17. Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
W inston poured himself another drink from the crystal decanter on the sideboard but already knew it wouldn’t erase the image of Millicent shaking her head to Lady Singleton’s inquiry.
Two days had passed, and he had yet to remove her response from his mind. The moment had given him his freedom, something he should be grateful for.
Instead, he felt empty.
Nothing seemed to fill the void within him. The memory of Millicent in his arms and the way she’d made him feel left him hollow. It had taken all his fortitude to keep from claiming her in that sitting room. Even now, he ached at the mere thought of her. But more than just his body hurt. It seemed his heart and soul were now hers.
He rubbed a hand over his chest, beginning to wonder if his heart was failing him given how much it pained him. What was wrong with him that he couldn’t put her from his mind? He’d had no choice but to leave the musicale before matters grew worse. Yet that decision left him feeling as if he’d failed.
There could be no doubt he’d disappointed Millicent. Then again, he’d disappointed himself as well. It was no surprise that she hadn’t sent word to meet again.
In truth, she deserved better than him. His walking away had surely confirmed that to her. She should marry someone who would treasure her and buy her books and discuss them with her. Someone who could make her smile and bring her joy. Not strap herself to a man who was contrary, stubborn, and thought only of himself.
He wandered the length of his study and back again, too distraught to have the energy to pace. A glance around revealed no traces of his father. The paintings on the walls, the globe on a stand, and the ornate inkwell on the desk were items he’d personally chosen. Unfortunately, he’d had less success freeing himself from his father’s traits.
Daylight had faded to dusk. He paused at the window behind his desk and took another sip only to set aside the glass with a grimace, wondering how he was going to fill another empty evening.
A knock sounded at the door, but he couldn’t bring himself to care who it might be. Not even when voices echoed in the hallway.
“The Duke of Trentworth is calling, my lord,” his butler announced.
“I’m not at home,” Winston replied, not bothering to turn around.
“Then my eyes must be deceiving me.” Trentworth’s words had Winston scowling as he turned to greet his brother-in-law.
“Have you forgotten how these things are done, Your Grace?” Winston demanded. “I am supposed to have the option of refusing you.”
“You haven’t surfaced for several days, so I came in search of you. I wanted to share how much Eliza liked the mare we selected.”
“Oh?” He nodded. “Good to hear.”
Trentworth frowned. “What has happened?”
“Nothing.” Winston retrieved his drink but didn’t offer one to his friend since he didn’t want him to stay. “I am enjoying a night at home.”
“We have been friends for over a decade. I think I know when something is wrong.”
“All is well.” He waved a hand in dismissal. Hadn’t he recently escaped the noose of marriage by the skin of his teeth? In truth, he should be celebrating.
“Does it have to do with your holdings?” Trentworth sank into a chair before Winston’s desk, clearly not going anywhere.
“No.” Though the last meeting with his steward suggested trouble was on the horizon. Winston still thought his idea about changing crops had been a good one, but what did he know? Clearly nothing.
“A certain member of the literary league who recently caught your eye?” A hint of a smile tilted Trentworth’s mouth.
Millicent had more than caught his eye. Even thinking her name was enough to make his heart ache. She was better off without him. However, he wasn’t prepared to share any of that with his friend. “No.”
“Are you lonely?” Trentworth’s eyes narrowed. “I know I haven’t been around much of late. I could join you at the club one evening if you’d like.”
“No need. Wouldn’t want Eliza harping at me for pulling you away.” He knew he was once again being contrary but couldn’t help himself.
“Linford.” Trentworth leaned forward and held his gaze. “You have many blessings in your life. Focus on those. And if you aren’t happy about something, change it.”
“Humph.”
“You have the power to do anything you choose. You need only reach for what you want. Make a decision for once.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Action can be challenging, but it is far better than stewing in misery.”
“Forgive me if I have my doubts.” Especially when Winston knew he’d more than likely choose wrong. His steward would confirm that.
Trentworth pushed to his feet with a shake of his head. “I will leave you to your foul mood. Send word when you’re ready to talk.”
With that, he strode from the room, leaving Winston to his thoughts. Those, along with his doubts, were the only companions he was fit to be around.
“Millie, how lovely of you to call.” Phoebe hugged her, then gestured to a chair in the drawing room.
“My pleasure.” Millie sat and glanced around, hoping the baby was sleeping. She didn’t think she could bear to see him, given her current inner turmoil. Not when holding him during her last visit had sent her into such a spiral of longing for a different life—one that had only led to heartache.
