Chapter 18 Ryan
RYAN
The shrill ring of an alarm wakes me with a jolt. I fumble for the clock on the bedside table and wince as my stump knocks against the mattress.
My hand goes for the bottle of pills, and it isn’t there. As I pull myself up to sitting, everything comes rushing back to me.
The pills, which I threw across the room.
Paige and Noah, my son.
Setting the alarm so I wouldn’t miss my physio appointment again.
I grit through the pain as I pull the wheelchair close to the bed. My pills lie scattered on the floor, but I’m done numbing the pain. I may never be the man Paige deserves, but if I want to get to know my son, I can’t wallow in bed all day.
Thinking of my son is enough motivation for me to heave myself into the wheelchair even though my arms tremble.
By the time I reach the shower, I’m sweating. It takes me twenty minutes to wash myself and another twenty to get my clothes on and make some toast.
There’s a long-handled brush and shovel in the kitchen, and I sweep up the pills that haven’t rolled under the fridge and dump them in the trash.
Though every move hurts, it’s time I faced up to my new reality and got the fuck on with it.
My eyes squint in the bright sunlight as I roll out of my room. I wheel down the path, trying to remember where the treatment rooms are. The sides of the path are lined with swaying long grasses. All Paige’s work, I’m guessing.
It puts a smile on my face to think of her designing and planting the garden. I hold out my hand and let the tops of the grass tickle my palm as I roll past.
Paige is just how I remember her and yet utterly different. She has the same determination, the same strength, but her life is nowhere near how I imagined it would be.
She showed me a vulnerable side at the hotel, but there’s nothing vulnerable about the woman who stormed into my room yesterday.
That Paige was all fire and confidence, with zero tolerance for my bullshit.
And it was hot as hell. The way her eyes blazed at me, the way her hips swayed, and the confidence she carried as she moved about my room.
It stirred something inside me, and it stirred me below the belt too.
I didn’t even know if my cock was working anymore. But Paige reminded me I’m a man.
My heart aches when I think of Paige pregnant and alone, and knowing I did that to her makes me want to curl up into a ball.
But I’ve done enough hiding. If I’ve got any chance of being the man she needs, there’s no room for self-pity.
I can’t change the way things unfolded, but I can change the way I show up for her now.
Eventually, I find the treatment rooms in the main building, and my wheels squeak on the shiny new floors. Joel comes out to greet me, and if he’s surprised to see me out of my room, he doesn’t show it.
I follow him down a corridor, and he stops in front of a room and knocks.
A woman answers, all eagerness and youth. She’s in her mid-twenties, and she can’t hide her surprise.
“Mr. Burke. I’m glad you found us.” Her smile is warm and genuine. “I’m Savanna. And you’re my very first patient.” Her cheeks heat, and she glances quickly at Joel. “At the center, I mean.”
Joel grins. “We’re borrowing Savanna in the mornings until we open full time.”
As I wheel into the room, Joel leaves us to it.
Savanna pulls her chair to face me, and her expression turns all business. “It can be hard to make that first step. But if we put in the work, there’s no reason why we can’t get you into a prosthetic and walking again.”
I run a hand through my beard. Yesterday, I would’ve been happy to lie prostrate till the end of my days. But now I have two reasons to want to walk again. “Tell me what I need to do, and I’ll do it.”
She smiles. “Great attitude. First, let’s take a look at your current mobility and any pain points.”
An hour later, I’m sweating from the exercises, and my stump throbs with pain. Savanna suspects there’s an infection, and Joel arranged for the doctor to come out to see me.
In the meantime, I wheel myself to the edge of the center, where the maintenance sheds are.
The maintenance sheds are a line of converted stables with wooden sliding doors that are currently open to let in the crisp fall air.
Paige’s main work area is the nearest shed, which has tables for plants and gardening tools stacked against the wall. But today, she’s in the second shed, bent over a work-bench. My heart gives a kick when I see her.
My gaze travels up from her scuffed work boots to the baggy overalls that hug her rump as she bends over the work-bench.
My mouth waters, remembering how good it felt to nestle her against my body.
Strands of blonde hair have escaped her ponytail and tickle the back of her neck.
She’s wearing safety goggles, and her gaze is focused on the angle grinder on the bench.
She hasn’t noticed me, and I watch her for a moment, captivated by her focus, her soft curves, and the determined set of her mouth.
A few minutes pass before she turns around, and her hand flies to her chest. “You startled me.” Her cheeks turn a gorgeous pink, and a smile tugs at her lips.
“Sorry.” I’m not sorry at all. She looks good with her cheeks flushed, and it’s good to see her smile. “I didn’t want to interrupt.”
I haven’t seen Paige since she dropped the bomb about Noah being my son. I have so many questions that I need answered. I don’t know if she’s mad at me or disappointed, but now that she’s here, I don’t know where to begin.
She pushes the goggles onto her head, causing her hair to stick up. “I’m sharpening my lawnmower blades.”
She holds up a blade in her hand. It’s coated in grass, and there are nicks on the surface. I wheel forward, glad to have something to focus on.
“Have you used an angle grinder before?”
She puts one hand on her hips. “I know how to use tools, Ryan. I’m not helpless.”
Helpless is the last word I’d use to describe Paige. But she didn’t answer my question. “Have you?”
She presses her lips together before answering. “No. But I watched a video, and I can figure it out.”
My lips quirk up in a smile. Is this how Paige figured out motherhood and pregnancy? On her own, looking online for advice. Sadness begins to well up in me, but I hold it back. I wasn’t there for her, but I can be here now.
“I’m sure you can.”
She stares at me for a long moment, and I wonder what she’s thinking. Whether she remembers our nights together or if she just sees a broken man. I desperately want her to see me as more than a broken man in a chair.
