19. Nicole
Chapter 19 Nicole
Nicole waited until the van appeared on the track and then sprinted toward it.
Joel pulled up, leaned across and opened the door for her. “I’ve never driven a getaway vehicle before. I might need some tips. Do you want to sit in the front or the back?”
If she was being sensible she’d probably hide away in the back, but she was tired of living her life that way.
“Front is fine.”
He waited while she settled herself and fastened her seat belt. “No one will recognize you, anyway. I see you’re a blonde today.”
She didn’t tell him that no matter what her disguise, someone usually recognized her. She didn’t want to burst the bubble. “Let’s go.”
He reversed the van in the turning space and set off down the track. “As a matter of interest, what made you decide to trust me?”
“Who said I trust you?”
“Ouch.” He looked so wounded that she smiled.
“The answer to your question is that Milly trusts you, and I trust Milly.”
“She’s a good person.”
“Yes, she is.” She noticed that his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled. “She deserves better than Richard, that’s for sure.”
“That, we can agree on. So where do you want to go, or are you going to let me decide?”
“You decide. Somewhere remote. Somewhere we’re not likely to meet people. I’m guessing that’s a tough ask for the Lakes in the summer.”
“Not necessarily. Summer tourists have a pattern. They mostly get up late, enjoy a slow breakfast and then congregate in all the most popular areas. We won’t be going there. I’m not saying we won’t meet anyone, but they’ll be hikers or climbers, and you can stay behind me and keep your head down. Also, we have Buster.”
“Buster?” She heard a whine from behind her and turned to see a beautiful spaniel, tail wagging, legs braced as he swayed with the movement of the van.
“Are you okay with dogs? I probably should have asked.”
“I love dogs.” She would have had one, but she’d decided it wasn’t fair with her lifestyle. But her lifestyle was about to change, wasn’t it? Maybe there would be room for a dog in this new family she was dreaming about. She almost smiled at herself. She needed to figure out how to care for a baby before she added in a lively puppy. “How long have you had him?”
“He’s not mine. He belongs to my sister, but I’m dog-sitting while she’s away. You don’t have a dog?”
“Up until now I’ve never been in one place for long enough.”
“Up until now?” He turned off the main road and followed a winding road that led into a valley. “Does that mean you’re thinking of hanging around?”
“I don’t know. My life is complicated. So complicated it makes my brain hurt to think about it.” She hoped he wouldn’t ask in what way it was complicated because she didn’t want to talk about it. She wouldn’t have known where to start. It wasn’t clear in her own head, so she certainly wouldn’t have been able to share it.
Fortunately he was one of those rare people who knew when to let a subject drop.
“In that case you were right to get out in the mountains. It’s the perfect cure for an overheated brain.” He drove out of Forest Nest, past the sign and toward the village.
It was early, and there was little traffic.
He took narrow roads that snaked along the valley, past another lake and then gradually started to climb.
She gazed out the window, loving the wildness of it and appreciating the fact that right at this moment no one knew where she was.
She was as close to being invisible as she’d ever been, and it was a good feeling. She felt free and normal and happy.
“I’d forgotten how stunning it is here. The scenery is like nowhere else.”
“Milly says you spent your childhood here.”
They crossed a stone bridge, and she glanced down at the river rushing beneath it.
“Yes. That seems like a lifetime ago. And do you know the weird thing? All I wanted was what I have now. I had such a clear goal in my head.”
He slowed down to allow a couple of sheep to cross the road. “And now you have it, you’re not sure if you want it anymore.”
She turned her head to look at him, wondering how he could read her so clearly. “I’d be mad not to want it, wouldn’t I?”
“No. People change. I’m not the same person I was at eighteen, and I don’t suppose you are either.”
She thought back to the excitement of that time. It had felt like a nonstop adrenaline rush.
“I’ve been lucky.”
“Luck plays a part, sure, but there’s always more to it than that. Talent. Hard work. Resilience. Focus. Sacrifice. Do you miss LA? Are you homesick?”
She should be, shouldn’t she?
At night she slept on Milly’s spare bed, and if occasionally she thought of her giant custom-made bed in her house with its expensive mattress, it wasn’t because she missed it but because she was relieved she wasn’t there.
“I don’t miss it. I’m not homesick.” Saying those words aloud cleared her head. She should sell the house. She hadn’t spent a single night there since the incident with the intruder. “Have you ever just wanted to start fresh?”
“Yes.” He slowed down as they approached a hairpin bend. “And I did. Five years ago. I was living in London. Worked for a big international firm. Spent half my life in airports or doing site visits. It was relentless.”
