Chapter 29
Very quickly, the water grew cold. The drop in temperature was the first thing I recognized. The sounds of the open ocean wrapped around me. Thready, like I’d been submerged inside a beating heart. A steady pumping filled my ears. I closed my eyes.
We fell through the strands of the moon.
Selena clung tight, helping me capture the little body heat we could garner together. The cold delved into my mind like barbs catching in soft fabric, crippling my ability to relax. Shoulders and legs so rigid I could barely move except to shiver, I tucked into myself, hoarding any warmth I could find.
My lungs began to feel tight.
Selena released her coil around my body to swim above me, fitting her hands on my curved back and pushing rather than weighing me down. I froze at the muscular power of Selena’s body through her touch, the curve and flick of her tail at each stroke, guiding me deeper. My lungs began to protest, stale air heavy in my chest.
Then, Selena was gone. I was alone, a curled-up ball in the dark. Unfolding slowly, I wiggled my fingers and toes, ensuring they hadn’t fallen off and listening to my body respond with slow reluctance.
At the edge of the moonlight, the first convulsion came like a hiccup. I panicked, scrambling for the surface high above. Selena had waited longer than Nori. Perhaps the delay was part of the ritual, perhaps not—I only knew I was suddenly desperate for air. I clawed upward as my body lurched with a violence I didn”t remember from last time. The moon shined through, dim and pale, the size of my thumbprint. It faltered gently over the water, breaking and reforming as waves passed overhead.
The water pressed in on me with dull gravity, distant and strong. A hand slipped into mine, pressing a question into my skin. Are you ready?
I was more than ready, desperate for breath. I expelled lungs free of air, hearing my own forceful burble of release, and squeezed in silent response. Selena found me with roaming hands in the dark. Her cold fingertips ran up my arm, feeling her way to the back of my head, and she drifted close.
Air billowed in like ice carried by wind, cold and potent. As my lungs expanded, my belly grew under my ribcage, the fresh air blasting through the vacant branches of each lobe like new leaves on a tree, growing and unfurling in ?a single instant. I tilted away, gazing up at the sky, or possibly down at the ocean floor. It was hard to tell, and I didn’t care.
The water of the sea fractured into millions of sparkling drops, collected together and yet set apart. I’d seen this before, how they danced and shimmered in the dark water, glittering just for me. They wove around my arms, kissing my face like a loved one they hadn’t seen in a long time, and I closed my eyes, floating in the embrace with liquid ecstasy.
Under the thick blanket of the ocean, I might have stayed forever. I wasn”t cold anymore. I wasn’t anything at all—except content.
A hand grabbed at me, followed by another. They squeezed.
I tried to shake them off, and they gripped tighter. I gave up and relaxed again. The hands gave another squeeze, telling me something important. Something hazy formed in my memory—someone was down here with me in the dark water, someone who was waiting for me to give them something.
Except I didn’t really want to.
I could happily live the remainder of my life here without a care in the world. The hands shook mine gently, and I ignored them. They yanked hard, and I jerked my arm away, suddenly angry.
The hands didn’t release. They tugged me forcefully once again, and I vaulted back, finally agitated enough to strike out, slapping the hands away. It was dark; I missed. But the focus of my attack broke through my sleepy fog. I remembered Selena and the breath I needed to give back.
We found each other again, fingers brushing against each other, and Selena grabbed hold with clinging desperation, ready to increase the scale of assault to help me wake.
I pushed Selena’s arms out of the way, found her chin, and exhaled.
Any sense of peace and serenity washed away as I emptied my lungs, the sharp penetration of clarity filling me instead. I couldn’t move. The blood in my veins hardened like liquid mercury, heavy and thick. My legs slowly exploded. I pushed my hands down toward them, feeling them with my fingertips, desperate to know they were still there. They were—though they burned with fire. Wave over wave of agony coursed through me, and despite the firmness of my own flesh under my hands, I was sure they had fallen off.
The rest of my body was freezing. When I turned my head, the muscles in my neck seemed to snap with icy friction. Dimly, I realized Selena was pulling me to the surface.
We broke through, and once my mouth was out of the water, I released a sound primal and deep, a growl that should only come from a nightmare. My limbs wracking, I was left powerless to stop. For a moment, I doubled over in the water, Selena hovering near, ready for any indication she should help, her face split between patience and worry. Then I screamed and fell forward, my voice traveling through the cold water, fusing with the bubbles rising out of my mouth.
My body began to fold and unfold, ravel and unravel, limp as a piece of yarn coiled into a ball then straightened out again. My legs gleamed metallic, ankles crossed, feet splayed in opposite directions, until they didn’t look like feet anymore.
They thinned and curved, elongated, spreading into wide, flat planes of flexible metal, lightning in color until they were pale gold and shimmering.
I turned away from Selena, ready to vomit.
She reached out in concern until she realized what I was doing, then gently took my hand and towed me away from the contents of my stomach. I vomited twice more, and the Naiad continued pulling me through the water, releasing me to bear the painful aftermath of transition without a word.
Lights flashed in my vision. I closed my eyes, but the flashing continued beneath my eyelids, prying into my brain, my head pounding, nausea building.
