Chapter 38
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
E lizabeth stood up and smoothed her gown. She went to the mirror to ensure that her hair was tidy and her eyes neither red-rimmed nor swollen. A little pale but you will do , she told herself. Taking a deep breath, she prepared herself to go downstairs but found herself frozen to the floor. She needed first to read the letter. She quickly went back to her bed, pulled it out from behind her pillow, and began to read.
Miss Elizabeth,
You have asked me to leave you alone. I respect you and your wishes too much to ignore them, so I will cease my attentions. I would never wish to wear you down to accept me, but would only desire you to come to me willingly and happily.
By now you will have heard that I have offered the living to Mr Andrews in hopes that Miss Lydia could obtain the future she desired. I assure you, this was not done to entice you to accept me. I wish merely to see to the welfare of your loved ones, and to reward those who have shaped and been close to the only woman I will ever love.
While I shall not beg you to return to me, please know that my wishes and affections will always remain unchanged. I will wait forever for another chance with you. If you marry another, I will maintain a small glimmer of hope that if circumstances ever change, you will find me as an old man with my love enduring and unwavering. Even if you cannot give me your heart, you will always have mine for the keeping.
I was not strong enough to stand up for our love as a young man, and I am prepared to pay the price for that for the rest of my life. While I will always regret hurting you, I am not sorry for what has passed since then. I would have been a terrible person and husband to you if not for your set-downs. I owe everything good in my character to you.
I begin each day with a prayer of gratitude for having known you. Even if a second chance with you does not come to pass, I will feel gratified and fulfilled for having loved another with my whole heart and for having at one point been loved by the person I respect above all others.
I have taken rooms at Meryton’s inn and shall depart for town on Tuesday morning. If you wish to see me, I will be there, awaiting you. If not, please know that I am forever yours,
Fitzwilliam Darc y
She put her hand to her mouth and gasped. She read the letter again, more slowly this time.
He had given the position to Mr Andrews simply to help Lydia, knowing full well he would probably have to interact with her for the rest of his life? And only because of her connexion to me ? Elizabeth could not be insensible to the compliment of being responsible for the change in a man of such great standing.
He would simply wait for her…forever? Even if she were to marry another? She shook her head in disbelief. He would risk never producing an heir for Pemberley in the hope that he might one day have another chance with her? How can this be? How could someone love another so much?
She did not know what she felt but knew that she needed to go to him. He had given her this book on Saturday, and it was now Monday afternoon. He probably thought she had read the letter at least a day ago and did not wish to see him. Was he still at the inn, as he promised, or had he given up and left? Had she missed him already?
She pulled on her boots and mittens, chose her warmest bonnet and scarf, wrapped a shawl around herself, and left her bedchamber, where she almost collided with her aunt and young cousins.
“Amelia, Annabelle, and I have been sent to retrieve you,” Mrs Gardiner said. “Mr Royce is here.”
“He gave me a biscuit,” said Amelia.
“And me!” cried Annabelle.
Elizabeth flashed a smile at the girls before saying, “Aunt, I need your help. I must go. He is likely already gone but still…I have to go see.”
“Who is likely gone?”
Amelia’s question was echoed by her mother, who shooed the girls off to join Lillian in the nursery. Then Mrs Gardiner turned back to Elizabeth, a puzzled frown on her countenance.
“Mr Darcy. He…well, I will tell you later. For now, I must hurry and hope that he has not yet gone. Pray, distract my mother so I can slip out the door?”
“Are you choosing Mr Darcy now?”
In an instant all of Elizabeth’s doubts vanished. “Yes!”
Her aunt moved to embrace her, but Elizabeth neatly sidestepped her. “There will be time enough to hug once I have stopped him from leaving, and he has accepted me.”
“Accepted you? You will propose?” Mrs Gardiner laughed before asking, carefully, “What will we do with poor Mr Royce?”
“I cannot even think of him now. I feel awful for abandoning him so, but I must go to the inn at once.”
