Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
Although the weather seemed warmer the following morning, Caitlin dressed in several inside layers, in addition to her outer winter garments, including her balaclava beneath a winter hat.
Then she trekked down to the marsh and sat on the bench.
In the distance, silvery puddles seeped through the white blanket of ice; the frozen bay was breaking up, and Caitlin felt as if something inside her was thawing, too.
Snow lightly fluttered onto the plaque, melting as soon as it landed.
Watching it dissolve on Nicole’s photo, Caitlin could picture the teenager dancing the part of Clara in The Nutcracker , and she had to smile.
Nicole would’ve hated it that the photo commemorating her life was of her dancing instead of acting in a play…
but at least she’s wearing her trademark bright red lipstick.
Caitlin was quiet for a few minutes, and then she cleared her throat and began as if she were speaking on the phone, “Hey, Nicole. It’s me, Caitlin. ”
Feeling a little foolish, she started again. “I just want to say how sorry I am that you died when you were only fifteen.”
Gripped with emotion, Caitlin paused, took a few calming breaths, and continued, “I was devastated when you drowned. I was also angry and hurt because I trusted you and you tricked me into believing you were going to stay at the party. It wasn’t fair of you to do that.
And it wasn’t fair of me to blame myself for your death all these years.
Not that I’m blaming you for dying, either—I know that was an accident.
But I do blame you for leaving the party after you promised you wouldn’t. ”
She sighed. “I also forgive you and I’m going to try to forgive myself, even though it wasn’t my fault.
That’s my New Year’s resolution—to go to therapy and get some help.
Anyway, I’ll never, ever forget you, Nicole.
” Caitlin brushed away a tear. “But I can’t dwell on the past anymore.
It’s time for me to start living my best life.
Just like I wish you could still be here, living yours. ”
She got to her feet and started to walk back to the cottage, but then she paused and swiveled to look at the plaque again.
“By the way, I threw out your snakeskin print bikini. Your mom was right—you were probably too young to wear something like that.” She half laughed, half sobbed.
“But I always thought you looked great in that lipstick.”
Caitlin had barely begun to warm up after her hike to the marsh when she heard someone pull into the driveway. Peeking outside, she saw Shane’s truck, and behind it was Sammy’s car. Good, I’m glad they’re here , she thought, eager to talk to each of them again.
Exchanging greetings at the door, Shane remarked, “Wow, that’s a big bandage. Does it hurt a lot?”
“No, it looks worse than it feels,” she assured him, and invited them in.
But Shane told her, “Sammy wants to speak to you alone, so I’ll hang out in the yard until he’s done.”
“Uh-oh, you better talk quickly, or Shane will turn into an icicle,” Caitlin joked to put the teenager at ease as he came into the cottage. He was holding a rectangular pan wrapped in tin foil.
“I, uh, I just wanted to say I’m sorry I scared you the other day,” Sammy said, his eyes downcast. “I didn’t mean to. And I’m sorry you slipped and cut your face.”
“I know you didn’t intend to scare me. It’s not your fault I got hurt.
” Caitlin had already decided that as one of her first steps toward openly acknowledging the past, she was going to level with him, so she explained, “When I was your age, I had a friend who drowned in the bay, so when I saw you out there on the ice, I overreacted.”
“Yeah, but if I hadn’t?—”
“Sammy, take it from me, you can’t go down that road,” she interrupted. “You didn’t intend to scare me, and you said you were sorry. That’s all you can do. Besides, I’m fine. You’re fine. We’re good. And hey, thanks for helping Shane fix the gutter.”
“You’re welcome.” He gave her a sheepish smile and handed her the pan. “This is from my mom. She said to tell you it’s a soft noodle dish, in case your injury makes it difficult for you to chew.”
“Thank you. That’s very sweet… but I’m surprised you told her what happened.”
“I didn’t—Shane did.”
“I hope you’re not in trouble?”
He mumbled, “Not too much.”
“When I call to thank her for the meal, I’ll let her know it wasn’t your fault,” she said.
