at its worst.’ I gave my top knot a sorry shake.
‘Please learn from me. Take time to appreciate the here and now, and the opportunities that you have been given, rather than focusing on what everyone else is doing. Don’t spend your life trying to be something you’re not. And definitely don’t live your life through a screen.’ I’d set my shoulders under my baggy grey jumper. ‘Everything that’s happened has shown me that I need a break, and so I will be taking a hiatus from social media for now. I hope you understand. Please accept my sincere apologies again for what I’ve done, and learn from my mistake. When you have someone come into your life, who you know is precious, grab them with both hands and don’t let go.’ I tried to stifle the sob in my voice and rounded off by blowing a kiss to the camera and jabbing the off button to end the recording.
I knew I was taking a risk, but nothing could stop me from posting the video.
* * *
‘Has all that sea air addled your brain, Darcie? What the hell have you done?’
Justine’s voice fired into my ear later that evening.
‘I’ve done what I thought was right,’ I batted back. ‘I asked you to forget I told you about the treasure-seeking, but instead, you went ahead and posted about it on my feed without my permission.’
‘I’m responsible for your media coverage; for your career,’ she blustered. ‘That’s my job.’
‘Precisely,’ I bit back. ‘You’re supposed to be finding me media opportunities as my agent, not latching onto what I’ve managed to find myself.’
Justine tutted. ‘As your agent Darcie, I’ve done an excellent job of bringing you into the spotlight.’
‘Well, maybe you shouldn’t be my agent any longer.’
Justine sounded like she was a deflating balloon as the light from the streetlamps drizzled through my room’s tartan curtains.
‘But why would you blow up your career like this?’ she entreated.
‘You wouldn’t understand,’ I said honestly.
Justine sighed. ‘You can say that again.’ She tutted. ‘I’ll undertake some damage limitation on this. I’ll come up with a few lines for your social media and say you’re having some sort of “finding yourself” moment up in Skye and need to reboot.’ She raised her voice as her enthusiasm returned. ‘Yes! I’ll say you’re on some Skye-based mindfulness thing.’
‘No, you won’t!’ I snapped, my eyes feeling gritty with tears. ‘In fact, you won’t say anything. You won’t tell any lies or exaggerate or put any sort of PR spin on anything else.’ I straightened my shoulders, as I gripped my phone. ‘I’m done with competing with myself and I’m done trying to compete with other people.’ I took one, low, long breath.
‘Done? What the hell does that mean?’ Justine was shrill.
‘I’ve taken all the blame in my video for the story. As you’ll have heard, I’ve said I was spurred on by envy, and that was why I did what I did. I haven’t implicated you.’ I gave my red nose an absent rub. ‘As far as everyone else is concerned, it’s a fabrication I fed you because of my jealous insecurities.’
‘But your career…’
I scrunched up my eyes, taking in the polished furniture of my room through a mist of tears. ‘I don’t care. There are far more important things in life than social media likes and selfies, Justine. It’s just a pity I’ve realised it too late.’
I cut off the call, jabbed the block button to stop her reaching me and after a few more racking sobs, fell into a tear-addled sleep.