Chapter Eleven
Lainey
From the moment we got home from vacation, I completely flipped back into the disciplined version of myself, pushing the summer break, and everything that happened, out of my mind. Except for Jace.
The last three weeks of summer were some of the best I’ve had, and I owe it all to him. He was kind, caring, and the most patient guy I’ve met. We had my mom-approved date and plenty more, but we didn’t kiss until the last week. When I finally felt ready. And while it was wonderful, I couldn’t get Thomas out of my head, and as it turns out, Jace was struggling too.
The spark wasn’t there. Our feelings for other people were too strong…but we came out of it with a great friendship.
So, a week after we got home, when my parents decided to throw Luke a party for an award he received, Jace was the first person I texted, knowing I would probably see Thomas. And like the true friend he is, he’s been checking in on me ever since.
Jace: Is he there yet?
He texts as my gaze flits around the room, searching for Thomas while telling myself I’m fine.
Lainey: Not yet. I don’t even know if he’s coming.
Jace: He will.
I smile, and though I know he’s probably right, it doesn’t mean what Jace thinks it means. He seems to believe that Thomas must have feelings for me too, considering how often he used to visit. But we’ll see. I think he just needed a friend. Like I did.
As I sit alone in the bar my parents rented, it feels like a lifetime before Thomas arrives, and even longer before he notices me.
Despite trying everything I could to get over him, the second he comes into view, I’m right back where I started, and as he walks my way, my insides squirm while my heart pounds in my chest. God, I missed him. I’m just not sure I’m ready to see him again.
“How was your vacation?” he asks after sitting down next to me, crossing his arms over the table as he leans forward. It feels strange for us to be away from my room but also nice. We haven’t really chatted in public since bowling, and it almost feels forbidden because of how much time we’ve spent together since that day. Time that no one knows about.
Yet, because we’re both here for Luke, we can finally be free.
Luke won an award for his contribution to youth football, and we’re celebrating his achievement. I’m here as his supportive little sister, and Thomas is here as his friend. We can talk without drawing attention to ourselves. I hope.
“I had a great time,” I answer, after clearing my thoughts. “I danced a lot, but I lost a bit of the pressure as time went on, and I allowed myself to have a bit of fun for once.”
Thomas genuinely smiles, the sparkle of happiness reaching his eyes. “Go, Lainey. I’m proud of you.”
My cheeks heat at the warmth he’s projecting, and like always, he pulls me right back into his world. “Thank you, Thomas. It was a much-needed break. I feel refreshed and ready to tackle my next adventure.”
“Good for you.”
“How was your summer? Did—”
“There you are,” Luke says, practically falling into one of the chairs across from us. “What are you two talking about?” he asks nervously. “She didn’t tell you about the lake, did she?”
Thomas’s brows rise as my heart races. I wasn’t going to say anything about Jace, so I hope he’s talking about something else.
“She only mentioned that she had fun. What did you think she was going to tell me?”
“Nothing at all.” Luke zips his mouth shut, and I giggle when I realize what he’s referring to. Usually that’s something I would want to tell his friends. But since I don’t want him to bring up Jace, I leave it, shrugging when Thomas questions me with his expression.
What I’d love to tell Thomas is that Luke got himself into a bit of trouble after hooking up with two best friends, one night after the other, and then hooking up with the first one’s younger sister, having no idea any of them knew each other. I found it hilarious until there was slapping and verbal abuse, then I kind of stepped in and stuck up for him. He wasn’t impressed at having his younger sister defend him. Especially when Jace stepped in to defend me. It was a mess to say the least. And one that Luke asked us never to speak of again.
He visibly relaxes when he realizes I’m keeping quiet, then immediately throws me under a bus. “Actually, Thomas, I bet you’ll agree with me on this one, since you have a little sister,” he begins and I freeze, the smile dropping from my face. “Lainey’s too young to date, right? She’s sixteen, for God’s sake.”
Thomas frowns and a crease forms between his brows.
“He doesn’t even have to answer.” Luke laughs. “I can see it on his face. I was right. You’re too young.”
“I’m not dating anyone,” I snap. This conversation is like a broken record.
“Maybe not now because he lives thousands of miles away, but I saw you swap phone numbers.”
“Luke, this is none of your business.”
Luke scoffs. “It’s my business when I’m the one that catches you with your tongue down his throat.”
Thomas’s head whips my way, and I feel his eyes boring into the side of my face.
“So? All we did was kiss. If Mom didn’t care, neither should you.”
My sometimes nice, sometimes an asshole big brother felt the need to tell Mom that he caught me and Jace kissing. Lucky for me, she promised not to tell Dad, and actually got excited. “Your first kiss?” she’d gushed and while I’d prefer not to have had that conversation with her, it was kind of a nice bonding moment.
But there was no tongue. It was nothing like how Luke explained it. I pulled away not long after our lips met because it didn’t feel right. Not that I told Luke that.
“I guess I should be happy we’re home now,” he says with a grin. “You can go back to focusing on school and dance. You’ve got plenty of time for boys.”