“How did you end up here?”
“My brother-in-law died suddenly. My sister was struggling on her own with two little girls. My nieces.” His smile was soft. “I wanted to be closer to her so I could help when needed. I was willing to take any job that gave me flexibility and some control over my time. Connie had a job for a maintenance person with carpentry experience, and it seemed ideal to me. I assume you know Connie.”
“Yes.” Nicole felt a rush of affection. “I always wished she was my mother.”
“I know what you mean. She’s been great to me. Gave me time off whenever I needed to take the kids for Suzie. Let me leave early. I made sure the jobs got done, and she didn’t care how I managed it all.” He eased the van closer to the edge of the road to allow a car to pass. “After a decade of working for a corporation that felt as if it was full of machines, not people, she restored my faith in human nature.”
“I can believe that.”
The road climbed up through the valley, and she gazed at the wild beauty around them, reflecting on the ups and downs of life.
“How is your sister doing?”
“She’s doing well, thanks. Tough couple of years, and then she met someone. Pete’s a doctor. They got married last year.”
“You like him?”
“Very much. He’s a great guy. And the girls adore him.”
“So Uncle Joel is no longer so much in demand.”
“I see quite a bit of them, but it’s usually planned rather than an emergency.” He turned into a small parking area with just one other car. “We can walk from here. It’s steep, but it should be quiet, and the views from the top are incredible. I packed water and a snack into my backpack. And I have a spare layer if you need it, but I doubt you will because it’s hot.”
It was more than hot. It was sweltering, but she didn’t care. She was just so happy and grateful to be outdoors.
“I’ll be fine, but thank you.”
She stepped out of the car and felt the sun warm her face. The fells rose up around her, cocooning them from the outside world. She heard the soft rush of water from the nearby stream and the occasional bleating of sheep. Fuchsia-pink foxgloves speared through dense ferns, adding a splash of bright color to the landscape.
“It’s peaceful.”
“It’s a magical spot.” He changed into hiking boots, hauled a large backpack onto his back and snapped a lead onto Buster’s collar. “He’s good, but I don’t take any chances around sheep.”
She laced up the hiking boots Milly had given her and rammed a hat onto her head, tugging down the brim.
He watched her. “Is that for disguise? Because we’re pretty much the only people here.”
“Reflex action.”
He nodded. “Well, Buster and I have your back, so hopefully you can relax. I’m guessing that’s something you don’t do very often.”
“Hardly ever.” But she felt relaxed now. The landscape was wild and beautiful, and it made her feel so small and insignificant that her problems shrank to nothing, and she wished she could just stay here, in this moment, and never go back to her life.
She’d never been able to get into mindfulness (although she did yoga for her backache), but as she followed him up the narrow trail, picking her way between rocks and scrambling up the steeper parts, the repetitive action of putting one foot in front of the other was oddly calming.
They climbed steadily toward the ridge in the distance, occasionally stopping to drink water. And during those pauses Joel did most of the talking. He didn’t ask about her life. He didn’t question her about anything, but he spoke freely about himself.
She learned that he’d been born and raised in a small town about half an hour from Forest Nest and that his sister still lived in the same town. His mother had died when he was five, and he’d been very close to his dad.
“My dad first brought me up here when I was seven. He gave me a book with all the Lakeland fells listed, and we ticked them off as we did them. I climbed a hundred and eighty with him. After he died my sister and I did his favorite climb together in his memory.”
She learned that he’d always liked building things and that one of the reasons he’d taken the job in London was that, after his father died, he couldn’t bear to be in the Lakes because it was so full of memories that every walk was painful.
So he’d moved away, and while his sister was getting married and raising a family, Joel had been building a life and a career in London, flying round the world working on big prestigious projects.
She learned that he’d had two long-term relationships, neither of which had worked out, mostly because he was always working and couldn’t find a way to be more available to a partner while still doing his job.
And then there was the day when he’d been staying in an anonymous hotel room in Toronto and he’d had a call from his sister to say that his brother-in-law had died suddenly. He’d flown home right away.
“And that was it.” They paused on a ridge, and he delved into the backpack and pulled out a couple of chocolate bars. “I resigned from my job, moved in with my sister for six months and kept things going until she was able to function again.”
“You’re a good brother.”
“She would have done the same for me.” He held out a chocolate bar, and she almost took it but then shook her head.
“I don’t eat chocolate.”
“What, never?” He tore the wrapper off his and ate a piece.
“Not for years.”
“Allergies? You don’t like chocolate?”
“I love chocolate.”
