Chapter Thirty-Eight
Thomas
The hurt is obvious in Lainey’s tone, and the second she’s gone, I realize what I’ve done. Jumping out of bed, I try to chase after her, only to trip over my shoes on the floor. “Goddammit.”
My shoulder aches from where I fell into the wall, but that’s nothing compared to the pounding in my head.
No longer caring about Luke, I call out, hoping to stop Lainey before she leaves. “Lainey, wait.”
Sliding around the corner, into the hallway, I come to a screeching halt to find Lainey standing by the front door. She pockets her phone before folding her arms over her chest.
“I just booked an Uber. I thought you wanted me to leave?” she states plainly, her tone lacking the bite I thought was coming.
“I’m an idiot. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you away like that. Truth is, I wish I didn’t care what your brother thinks…but I do. This,” I say, motioning between us, “means a lot to me, but we’re on a time limit. I don’t want you to ruin things with Luke before you leave. If you’re apart, the cracks will deepen.” My eyes flash to the stairs, and Lainey scoffs.
“He’s not here. You’re worried for nothing.”
While that’s a relief, the issue still remains. “Lainey…”
“No. It doesn’t matter what my brother thinks. This isn’t about him.”
She’s right, but… “What if he loses it? What if it affects your relationship?”
“I don’t care.”
“I do.” I point to myself. “I care. I can’t be the reason things fuck up between you. And I know you care, or you would have told him already. This isn’t worth it.” Lainey’s eyes widen before she schools her features. Fuck. “Wait, I didn’t mean you weren’t worth it, I—”
“I get it and you’re right; I shouldn’t be here. Luke could walk in at any moment. Let’s talk tomorrow. When you’re sober.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. You are far from fine. Go back to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
She walks outside, leaving me completely stunned, and when the door clicks shut, it hits me as to why. I don’t think she was talking about me at this moment. Something tells me she’s talking in general. And fuck, I hate that she’s right.
I’m not sure how long I stand, eyes locked on the door, with my hands in my hair, but when I turn around, Nate’s there, along with one of my old teammates, Jack, both staring my way.
“Shit, where did you come from?”
“The stairs. You know the sound from the entry travels straight up to my room.”
“Fuck.” I wince. “I’m sorry.”
Jack shrugs and walks away, while Nate smiles sympathetically.
“Don’t be sorry.” He shakes his head. “We couldn’t hear anything specific, but when I heard footsteps outside my door, I jumped up to make sure Lainey had gone if Jack was going downstairs. I was still wide awake after dragging your drunk ass inside.”
Jesus. I wince again. “Sorry about that too. Are you sure he didn’t—”
“I’m sure. He was practically sleepwalking.”
“Okay. Good.” I breathe out a sigh of relief. “But that was close. I need a drink.” I move to step around Nate, but he throws his arm out to stop me.
“Nope.”
“Nope?”
“Is drinking really a good idea?” he asks, hitting me with a questioning look that screams guidance counselor asking me to make my own choices. He’ll be a good teacher one day.
My thoughts make me chuckle as I step out of his grasp. “I just need something to stop the head thumping. Hair of the dog… It works every time.”
“Bullshit.”
“Bullshit? Why do you care what I do?”
“I don’t care what you do. If you want to fuck up your own life, that’s fine. After all, ‘you don’t have a problem.’” He throws my words back at me. “But I do care about Lainey.”
My eyes narrow as a nauseous feeling settles in my stomach. “Since when did you get to know Lainey?” I snap, and I’m not ashamed to admit it stems from jealousy. I didn’t know they had any kind of relationship.
Nate shakes his head, but his expression stays fairly neutral. “I barely know her, other than a few minor interactions, but that’s not the point. The point is you shouldn’t be messing with her.”
“For Luke’s sake?”
“For hers.”
My head rears back as though he just punched me in the jaw. “What does that mean?”
“Think about it, Thomas. Really think about it. Are you planning a long distance relationship? Do you love her?”
Ignoring the latter, I answer the easier question first. “I’ve been managing to fly here quite easily and—”
“I mean, while she’s away. Have you forgotten about Thailand or Bali or wherever it is she’s going?”