“You’re such an ass,” I huff, folding my arms over my chest—a little out of anger and a lot out of embarrassment.
“Thomas, back me up here,” he continues, and I swear he’s asking for trouble.
Thomas raises his hands in the air and laughs, but it’s not his usual chuckle. “I want nothing to do with this. I’ve got enough little sister issues to worry about.”
I glance his way but he subtly shakes his head, telling me not to take on his worry. Of course, I ignore him, making a note to bring it up if we get another moment alone.
Luke and Thomas chat about college after that, and I’m sure I”m supposed to leave, but since I was sitting here first, I use that as my excuse for staying.
After about thirty minutes, something gets Luke’s attention across the room, and he excuses himself to walk away.
The second he’s gone, I let out a nervous giggle. “So that wasn’t awkward at all,” I joke. “I can honestly say my heart stayed firmly lodged in my throat.”
“Why?” Thomas asks with an edge to his voice.
“I was waiting for the moment he figured us out.” My brow furrows. “You know…waiting for the ah-ha moment if you will.”
“So, you weren’t nervous that he brought up your date?”
“My date?” God, I do not want to talk about that. “Okay, yes. I didn’t love that,” I say honestly, because I struggle to lie to Thomas—withholding information being the exception.
“Again, why?” he repeats but this time his voice is softer.
“I have no idea. I guess I’m still processing it myself.”
“Was he a good guy? He didn’t pressure you or anything?”
“God, no. I mean, yes.” Thomas’s brows shoot up before his face morphs into one of anger. “What I mean is that yes, he is a good guy, and no, he didn’t pressure me.”
Thomas visibly relaxes, but there’s a different air about him. “That’s good, I’m glad.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For caring.” I nervously cup my glass, staring down at the liquid.
“Of course I care,” Thomas whispers loudly, drawing my attention. “Without even realizing it was happening, or why, you’ve become my closest friend. I care about you. A lot. I want to see you happy. And when you talked about the lake, your face lit up like I’ve never seen before. I’m glad you had someone who helped contribute to that.”
My heart shatters as Thomas cements his platonic feelings for me while making me like him even more. I was kidding myself for thinking I could ever kiss someone else and get over him. And though his words are breaking me—I’m one of his closest friends; he’s happy because another guy made me happy—how am I ever going to get past this?
“Thank you, Thomas. I get it, I’m the same. I usually feel like I can tell you anything. It just felt weird talking about Jace with anyone.”
We don’t talk about other people. Ever. Thomas doesn’t tell me what he’s doing and I’m grateful for that. But I’m not naive. I know I’m not the only girl he spends time with. Only I can guess he does more with them than just talk.
“I understand and I’m glad you’re happy.”
Luke comes back shortly after that and drags Thomas away, taking him over to two girls in tight dresses standing by the door, both with breasts bursting out of the tops. I glance down at my almost flat chest and chuff out a laugh. Yet another reason I need to move on… Thomas has tastes and those tastes aren’t me. I will never look like that. My body wasn’t built that way, and it’s never bothered me before.
But now…a jealous feeling hits me as they flirt right before my eyes, and when Thomas whispers something in one of the girls’ ears, I force myself to look away.
The night goes on and I don’t see Thomas much except for the occasional unwelcome glance in his direction, my eyes betraying me. Especially when I happen to look his way as he leaves with the brunette Luke introduced to him, his arm wrapped around her shoulders, not a care in the world. I wait for the extra sting, but it’s not as bad as I would have thought. Probably because I saw it coming and never once thought otherwise. Luke’s mentioned on a number of occasions that he and Thomas are the same like that—no-strings kind of guys—and now that I’ve finally seen it, maybe it will help me move on.
I’m exhausted by the time I get home—socializing often does that to me—so when I walk into my bedroom, I don’t even bother turning the light on as my bed calls for me. All that stands in my way is a clean set of pajamas.
Walking blindly to my dresser, I fumble around until I find two satin items. I only have one pair of satin pajamas, so at least I know they match.
As soon as I’ve changed, I fall onto my bed, my eyes closing instantly.
Thoughts of Thomas and Jace swirl through my mind, and no matter how hard I try to focus on Jace, Thomas wins out. Even after I force myself to picture Jace’s protective arms wrapped around my back, or his palms cupping my face, the second I look into his eyes, they’re greenish-bronze, not brown. They’re Thomas’s.
Whenever my thoughts of Thomas move into unsafe territory, I usually cut them off, but since I know what he’s doing tonight—with someone else—I allow myself this moment, hoping I can mold the thoughts of him kissing me with the thoughts of him sleeping around. As a way to make my feelings for him a little more jaded.
I imagine his hand on my face, his thumb brushing along my cheek. I picture his eyes staring into mine as he tells me how beautiful I am, and then, clear as day, I see his lips moving toward mine, ready to—
A knock startles me from my fantasy, and my eyes flash to the door, waiting to hear who it is. I stay quiet, hoping they’ll leave me alone, but when the knock comes again, it’s louder and coming from the window.
With my heart thumping in my chest, I get out of bed and slowly walk over. I’d normally be rushing to let Thomas in, but tonight feels different, and I don’t know if it’s because of the thoughts I was having or the fact that I saw him leaving with someone else.
