Chapter 37
Over the past week, Peter had seen a slow shift in Ana’s behavior.
She had appeared calmer, more peaceful, and even more energized.
They had taken to walking daily in the rose garden, as he had promised.
Mother’s being there greatly helped as well, as she assisted Ana in understanding the many changes she was undergoing.
In turn, Ana felt more comfortable leaving Esperanza in Mother’s care and even in Peter’s.
It was surely an indication of the safety that Ana felt in her presence.
There was a unique understanding between the two women that seemed to exude the quietude of soul that could only be found after crossing through a great deal of similar difficulties.
Peter was more grateful for his mother’s wisdom than he had ever been before.
And more regretful that he had ever imagined himself better off enlisting without her continued counsel and communication.
But that would change now. It had to. He would become a most devoted correspondent, with both Mother and Ana.
They would need his support, it seemed, nearly as much as he would need theirs.
Ana needed to feel that familial closeness that had been so absent for much of her life, and Mother would do him a great service in visiting Abbeygate as often as possible to ensure their relationship flourished.
Perhaps Ana could even visit London with her when she had to return.
Peter’s mind turned to his surroundings.
Feminine flourishes jumped out at him, from the paintings on the walls to the drapes at the window.
Even the mahogany chair on which he sat was carved with great intricacies.
He only wished that this room could become a haven for Ana, much as it had been for Mother.
Ana had not shared his bed, or even spent more than a brief, required moment in his rooms, since Esperanza had been born.
While having distance in that precious aspect of their relationship tore at him, he found solace in the trust that was beginning to build between them again.
Ana’s smile was beginning to widen again, and her gaze did not look so guarded, so numb.
Soon he felt that his wife, his love, would return to him—that is, if he treaded carefully and cared for her as he ought to.
That was the more difficult part. For how could he care for her when she wasn’t entirely certain how she needed to be cared for?
Still, Mother had told him that the love that burned in his heart would inspire his mind and propel forth his actions.
Soon he would be returning from abroad and all would be well between them, as it once had been.
A hesitant knock sounded at the adjoining door. “Pedro, you call for me?”
“Yes, querida, please do come in.”
The door opened, and Ana stepped across the threshold, a hesitant smile on her lips, even as her nervous eyes scoured the room. The tie of her deep ruby dressing gown cut across her figure, emphasizing the curves of motherhood that were so perfectly becoming on her form. And her arms were empty.
“Essie?”
“Ya duerme. Your mamá and Elena soothe her to sleep with their songs.”
“They have quite a talented touch, although she much prefers yours.” He smiled up at Ana, holding out a hand for her to join him.
“It is true,” she chuckled, “but with their help, I can rest.”
“Indeed. And as you rest, you can better care for Essie and yourself.”
Ana nodded as she lowered herself into the matching mahogany chair next to his.
She did not move as gingerly as she had in past weeks, one of many signs that she was healing, in body and in soul.
Peter was more than glad for it. He reached across the distance for her hand, convincing himself the movement was just as natural as it had once felt.
To his great surprise, Ana enclosed his hand in hers.
“Qué necesitas?”
Peter very nearly chuckled. That was his Ana, sparing the niceties to get to the point..
“I needed to tell you how beautiful you look tonight.”
Her brows lifted, her lips tilting to one side. “If you want to flatter me, you can do it in the morning when it is not time for me to rest.”
She did not believe that this was what he really needed. But Peter did not miss the rosy blush that bled through her cheeks. Progress. A small victory that he would tuck away in his heart for safekeeping.
“You are entirely correct, of course. Just a bit of nerves, querida.”
He rolled his shoulders and, with his free hand, reached for the letter tucked in his waistcoat pocket, the official wax seal tugging against the fabric. “You remember how I told you some weeks ago that I was anticipating my being recalled to my duties?”
“Sí,” Ana whispered, her voice a ghost of pain and panic. Her grip went limp and clammy. Peter gently pressed her hands, not wanting her to pull away.
