Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
H er stomach fell at his shocking declaration. Too stunned to say anything, Elizabeth stared at him as she coloured. Doubt filled her and attempting to comprehend his meaning, she finally whispered, “Why?”
His voice remained as strong and as cutting as his words. “My family will not approve. I cannot go against their wishes.”
“Why would they not approve?”
“They would think your family is beneath mine. Unworthy to be connected to us.”
Feeling his words almost as a physical blow, Elizabeth put her hand against a tree for support as the realisation of what was happening overtook her. “You are a gentleman and I am a gentleman’s daughter.”
Mr Darcy sighed in what sounded like frustration before glancing heavenward for a moment and muttering, “It would not be the same to them.”
“Do you agree?” she demanded .
He clenched his jaw and stared off into distance, making no reply.
She blinked away the tears which rose suddenly. “Might I ask why this matters today when it did not matter any of the other days we trod these paths? You knew of my want of connexion before, and it did not give you pause on making advances towards me. I created no false pretences.”
“I struggled with it and decided I was willing to overlook the inferiority of your circumstances until—” He broke off his explanation and looked at the ground.
Elizabeth moved towards him, determined to have an answer. Her shock remained but now her anger was fuelled. “Until what?”
“Surely you must understand,” he said, finally looking at her fully.
She hoped her expression showed him every bit of the betrayal she felt. “I am afraid I do not.”
Mr Darcy resumed pacing, his face showing his mind’s consternation. At length, he burst out, “It is your family’s vulgar behaviour. Your sister is disrespectful to her elders and her betters, speaks out of turn, and flirts with every male she sees. Your mother does nothing to correct her and instead speaks and displays herself inelegantly. They lack manners or social graces. Such conduct would disgrace the Darcy name and be a poor influence on Georgiana.”
As was her custom, sorrow was overtaken by anger. “Social graces? Do you consider yourself the epitome of social grace, scowling at everyone the moment you enter the room? What of your family? They are ridiculous too. Your aunt is the rudest and most condescending woman I have yet to meet, and her daughter cowers in fear. What kind of influence are they on your sister?” Elizabeth felt herself shaking in anger. “Based on how you and Lady Catherine behave, I can only guess at the behaviour of your father and sister.”
“That is enough,” he said sharply.
Her voice heightened as she replied, “Oh? It is enough now when we speak of your family’s flaws?”
“It is different, and you know that.”
“No, I do not! Or are your family’s faults and comportment excused by birthright and wealth?”
He covered one hand to his eyes and was silent for a brief time. Finally, he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “It is more than station and fortune, Elizabeth. Your mother and sister—their words and manners lacked any restraint. Your family’s reputation will be harmed if they continue to act with such abandon. Truly, do you not see them for what they are?”
“Of course, I do,” she said softly. “They frustrate me to no end, but I have long ago learnt to accept that people are not pawns to be controlled and manipulated. There is not anything I would not do for them.”
Mr Darcy’s reply, when it came a moment later, was less harsh but equally firm. “It is admirable that you feel so and yet, part of my deliberations as well. You would not wish to abstain from visiting Longbourn. You would want your family at Pemberley.”
“Of course I would.”
“Forgive me, I do not wish to insult you, but I cannot be tied to them. Such a connexion could only hurt and bring dishonour to my loved ones, and even my ancestors. I owe them everything I have, Elizabeth. I am bound in my duty to them.”
Her eyes narrowed. How dare he look at her with a pitiful expression, demanding her understanding for his insult! “ This is utterly ridiculous. I understood we were of different dispositions, but I never imagined you would be so fastidious that you could not bear to tolerate a little absurdity. Surely you must know that to join with another in marriage requires tolerating the quirks of those they call family?”
He remained silent. She thought she detected the slightest softening in his resolve, and stepped closer to him. Furious though she was with the gentleman, Elizabeth would not give up when she saw something still worth fighting for. Conquering her anger, she pleaded softly, “Please do not do this.”
“I must. Forgive me,” was all he could say, though he seemed less determined than he had previously.
She ventured a step even closer and took hold of his hands, saying earnestly, “Do you love me?”
He turned his head and looked away, but he did not take his hands out of hers. “Yes,” he admitted. He turned his head back towards her. For the first time that day, she could see the eyes of the man she had kissed by the river. Their gazes locked in mutual recognition that it was the first time they had spoken aloud the depth of their feelings.
“Then that should conquer everything,” she implored.
His admission and her pleading seemed to weaken his resolve. In a soft voice, he asked, “Would you…would you give them up for me?”
Her hope gone, Elizabeth’s thoughts turned from sadness to fury again. She dropped his hands. “Absolutely not! Have you heard anything I have said? I do not love with conditions . I do not love my family only on days when they behave themselves ,and I would not abandon them because they do not act appropriately to your standards.”
He stared at her with a disappointed expression. “ Everyone must live and behave by certain standards, Elizabeth. In my position, I must uphold many, and cannot shirk my duties and responsibilities simply because I fell in love.”
She looked at him incredulously and shook her head. “For all this talk of responsibility, all I see is a man who thinks meanly of those outside his family and social circle. I see a man who is a gentleman by reputation and inheritance only, not in his heart.”
Mr Darcy listened without interrupting her, though he appeared to catch her words with resentment and surprise.
“You believe you are honourable because you fulfil what you think are your duties,” she went on, “but you have disregarded the weightier matters of morality, kindness, and compassion.”
His expression darkened. “I never asked for any of this. I never asked to fall in love.”
“Love? How can you speak of love in such a way?” she asked in disbelief.
“You have no idea what it is like!” he nearly shouted, causing her to jump slightly at his sudden display of emotion. “I am to be master of Pemberley, with countless people who depend upon me for their livelihoods and their families’ welfare. It is a life of duty and responsibility. I was never meant to marry for love!”
She backed away farther from him. He rubbed his hands through his hair and over his mouth as he attempted to regain composure. A terrible thought came to her and she asked, “Was I just a dalliance? A distraction while in Kent?”
His eyes widened and his reply was as quick as it was strong. “No, never.”
She let out a relieved breath. “I hardly know what to think or believe.” After a moment’s pause, she added, “Are you really so capricious and unfeeling to treat someone you say you love in this manner?”
Once again he rubbed at his hair, then his hands fell into fists at his side. “I fell in love with you against my better judgment. The strength of my attachment had become impossible to overcome so I let myself believe that we could conquer all the obstacles. Only last evening, I realised I was wrong.” His voice shook as he added, “I can only apologise for allowing you to believe that there was a possibility that we could get married.”
Her heart sank within her chest, as she looked down at her hands, wringing them together. “I do not know why I am surprised,” she said softly, more towards herself than to him. “I have seen you treat others as beneath you, neglecting to give them common decency and kindness.” A tear escaped her as she added with a thick voice, “I foolishly allowed myself to be blinded to it.”
He could only look towards the ground at such a statement.
Looking at him again, she choked back tears as she spoke. “If you do this, you cannot undo it. You will have to live with this for the rest of your life.”
“I am sorry,” he said coolly, as if he was building his walls again. His eyes looked away vacantly, but his jaw was clenched.
Elizabeth began to sob. “I cannot forsake my family.”
Rather than answering her or acknowledging her pain, he said, “I wish you good health and happiness all of your days.”
Then he turned and walked away from her.