My muscles settled into dull, paralyzing pain every time I moved, and exhaustion began to sink in. I didn’t lose consciousness like I had before—perhaps that had been from taking a breath of Naiad air without the release of giving it back. Floating prostrate across the surface, a numb tingle ran down my spine, following the length of my body to my fingers and toes like the pins and needles that come from sitting too long in one position.
“Do you want to stay?” Selena asked softly. “Or would you rather go to the beach?”
I stroked my tail, mute with disbelief. I could understand why some Naiads would want dry land. My tail was long and muscular, and I could feel the power of it as I arched right and left, watching my fins wave gracefully around me.
It was heavy. It dragged me down.
But I liked the water. I liked its embrace. It was more welcoming than air or sand. It had its own personality, its own voice, and the salt in its touch was soothing across my stinging skin. I didn’t immediately answer Selena, not knowing what I’d prefer. Instead, I slid my hands down my hips, fingers running along silky scales as I experimented with the weight of my tail to keep afloat.
“Push down with your tail while using your abdomen to sit up,” Selena said, watching me. “It will help you keep your head above water.”
I tried it, and though the movement was clumsy and I lost equilibrium, I could feel it there, the brace of the water beneath me, willing to hold me up if I could only get the angles and muscles of my tail right. So, I tried again, and then again, my body tired and sore. Finally, I succeeded. Sitting upright, my chest rose above the waves.
Selena followed suit, and we smiled at each other, victorious. “How do you feel?” she asked.
“Tired,” I said, though triumph danced quietly through me, hot and exciting. “Heavy.”
“You’re no heavier than you were before. Your body is just different. Your bones end at your tail; fins and flukes are all cartilage,” Selena said. “We can stay here however long you like. We can practice swimming, or we can move to shore. You are in control. This is your transition.”
I wasn’t certain I was up for swimming. I could barely keep myself afloat. Glancing at the beach, everything was where we’d left it. One corner of the blanket flipped up as if the wind had kicked it.
“We could sit in the shallows if you want both options,” Selena offered, and I released a brief burst of laughter, too aware of the irony that Selena, without knowing me very long, seemed to know me so well. I nodded, and we began cutting through the water toward the beach.
“How fast are you?” I asked, watching Selena effortlessly glide under the surface. The hue of her tail was darker than I’d realized, steel-gray like the hilt of a sword.
“Fast,” Selena said, smiling. “Naiads are the fastest creatures in the sea.” Hands at her sides, she moved with precise and fluid curves of her tail while I floundered beside her.
She didn’t comment when I reached the beach, then changed my mind and swam back out. I was exhausted, my tail vaguely throbbing. Sharp heat jolted through me unexpectedly when I turned a certain way or stretched myself completely out, though the burn was beginning to abate.
I’d spent my life admiring Nori and Olinne, and now that I could move like them, the temptation to soak in the experience was stronger than the need for rest. Selena trailed me, softly offering advice at my swimming, though she mostly watched, calm and quiet.
When the Naiad announced it was time to head in at the first sign of sunrise, I reluctantly beached myself on the sand to wriggle and flop out of the reach of water. Selena transitioned to human form and took my hands, hauling me up to the blanket. It was then my body chose to give in to fatigue, the last few hours spent on borrowed energy, my sore muscles rebelling against extended use. I dropped to my side and fought to keep my eyes open while Selena stood against the early pink sky, gazing at me naked, hands on her hips in exasperation.
Stealing the remaining drinking water from the basket, she doused me in it. The abrupt attack didn’t shock me as it might have had I been dry, but it was cold. I hiked myself up on my elbows, shooting her a look of incredulity.
“I’m washing the salt off,” Selena said, a small bite to her words. “It will make it easier to change back.” She gestured for me to try.
I had no idea where to start. I sat up, gazing down at my pale gold tail.
I loved it. I’d never loved a part of myself before.
“I don’t know how,” I said, though my flat tone said something else entirely.
I don’t want to.
“Well, I can’t explain it,” Selena said unhelpfully, ignoring the unspoken message in my words. “It’s like trying to explain how to walk. I know how to, and I’ve done it all my life. There is thought involved, but not conscious thought, not deliberate thought. You don’t think about where to point your feet or how to move fast enough to catch yourself while slow enough to keep your balance. But it’s there, in the workings of your brain. Try.”
She cocked her hip and waited.
Sighing, I raised my tail, curving it toward my face at an angle that no legs could ever curve into. There was a firmness to it, a strength I’d never felt. I swallowed and willed my tail to change.
It didn’t.
Selena watched, expressionless.
I twisted my tail, moving it right and left. I imagined it changing, tried to feel my legs or feet, buried deep inside. I tried creating knees in the tail, making a corner to prop myself up on, but that didn’t work either.
The sky brightened. Carrying on fruitlessly, I waited for Selena to interject with helpful advice. But she only gazed back, releasing a slow exhale, as if trying to telepathically transfer an ability she couldn’t explain with words.
“Is it my breathing?” I asked, watching the slow rise of her chest. Selena made a face, considering this herself. Turning back to my tail, I closed my eyes. I gathered air in, relaxing my muscles, and felt it happen, a pulling in my flukes like someone tugging on each toe at once, a squeezing and stretching, a separation of one limb into two, and when I opened my eyes, long after I”d stopped feeling the change, my legs were back, the gold scales receded into familiar golden-brown skin.
I tried to swallow my disappointment.