Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
O nce Keane left to meet the council, Elsie lay down on the bed, tucking her legs up into her stomach. She did feel tired, and yet, when she closed her eyes, sleep just would not come. So much had happened in such a short period of time, that her mind whirled with myriad thoughts.
First and foremost was Keane’s expression of love. When those words left his mouth, she had heard nothing else, for her heart had leapt for joy. She had known for some time that she felt deeply for him. And perhaps, she ought to have told him before now that she was indeed in love with him. Yet something had stopped her.
But what?
Fear, nay doubt. Ye were too scared that he wouldnae reciprocate. Or perhaps, more scared that he wouldnae care.
Perhaps that was the reason, though over the last few days, he had not given her reason to think such a thing. Maybe it also had to do with the fact that she had never truly felt love. And with that, felt that she was, in some way, unlovable.
Now, however, she knew differently. He loved her. He was in love with her. And even though she had experienced deep affection from him, hearing those words had meant so much more. He had told her exactly what she needed to hear. He couldn’t lose her. But nor could she lose him.
The memory of that battle tortured her, for had she not shoved him out of the way at that very second, she would have lost him. She had hardly cared for her own welfare. The soldier she had attacked could have outwitted her at any second. But all she had cared about was Keane.
Now, however, that dreadful feeling of killing yet another man overtook her, and she felt sick to her stomach. She wondered if taking another’s life ever became easier. Clearly, warriors did it every time they went into battle. Did they have these same feelings of guilt, horror, numbness? Even now, as she closed her eyes, all she could see was that soldier’s face; his pain and fear as his soul left his body.
It was him or Keane.
She knew that, but that knowledge did not make her feel any better.
After some time, she gave up trying to sleep. She needed something to distract her, and staring at the wall certainly wasn’t helping. Pushing herself from the bed, she headed to the door, but then halted. Keane said he would return, but if he did not find her there, he would worry.
I should leave him a note.
Finding some parchment, she told him where she would be, and then left it on the bedside locker where he would be able to find it. After that, she left the bedchamber and headed downstairs to the library.
A fire roared in the large room. Having chosen a book she hoped would quieten her dreadful thoughts, Elsie settled on a chaise lounge and opened it to read but it did not work, for she found herself reading the same paragraph over and over. She had read only a few pages when the door to the library opened.
Turning, she watched Keane enter.
“Couldnae sleep?” he asked as he lowered himself down beside her.
Elsie sighed and shook her head.
“Dae ye want tae tell me about it?”
She gazed at him for a long moment, wondering whether he might think her a fool for her feelings. But then, she remembered that this man loved her and would not judge her on something of such weight.
“Dae ye ever get used tae killing people?”
Realization crossed his face, and he looked sadly at her.
“Come here,” he said, pulling her into him.
Elsie left the book on the table beside her and allowed her husband to pull her in close. He was warm, and felt strong against her, like he always did. She could not remember a time or a place that had ever made her feel as safe as Keane’s embrace. He was her bulwark, a refuge from the storm, even if that storm was only in her mind.
“Ye are upset about that soldier.”
“I ken it was ye or him?—”
“Or ye,” Keane added.
“Aye. Or me. Still. I cannae get that look in his eyes out o’ me head. I was staring intae his eyes at the exact moment his soul left his body.”
Keane remained silent, as though he was allowing her to continue.
“So? Dae ye? Ever get used tae it, I mean?” she pressed.
She felt his chin shake against the top of her head. “Nae really, little one. I suppose, but I think a warrior hardens himself tae it.”
“But what about the first time it happened? The first time ye saw someone’s life ebb away?”
He nodded. “Aye, the first time was hard.” His voice sounded far more melancholy now. “But me first time wasnae in battle.”
Elsie sensed that there was something much deeper in his words. Pushing herself from his chest, she gazed up at him. He looked lost in his thoughts, and overcome with sadness.
“When?” she asked tentatively. “What happened?”
“When I was ten years old, I watched me maither’s soul leave her body,” Keane said sadly. “One minute she was there, and then, after several final breaths, she was gone. All that remained was the vessel her soul had occupied.”
“Och, God, Keane. Ye’ve never told me that.”
He smiled sadly down at her. “I’ve never told anybody that. Well, Alisdair and me sister ken, but I’ve never talked about it. Our family lost two members that day, for me maither had given birth tae a child. The child didnae survive either.”
Tears welled in Elsie’s eyes, and she grabbed hold of his arm. Pressing her face into his bicep, she gasped. “I am so sorry, me love. I am so very sorry.”
They sat in silence for a long time, the hissing and crackling wood in the fire the only sound. Elsie did not want to push Keane any further than he was willing to go, and thus, she remained silent. If he wanted to talk further, she wanted to give him the space to do so.
After the longest time, Keane took a deep breath in.
“It is the reason I…” he hesitated.
Elsie then lifted her head and gazed at him. “The reason ye what?”
He shrugged. “The reason I… dinnae finish inside ye when we are making love.”
And in that one sentence, Keane’s actions made sense. There had been a reason for Keane breaking their connection at the end of their love-making, and that was it.
“Ye dinnae want me tae get with child,” she breathed. “Ye’re scared that the same thing will happen tae me.”
Once more, a silence fell between them. This time, Elsie was not giving Keane room to think. It was she who needed to process what his words meant. She had not even considered children with Keane; there had been far too much going on for it to have occurred to her. But now, as she thought about it, the idea of not becoming a mother saddened her.