“Well, I am to report to a meeting in London. The letter doesn’t say as much, but I suspect the London meeting will confirm where my official orders will lead me next, and for how long. There is still quite a bit of unrest throughout the surrounding nations in the wake of the war.”
The words pained Peter, particularly as he thought of the sweet, round-cheeked babe dozing down the hall from them just now. But the agony that lined Ana’s face slashed straight to his heart. Had he not prepared her sufficiently for this moment?
“I promise that all will be well while I am away.” He forged ahead, desperate to ease her panicked features.
“We can move Essie’s things over to this room if you feel you would be more comfortable here.
Mother has agreed to make arrangements to stay here for two weeks each month.
In her absence, perhaps you might visit her in London so you won’t be alone. ”
“But I won’t be with you!” Her voice was high and tight now, her hands having abandoned his completely to clutch the arms of her chair.
“You cannot be. We both understand quite well why it would be a mistake for you to return to the battlefield.” Peter clenched his fists. He would not allow her to return to the nightmare that was their beginning.
“But you tell me you will always be with me!” She was on her feet now, hands pressed against her cheeks, her eyes shining with desperate tears.
“And I will!” Peter had sworn he would protect her, and he would do all that he needed to see that she was cared for.
“How, Peter? How you be with me when you are across the ocean so far away?”
“I will be in your heart, and you will be in mine. We have Esperanza, connecting us permanently, inseparably . . .”
“But I will not be left behind, abandonada!” Her voice raked against the ceiling just as she crumbled to a heap on the floor. “Not again!”
Finally, Ana’s words in the rose garden made complete and entire sense.
She had not only been speaking of her mother’s and father’s abandonment.
She had been begging Peter to not do the same.
That was the real source of her grief and pain over these past weeks.
He rubbed at his chest, as if it could quell the ache that was growing ever present there.
But couldn’t she see that he would never abandon her? That instead, he was providing a life of safety and peace for her? It seemed the reality of a recall was shattering her.
“I will write you daily. Mother and Elena will help you care for Essie here. And when I return, we will be a great, happy family, as you and I both have always wanted.”
“But when you return, you will only leave again,” she whimpered from her place on the floor as sobs shook her curved form.
Peter sighed heavily. There was some truth to that, a truth he could not prevent nor deny. But then Ana had crawled to where he sat and grasped his hands.
“Por favor, let us go with you,” she begged.
Even as her eyes were wide with hope, awaiting his words, a familiar haunted look cut across her features.
Ana would never truly desire to return to a war camp again, not after what it did to her family and now her.
She must be truly desperate. But the mere thought of Ana and Essie traveling across the ocean with him to a war-torn Spain or France sent shivers of horror down Peter’s spine.
A nightmarish vision of Ana limping across the battlefield, her arms baby-laden, flashed before his eyes.
And he could never ensure that he would be there to rescue them both, as he had before. Fear wrenched painfully at his stomach.
“I will not have you lower yourself to the life of a camp follower. Even as a translator, I cannot permit it,” he said, squeezing her hands. “I will not have you or Esperanza be put at risk in any way.”
“Then it is I who must leave. I cannot stay here without you. No puedo.”
An entirely different type of panic seized Peter now. This was not the panic of leaving but of being left. He clutched at Ana’s hands and pressed them to his lips, even as she tried to pull away from him. Questions rushed out of him.
“What could you possibly mean by that?”
“I leave . . .” she started.
“To London, surely? To Heathridge Hall?” he said, the words very nearly blending together, so quickly they left him.
“I go home,” she murmured, her eyes hazy and distant with memory. “A Espana.”
“No, no.” Peter’s hands moved to her face now, cupping her cheeks, begging her to stay with him in this moment and forever, his mind and movements entirely tortured. “You cannot leave.”
“Pedro, I need to feel safe. I need a place that is familiar and comfortable for Esperanza and me. And Abbeygate will be neither sin ti.”
Abbeygate will be neither without you. Peter had done so much to ensure that Abbeygate offered Ana all the comforts that she required, but he had never considered that he might be the comfort she really needed.
“And if you visited your grandmother for a time, would you return?” Peter’s voice was brittle, his heart seconds from shattering.