“No, of course not.” But I try not to think about it.
“Good,” he snaps. “Because if you really care for her, you’ll get your shit together before…” He trails off, groaning.
“Before what?”
With his teeth clenched, he stares at me as though he wants to say something but then shakes his head again, blowing out a breath. “Before she goes. Get your shit together before she goes.”
Right. “Thank you for the advice.”
Taking a wider berth than last time, I dodge Nate and head to the kitchen, opening the cabinet to grab something to drink. I’ve just found it empty when Nate growls behind me. “Are you kidding me, Kelly? This is not getting your shit together. And I moved my stash when I realized how often you were raiding it.”
“I always pay you back. You know I’m good for it.”
“It’s not about the money.”
“Then what’s it about?”
“Lainey’s going to stay!” he snaps, and I quickly check to make sure Jack’s gone. “Don’t worry about him. You have bigger issues. Lainey’s so concerned about you. About this.” He points to the open cabinet. “She’s going to stay.”
“Stay? Stay where?”
“Here. In America. For you.”
Before the last of his words are even out of his mouth, I figure out what he’s trying to say, and for the briefest of seconds everything feels right in the world. Until I realize it shouldn’t.
Fuck. A tightness works its way into my chest, squeezing my lungs so firmly I have to suck in a deep breath to get air. Lainey’s going to stay. For me. And I felt relieved.Jesus. She needs this trip more than anything, but she’s going to stay.
Before I realize what I’m doing, I open another cupboard and reach for a cheap bottle of bourbon, the one the guys keep as a last resort, needing something to settle the crippling pain in my stomach. And it’s that moment, as the liquid makes its way down my throat, that I know I’m fucked. I know I’m falling for Lainey; I’ve been falling for a while. But that doesn’t change the fact that just like the alcohol, I’m using her like a crutch. Like a Band-Aid for my problems. And what’s most important is that I think she’s using me too.
I can’t let her do that. I can’t let her stay.
Despite finding out that Luke won’t be back until the afternoon, I ask Lainey to meet me somewhere else. But after giving our situation some thought as I lay awake last night, I’m no longer convinced our secrets were ever about him. I think we were using him to hold back. To hide away from the world.
And as if providing me with proof of that, Lainey refuses my request.
LLS: You shouldn’t be driving. And I told you last night. I don’t care if Luke knows. I’m beyond caring.
An hour later, she arrives at the Ball House with a calm demeanor and a smile. But she’s not convincing anyone of her feelings. I can see straight through her facade, and I know I’m the cause of it.
“I’m sorry about last night, or rather this morning. I was a dick and—”
“It’s fine. I get it. You were trying to do the right thing; you just worded it the wrong way.”
“Even so. It was a shitty thing to say. I didn’t mean it the way I think you took it.”
“But it’s the truth, isn’t it? We haven’t defined this. You live in another state. It’s all just fucking, right? It’s not worth it. It’s not like we go out on dates.”
“We danced under the fucking stars,” I snap but instantly regret it. I’m not supposed to be making this bigger than it is. I’m supposed to be convincing her to leave. “I’m sorry. It was never just fucking to me, but Lainey…” I trail off, emotion rising in my throat until I swallow it back down. “But Lainey,” I repeat. “You were right about one thing. I’m not okay. And if I keep going down this path, I’m going to hurt you more than I already have.”
Lainey stares at me with wide eyes, and I have to fight not to reach for her.
“You haven’t hurt me, Thomas. If anything you’ve helped me. You make me forget and that’s,”—the problem. That’s…—“all I needed.”
Taking a deep breath, I step closer but keep some space between us, needing to feel her near me but knowing it will be infinitely easier to walk away if I avoid her touch. And that’s what this is. This is me, walking away.
“You make me forget too. When I’m with you, I forget the world, I forget my problems, I forget everything. But I have an addiction.” Lainey opens her mouth to speak, but I continue, cutting her off. “And before you say anything, I don’t mean the alcohol.”