Mrs Gardiner gave a quick nod and disappeared down the corridor. Knowing she could depend upon her, Elizabeth followed and waited at the top of the stairs, her heart beating wildly. After a minute, she heard mumbling and footsteps walking to the east side of the house. She knew this was her chance, and stealthily crept down the stairs, flinching with every creak of the wooden steps until she made it to the bottom. She eyed her cloak near the front hall, but dared not risk retrieving it. Instead, she turned abruptly into the kitchen, determined not to be seen by the others in the drawing room. She quietly tiptoed in, passing the scullery maid and Cook, their backs to her, as she walked quickly towards the door.
Darting outside, she felt all of her senses tingle as she began running as fast as possible towards Meryton.
Although Elizabeth had always prided herself on her strength and speed, she found running so quickly in the cold and snow was more difficult than the day’s earlier frolic. Her muscles burned and her side began to cramp; her bonnet loosened and with it, her curls tumbled out.
With every step she took, Elizabeth was more certain of him—and that her aunt was right about love. She would have to take a leap of faith and trust that he would not hurt her again. No one could know the future with certainty, but surely moving her youngest sister up to Derbyshire gave her the confirmation she needed that his feelings could withstand whatever her family might throw at him in the future. It gave her the confidence she needed to feel safe with him.
She knew now that she had allowed her wounded pride to dictate how she felt about him instead of her heart. She had been determined to see that he had not changed since their time in Kent, when in fact he had. She had been fighting a battle within herself, navigating between her hurt from his earlier rejection and what was authentically there between them. Now she understood his own struggles, and the grief and responsibilities he had faced.
How foolish she had been! To risk the happiness of the rest of her life to nurse her dignity and overlook what he too had lost. She prayed, fervently, that somehow, some way, he would not have given up on her and left for town.
A carriage came towards her as she neared Meryton’s outskirts. It was a fine equipage, pulled by a team of gleaming black horses. Even before she saw the crest on its side, she knew it was the Darcy carriage. She wanted to wave her arms at the driver but instead found herself frozen in place, doing no more but staring, silently willing Mr Darcy to look out the side-glass and order the vehicle to stop.
And then, shockingly, the carriage came to an abrupt and swift halt. The door opened before the coachmen could climb down to perform their office, and Mr Darcy stepped down, confusion on his handsome face. Without missing a beat, he tightened his coat and ran over to her, closing the distance between them quickly with his long strides. He stopped a few feet away from her, staring at her, clearly concerned.
Out of breath, and uncertain what to say, Elizabeth struggled to regain her composure. She was sure she looked the part of a madcap: running down the lane without a coat, her cheeks red, and hair undone.
“Elizabeth? What are you doing?” he asked gently.
“I need to speak to you.”
He nodded, looking at her expectantly.
“Are you leaving?”
“Not until tomorrow,” he said earnestly.
She looked down at the snow by his feet, then slowly moved her eyes up to meet his. She saw his love and admiration and smiled at him as tears filled her eyes.
“And what of you?” he enquired. “Are you coming into Meryton to see your aunt?”
“No.” She had been so worried about finding him that she had neglected to prepare what to say when she saw him. “Yes, I am coming to Meryton, not to see my aunt, but because I read your letter, and I-I just wanted to tell you that do not…I do not want you to wait for me.”
The look of pain that flashed across his face made her realise, immediately, her error. “No! Oh no! That is not what I meant.” Trying to think of her next words, she put her hand to her forehead. “What I meant was, I do not want you to wait for me. I want us to start our life now.”
She hardly knew how it happened but in the blink of an eye she found herself in his arms, being tenderly kissed. “Do you mean that?” he demanded breathlessly. “Will you trust me again? No—will you allow me the chance to prove myself worthy of your trust?”
“I trust you,” she managed to gasp out. “I entrust my heart and my soul into your care.”
He pulled back, gazing at her as he tucked her hair behind her ears. His eyes were shiny but there was only joy in his countenance. Then he opened his greatcoat and pulled her close, enveloping her within its warm woollen folds. Leaning down, he kissed her deeply, only pausing to declare his love and his devotion to her for the rest of their days.