“Okay, but she won’t know who you are. Shane and I never told her whose cottage we were working on, even though I think she got suspicious after she met you at the Halloween party.”
Caitlin laughed and she could’ve hugged the sweet teenager but she didn’t want to embarrass the poor kid. “Thanks for being discreet, and thanks for all your good work on the windmill. I think you’re going to be very successful in your field.”
“Mm-hmm,” he mumbled, ducking his head. Then he pushed open the door to let Shane in as he went out.
As usual, Shane took care to wipe his feet on the rug—it was one of the small, considerate things Caitlin liked about him—and then he removed his hat. “It’s my turn to apologize now.”
“I have something to tell you, too."
“Me, first,” he insisted, nervously running a hand through his hair.
“I’m very sorry I made those obnoxious comments.
I was completely out of line. Whatever you do with the cottage is your business and I had no right to say anything about it.
I think I was just frustrated because I felt so personally invested in it.
I mean, I felt privileged to help you fulfill your aunt’s dream.
It was sort of like we were… like we were partnering together in a really meaningful way. ”
He paused, his eyes searching Caitlin’s face, as if to read her reaction. Moved by his openness, she nodded. “I felt like we had a strong connection, too.”
He continued. “And even though you were going to sell the property, I knew the remodel would add to the value of the house, which would ultimately benefit you. And that made me happy because you’d been through a rough time recently and I liked knowing something good was coming your way.
So that’s why I was hoping you’d fight for it instead of… ”
“Rolling over and playing dead?” she prompted, recalling his words.
His ears went scarlet. “No. I was going to say instead of letting those swindlers rip it out of your hands, but I didn’t want to be too derisive toward your aunt’s relatives,” he clarified with a wry smile.
“I never should’ve said you rolled over and played dead about any of the circumstances you shared with me.
I truly do admire you for how easily you can let some offenses slide and get on with life. ”
“Hmm, it might seem that way, but I’m afraid that’s not accurate.” Figuring it would be easier to be vulnerable if they weren’t standing face-to-face, she said, “I’d like to explain, but it might take a while. Can we chat up in the loft?”
So she made coffee for him and tea for herself, and they carried their mugs to the loft, where Caitlin turned up the electric fireplace.
For a few minutes, they sat in silence, staring out the window as the sun bathed the icy water with soft light.
When Caitlin began speaking, she asked if Shane had ever heard any stories about Nicole drowning.
“Yes,” he acknowledged. “I’ve heard a few different accounts.”
“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, since it’s a small island,” she said. “But how come you didn’t let on that you knew?”
“Why would I? It didn’t have anything to do with you and me, or with remodeling the loft.
Besides, I’m sure it’s a painful topic, and it was clear you were very guarded about your privacy,” he said.
“I didn’t want to bring up something that would hurt you or something you obviously didn’t want to talk about.
I can’t even imagine how traumatizing that was for you when you were a teenager. ”
“That’s what everyone thinks. And it’s true, I was completely broken up about Nicole dying.
But there’s more to it than that.” Without mentioning anything about Craig, Caitlin recounted what had happened that evening, and she confided how guilty she’d felt for sneaking off with Donald.
“I always felt like if I had only stayed at the party, then Nicole wouldn’t have walked down the beach alone. ”
“That’s a boatload of guilt for a kid,” he said. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“My aunt tried to say that from the very beginning, but…” Her voice drifted off as she thought about how ferociously Lydia had defended her when Pam blamed Caitlin for Nicole’s disappearance.
“Your aunt was right.” Shane’s tone was unequivocal. “Trust me. I was a lot like Nicole when I was in high school. Strong-willed. Bent on doing my own thing, my own way. I’m telling you, even if you had stuck to Nicole like glue, if she wanted to ditch the party early, she would’ve found a way.”
“Yeah, I know that intellectually, but emotionally… it’s hard to internalize. Now I’ve lived with the guilt for so long, it almost seems wrong to let go of it,” she admitted. “But I’m going to try.”
