Chapter 28
WREN
T he River Styx was endless. Everything on either side of its banks looked exactly the same, and I felt like we’d been walking for days.
Fea looked over her shoulder at me. “Time works strangely here. Well, to be exact, there is no time. Why would there be time? There is no sun to mark the day. No moon, no tide, nothing but the endlessness of eternity. I guess this is where time comes to die too, don’t you think?”
I felt like I was Alice talking to the Mad Hatter. A very unhappy deathday to me, to me. “So up top, it’s probably been how long?”
Fea shrugged. “An hour? A year? A century? It’s impossible to know.”
I looked over at Cy, who also shrugged. “Time is weird down here. But I’ve never been down here and missed a century. Usually works the other way. A year down here is a month up there. That kind of thing.”
I didn’t know why it mattered how much time I was missing. I was dead. My short life had been full of pain, just because the universe had chosen me as some kind of divine incubator. Then, it didn’t let me even have a few moments of peace. No, the universe had to fuck me over one more time and let me be murdered.
How fucking dare it?
How was any of this fair?
The more we walked, the more the anger in my chest built and built. Every little part of my life had been about moving me into this position. The people I’d loved. The choices I’d made. The job I’d gotten. All of this was so the babies could be born. And then fate had the audacity to cut my life painfully short.
I stumbled over a rock, but it felt like more than that. It felt like just one more obstacle in my path, ensuring that I couldn’t even have a moment's peace. “Argh!” Leaning down, I snatched the rock from the ground and threw it as far as I could into the River Styx—which turned out not to be far, because I was weak and the rock was big. And I didn’t even have the satisfaction of a big splash, because the waters weren’t even really water. They were souls.
Souls like mine.
I turned and screamed into the darkness around me, already filled with howling souls, and I just became one voice in the symphony of suffering.
I screamed and screamed and screamed. “ Why?! What fucking more do you want from me? I’ve given you everything. Why couldn’t you let me be happy for even just a second? ” I screeched, though I doubted the force who’d done this to me was here.
Maybe I was just unlucky. Maybe there was no Great Weaver. No power moving us all around like chess pieces. Maybe there was just shitty fucking luck, and I’d gotten the bad end over and over again, because that’s what I deserved.
Two big arms wrapped around my waist, and I collapsed into Cy’s body. I sobbed furious tears, letting them spill onto the barren ground like acid rain. Let my tears soak into the River Styx, like the tears of so many others before me.
Cy didn’t tell me it was all going to be okay. Who could predict that, really? He didn’t try to appease me or make me feel better; he just did what he’d promised he’d do back on the banks of the river.
He stayed with me, always.
“It’s not fair, Cy. It’s just not fair .”
He stroked his hand down my hair. “I know, baby.”
“They’re going to grow up without a mother, for what? Petty revenge? The Moirai couldn’t have been the Fates again, with only the two of them. What was the point of it all?” My voice was beginning to rise again. “I’m so fucking angry. I want to… I want to tear the fucking world down. I want to find whoever decided this was my destiny, our destiny, and fucking punch them in the dick.”
He kissed my cheeks, chasing the salty tears from around my eyes. “I’ll hold their cosmic, all-powerful arms for you so you can get in a couple of good shots before we’re turned to dust.”
I laughed, but it was a wet, pathetic sound. Beneath it was bitter anger that I didn’t think was ever going to go away.
Fea cleared her throat, and I realized I’d just had a huge, toddler-style meltdown in front of this stranger. My guide. What the hell did that even mean? She seemed about as oblivious to the reason she was with me as we were.
“Saying I’m sorry that you’ve suffered would be woefully pitiful, so I’ll spare my breath.” She gave me a sympathetic expression that was likely to make me start crying again, so I dragged my face back to Cy’s chest. “Annwn is close, and then you can rest.”
Nodding, I wiped my face against his shirt, and to Cy’s credit, he let me use him as a human tissue. Because you know what else Hell didn’t have, besides my loved ones? Tissues. Or coffee, probably.
