Chapter Eighteen
Friday the thirteenth might traditionally be an unlucky day, but for Ezz it meant the first ray of light in the entire week when Thea rang.
She sounded breathless, but her voice was lighter. ‘I haven’t bled for several days. We’ve had another scan, and we still have a heartbeat, so the hospital says I can come home. We’ve got the Airbnb until Tuesday seventeenth, so that’s when we’ll drive up.’
Ezz had to blink back tears. ‘That’s the best news,’ she said thickly. ‘You sound happier.’
‘Cautiously optimistic,’ Thea confirmed, with the breath of a laugh. ‘Dev’s treating me as if I’m made of antique crystal, his mum and grandpa have bought me flowers and his nieces made me get-well cards. I’ve been told to see my GP for a sick note until after Christmas,’ she finished apologetically.
‘Very sensible,’ Ezz replied firmly, to quash any guilt. ‘Grete and Erik will only care that the baby’s OK.’
‘That’s great.’ Thea sounded relieved. ‘Valentina’s just called, so she already knows things are looking better. We were chatting about her having been around my age when she was pregnant with Barnaby. Luckily, they didn’t have any issues.’
Ezz listened for any hint of alarm in Thea’s voice, but detecting none, felt comfortable that Valentina hadn’t told Thea she knew the truth about the accident or that she and Ezz had quarrelled. At least one relationship seemed intact. She ended the call feeling glad about that, at least.
As it was Orla’s last day, Ezz had bought her chocolates and presented them to her with a hug. ‘Thanks for all your work during your time at Rothach Hall.’
‘Oh, my goodness.’ Orla smiled, though her eyes were bright with tears. ‘Mrs Larsson has already given me flowers and a card, and Gwen gave me Skye shortbread from the Nature Garden Café to remind me of home.’ She had to pause and blow her nose. ‘I feel so bad at leaving when you haven’t got an assistant manager either. But my husband’s job—’
‘You’re doing the right thing for you,’ Ezz said, with a huge smile she didn’t feel. ‘I’ll be fine.’
She waited until evening, when she was home in her cosy cottage, to call Valentina, timing her call for when Barnaby would be in bed. Attempting to thaw the frost between them, she began, ‘Great news about Thea, isn’t it?’
Valentina sounded tired. ‘Better, anyway.’ Before Ezz could try and improve on this stiff start, she went on crisply. ‘But her situation cements my decision not to come to Rothach for Christmas. Thea needs to be quiet and there are Christmas activities that Barnaby will miss out on if we’re away.’ She didn’t even mention Hogmanay celebrations, which had once been planned to be at Valentina’s, but had seemed forgotten lately.
Ezzie’s heart plummeted so hard it made her queasy. ‘Not come?’ she repeated. ‘Not even for a couple of days? You’re serious?’
‘I think it’s better.’ Valentina might have been talking to Gary about whether to switch their brand of coffee, for all the emotion in her words.
Ezz’s own voice quavered. ‘You’re punishing me? Or you don’t want to stay with me and now you can’t stay with Thea?’
‘It’s not because of you.’ But Valentina’s words lacked conviction. ‘I’ve given my reasons.’
‘Have you told Thea?’ Every word stung Ezz’s throat. ‘Did she believe you?’
Valentina answered with a vague: ‘Of course. But I asked her to leave it to me to tell you.’
‘Well. OK.’ Ezz knew she sounded as glum as Eeyore. After a silence, which Valentina made no effort to fill, Ezz said goodbye. She sat on her sofa for several minutes, gazing at the wall.
Valentina wasn’t coming for Christmas.
It seemed tough on Thea, who was at risk of being collateral damage from the sudden cracks in Ezz and Valentina’s relationship. Happily, her focus would be on her pregnancy and with luck, this would be the last Christmas morning that she and Dev would wake up alone.
It had been a beautiful wintry Skye day, clear and frosty and, as happened so often, Ezz had found little opportunity to be outside and enjoy it. Now, unable to bear the constraints of the familiar walls, she dressed warmly and strode out into the dark evening, where frost gave every twig a white glittering coat and iced-over puddles waited like traps for the unwary. The Jolly Abbot looked very jolly indeed, festooned with coloured lights, every window in the pub ablaze, but Ezz turned away, fearing the comfort she might let herself indulge in there – a large glass of wine. Or three.