When I pull back the curtain, Thomas has his hand in his hair as he paces the small ledge of the roof. I instantly panic and pull open the window, grabbing his arm, causing him to startle.
“Woah, you gave me a heart attack,” he whispers. “What if I’d fallen?” He peers over the edge and shudders.
“Why do you think I grabbed you? Who paces on a roof? What happened?”
“Nothing.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know. I’m fine. Can I come in?”
Without a word, I hold the curtain open and wait for him to enter, and when he steps through, his broad shoulders brush against me, sending a shiver down my spine. He pauses and I hold my breath, hoping he hasn’t noticed my reaction to him, but after the longest second, he moves into the room without comment.
“I’m sorry for waking you,” he whispers, his eyes bouncing around the room, focusing on anything but me, reminiscent of the first time he was here. My brow furrows until I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and gasp.
“Oh God, I’m sorry. No one should have to see me with bed hair.” I rush to the vanity and brush out the mess before pulling it into a ponytail high on my head.
My satin top lifts to reveal my stomach but I ignore it, focusing on fixing my hair. When I’m done, I look in the mirror and find Thomas’s gaze on my exposed skin, his intense stare eliciting another shiver as I swallow a lump in my throat.
“I didn’t even notice your hair,” he says as he looks away. “You’re always beautiful, no matter what.”
He thinks I’m beautiful.
“Have you been drinking?” I ask, unable to hide my nervous giggle. I know he wasn’t drinking at the bar, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t had anything since he left.
“No.” He flashes me a bemused smile. “You think I have to be drunk to call you beautiful?”
“No, I don’t know. Maybe. You’ve just never said it before.” I grimace.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you didn’t know. I’m sure that guy told you. He should have told you.”
He did, many times, but it hits differently coming from Thomas’s mouth. There’s a strange energy in the air, and I can’t figure out if I’m imagining it or if it’s real.
“Thank you,” I say with a smile. “I’m sorry I questioned it.”
“So you should be.” His cocky grin finally appears and I relax. There’s the Thomas I know and love. Love. Jesus. Unfortunately for me, I think that’s the truth.
“Did you have fun at the party?” I ask as I walk past him to sit on the bed.
He doesn’t move, but instead stays standing in the same position, like he’s ready to make a run for it at any given moment.
“I did. It was a good night. Can’t believe I’ll be seeing Luke on a daily basis again.”
“Unlucky,” I joke but Thomas only huffs out a laugh in return. “Is everything okay?” I ask. “You mentioned having some stuff going on with your sister.”
“Summer?” he questions, confusion in his eyes. “There’s definitely something going on with her; I just haven’t figured out what it is.”
“And you’re worried?”
“Not right now, no.” He looks between me and the window before he winces in pain. “Fuck, I should go.”
He rushes to the opening and begins to climb through before I’ve had a chance to question him.
“Thomas, wait.” I run across the room, following him out, landing on the roof just as he reaches the railing. “Thomas?” I whisper, and he pauses but doesn’t turn around, seemingly frozen on the spot.
I’m about to whisper again when he runs his hands down his face and groans out, “Fuck it,” before spinning around and covering the distance between us in two quick strides.
“Thomas, what—” He cuts me off when one of his hands sinks into my hair, the other settling at my waist. I only manage to suck in a quick breath before his mouth descends on mine, consuming me in an explosive kiss.
I fall back against the wall as he crowds my space, pushing his hand farther into my hair. My heart ramps up into overdrive as his lips explore mine, sucking, caressing, taking every part of me with his touch.
I rise to my toes, bringing us closer together, securing my arms around his neck, and when my top lifts, his large hand wraps around me, his calloused fingers brushing against my skin.
I work hard not to let a single sound escape me, nervous that if I even breathe too deeply, I’ll break whatever spell he’s under. Because while this doesn’t feel real, it’s the most alive I’ve ever felt, and I never want it to end.
The kiss continues, with our bodies aligned and every one of my nerve endings firing, but that’s nothing compared to how I feel when he runs his tongue along my lips, seeking entry. Entry that I grant him in a heartbeat.
This should have been my first kiss. This is how it was meant to be.
Thomas moves his hands to my cheeks and lifts my chin, angling my face so he can deepen the kiss. My body jolts as I lose the battle to stay quiet, moaning breathlessly against his mouth. And just as I feared, something invisible snaps, and Thomas springs away from me so fast I reach out to grab him in case he falls.
“I’m sorry,” he huffs out, stepping out of my reach. “Fuck. I’m so sorry. I’ve got to go.”
He effortlessly leaps over the railing and within what feels like seconds, he’s down the stairs and rushing around the corner of the house.
I don’t move.
I can’t.
Because the second I do, I know I’m going to wake up from a dream. That couldn’t have possibly happened. It can’t be real. I felt everything in that kiss, and only half the emotion was coming from me.
I must have imagined it.
Because if it was real, that would mean he felt the same way I do, and I can’t allow myself to think that.
I can’t allow myself to hope.