17. Avery
17
AVERY
M y body tingles with memories of Ed’s hands on me. I stretch lazily and climb out of bed. His sweater is on the floor where I dumped it last night, and I pull it on. My nose wrinkles at the musty smell. It needs a wash, but I love wearing it. I love feeling like I’m his, even if he made it clear that will never happen.
I sigh at my stupid schoolgirl fantasies. I should have known Ed would never be the guy for romantic dinners and sunset strolls by the lake. But darn it, we have a connection. We have chemistry. I can’t believe he wouldn’t want to explore that.
I should walk away with my dignity and not settle for a man who only wants one thing. My cheeks heat at the memory of that ‘one thing.’ If there’s a chance to do that again, I’m going to take it. I’ll just have to harden my stupid heart.
I can do casual. Or at least I can try. Because if there’s an opportunity to feel Ed’s hands on me again, I’m taking it.
Sunlight streams in my bedroom window as I pull the curtains. I can’t believe he can see right into my room. But that means I can see into his.
I peer across the street, and I have to tilt my head up to see the small attic window. His curtains are closed, but there are two pieces of his notepad stuck to the window. He’s written across them in large black letters:
Morning Beautiful.
My heart warms at the words, and a stupid grin forms on my face. Darn, he’s going to make it very hard to do casual.
“Something’s different.” Paige peers at me over the downy head of a sleeping Noah. “You’re glowing. Is it a new skin care regime?”
“No.” It’s my lunch break, and Paige has come in early for an appointment for Noah to meet me for lunch.
“Did you get a facial?”
“No.” I shake my head and look away, peering into the cabinet of the cafe so Paige doesn’t see the blush heating my cheeks.
“Oh my god, you had sex!” Half the cafe turns to stare at us, and the teenage boy behind the counter drops a cookie on the floor.
“Shhhh.” I flap my hands at Paige, and she claps hers together and cackles.
Noah’s eyes pop open, and he cries. “Paige, you’ve woken the baby.”
“It’s alright. He needs a feed before the appointment anyway.”
She unbuckles the sling and pulls him out. “I’ll grab a seat. Can you grab me a quiche and a coffee?”
“Quiche and a coffee, got it.” I turn to the counter just as the boy dumps the broken cookie in the trash and turns around.
“Then you can tell me who the hell you’re having sex with.”
Paige takes Noah over to the table, leaving me open-mouthed in front of the kid behind the counter, who turns scarlet and can’t look me in the eye.
I try to channel some of Paige’s ‘don’t give a damn’ attitude, but all that comes out is a feeble croak as I place our order.
“A flat white, a Cappuccino, and two quiches, please.”
When I get to our table, Paige is breastfeeding Noah. I’ve gotten used to seeing my friend’s boobs since she had a baby. Paige is not ashamed to feed him wherever and whenever he needs it, which is how it should be. But it’s something I’d be too embarrassed to do.
“Tell me everything. Who is it? Where did it happen and how big is his…?”
“A Cappuccino and a latte.” Paige is interrupted by the kid coming over with the coffees. He takes one look at the feeding Noah and Paige’s large boob half hanging out, and his eyes go wide.
“I’m the Cappuccino,” Paige says, unaware of his discomfort or not caring about it. The server sets the coffees down on the edge of the table and scurries off behind the counter.
I cover my mouth with my hand, trying not to laugh. “Poor kid.”
Paige waves her hand. “It’s a boob. Get over it.”
She pulls her coffee toward her and breathes in the aroma. “Ah, first coffee of the day. If I have the caffeine hit while he’s feeding, it will be out of my milk by the time of his next feed.”
I pull my mug toward me and wince. It’s not what I ordered, but I don’t want to ruin the poor guy’s day even more by complaining.
“Since when do you drink lattes?” Paige asks.
“I don’t. He got the order wrong.” I dump a sachet of sugar into the oversized latte mug.
Paige frowns at me. “You are going to tell him, right?”
I stir the sugar in. I don’t mind lattes, and I don’t want to cause a fuss. “It’s fine. I’ll drink this.”
Paige frowns. “You’re too nice, Avery. You’ve got to stand up for yourself.”
“It’s just a coffee. It doesn’t matter. I’d rather hear how you and Noah are getting on.”
I take a sip on the latte and it’s far too milky, but it will do.
Paige continues to frown at me. I sip my coffee and set the mug down. “Is he sleeping any better?”
She shakes her head at me. “Don’t change the subject. Who are you fucking?”
The harsh word makes me cringe. “Paige, it’s not like that.”
“Sorry sweetie. Who are you making sweet, sweet love to?”
I snort-laugh and almost inhale my coffee. “I never said I was.”
“You don’t have to. Your skin is glowing, you’re smiling to yourself, and you practically skipped into the cafe.”