He studied her face for a moment and then glanced over her shoulder to the path they’d taken. “Look at how far we’ve walked. You don’t think you could safely eat a square of chocolate?”
“Do you know one of the things you need to be a successful actress? Self-discipline. You learn lines, no matter how tired you are, you show up on time, you play nice, you train for whatever part you’re playing, you say no to chocolate.”
He nodded and snapped off a piece of chocolate for himself.
“Makes sense. In a way it’s no different from how you succeed in any field. But today you’re not an actress. Today you’re just Nicole. You’re off duty, so if you want to change your mind about that chocolate at any point, let me know.”
Today you’re just Nicole.
“I spend my whole life pretending to be other people. I’m not sure I know how to be just Nicole.”
He smiled. “You start by doing all the things your movie-star self wouldn’t do. Anyway, you don’t really want this chocolate, so I’m putting it away now.” He reached for the backpack, but she grabbed his arm and then the chocolate and the resultant tussle made them both laugh.
She ate the first piece of chocolate and closed her eyes, savoring the smooth sweetness. “Oh my—”
“You’d forgotten how good it is.” Still laughing, he watched as she broke off another piece.
“You’ve corrupted me. This is a slippery slope. Temptation.”
“I would have called it having fun .” He waited while she ate the last of the chocolate and then swung the backpack on. “This is so much lighter now you’ve eaten the chocolate. At least now you’ll have the energy to finish the walk. We’re about halfway.”
“Are you going to give me more chocolate at the top?”
He set off up the path again. “You don’t eat chocolate. Why would I give you chocolate?”
“Because—” She cannoned into him, and he shot out a hand to steady her. “What? Next time warn me before you stop.”
And then she saw the couple approaching them down the path.
“It’s fine.” Joel’s voice was calm. “We’re in the middle of nowhere. Even if they think you look a bit familiar, they’re not going to recognize you here out of context.”
Nicole sighed. She had a feeling he was about to have a rude awakening.
They drew closer, and the man lifted his hand by way of a greeting. “I’m relieved to see you. We’re not sure if we’re on the right path. How far to the road? If we can find the road, we can just follow it back to our car.”
Joel turned and pointed the way they’d just come, but the woman wasn’t paying attention. She was staring at Nicole.
“Oh my God. You’re . . .” she was almost stammering “. . . she’s that actress. You’re that actress. Ted? You know who I mean—the famous one—I can’t remember her name—”
Nicole froze, but Joel laughed.
“She gets that a lot, don’t you, Wendy?”
Wendy?
He was looking at her, so she assumed he was talking to her.
“I—uh, yes, I do. I’m always being told I look like that actress. I can’t remember her name either.”
“I keep telling her she should make a career of it,” Joel said, “that whole look-alike thing. She could open village fetes or cut ribbons and things. Make herself a fortune. I think there’s a website where you can book people. Do you want her to autograph something for you? That would be funny.”
The woman was staring at Nicole. “It’s uncanny. You could be her.”
“Well, not really,” Joel said, “because then she’d have to act, and Wendy can’t act to save her life, can you, Wend?”
“No. Acting isn’t really my thing.” But it seemed to be Joel’s thing. If she hadn’t been feeling so exposed and vulnerable, she would have been in awe of him.
“Also you’d have to be able to wear high heels and walk on a red carpet.” Joel winked at her. “Remember that time you wore heels to my cousin’s wedding? You turned your ankle. We spent the whole afternoon in hospital getting X-rays.”
“It was a painful experience. I haven’t worn heels since.”
“I don’t care, though.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her closer. “Some men love a woman in heels, but I think you look sexy in hiking boots, Wend.”
“Hiking boots rule.” She felt the warm pressure of his fingers on hers, and she held on tightly.
“You really do look like her.” The woman gave her a bemused smile. “Your husband is right. You could make good money as a look-alike.”
“We’ll keep that in mind. It was nice bumping into you.” Joel kept hold of Nicole’s hand and used the other to gesture down the path. “Keep going straight down. It will take you about an hour to reach the road. Enjoy.” With that he gave her hand a tug, and they carried on trudging up the path.
Nicole kept walking, waiting for him to let go of her hand, but he didn’t.
She was afraid to turn around in case she drew attention to herself.
“Have they gone? Are they still walking, or are they taking photos? Or maybe they’re calling the tabloids.”
Joel glanced over his shoulder. “They’re still walking. Not looking back. I think you’re okay, Wend. You need to work on those acting skills, though. You were terrible back there.”
She laughed. “You, however, were brilliant. I had no idea you had so much talent. It was genius. Thank you.”
