Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
T o her great relief, once Elizabeth came downstairs for tea, it was evident no one had noticed her and Mr. Darcy’s absence earlier in the day. Consequently, the rest of the afternoon passed as usual.
In the drawing room after dinner, the party debated how to occupy their time. Everyone was growing increasingly restless the longer they were forced to remain indoors and in company with those who had grown tiresome. They had played charades and were readying themselves to listen to Miss Bingley play the pianoforte…again.
It had been challenging, but Elizabeth had avoided looking at Mr Darcy throughout dinner. She did, however, frequently feel that she was being stared at during the meal, and felt it even now as she sat alone in a chair watching Miss Bingley prepare to play. She kept her eyes fixed upon the lady, willing herself not to look in the direction of the man with whom she had spent a romantic afternoon .
Just as Miss Bingley announced her musical selections, Lydia and Kitty, who had disappeared when the ladies withdrew after dinner, emerged into the room with their customary clamour. Lydia paid no attention to Miss Bingley’s glare in their direction for interrupting her. “Let us not spend another dull evening listening to music,” she cried. “Come, play a marvellous new game that Kitty and I created!”
“How delightful!” Mr Bingley exclaimed in wonderment, ignoring his sister’s look of protestation.
Lydia preened. “In honour of our dear sister’s coming marriage, where she and Mr Bingley will exchange wedding rings, we have created a game called ‘Rings’. Kitty and I have made twenty of these rings.” She held out her hand and displayed a few small circles made of twine.
Excitedly, Kitty added, “We have hidden them throughout the house. They are attached to small pieces of paper on which we wrote clues for how to find the next! You will search in pairs, and whichever pair finds the most in one hour shall be named the winner!”
It was evident from the stirring and chuckling heard among the group that everyone welcomed the new diversion.
“Shall we form teams?” Mr Bingley enquired.
“Kitty and I have already created the teams,” Lydia informed him. “Kitty, you tell them.”
“Our first pair is Jane and Mr Bingley,” Kitty announced. Jane smiled in her betrothed’s direction as he briskly walked to stand next to her, whispering something in her ear that made her giggle.
Kitty continued to announce the pairs. Elizabeth listened with a sinking heart as two names were not announced: hers and Mr Darcy’s .
“Last but not least, Lizzy you will pair with Mr Darcy,” Kitty concluded.
Elizabeth’s heart skipped a beat, she then sent her younger sisters a stern look; Kitty and Lydia exchanged mischievous smiles. Unable to scold them as she might have liked, she instead glanced quickly at Mr Darcy for the first time that evening.
He smiled warmly at her as he approached. How did he even make walking appear attractive? When he was at her side, he murmured in her ear, “I could not have asked for a better way to get you alone tonight. Remind me to thank your sisters later.”
She looked down and ignored what he said, determined to not let him affect her in that way. It was going to be harder than she thought.
Kitty and Lydia went about the room giving everyone their first rings along with their individual clues. Mr Darcy read their clue aloud.
“The answer of this is a room, but I guarantee it will not be caught; it is one with an open flame, sink, and even a pot.”
“Kitchen,” they both said in unison. He helped her rise and she preceded him as they left the drawing room and headed towards the kitchen. As soon as they gained the shadows of the candlelit hall, she saw him reaching for her hand. Before his hand could touch hers, she quickly drew hers away. His body appeared to stiffen slightly, and he shook his hand briefly. Then, he clasped his hands behind his back as they continued to walk.
Once they entered the kitchen, Elizabeth began looking intently for the ring, leaving him to stand at the door. She moved pots and pans, her eyes scanning each one, and noticed Mr Darcy approaching her. As she began manoeuvring a heavy pot, his hand appeared seemingly out of nowhere to help her lift it.
“Allow me to assist you,” he offered.
“No,” she answered curtly as she met his eye. He started, but he kept her gaze. She turned away as she placed the pot back down, and softened her expression as she said, “I thank you, but I do not need your help.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his head tilt as he continued to study her, though he said nothing further. Their search was interrupted by the sound of a shocked gasp. In the doorway stood a scullery maid, wearing a polite expression, though her eyes betrayed curiosity at them rummaging about the kitchen.
She curtseyed before asking respectfully, “Is there anything you require, sir? Ma’am?”
Mr Darcy turned as he replied, “Thank you, but I believe we have everything we need. You may return to your duties.”
The maid curtseyed again and left, leaving them to their search.
Mr Darcy placed a gentle hand on the small of Elizabeth’s back to guide her to a different section of the room, as he said, “Perhaps it is hidden among the spices.”
She quickly stepped out of his embrace, clearing her throat as she looked down at the floor. He was quiet for a moment before finally asking, “Is something wrong?”
Elizabeth lifted her chin. “This morning was a mistake.”
“Indeed?”
She continued in a voice devoid of emotion, a tone carefully contrived to keep the pain in her heart at bay. “Yes. Amidst an exceedingly trying experience, I was confused by the solicitude of someone who used to hold my heart. I allowed my emotions to get the better of me. Please forgive me for my impropriety.”
She felt his eyes on her as she walked about, ostensibly seeking the next ring. The silence was painful.
“Why are you doing this?” he said finally.
“I still plan to marry Mr Royce.”
The colour left his face. “Surely, you are in jest.”