“Good,” he said emphatically.
“Anyway, I know you’re sorry that you asked me why I roll over and play dead, but honestly, it was a valid question, and it made me realize something about myself.
” Then she told him what she’d never told anyone else.
“See, after Nicole died, I came up here to the loft, and I cried. You may have heard rumors about how I freaked out and locked myself up here, or whatever, but that’s not what happened.
I’d been awake most of the night, so I was really tired and I cried myself to sleep. ”
He shifted a little, waiting for her to continue. After she told him what she’d heard Nicole’s grandmother saying, Shane squeezed her shoulder. “That must have been unbearable for her—and so sad for you to hear it.”
“Yes, it was. And in a way… I think on some level, I stopped living a little that day, too. I mean, after that, I felt like it wasn’t fair that I should get to go to college or travel or have a career.
” Her voice wobbled as she continued, “And I especially didn’t feel like it was fair for me to fall in love, or to have anyone truly love me, since I was…
I was off making out with my boyfriend while Nicole was drowning… ”
Shane’s voice was like a moan. “Oh, Caitlin.”
“So when something unfair happens and I don’t fight back, it’s not because I’m passive by nature.
And it’s not because I’m particularly generous, or forgiving, either—although I try my best to take extenuating circumstances into consideration,” she said.
“It’s that deep down, I feel like, well, like at least I’m alive, so who am I to complain?
Or maybe that I don’t deserve any better. ”
“That’s so untrue.”
She nodded. “I’m starting to see that now… which is why I’ve decided I’m going to fight to keep the cottage, no matter what it takes. Even if I have to drain my retirement account to hire an attorney.”
“Yes!” Shane shouted, punching both fists into the air. “I’m sure you’ll win and when you do, you can replenish your savings from the money you’ll get from the sale of the cottage.”
“No, I won’t.” She clarified, “When I say I’m going to fight to keep the cottage, I mean keep it for myself —I’m not going to put it on the market.”
His jaw dropped. “So does that mean you’re going to…?” He looked so bewildered that Caitlin connected the dots for him.
“If I win the case, I’m going to move here, and start my own consulting business. I figure if I win, I’ll have a place to live rent-free while I’m building my client list. And if I need to, I can always work at a bakery or something,” she said. “And if I lose?—”
Shane cut in. “You won’t .”
“But if I do, then at least it won’t be because I gave up.”
Shane’s eyes were gleaming. “That’s the spirit!”
Caitlin smiled and slapped her hands on her knees. “You know what? I still have the steaks I was going to make for dinner the other day. Are you hungry?”
“I’m starving .”
“Starving enough to try Dune Island lobster-stuffed mushrooms?” she asked as they both stood up.
He rubbed his hands together. “By the potful.”
“Don’t make me laugh—it hurts my face,” complained Caitlin, even though she didn’t mind at all.
The sun had long set by the time they’d made dinner, so they ate in the kitchen, but after they’d finished their meal and washed and dried the dishes, they brought slices of cheesecake upstairs to the loft to savor in front of the fireplace.
As Shane set the tray on the upturned crate, Caitlin dimmed the lights so they could see the sky. “No stars, but it’s flurrying,” she announced, and he joined her at the triple window.
“Beautiful,” he murmured.
“Yes, it is, even at night.”
“No, I meant you .” He gently took her by the shoulders and guided her to face him. “I think you’re beautiful, Caitlin, inside and out.”
Self-consciously touching her bandage, she asked, “Even with this?”
He tenderly lowered her fingers from her face. “Even if you were wrapped in gauze from head to toe,” he said, with a fetching smile. “I was attracted to you the moment we met and the more I’ve gotten to know you, the more infatuated I’ve become.”
“I… I feel the same way about you, Shane,” she whispered.
It was a different season and a different decade, but as they embraced and Shane tentatively brushed his soft lips against her cheek, Caitlin felt as blissful and carefree as the first time she fell in love on Dune Island.