Chapter 35
Peter sat at Ana’s bedside, running his fingers over her hands. It had been hours, but he would not leave her. He needed her to know she wasn’t alone when she woke.
But why had she been so desperate that she ran from the house?
Running from trouble was something Peter was familiar with.
When life at Heathridge Hall had become too dangerous, too complicated, he had run and enlisted.
Even now, a small, scared part of him worried that if being a husband or father proved too distressing for him, he would be forced to run again.
He cared so greatly for Ana; he would never abandon her.
But if he started to feel that he was creating more discomfort in her life than he was safety, he would have no option but to leave.
But it was a difficult thing to feel needed as a husband, father, and protector when Ana appeared so distressed by his presence.
So distressed that she would leave the house unattended and try to run away by herself.
Being witness to her pain was an agony Peter wished to forget. But he would not leave her now, or ever. She needed him. They needed each other to heal from the great challenges they had endured together.
“Mami?” Ana whimpered, her voice audibly clogged with emotion and exhaustion.
Peter shook his head to clear his complicated thoughts and leaned in closer, “Soy yo, Peter. I’m here.”
The fogginess slowly seeped from her eyes as she blinked. Finally, recognition cleared her features. Peter’s stomach plunged as her lips drooped in disappointment as she realized that it was her husband and not her mother who had been caring for her.
“Ay, qué dolor,” Ana said, pressing a hand to her lower abdomen as pain flashed across her features. “What happened?”
“Do you not remember?”
“I remember Esperanza was sleeping. And then I go for a walk afuera . . .”
“Yes, quite a walk you had, dear. I found you collapsed near the chapel.”
“Tan lejos?” Surprise was just as apparent in her widened eyes as it was in her heightened voice.
“Indeed, that far. I found you, and you were bleeding and barely conscious. Mr. Smith assisted me in calling for Dr. Lee, and after he determined that you could be moved, we returned. Blessedly, there is nothing to be greatly concerned about. Your bleeding increased due to your long exertion.”
“But if I bleed, that is bad, no?”
“Dr. Lee determined that it is somewhat normal to experience some bleeding in your condition, although such a long walk is not advised for now. It certainly aggravated your bleeding.”
Ana dipped her chin, pressing her eyes shut. “And Esperanza?”
“She has been sleeping soundly, although I suspect she will be quite hungry soon.”
The wrinkle of tension that laced Ana’s forehead smoothed at his words. “I think I wanted to find the chapel to talk with mi Dios. I only remember this. But all is well, no?”
“I’m afraid all is not well.”
Peter recognized the stubborn set of her jaw all too well and forged ahead before she could stop him.
“Dr. Lee inquired after the state of your feelings. He said it is typical for new mothers to experience a wide, confusing range of feelings, particularly in the weeks that follow the birth of a child. While this symptom is normal to an extent, some cases become prolonged or complicated.”
Ana’s hands clenched the sheets. “Estoy bien. I feel bien. I have none of these problemas. How can Dr. Lee say these things when he not know me well?” Her voice cracked, tears flooding her eyes.
“Dr. Lee only wished to ensure that you are able to fully heal from Essie’s birth, both in body and in mind.”
“In mind, I am fine,” she protested, waving a hand at him. “But yes, I see I need to rest for this bleeding, no?”
This was going terribly. Peter heaved a sigh. He ought to have requested that Dr. Leestay to explain the symptoms himself.
“To aid in your recovery, he prescribed a longer-than-typical lying-in period. You are to stay about the house for a month more. I will write Mother to delay our trip to Heathridge Hall. And seeing as you were so desperate to enjoy the fresh air, I do believe we can make some exceptions as far as taking short walks in the gardens, and even attending Sunday services so long as we take a carriage . . .”
“But why I need a longer lying-in when I say that estoy bien! Does Dr. Lee not listen to me? Do you not listen to me?”
Peter barely resisted the urge to drop his head into his hands. Dr. Lee had warned that she may grow defensive, indicating that Ana was experiencing great emotional difficulty. Desperation gnawed at him. But how could he help her?
“Perhaps you would like my mother to come back to help for a time? The diversion of her company could help your recovery feel more enjoyable. And she would help with Essie if permitted. Perhaps then when I . . . when the army is recalled, you will be more comfortable with her help.”