“Anytime, Wendy.”
“Do you think we fooled them?”
“Maybe, or maybe they were just too polite to argue with me. But it got rid of them.” He shook his head and continued up the path. “I assume from your resigned expression this happens a lot.”
“Yes. But it doesn’t usually make me laugh like that.”
“We should be grateful.”
“For what?”
“That they didn’t arrive five minutes earlier and see you with chocolate smeared around your mouth. Now, shift yourself, Wend, or we won’t make it to the top before dark.”
It took another couple of hours to make it to the top, but it turned out to be worth every breathless stride.
She had a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree view across mountaintops and valleys, lakes and streams.
“My niece always says that coming up here is like a geography lesson. Hanging valley, glacial spur,” he said and gestured and then handed her more chocolate from the backpack. “Here— you’ve earned it.”
“This is fantastic.” She settled herself on a large rock and gazed at the view. It seemed to stretch forever. “Thank you. It has been the best day ever.”
“You’re welcome.” He ate another piece of chocolate himself. “I’ve done most of the talking. Tell me a little about you. I don’t mean the movie stuff, I mean other things. Do you have family? I never see your family mentioned.”
She kept her eyes on the view. “I prefer to keep that part of my life away from the public eye.”
“Understandable. Are your parents alive?”
“My dad died when I was two, so I have no memory of him at all. My mother . . . We’re not in touch. She doesn’t like me. And now you’re going to say all the usual things about how you’re sure that isn’t true et cetera, so let me save you the bother. She really doesn’t like me. It’s not a feeling, it’s a fact.”
There was a long silence. “So no family, then.”
“Milly is my family. She has always been my family.”
He nodded. “You’re lucky, both of you, having a friendship like that.”
She almost told him then. She almost told him how she’d messed it up, and how she woke up in the night sweating in case Milly somehow found out about the stuff she hadn’t told her, and how she was terrified that if she found out it would be the end of their friendship and Nicole would lose the only relationship that had ever really mattered to her.
But she didn’t tell him, partly because there were some things you kept to yourself, and this was definitely one of those, and partly because today had been the most perfect day she’d had in as long as she could remember, and she didn’t want to taint it by worrying what might be coming down the line.
With luck it wouldn’t happen, and everything would be fine.
“I meant it when I said this has been the best day ever.” She turned to look at him. “If I had just one wish—” She broke off, embarrassed when she saw his quizzical look. “Ignore me. It’s a game Milly and I used to play when we were kids.”
“And if you had one wish?”
She stared across the landscape. “That I could do this every day. That this was my life.” The moment she said it she felt foolish. There was no way he’d understand. He’d think she was crazy.
He took so long to respond she thought that maybe he wasn’t going to, that he really didn’t have a clue what to say to her, but then he gave a shrug and passed her the last of the chocolate.
“It could be real life, Wend. All you have to do is stop messing around with that pathetic career of yours and get yourself a proper job as a look-alike. You’d be sorted.”
He scrunched up the wrapper and stowed it safely back in the backpack, and she laughed and ate the chocolate and realized that even when you took into account the high points of the last few years—the awards, the accolades, even the beginning of her relationship with Justin when she’d thought she was in love—this was still the best day she’d had in a long time.
She couldn’t wait to get home and tell Milly all about it.
She smiled on the journey back and was still smiling when he dropped her back at the boathouse.
“Thank you for a perfect day.” On impulse she leaned across to kiss his cheek.
“You’re welcome, Wendy. Anytime you want to climb into the back of my van, just call me.”
She was going to do that. And that in itself felt like progress. A new step in her life.
She all but danced her way up the path and opened the door. “Hey, Milly, where are you? You will never believe what happened. I never thought I could laugh about it, but—” She broke off as a man emerged from the kitchen.
Richard.
Her stomach dropped.
Oh no. No, no, no !
All the happiness, the joy, the optimism she’d felt only moments earlier drained out of her.
Shock flickered across his face as he recognized her. “You! You’re here.”
Milly emerged from behind him. “Yes, and you need to make sure you don’t say anything to anyone, Richard. Thanks for dropping Zoe home. Have a good journey back.”
Richard didn’t budge.
“This certainly answers some of the questions I’ve been asking myself.”
Milly sighed. “What questions?”
Nicole was shaking.
She wanted him to leave. She wanted him to stop talking. “You’ve changed over the past few weeks, Milly, and I was wondering what had happened. What was different. And now I know.” He didn’t shift his attention from Nicole. “You’re the reason she’s started being difficult and confrontational.”
