Chapter Forty
Lainey
Ismile proudly as Nengah and Putu reveal their flower paintings to the class. When I first started with this group ten weeks ago, the siblings wouldn’t even look me in the eyes, and now they’re laughing with me.
“Beautiful. Can you all say that? BYOO TUH FUHL.”
The children repeat it back to me, making my smile widen. “Nggih Becik,” I say, watching as their faces light up with praise.
I may be the one teaching them English, but they’re teaching me so much more than that—resilience for one—and I feel stronger in their presence.
Our makeshift bell rings, and the children cheer before running outside for a short break and some food, while I pack up the paint.
For the last eighteen months, this has been my home base. When I first signed up to volunteer, it was for a 24-week stint, but when that finished, I wasn’t ready to leave.
I was an absolute mess when I arrived, and when it came time to call home after the first month, it wasn’t my family I wanted to talk to.
It was Thomas.
Leaving things the way we did had been difficult to process, but the truth is often a hard pill to swallow, and our truths were being buried by our relationship. I refuse to believe that we were toxic. I know I threw that word around in the heat of the moment, but it shouldn’t have come up. We weren’t toxic, but it wasn’t healthy either. And the fact that Thomas saw that, and put a stop to it—before it completely blew up in our faces—says a lot about the type of man he is.
I wanted to be angry. I wanted to place the blame solely on his shoulders so I could tell myself there wasn’t anything I could have done. But that’s not fair. I was using him just as much as he was using me, and in the end, he was right. If we’d continued on that path, we may have never come back from it.
Now we might stand a chance.
At least, some small part of me believes that we will. Even if we’re not together, I’m hopeful we can at least save the friendship.
Because that was the part that hurt the most. I loved Thomas. But not being there for him as his friend was harder.
Which is probably why I failed.
We were supposed to go cold turkey—I’d been the one to suggest it—but I couldn’t leave without knowing if and when I’d ever speak to him again. So I asked for an exemption to the rule.
Lainey: I’m leaving tomorrow, earlier than planned. But I couldn’t go without getting in touch. Can we promise each other something? If either of us truly feels like we’re in a better place, like we’ve made it through the darkness and come out the other side smiling, can we let the other know? Just a simple text. One that doesn’t need a reply. In case the other isn’t ready.
Thomas didn’t reply right away, and while it hurt, I couldn’t blame him. But as I stood in line to board my flight, my phone in my hand and tears in my eyes, I got his response.
Thomas: I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had LLS. Go and find yourself, and remember… you deserve the world and everything in it… or above it.
The stars. For some reason Thomas associates me with the sky and the stars, and I’ve held on to that while I’ve been away.
At least I did, right up until the point I realized I didn’t need it anymore.
I may not have found my exact calling out here, but I’ve discovered so much about myself since arriving, that for the first time, I think I’m ready to send that text.
“Miss Lainey!” My colleague Wayan calls from outside my room, always too polite to interrupt me.
“Coming.” I smile as I make my way out to him, wondering what new experience he’s been researching today. Yesterday he told me he was determined to learn how to make s’mores; today it could be anything.
“I’m listening. What did you discover?” I ask with a laugh.
Wayan frowns in return. “Nothing today. I have call from America.”
What?“Who?”
“Your ibu.” My mom?
“Thank you, Wayan. I’ll come now.”
There’s hardly any service in the classrooms or by the buildings, but we do have an office set up nearby. Wayan runs the office and often receives calls from other volunteers’ families. But never mine. I call home when I can and they usually wait.
After I’ve washed the paint from my hands, Wayan drives me to the office and I hesitantly answer the phone, hoping Mom hasn’t hung up due to waiting too long.
“Mom?” I ask, a little on edge.
“Lainey! It’s been so long,” she gushes. It hasn’t been that long, but the sound of her voice still warms me. Our relationship seems to have benefited from my time away. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I think in my mom’s case, that’s true. She’s definitely more respectful of what I want out of life and rarely brings up dancing. “I’m sorry to have called you, but we had a family get-together to celebrate your dad’s birthday, and I missed you.”
My heart clenches but it’s not as severe as I would have suspected. I know being here is what’s best for me, even if I occasionally miss things back home.
“I miss you too, Mom. Did Dad get the present I sent?”
“He did and he loves it. It’s nice to see you two bonding again.”
“We had a bit to get through, but we’re getting there. He’s been really supportive of this adventure, and that’s helped a lot.”
“He’s proud of you. You’re out there doing the one thing he always wanted to do, but never had the chance.”
Dad and I talked a lot about his dream to travel the world and volunteer in small communities. He’s the one that gave me the idea in the first place, and I’ll forever be grateful for that.
“You sound happy, Lainey. Every time I speak to you I hear the change in your voice. I know I wasn’t sure about this trip to begin with, but it’s definitely been for the best. How long do you have left?”
“Two weeks. This one’s only twelve weeks long.”
“Two weeks! But you’re traveling after that, right? Or signing on to another project?” Her tone changes and the smile in her voice disappears. Does she want me home?
“I was planning to travel, but they’ve asked me if I’m interested in staying on—”
“You should stay on,” she cuts in. “You love it there.”
Okay…she doesn’t want me home; she wants me to stay?
“Is everything okay?” I ask cautiously, not sure I want the answer.
“Of course, why wouldn’t it be? Oh! Luke’s here. He’s trying to take the phone.”