“I am not,” she replied tersely. “Have I not already told you I intended to do so?”
After a moment, he ran his hands through his hair and shook his head. “Do not marry him, Elizabeth.”
“Whyever not?”
“He is a nitwit,” he responded quickly. Her frown seemed to prompt his regret at speaking ill of the man. “Forgive me, I ought not to have said that. What I should have said was, do not marry him because you do not love him.”
Elizabeth remained silent, unable to deny the truth in that.
“He does not understand you. He is not clever enough for you and most importantly, he would not make you happy.” In a quieter voice, he added, “Certainly not as I would.”
“You think you would make me happy?” she asked. “Why?”
“Because I love you.”
The effect of his words was considerable. Elizabeth felt them through every fibre of her being. Although she had suspected as much, hearing him say it aloud was unsettling. She folded her arms over her chest, abandoning the pretence of searching for the ring. “I give no credit to that statement. You are infatuated with me, perhaps, but you surely do not love me.”
He looked at her incredulously. “You do not know how I have ached for you, loved you, longed for you, these past three years.”
“And what if I do not believe you? I cannot help but think you are only feeling all the dullness of country society—as it was three years ago in Kent—and your mind is playing tricks on you.” Calming herself, for she had felt the need to defend her heart all too acutely, Elizabeth added, “You are caught up in sentiment. I am sure the feelings that earlier curtailed your regard for me will quickly take over and you will forget me not long after you leave. Just as it happened before.”
“I could never forget you, Elizabeth,” he said softly, walking across the kitchen to close the gap between them. “Pray do not try to tell me how I feel. I have loved you for three years complete.”
She did all she could to avoid looking at him, but he leant in closer until she could no longer evade his gaze.
“I never stopped loving you,” he said in an earnest, vulnerable voice.
She was quiet, unable to think of anything to say as she looked into his dark, beseeching eyes.
“I know you love me too.”
She could not dispute him but neither could she give him what he wished for. “Love is not always enough.”
“I cannot understand you. What more could anyone wish for than to love and be loved in return?”
She was silent.
“Presently you stand in front of someone who loves you, Elizabeth, and for whom you hold those same feelings. Yet, you will marry another man, one whom you do not love? What more is it that you wish for?”
“Trust,” she replied finally. “I want a man whose love is certain, not tossed aside or bent by the wind. Mr Royce has had a lasting affection for me for over four years. Yours on the other hand…”
His face looked pained as he looked to the ground. “I cannot deny my past errors,” he said in a wounded voice. “Amid the turmoil of losing my father and assuming all of my new responsibilities, I made a grave mistake. Can you not forgive me for that?”
“Whether I forgive you or not, the problem remains.” Tears formed in her eyes and she blinked rapidly to keep them back. “My family is as they are. They will offend you again. Will you cast me aside the first time they embarrass you in front of your friends and family? They will do that eventually—you know it is inevitable. Would you know them among London society? Or would you rather whisk me away to Pemberley and ensure we would never see them again? That would not make me happy.”
“I would not do that, Elizabeth. I have been practically a father these last three years. One cannot experience such responsibility and remain unaltered. Taking care of Georgiana and seeing her through difficult times has made me much more compassionate and understanding of the joys and trials of family.”
He ventured closer to her and held her face in his hands; she looked at him through tears as he spoke. “I love you. I loved you three years ago, I love you today, and I never stopped loving you between. Do not call it infatuation. I would marry you right here and right now if you would have me. Do you not love me?”
“You abandoned me,” she said. “And yes, I might forgive but I can never trust you. I have no wish to risk my heart, to take the chance that I will again feel the pain I felt back then. I waited for you every day for a year . Any time I heard a new young man was in town, or an unexpected knock came on our front door, I hoped that it was you. It nearly destroyed me. It took me so long to regain my spirits back. I cannot risk such agony a second time.”
She could see the anguish in his countenance before he turned his back to her and walked across the room. He lifted his fist as if to hit the wall in frustration, but quickly regaining his composure, dropped his hand to his side. After a few steadying breaths, he turned back towards her.
“Would that I could undo it, but I cannot.” He walked back towards her slowly, tentatively taking her into his arms. “I am so sorry I injured you as I did. I have hated myself since that day for the way I treated you. You cannot know how many times I desired to come find you here. I refrained because I thought…I thought you must surely despise me. That thought gave me unimaginable pain throughout many long, dark nights.”
Leaning back a little and looking into her eyes, he said, pleadingly, “If you gave me another chance, I would not hurt you again.”
“I do not think I can,” she whispered.
He closed his eyes in agony. “All I desire is for you to be happy. Tell me how I can do that,” he said softly. After a long moment of silence, he seemed to admit defeat. “If that means you wish me to stop pursuing you, then say so. I respect your words too much to do otherwise.”
She closed her eyes a moment to gather her strength. “I do. I want you to stop pursuing me.” She felt his muscles tense at her words, but he did not let her go.
Finally, he kissed the top of her head and said calmly, “I have regretted what I did to you every day for the last three years. But I wonder, will you regret today for the rest of your life?”
She stared into his eyes, with no answer to give.
Mr Darcy stepped back and took in the sight of her one last time before saying, “I shall leave you alone, Elizabeth.”
Then he turned and left the room.