“Or I can do it for you.”
I hold out my hand, and reluctantly, she hands the blade over. I put it on my lap as I wheel farther into the shed.
In the SEAL Teams, we all had specialist skills, and mine was metalwork. I’d be the one carrying the breaching equipment when the mission required it. A portable angle grinder, bolt cutters, or a hacksaw, depending on the mission.
I know what I’m doing here, although this is more delicate than breaching a metal door.
“First thing you have to do is clean it.”
There’s a shelf in the back of the shed, and I find a wire brush and a cloth. After gathering them in my lap, I take them back to the table.
While I get busy scraping the dirt off the blade, Paige leans on the bench to watch. I catch the scent of fresh grass cuttings and the floral note of her body wash.
“I’m sorry you found out like you did,” she says quietly.
I run the brush over the blade in quick strokes.
There are a lot of nicks, and it keeps catching.
I just found out the woman I’ve dreamed about for three years has my son, and I missed it.
I missed seeing her belly swell with my child.
I missed the birth, I missed my son’s first laugh, first steps, first tooth.
“Did you try to find me?”
My voice wobbles with emotion, and I focus on the blade, scrubbing the brush over it in quick movements.
“Yes,” she whispers. “When I got to Hope and Mom’s death hit me, I wanted to be back in that hotel room with you so bad.
A week later, I drove to Fort Bragg and sat in that horrible bar hoping you would come in.
Even though I knew you were deployed, I hoped maybe something had happened, and you didn’t go.
And when I found out I was pregnant, I went back every week.
Just to sit on the bar stool and wait for you.
I didn’t know when your deployment ended, but I figured you’d come back there some day.
Once Noah arrived, I stopped going. It was clear I wasn’t going to find you. And I had to focus on him.”
Her words cut me deep. She waited for me, but I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there when she needed me.
“I’m sorry you went through that all on your own.
” I set the brush down and turn to her. I can barely look into her wide eyes.
“If I’d known, I would’ve been there.” I pause before adding, “I went to the bar too, every time I was back. It was the only connection I had to you, and I hoped like hell you’d be there.
That you’d come to find me, that you felt the connection like I did. ”
If I’d known where to find her, with or without my son, I would’ve moved heaven and earth to be with Paige. And if I’d known about Noah, I would’ve left the SEALs to help her raise our son. I would’ve been there for her, and I’d know my son.
Regret is heavy in my chest, and I turn away so she doesn’t see. If only I’d given her my name, my phone number, how differently this all might have played out.
“It happened how it happened. We can’t change the past.” She puts a hand on my shoulder, and her warmth makes me arm tingle. I feel her touch all the way through my body, lighting me up in a way it shouldn’t. Because no matter what we felt in that hotel room, I’m a different man now.
I may never get another chance with Paige, but I want to know my son.
“I want to be in Noah’s life.” I glance up at her, and she takes her hand away.
“You’re his father. You have rights.”
The words cut me, and I turn back to the blade to hide my disappointment. I have the right to be in his life, but I want to be in Paige’s life too.
There’s a clamp attached to the bench, and I fix the blade in it. I guess I should be thankful for any crumbs she’s willing to throw me.
“Where is he today?”
I grab another pair of safety goggles from the bench and slide them on.
“Avery took him for a few hours. She’s getting practice in before her little one arrives.” Paige checks her watch. “I’ve got to pick him up in half an hour on my way to the Huntington job.”
A cloud passes over her face, and then it’s gone.
I turn on the angle grinder, and sparks fly as I move it over the blade. We don’t try to speak over the noise, and it doesn’t take long before the edges are sharp.
Once done, I set the grinder down and push up the goggles. Paige undoes the clamp and inspects the blade.
“There are a lot of nicks in there,” I say. “It must pick up a lot of stones.”
Her expression tightens. “It gets a lot of use.”
She shoves the blade into her carry bag. But there’s something unsettling her. Something’s off.
“You going to be okay attaching it back to the mower?”
Paige gives me a withering look. “Who do you think got it off?”
My lips quirk up in a smile, and I hold my hands up. “Okay, okay, just trying to help.”
With her expression softening, she puts a hand on my shoulder. “Thank you.”
I set the goggles back on the table and wheel the wire scrubber back to the shelf. When I turn around, Paige is leaning on the bench, her intense gaze on me.
“You can meet Noah, but I have rules.”
My mouth tugs up in a smile, remembering a different time and a different set of rules. She smiles too, and for a moment, we’re both back in that hotel room. A fission of energy sparks between us.
Then her smile drops, and she holds up her fingers, counting off the new rules.
“You don’t tell him you’re his father until I’m ready.”
I understand her reasoning, but it still stings. “What should he call me?”
She tugs on her lower lip. “He can call you Uncle Ryan. Everyone around here is his uncle, so that will work.”
She holds up a second finger. “You see him under my supervision until I say otherwise.”
Her caution is reassuring, and I nod in agreement.
“And three, you don’t tell anyone else you’re his father. Not yet.”
“Not until you’re ready?” I finish her sentence.
She nods. “It’s been Noah and me for two and a bit years. I don’t want everything turning topsy turvy and then you fucking off somewhere and leaving him in pieces.”
She glares at me, and I wonder what gave her the impression that I’d do something like that.
I’ve just found her again. I’ve just found out about my son.
How could I possibly leave? But this isn’t the time to delve into whatever hurt she’s holding on to.
She doesn’t know me, not really, and I have to prove myself before she’ll trust me.
“Okay. I understand.”
“Good. I have to get going and put this back on my mower before I get Noah.”
She brushes past me, and I spin my chair to watch her go. Her ass sways confidently as she stalks down the path.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I say to her retreating figure, but she’s too far away to hear me.