Milly’s eyebrows rose. “Richard—”
“And I don’t need to ask what you’re doing here. You’re hiding out, keeping a low profile because you’ve been playing your games again. Ruining other people’s relationships instead of trying to find one of your own. How many marriages are you going to destroy before you find yourself a new hobby?”
“Richard!” Milly was aghast. “What is wrong with you?”
“Wrong with me ?” Finally, he turned his head to look at her. He stared at Milly for a long moment and then gave a short laugh. “You don’t know, do you? She hasn’t told you.”
Nicole’s heart was pounding so hard she thought her chest might explode.
They’d been friends once, she and Richard. He’d sneaked her into the hospital when Milly had just given birth to Zoe. He’d once challenged a photographer who had stuck a camera in her face during a private dinner. And yet somehow they’d reached this point.
She wanted to turn back the clock. She wanted to have another chance. She wanted to make different decisions, different choices, anything that might have prevented her from finding herself where she was now.
Milly was staring at him in exasperation. “Told me what? You’re making no sense, and I think you should leave now. I won’t have you being rude to my friends, especially as you arrived here uninvited.”
“You wouldn’t be protecting her if you knew the truth.”
Milly stepped past him and opened the door. “Good-bye, Richard.”
“She’s the reason we’re no longer together. If it weren’t for her, there’s a good chance we’d still be married.” Ignoring the open door, Richard turned back to Nicole and took a step toward her. “Time to tell her the truth.”
“That’s enough!” Milly grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “The reason we’re not together is because you had an affair and left me. Remember that tiny detail?”
“I had an affair, that’s true, and I’m not proud of it. I take full responsibility for that, but I never intended to leave you.” Two red blotches appeared on his cheekbones. “It was—I don’t know what it was. A moment of wild stupidity. It probably would have blown over, and you never would have known about it if it hadn’t been for her.”
Milly let go of his arm. “What are you talking about? I have no idea what’s going on.”
Nicole curled her fingers into her palms. Unfortunately she knew exactly what was going on. This was the moment she’d dreaded. Why, oh why hadn’t she just said something before now?
She should have told the truth and explained everything to Milly, but she’d been afraid.
She’d been a coward.
And now she was paying the price because Richard showed no signs of holding back.
“Remember that time we were staying with her in LA? She overheard me talking to Avery, and she gave me an ultimatum. Leave Avery, or leave you. She forced me to choose.”
It shouldn’t have been so difficult to hear it because she’d replayed that conversation in her head so many times.
She knew it was bad, but somehow it sounded even worse when he said it.
The guilt was so intense she almost doubled over.
Richard was watching her. “And she threatened to tell you if I didn’t. And I knew she wasn’t bluffing, because you and she have always had an unnaturally close relationship.”
Milly’s breathing was shallow. “It’s called friendship , Richard. There’s nothing unnatural about it.”
“The two of you were closer than sisters. From the first moment you introduced us I could tell she didn’t want me around.”
Nicole felt the ground shift.
“That isn’t true.” She somehow managed to find her voice. “That is not true.”
“Isn’t it? Why don’t you just admit it, Nicole? Milly is the only person in your life who has stuck by you. None of your relationships last. Your own mother didn’t want anything to do with you. Milly was all you had, and you didn’t want to share her with anyone. You were jealous of me. Of my relationship with her. Of what we had together. You have always been jealous because you thought I came between the two of you. You wanted me to leave her so that you could have her all to yourself.”
His words made her shrink.
“That’s not what happened.” Outrage drove her to defend herself. “You were betraying her trust. I wanted you to be honest with her, that’s all. To make a choice. Is that so wrong? I didn’t want you lying to Milly. I wanted the best for her.”
His words rang in her head. Your own mother didn’t want anything to do with you.
She wanted to cover her ears with her hands to block it out. It was as if he’d jabbed a knife deep into the most vulnerable parts of her and then twisted it.
“But it wasn’t your decision, was it?” Richard’s tone was flat. “It wasn’t your place to intervene in our relationship. But you did it anyway, and this is where we are now.” He turned to Milly. “You’ve known her forever, and you think she’s your best friend, but would a true friend really do that? She destroyed our marriage, Milly. You might want to think about that when you’re protecting her from the fallout of having done exactly the same thing to someone else.”
Without giving them a chance to respond he left the boathouse, slamming the door behind him.
Silence descended. Nicole couldn’t breathe. Her vision was blurred by tears.
She needed to say something, do something, but what?
Where should she start? How could she possibly make this right?
She couldn’t find the words. Maybe there weren’t any words that would fix this because some of what he’d said was true.