First, she crossed the village to Loch View. Thistledome was dark and deserted but she had a key, so she went in to check that everywhere was clean and tidy for Thea’s return. On the kitchen table lay a note in Valentina’s handwriting. Stripped the bed and put on clean sheets. Emptied the bin. Thanks for letting us use your lovely home. See you soon. Loads of love, V Xxx
It sounded like the real Valentina: brisk but warm and loving. Nothing like the stiff, angry Valentina who was showing herself to Ezz. A sudden, fierce longing for their normal relationship grabbed her by the heart and she paused to ride the wave of pain. She checked around the house, but Valentina seemed to have left nothing for her to do, so she let herself out.
Loch View was so high up in the village that she paused to admire the moonlight on Rothach Bay, silvering the black sea in a wandering path that fanned out towards the shore. She lifted her gaze higher, to the black velvet sky spangled with an impossible number of stars, twinkling and blinking back at her like diamond dust. She remembered her whimsical idea that there was a constellation called Birth Family of which she was part. Two other stars in her constellation were now known to her – Rick and Kay, whose teenage passion had accidentally created her life – and she had names for two more, Julia and Iona. A constellation was small compared to the galaxy, the universe, and anything bigger than that, but each individual star was beautiful, shimmering down on the Isle of Skye and one lone woman feeling sorry for herself.
Finally, she roused from her reverie and crunched away down the frosty lanes to her warm but empty home.
Ezz remained on duty all weekend. The rest of the Larssons arrived late on Sunday afternoon and she was on hand to greet dark-haired Maja and blond Nils with their children Walter, Liam and Ronja. While Astrid and Alvin raced around in a fever of excitement and Mats and his parents exchanged beaming hugs with the new arrivals, Ezz unobtrusively unloaded luggage from the hire car. Mats came to help, and she thought she felt his hand brush her back. She didn’t look his way, but just drove the now empty car to the parking place behind the hall. A few minutes later, Jonas and Ebba, Emil and Filip bowled up the drive, tooting the car horn and waving through the windscreen. Ezz did the ‘greet then fade into the background’ thing again.
Astrid was loud in her excitement, and everyone chattered in Swedish, which only added to Ezz’s sense of exclusion.
The family made a laughing group, carting what luggage Ezzie hadn’t already hauled up the steps. This time, before she could move the car, Mats approached. ‘Please join us for fika ,’ he said, giving coffee and cake the Swedish name. ‘Mum asked Gwen to provide us with something yummy.’
Despite herself, her heart gave a tiny skip. ‘I don’t think—’
‘Please.’ His smile was warm and hopeful. ‘I hate us being so distant, Ezzie. I know I made a horrible mistake, but I would never hurt you intentionally.’
Involuntarily, she flinched. She’d made a much bigger mistake ten years ago. In his grey eyes she saw what she knew only too well herself: regret. And something she felt seriously short of: affection. Her smile muscles wavered into life. ‘Thank you. That would be lovely.’
‘Leave the car,’ he said. ‘Jonas or Ebba can move it.’
Half an hour in the big lounge with the oversized tree and the crackling fire turned out to be incredibly cheering, where the children gathered noisily around the table full of cakes and drink while the adults kept casual watch over them. Mats’ sister Maja buttonholed Ezz. She favoured Erik in her colouring and had gorgeous smiling eyes. ‘We’d love to see something of the island in winter. I’m sure you know lovely places to recommend.’ She spoke the same perfect English as Mats.
Ezz had met Maja only occasionally when she’d been assistant manager, but now she warmed to the other woman. ‘There are glorious places to visit like Fairy Glen or the Fairy Pools. The island’s just one enormous scenery fest with the snowy mountaintops. If you’re feeling less energetic, there are lots of nice cafés in Broadford and the capital, Portree, all sparkling with Christmas lights.’
Jonas, Maja and Mats’ brother, joined them. He too was dark, a more compact man than either his brother or his dad, with a short, easy-care haircut and a face that looked ready to crease into laughter. ‘I’ve read that there are dinosaur footprints on Skye, but have never seen them.’
‘There are,’ Ezz assured him. ‘Though I can’t explain the geological process that preserved them. They’re not far from Portree. Behind the reception desk we have a box of leaflets that other visitor attractions send us. I could get you some.’
‘If I know my dear sister Maja, she’d enjoy digging through the box herself.’ When Jonas grinned, he looked more like Mats than she’d thought. Maybe they both got the lovely smile from Grete.
Maja looked unabashed. ‘True. I’ll do that. I expect you’ve met my husband Nils before?’ She smiled as Nils arrived, with thin blond hair and an adoring expression whenever his gaze fell on his wife or children. ‘He’s a teacher for the younger children in Grundskolan, which is the school for six to fifteen years old.’