Ana’s eyes darted to the bassinet at her bedside, where a rosy-cheeked Esperanza lay slumbering peacefully. “Yes, está bien. Your mamá can come.”
“Very well, I will write her. But only if you are certain.”
Ana shifted closer to Esperanza. “I am.”
“Very well.” Peter leaned down to kiss her cheek, but she leaned away. He tried to smile and ignore the pain that stabbed through him. He was losing the very fragile connection he had with his wife, without knowing why it was happening at all.
* * *
Mother arrived quite speedily upon receiving his letter. The next morning, she was on their doorstep, bearing Peter’s favorite raspberry tarts, fresh linens and gowns for Ana, and adorably knitted blankets for Esperanza. She interrogated him now, eager to help Ana.
“I cannot understand it, Mother,” Peter shook his head.
“Ana is so entirely changed. She is unceasingly anxious for Essie’s welfare and does not trust another to assist her.
And while she tries to deny her changed state, she also acknowledges that she is not herself.
She has begun to question whether God is punishing her for having a child that is not her husband’s by sending these moods and dreams that torment her so. ”
“Do you suspect she could be suffering from melancholy?” Mother asked.
“Melancholy?”
“A time of deep sadness and listlessness that occurs with some new mothers. I even experienced a short bout of it myself, following the birth of Matthew.”
“But how does it come about?”
Mother took a long sip of her tea, a serious, pensive look knitting her brow together.
“From fatigue, I’m sure, and perhaps the pressures of motherhood. From what you have told me, it appears that her lying-in period was most difficult. Surely all these things combine to create quite a blow to a woman’s peace.”
In truth, it didn’t sound so different from the terrifying emptiness that gripped soldiers after too many weeks in the thick of battle.
And carrying and being delivered of a child was certainly a battle of sorts.
He had seen soldiers who no longer looked at the miniatures tacked into their pockets and no longer wrote home.
They were listless creatures. Such sadness could kill a man.
Peter had not carried or borne Esperanza.
And his knowledge of the health of the feminine physique was somewhat limited.
But being by his wife’s side during those first days taught him that she had been through a war of her own, both in body and in mind.
It was not so outrageous to conclude that such an event could leave Ana so altered.
Is this what she had meant when she said she was lost? And drowning?
“Please, how do I help her? I cannot allow her to take on this burden alone.”
“In many ways, it is her burden to bear,” Mother said. “You cannot see into the inner workings of her mind, cannot heal the great pain in her heart, nor erase the memories of the difficulty of Esperanza’s birth. But you can aid her in other ways.”
“Believe me when I say I would change as many of Esperanza’s linens as she would allow me.”
“Yes, do care for the child, as she permits you, but if you see that it makes Ana distressed, do not take the babe from her mother more than necessary. In these early days, a new mother needs her child just as desperately as she needs to breathe or to eat.”
“But surely she needs to rest just as desperately.”
“Yes, dear,” Mother replied, gently patting Peter’s cheek.
“But imagine you just fought a hard battle to protect your foot soldiers. Then, without much preparation, they were taken away from you. After dedicating great portions of your energy and health to the well-being of those soldiers for many months, wouldn’t you feel panicked at not knowing how they were faring? ”
“Well, of course. But I wouldn’t feel like I needed to embrace them constantly, if that’s what you mean.” He quirked a half-hearted smile at her.
“Silly boy, you know what I refer to. You have always felt a strong urge to protect those around you, me included. It is even stronger for Ana María, as that urge is now innate and buried deep inside her. That, my dear Peter, is motherhood.”
The tightness that had captured his chest loosened at long last. Finally, Ana didn’t feel lost to him. Instead, he understood her in a way that he never had before. Her instinct to protect their daughter mirrored his own protective instincts. Perhaps they were more similar than he realized.
“Helping her in this way will enable her to feel calm and safe,” Mother said. “With time, she will heal, and not just her body but her mind as well.”
“I promise that everything I do is to protect her. I don’t even take a breath without thinking of her.” He ran a hand through his hair. “It is exhausting to worry so much about someone.”
Mother’s eyes softened as a gentle smile curved her lips. “Oh, my dear. You have come to love her.”