As she had grown, it was something she had desired to happen eventually. Even when she was being forced to marry Laird Gunn, she had envisioned a future with children of her own. Of course, her marriage to Keane had hardly started with true love and the hope for them to have a family. Their love had blossomed after the fact. A love that, at some point, might have produced children they could love dearly. Children they could both watch grow into fine young men and women. But how could she now try and force her desire onto Keane after what he had suffered?
She couldn’t. It just wouldn’t be right.
“Ye want children, dinnae ye?” Keane said.
“Well. I havenae really… I mean…” She floundered, trying to find the right words without telling him an outright lie. “It hasnae been something I have really thought about.”
Keane smiled down at her with a knowing expression. “Have ye forgotten already that I can hear every thought in yer head, little one?”
Of course, he could. So now, what was she supposed to say?
“I cannae give ye yer wish, Elsie. I’m sorry. I simply dinnae have the strength tae risk losing ye.”
Elsie took a deep breath in and then let it out slowly. Clearly, there was to be no compromise. At that thought, her heart ached, for she would have loved to have raised her and Keane’s children in a happy home.
“It is clear that ye want a child o’ yer own, little one. And I am nae going tae stand in the way o’ that. Thus, I… If ye want it, I will give ye yer freedom.” Keane’s voice sounded heavier than she had ever heard it.
Elsie frowned. “What dae ye mean, me freedom?”
“Exactly what I say. Ye are free tae leave. Nay harm will come tae ye from me or any other. Ye will be free tae return tae yer own clan, if ye so desire. Free tae be with another so ye can fulfill yer desire tae be a maither. As much as it will hurt me honor, what will hurt me more would be seeing ye sad because of me choices.”
Gazing at him, she could see the weight of the sadness that enveloped him. After his expression of love, he was willing to give up everything they shared so she could have the life she wanted. It pained her, and at the same time, impressed her. In fact, she could hardly believe she was sitting next to the same man who had snatched her from the chapel not so long ago. It was unheard of a laird’s wife to leave him while he was still alive.
Keane could not return her gaze. Instead, he looked into the fire. Perhaps he was too terrified to discover what her reply might be. Or more so, he feared that she would see his reaction when she did give him her answer.
Still reeling from his words, Elsie could barely speak, and besides, her mind was now running wild as the thoughts whirled around her head.
I am free. I would be free tae dae as I pleased. I could be with another and produce a child tae love and tae care fer.
Ye could dae all of those things. Yet, in the eyes of God that wouldnae be right. And tae dae them, ye would lose the man sitting beside ye. The man who loves ye with all his heart. The man who has protected ye from any and all harm, including yer own faither. Besides, are ye nae in love with him?
Aye. I am. I love him with every fiber of me being. In fact, I now couldnae imagine me life without him. Tae dae so actually causes me pain, fer even now, I am aching at the very thought o’ leaving him.
Elsie then turned to Keane and took his hand in hers.
“Look at me, Keane.”
But he did not move from staring into the fire.
“Please,” she said gently.
Eventually, Keane turned his head to look at her, his eyes glassy and saddened.
“I need ye tae hear me words, all right?” Elsie encouraged.
Keane nodded just once.
“I want tae thank ye fer sacrificing everything ye feel fer me, just so I can be happy. Just so I can fulfill me desire tae be a maither. Ye truly are the best man I have ever met in me life.”
Keane’s sadness remained, and not able to look at her a moment longer, he dropped his gaze.
“However,” she continued. Keane then lifted his eyes again, his eyebrows hitching in surprise. “When a woman loves a man with the depth o’ feeling that I love ye, she cannae give that love or that man up so very easily. There is naething that can replace that. Nae even the want o’ a child. I would prefer tae spend me life by yer side than have a child with another, for I could never love that other with the intensity that I love ye. Nor would I want tae.”
In her life, Elsie had never seen a man cry, but at that very second, tears trickled down Keane’s face. He seemed unable to speak, but Elsie could see they were tears of relief, tears of happiness, tears of joy.
Swiping his hand across his face, he expressed both disbelief and delight, and still struggling to form words, he opened his mouth to speak.
“Ye would stay?”
“Aye,” Elsie gushed, throwing her arms around him and kissing his tears. Moving from one side of his face to the other, she kissed and talked at the same time.
“I never want tae leave ye. Nae ever. I love ye. I am yers and ye are mine, remember?”
Suddenly, Elsie found herself swept up in his arms, and as though she weighed nothing at all, Keane lifted her and sat her upon his lap. His lips came crashing down onto hers, his pain, fear, and sorrow pouring out of him into a kiss that showed his possession of her.
“I dinnae want tae live me life without ye,” he panted, before kissing her again.
“Ye willnae,” she breathed, the second she could break from his kiss. “I’m nae going anywhere. I swear.”
Wrapped in the safety of Keane’s arms, Elsie’s eyes slowly closed. She had not been able to sleep earlier, but after all they had emptied from their souls, and knowing that she would choose him over any other, Elsie finally felt at peace.
In complete contrast to the beginning of their journey together, she no longer wanted to escape. No more did she want to run away. Her heart was lost to the man who held her so tenderly, so lovingly, so protectively. While he had been willing to make a sacrifice that would have destroyed them both, Elsie would learn to live with the fact that she would never be a mother. Rather that, than she not having Keane by her side. With that knowledge, she had dropped into peaceful slumber.
Elsie suddenly gasped as a loud sound jerked them awake, for he too, had fallen asleep. Elsie jumped off his lap and stood, pressing her hands against her ears at the loud ringing bell. She did not need to ask Keane what the sound meant. Her own father had a similar alarm system. Besides, the bellowing voices in the corridor made it perfectly clear.
“We’re under attack.”