“Thomas…”
“It’s you. I can’t sleep until we’ve spoken or texted. Every time we touch, a feeling of euphoria runs through me like a drug working its way through my veins. And when we’re not together, I drink. Not just a casual glass here or there—I drink until I’m out cold, passing the time in the hope that my life magically fixes itself. I didn’t see it as a problem. After all, I could go a day without drinking. I could easily choose not to take a sip and be fine. But when I look back on it, that was only possible on the days I saw you. But that changed last night. And now I have to do something to fix it.”
Lainey steps forward with her hands outstretched, but when I shake my head, she drops them. “Let me help you,” she whispers softly. “Let me stay and help you get through this. If you go to AA or—” And there it is. The first time she’s mentioned staying, and this time when I hear it, it hurts.
“I don’t want your help,” I lie.
“What?”
“You deserve better. I’m not the person you think I am, and things aren’t changing. I hurt Summer. I pushed her away, never questioning things and—”
“You’re doing the same to me. I want to help you but you won’t let me. You’re pushing me away.”
“I know. I’m conscious of it this time.” AndI have to; you’re too good to do it yourself. “Lainey, you deserve someone who will—”
“Tell me I’m beautiful? Treat me with respect? Dance with me in the rain?”
Fuck. “I can’t be with you until I sort myself out.” I can’t drag her down into this hell.
Lainey stares intently into my eyes, her gaze penetrating my soul, but I stay strong. If I ever do something decent for her, something right, it’s going to be this.
“Thomas, please,” she says after a beat. “Don’t do this. I want to stay. I want to help. Don’t be a martyr—”
“That’s not what I’m doing. This isn’t for you. I’m doing this for me. I will never be completely happy until I’ve forgiven myself. And I can’t do that until I’ve fixed what I’ve done. You need to go to Indonesia. You need this time to heal just as much as I do.”
“What if I don’t listen? What if I stay anyway?”
“I don’t want you to.” The lie slips easily from my lips, knowing she needs to hear it. I’d spend every waking minute curled up in Lainey’s arms if she stayed, but I’d never know if it was for the right reasons. “This. Us. We’re over whether you stay or not. I should have put a stop to it a long time ago. Before it got this far.”
“You what?”
“We’re not good for each other, and I’m sorry it took me so long to figure that out, but now that I have, I can’t unsee it.”
“Helping each other through our issues isn’t toxic, Thomas.”
“We’re not helping each other. We’re running. We’re hiding. We’re using each other to mask the pain. If you really stop and think about it, you’ll see that it’s true.”
Lainey opens her mouth to speak, but closes it again, and I see the moment she accepts what I’m saying.
Silence falls, and it’s only then that I realize we’re not alone. There’s loud music coming from the kitchen. Someone’s trying to drown out our conversation. I hadn’t even noticed any movement. Yet another reason why I need to do this. I’m so caught up in what’s going on inside my head when I’m with Lainey that I can’t see what’s happening outside it.
“This Year’s Love,” by David Gray begins, and I can’t help but let out an incredulous laugh as tears coat my eyes. I fucked up again. I’m running. Again. But this time I did it for her. And while I know it’s going to break us both—hell, I’m not even sure I’ll survive it—I can’t change my mind.
Lainey’s phone buzzes, and when she reaches for it, I glance down the hall, trying to see who’s home, and when I look back, Lainey has a new resolve set in her features. A hardened expression.
“So this is it?” she asks, her voice unwavering.
“I think it has to be.” Every word feels like a stab to my chest, but I hold my composure. “It’s the right thing for both of us.”
“Clean break?” she asks next, making me wince. What the fuck does that mean? “If you let me walk out this door,” she continues, “we’re having a clean break. No calling me because you need me. No texts in the middle of the night. You need to break this addiction cold turkey.”
“Cold turkey?”
“Yes. And you’re right; I need to do the same.”
My heart clenches, and I have to wonder if this is the first time being right has ever felt like the worst moment of someone’s life. My chest aches so badly, I need something to numb the pain, but I can’t have it, because my usual drug of choice is currently walking back toward the door, each step bringing me a new level of agony.
I want to ask if I can hug her, hold her one last time, but that defeats the purpose of a clean break. Only at the last second, she rushes forward and throws herself into my arms, shattering any resolve I thought I had.