Nudging me gently, Cy made me walk some more, and I trudged along behind Fea. After another indeterminable amount of time, the scenery began to change. It seemed lighter, with trees beginning to appear, though they were thick, pale things with strange-looking foliage.
“We’ve arrived,” Fea said softly.
I could almost feel the change. The ground vibrated with magic and power that felt slightly different to that of the gates of the Underworld, and even more different to the dead feeling of the River Styx.
Looking over at Fea, I wondered if we’d stumbled through the gates already. “If I’m in Annwn, won’t I get trapped here, the way I would have been stuck in the Underworld?”
Fea smiled at me, like she was so happy I was asking her questions, so she could flex her guide knowledge. She really was sweet. She reminded me of a little fairy. “No, because we aren’t truly in Annwn yet. We are nearing Tech Duinn. It’s where souls go when they first die, and then they move on to Annwn, the Otherworld. Kind of like a holding area.”
I didn’t know why I was going to the Celtic holding area, but I was just going with it. Maybe if I held off moving to any afterlife, a solution might just present itself for me to… what? Become a zombie? I was dead. Dead-dead.
Whatever. I was going to do what I always did—stick my head in the sand and hope it all worked itself out.
Fea was still talking, and I tuned back in, not wanting to miss anything. “Unlike most Underworlds, the Otherworld—we call it Annwn—is often visited by Mythics. It is a whole society, much like earth, with people and politics and happiness. Occasionally, even grand heroes can visit and return safely to earth, maintaining their mortal soul. Unfortunately, no one who is dead has ever returned.” She gave me a soft, comforting look. “Tech Duinn and Annwn are governed by two Gods: Donn, who presides over Tech Duinn, and Arawn, who governs the Otherworld. They bicker a lot, but it’s good natured. I think a healthy rivalry keeps them from being bored. You know what they say: a bored God is a dangerous one.”
In front of us, a big castle loomed. And I mean, it was huge. It towered right into the sky, so high I wasn’t sure there was an end. Its large walls ran right around, cutting off the view of the surrounding forest. It was certainly dominating.
“You’re a Mythic, right? Does that mean you can come and go from the Otherworld?” Maybe Fea could send a message to Nate, to my guys, and tell them that I was okay. That I wasn’t scared, or frightened, or sad. It would be all lies, but at least it might appease them.
Fea’s expression turned sad. “Unfortunately, no. I was killed by an immortal weapon, which means that my ability to visit the Isles was snuffed out. I’m a permanent resident of the Otherworld now.” She brightened. “But I can leave and travel around the Underworld if I like, which allows me to be your guide.”
Cy interrupted. “Your name sounds familiar to me. What flavor of Mythic were you?”
“I was a War Goddess, though I was never much for the actual fight. I enjoyed tactics more than the battle.”
Another Celtic Goddess of War. What were the chances of that?
“Did you know Néit?”
Fea smiled so wide, her face lit up like a Christmas tree. “Yes, you could say I knew Néit. Everyone knew him. A fearsome warrior, an expert horseman, a fair lord. He mightn’t have been loved by all, but he was certainly loved by Badb.” She paused on Morrigan’s name, her eyes getting soft. “And me. He was my husband.”
My feet stopped instantly. My whole body felt like it had slammed into a forcefield. “You were married to Nate—I mean, Néit? I thought Badb was his wife?” I was choking on the words. How many wives did Nate have?
Fea shrugged. “She was my wife too. She was the Morrigan—the most beautiful, deadly Goddess in our history. How could I not love her too? Besides, it was different back then. You could handfast as many as you liked, as long as you loved and honored them, and Néit did love and honor us. He mightn’t have loved us as much as he loved a battle, or maybe even that damn ax, but he certainly loved us, and we loved each other.” She sounded wistful, like their relationship had been just a month ago, not several thousands of years in the past.
Cy cleared his throat. “That explains a lot, really. I guess I know now why your name was familiar,” he squeaked out.
I was saved from saying anything by our arrival at the gates of the fortress. Fea knocked once, and the gates swung inward, showing a giant dressed all in black.
His voice was like a thunder clap. “I wondered when you’d arrive.”