“Thomas is napping in the nursery,” Phoebe said as if reading her mind. “I can ring for the nanny to see if he’s awake if you’d like.”
“No need. I know how precious sleep is when it comes to babies,” Millie reassured her. “I only came by to return the book I borrowed.” She pulled it from her reticule. “I enjoyed it for the third time. I should purchase my own copy.”
“I’m happy to share mine when you have the urge to read it again.” Phoebe fanned the pages. “ Sense and Sensibility is one of my favorites.”
“And mine.” The book confirmed that Millie was better off acting like sensible Elinor than carefree Marianne. “I like it almost as much as Pride and Prejudice .”
“Agreed.” Phoebe looked up from the book to study Millie. “Is something amiss? Forgive me for asking, but you don’t seem yourself.”
That Phoebe could tell, when Millie had only just arrived, was both maddening and touching. She loved her friend for that even if she didn’t want to talk about her failed attempt to seduce Winston.
“It’s nothing, really.”
Phoebe set aside the book and rested her hands in her lap, sending Millie a worried look. “I have a confession.”
“Oh? What might that be?” Millie didn’t think she would like it.
“Tibby came by yesterday, and we discussed your secret tendre . Only because we both adore you, and Tibby is convinced you and Linford should be together,” she quickly added.
That had Millie looking away as a wave of longing came over her and a lump formed in her throat. “I’m afraid that’s not possible.”
“But—”
Millie shook her head to halt Phoebe as she knew what she would say. “I am pleased to report that I made several bold moves, but they were unsuccessful. Unlike yours and the other members of the league, it just wasn’t meant to be.”
She couldn’t forget the sight of the empty doorway at the musicale where Winston had stood. He’d told her that he wasn’t interested in marriage, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. But still...
Though she’d only wanted to stay abed and nurse her heart, her mother had other plans. Thus far, there had been another garden party, followed by a ball where she had chaperoned her younger cousin.
Luckily, she hadn’t seen Winston or Dunthorpe, something for which she was grateful. She needed time to adjust to the loss of her dream of marrying Winston and to accept the likelihood that she would wed Dunthorpe instead.
She feared it was going to take months to adjust to the idea and even then, she didn’t think her heart would heal.
“Oh, Millie. I’m so sorry to hear that.” Phoebe scowled. “Men can be far too stubborn at times.”
Millie nodded but didn’t place the blame on Winston. The fault was in her. She just wasn’t...enough. Not for him. “I am pleased I tried the For Better or Worse agenda. Otherwise, I would have always wondered.”
“Yes. And you never know, someone better might come along.”
Better than Winston? Impossible. She loved him, faults and all, and had been able to picture their future together so clearly. She couldn’t imagine feeling like this about anyone else.
Millie managed to smile but couldn’t agree with the idea. Better that she changed the subject. “Have you chosen the book for next month’s meeting? I’ve already read the one for next week’s discussion and am in need of something else to distract me. Perhaps not a romantic tale though.”
Phoebe’s sympathetic smile brought tears to Millie’s eyes, but she quickly blinked them away. Phoebe had enough on her mind with a new baby to care for and certainly didn’t need Millie pouring out her heart.
Holding hope that she might have a different future than her sisters had been ridiculous. A love match wasn’t for someone like her. If an arranged marriage had been good enough for her sisters, then one would have to suffice for Millie as well.
Happiness was a choice, as her eldest sister had recently written to her. She had gone on to suggest that even if Millie didn’t find great joy with her husband, she would find it when she had children.
The advice had yet to bring Millie any comfort.
“I am torn between three.” Phoebe rose to retrieve a sheet of paper from her desk. “Are you familiar with any of these?” she asked, handing the list of options to Millie.
They discussed the books at length, and Millie was grateful to have something to take her mind off Winston, however briefly.
The matter decided, Millie rose. “I must be going as I have other errands to see to.” She didn’t but feared staying longer would tempt her to share more with Phoebe when it wouldn’t serve any purpose.
Phoebe stood and placed a hand on Millie’s shoulder. “Keep your mind and heart open, Millie. You never know what might happen.”
Millie hugged her but knew her future was clear. “I will see you next week at our meeting.”
That was one event she looked forward to. She need only manage one day at a time and continue to pretend that her heart wasn’t hopelessly broken.