My best friend knows me too well. I grew up with Paige, and we both left for college around the same time. She came back to Hope a few months ahead of me, and by the time I got back, she was pregnant.
Still, it’s so new with Ed that I don’t want to share it yet. “I’m not ready to talk about it.”
I take a sip of my coffee while Paige eyes me intently. She raises an eyebrow. “You’re not going to spill to your best friend?”
“We all have out secrets.” I give her a pointed look.
“Touche.”
Paige has never told me or anyone who the father of her baby is. Her brother tried to force it out of her, swearing he’d hunt the guy down and make him own his responsibilities. All I could ever get out of her was that it was a one-night stand, and she never even knew his name. I’ve known Paige a long time, and despite her bravado, I’ve never known her to have a one-night stand. Either she’s protecting someone, or something drove her to do something wild and Noah was the consequence.
“The difference is I’m a hard-ass bitch who doesn’t mind telling people to fuck off and mind their own business. You, on the other hand, are too sweet to keep a secret.”
“You’re not a bitch, Paige.”
“Yeah yeah, let’s own our strength and frame it as a positive. I’m a strong, outspoken woman who doesn’t mind telling people to fuck off and mind their own business.”
She smiles sweetly, showing the dimples in her cheeks which contrast with the tough-girl image she portrays.
Noah pulls away from her breast, and she holds him in one arm while she does up the clip on the left side of her maternity bra. She unhooks the right side of the bra and transfers him to her other arm.
The young server comes over holding two plates of food. “Two quiches.”
The bra falls open, and there’s a flash of nipple before Noah latches on. The kid freezes when his eye catches sight of Paige’s milk-heavy boob.
He slides the plates onto the table and turns away.
I pull the plate toward me and push Paige’s to within arm’s reach. “He forgot the cutlery.”
“Do you think something got him flustered?” Paige smiles sweetly.
I grab cutlery from the counter and slide a set toward Paige. She picks up a fork and, using one hand, begins to eat.
I do the same, hoping the topic is closed. “Who are you seeing today?”
She peers at me over her plate, not taking the bait. Her face lights up, and she points her fork at me. “It’s Ed!”
“Shhhh.” I peer around the cafe as if he might be in here or one of his buddies. The last thing I need is for Ed to think I’m gossiping about him.
I pop a forkful of quiche in my mouth so I don’t have to answer.
“It is. Isn’t it?” Paige smiles triumphantly.
That’s the thing about having a best friend as smart as Paige. I can’t hide anything from her. “Just don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell your brother.”
“Dude.” She looks mock offended. “I know how to keep a secret.”
That’s an understatement. The secret about who the father of Paige’s baby is has everyone in Hope speculating. If it was anyone else, I’d think they were doing it for the attention. But with Paige it’s because, like she said, it’s no one else’s damn business.
“So how did it happen? Is it happening again? Are you dating or just fu…” I narrow my eyes because I don’t like the use of the F word when thinking about what me and Ed did. “…making love?” Paige finishes.
“It’s casual.” I sip my coffee, trying to appear like casual is fine. But I can’t get anything past Paige.
“Oh honey, you don’t do casual.”
“I can. It’s what we agreed. He can’t offer me anything, so…” I shrug. “I’m just going to take what I can get from him.” I think about the way he took me last night, and a smile creeps over my face.
Paige frowns at me. “He told you he doesn’t want anything. How? Is he talking again? Has your therapy worked?” There’s an excited edge to her voice, and I appreciate her excitement about my work.
“No. He wrote it down.”
“He wrote down that he doesn’t want anything but sex?” She sucks in her breath and looks away. “That’s harsh.”
It was harsh, and when I think about his words on the paper, I can’t offer you anything , my heart hurts. “At least he’s clear about his intentions. It’s just casual.”
Paige reaches her free hand across the table and places it on mine.
“Avery, this is the guy you’ve crushed on since you were fourteen. You really think you can do casual with him?”
Her question raises the anxiety that’s been bubbling inside of me. Can I do casual? Can I make this only about sex? “I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “But I want to try.”
She squeezes my hand. “This is bad, Avery. I know you; I know that big heart you’ve got inside of you. I don’t want you to fall in love and be left heartbroken. You deserve better than that.”
I take my hand away and stare down at my coffee.
“Oh shit. You already love him.”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t. We’re just having sex.”
But I’m not fooling my best friend. “Oh honey, you can’t let this go on. Guys like Ed don’t change, Avery. If he said he can’t offer you anything, then he’s being honest. You have to stop this before your heart gets broken.”
She’s right. But my mind goes to his hand on me, the feel of him inside me, and the way he made my body sing like never before. I don’t want to stop that.
“Maybe,” I say noncommittally.