“Mom, what—”
“Princess Peach, how are you?” Luke comes onto the line.
If Mom wasn’t hiding something, she would have scolded Luke for interrupting her call like that. She wanted to get off the phone. The question is…why?
“Why are you home?” I ask, trying not to think about it. “Did Mom call during the actual celebrations?”
“She did.” Luke chuckles and I can’t help but laugh in return.
“Poor Dad.”
“He’s fine. I think he may even be asleep on the couch.”
“Sounds like Dad.” I laugh again. “So, what’s news? Do you miss me?” I call Luke every time I call the rest of my family, but he doesn’t answer nearly as often, so we don’t talk as much.
“Never,” he jokes. “I’m getting so much more attention without you here. You should stay away longer.”
“Shut up. You’ve always had the most attention.” Luke clears his throat. “Okay, you’ve always had more than me, anyway. We both know Ryan’s the favorite right now,” I add.
Luke laughs again, but he cuts it off quickly. “Jokes aside, you are definitely better off over there. Maybe I’ll come and meet you when you travel. You’ll still be away for a while, right?”
“That’s right.”
“Good. Perfect. I can probably travel in the offseason next year if that suits you?”
Next year?Why do I feel like no one wants me home? “What’s going on?”
“What? Nothing.”
“Luke.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lainey.”
While I can practically picture him rolling his eyes as though I’m exaggerating, he called me Lainey, essentially outing himself. “Why don’t you want me to come home?”
“I don’t—”
“Luke, cut it the fuck out and tell me.”
A silence falls around me, and I quickly check to make sure I’m the only one in the office, and thankfully I am.
The silence remains for another beat before Luke groans. “Jaiton’s under a bit of fire at the moment, and it’s better if you don’t have to think about it.”
“Jesus. What happened?”
“I don’t know the details,” he mumbles and I almost laugh until a thought hits me. Why would he care about Jaiton? And why would I? Unless. Oh God.
“It’s me, isn’t it?”
“What?” His voice raises an octave.
“It’s me. I would have been graduating next semester, which means my classmates are probably preparing for their futures and—”
“They are not your ‘mates,’” Luke snaps, and it’s at that moment that I realize he knows.
“You’ve seen it, haven’t you?” I ask, trying to breathe through the panic suffocating me.
When nothing happened after I was sent the mostly naked photo from an anonymous number, I assumed that, like everything else, the photo had been an empty threat. I even spoke to Gran about it and gave her the heads-up, just to be sure. Only she didn’t need it. She’d seen the photo and was already doing everything in her power to bury it. At the time, she promised no one else had seen it.
Now, I’m not so sure that’s true.
Luke’s silent again until he curses under his breath, and that silence tells me everything. Even before he says, “Yes.”
“Oh God.” I feel nauseous.
Luke may be loose about a lot of things, but he rarely gives his phone number out. If he’s seen it, then…
“It’s public, isn’t it?” I swallow a lump in my throat as my heart stops, waiting for the answer.
“It was, but it was promptly taken down. The original owner of the image issued a statement. It wasn’t him that released it.” Him. Holy shit.
“How do you know all this?”
“Gran.” He’s quick to answer, but again, his voice wavers.
I want to ask about Thomas. I want to ask if any of his friends have seen it. If any of them have contacted him, but I can’t…and I hate that.
“So the image has gone, but…”
“It’s still being talked about. We haven’t told anyone where you are, so if you stay over there, you’re likely to avoid questions.”
Jesus.
While I’m not at all ashamed of the image or the fact that I did it—after all, I was the one that danced half-naked and put myself in the public eye—I still don’t need the controversy surrounding my family. They don’t deserve that.
“Maybe I should own it?”
“What? No, Lainey. Just stay there. It’ll soon be yesterday’s news.”
That doesn’t help the people it’s affecting now.
To think I’d been close to texting Thomas, close to telling him I was finally okay…to potentially dragging him into my problems. Again. Now is not the time for me to be stepping back into his spotlight, even if it’s only a text. Once again, I need to wait it out until it all blows over. Or at the very least until he makes the first move, until I know he’s in a better place.
It’s been close to two years, and neither of us have used our “exemption.” I’ve been holding out hope that like me, Thomas just needed a little more time.
“Okay, Luke. I trust you. And I’m sorry. I hope this doesn’t cause you any trouble.”
“Chicken Little, the sky is not falling. It’s nothing I can’t handle. I’m worried about you. Plus, don’t you know…trouble is my middle name.”
It’s another few months before the dust clears enough that I finally feel confident messaging Thomas. Luke was right. The sky wasn’t falling. It was news until it wasn’t. And as far as I could tell, the news didn’t get much further than the dance community, and that’s something I no longer want to be a part of.
After taking on some paid work in a bar in Bali, I returned for another volunteer job while I contemplated what to do next. I wanted to travel, but I wanted to see so much of the world that I didn’t know where to start.
Messaging Thomas made me feel like a new woman. It was the icing on the cake that I wasn’t even aware I was baking. A weight lifted, and suddenly, everything felt right in the world.
Lainey: When you’re ready, I’d love to talk. Thinking of you.
Now, I just had to wait for his response and then it would all fall into place. If he was ready, I could make plans for a shorter travel stint after my next project. And if he needed more time, that was okay too. I would wait.
I never considered the possibility that he wouldn’t contact me at all.
And I should have, because that’s exactly what happened. He never did.