“Please know that I’m doing this for both of us,” I whisper into her hair, my arms wrapped around her as I breathe her in, getting my last hit.
Lainey nods against my chest, but she doesn’t say a word, and when she steps back after what felt like the shortest moment, her blank expression is back in place.
“Goodbye, Thomas. I wish you all the best.”
Fuck. “Bye, Lainey. I’ll—” She shakes her head, cutting me off, so I silently finish my statement. I’ll miss you. More than you’ll ever know.
She walks away again, this time without looking back, and when she closes the door, I drop to the floor, sinking my head into my hands as my eyes fill with tears. That wasn’t how I wanted it to end, but I couldn’t get Nate’s words out of my mind. She can’t stay for me. It’ll slowly destroy her, and if we’re ever going to be together, we both need to be in the right headspace.
But a clean break. Fuck. That feels so absolute.
I’m not sure how long I stay like that—running through all the moments I could have changed to ensure we didn’t end up with this outcome—but it’s not until I feel a presence above me that I snap out of it, thankful to find Nate.
“You did the right thing,” he says with a nod.
Jesus. He heard all of that. “That may be true. But fuck, it feels wrong.”
“You have to think long term. You—”
The back door slams open and we both pause, silently waiting to see who rounds the corner.
Luke rushes in, throwing his keys onto the table in the hallway before kicking the bottom step and running his hands through his hair. “I’m ready to murder someone,” he seethes. “Give me a reason, any reason.” He bounces around.
Nate subtly looks my way, but I know this isn’t about me or he’d have punched me in the face instead of kicking the step, and I’m disappointed that didn’t happen. I’d deserve the pain for what I just did.
Luke groans until he notices me on the floor, then his mind shifts. “What the fuck are you doing down there?”
“Luke, he—”
I wave a hand for Nate to stop and meet Luke’s eyes, letting him see everything I’m feeling. “I just broke up with your sister,” I say, standing up to face the truth, no longer caring if he hates me for it.
“The fuck?” He clenches his fists as his eyes flash toward the front of the house.
“She’s gone,” I say with certainty considering he didn’t see her car when he drove in. “But she wanted to cancel her trip for me. To look after me because I’m fucked up over something that didn’t even happen to me. And I couldn’t let her stay. She deserves better. So I broke her heart to help heal it.”
Luke’s eyes bounce between mine as he listens, and when I’m done, he shockingly nods. “Good. About time one of you told me.”
“What?” I step closer, ready for some kind of showdown, but he sighs before patting me on the shoulder.
“I’m not happy about you keeping it a secret, but I’m glad it’s over. She can’t stay here. And more than anything, she can’t be with you. It will ruin her.”
Jesus. Even though I knew that, hearing it from someone else feels worse. But before I’ve had the chance to say anything in response or process the fact that he’s not trying to kill me, Luke smirks sadistically, making Nate and I glance at each other in concern. “You know what?” he says as he grinds his fist into his opposite hand, and I remember his words when he first walked in. I’m ready to murder someone. “This is perfect,” he continues. “How much do you care about my sister?”
“More than anyone else,” I say as a dark cloud swirls inside my head.
“Then we have something in common…and I could use the help.” My brow furrows as I wait for him to continue, but I never could have predicted what was to come out of his mouth. “Someone sent my gran a half-naked photo of Lainey in a ripped dance costume, and they’re threatening to leak it if she doesn’t back off.”
What the fuck?
Nate curses as my muscles tense, and a rage I’ve never felt before works its way into my bloodstream, completely taking over me.
Now, more than ever, I know I’ve helped Lainey. She needs to get far away from this place, and she needs to go now. But no matter how I justify it, it still breaks my heart.
“Just tell me what I have to do.” Now I want to murder someone. “But Luke, Lainey can’t know I was involved, and you need to convince her to leave as soon as possible.”
Luke’s anger stays in place, but his eyes soften ever so slightly. “Deal.”
After this, I’ll do what Lainey requested. After this, I’ll take a clean break.
But fuck, it’s going to hurt.