Then Jonas’ wife Ebba drifted up, brown hair gleaming like horse chestnuts. Maja explained that they’d been questioning Ezz about what they might do on Skye, prompting Ebba to declare solemnly, ‘We need to tire the children out each day, so we can have peaceful evenings.’ Her English was good, but, like Josefin’s, more accented than that of Mats and his siblings.
As Ezz chatted, she saw Josefin appear and pause to speak to one of the children – Ezz thought it was Walter – who was eating shortbread as if frightened it would be snatched away. She waited to catch Josefin’s eye and exchange smiles, but Josefin seemed to avoid her gaze. Ezz wondered whether she’d warm up if she realised that Mats had dropped her in the disaster zone with Valentina and that sat between them like a giant, immovable boulder.
Then she realised Mats was watching her from across the room. She turned hot – nothing to do with the warm gingerbread Gwen had just passed round, but because of the unguarded desire in his eyes. Their night together rushed back at her in a wave of blood-boiling lust.
Of course, then Josefin chose to look up and catch the exchange. She looked away, her expression shuttered.
On Monday, Ezz was in her office when Gwen brought in a young woman with a ponytail and rainbow-framed glasses. ‘This is my sister’s granddaughter Caitriona, who’s starting today. She has her ID for your records.’
Ezz smiled at Caitriona, who was a similar height to Gwen, slighter, but with a similar can-do air. ‘Welcome to the team. It’s only nine days until Christmas Day. You’re prepared to work where requested throughout Christmas, are you? Mr and Mrs Larsson and their family don’t require twenty-four-hour-a-day hotel service, but as well as providing occasional meals, there will be constant clearing of the kitchen, making cakes, snacks and sandwiches to stock the fridge, cleaning as required, and frequent shopping.’
Caitriona nodded enthusiastically, her ponytail dancing. ‘Aye, my great aunt explained. I don’t mind working through Christmas and Hogmanay. It’s to help me pay my way next term at uni. I’d love work during the Easter and summer holidays too, if it comes up. I’m at Abertay in Dundee, and I get casual work there but I’ve my studying to do.’
Ezz understood that though the Scottish enjoyed the unparalleled luxury of free university tuition, living costs had still to be found. ‘Then let’s get you on the seasonal workers list,’ she suggested, waving Caitriona to a chair. ‘I’m not sure about Easter yet, but we’ll certainly need help in summer.’
Not long after the formalities had been completed and Caitriona had departed in Gwen’s wake to be introduced to Grete and Erik and then shown the kitchen, Astrid, Alvin and what looked like all the Larsson children but baby Ronja burst through the white door and tumbled across reception and into Ezz’s office.
‘This is our Ezzie,’ Astrid said possessively, as if Ezz hadn’t been present at fika yesterday. Probably the children had all been so excited to see each other that another adult more or less hadn’t been noted.
Pleased by the ‘our’, Ezzie smiled round at the children, who bobbed before her desk in a sea of mini humanity. ‘Hello again, everyone. Should I start by seeing if I can remember all your names?’ As they all nodded expectantly, she began with the tallest. ‘You’re Emil, the eldest? And this is your brother, Filip.’
Filip, as dark as his father Jonas, nodded. ‘I’m eight and Emil’s ten.’
Ezz worked her way through the others. Liam was three like Alvin, and Walter was seven, a bit older than Astrid. ‘And we’ve got a baby,’ Walter said, dismissing his little sister Ronja. ‘But can you take us to see the ponies? Mormor says there are two new ones.’
‘He means Haggis and Scotch,’ Astrid said, showing off that she was in the know. ‘And he calls Farmor “Mormor” because she’s his mother’s mother.’
‘Thanks for the reminder.’ But Ezz assumed an expression of regret, as if there had been any realistic chance of her taking off with almost every child in the place without arrangement. ‘I’m afraid I have to stay here to work. Maybe Josefin will take you?’
Astrid gave an elaborate shrug, small pink palms upturned. ‘Josefin’s gone home. Farfar’s driving her to the airport.’
Shocked, Ezz stared. ‘I thought she was spending Christmas with you all.’ Then, remembering Josefin’s unsmiling countenance yesterday, she wondered whether she’d received bad news.
The white door opened again, then Mats strode over the lobby to gaze at the children severely, while they all grinned cheerfully back. ‘You’re not supposed to bother Ezz.’ Then with a smile, he supplied her with details that Astrid had omitted. ‘Josefin’s son’s travelling home to Sweden for Christmas after a bust-up with his partner, so she’s gone to share the festivities with him. We have plenty of adults around to look after kids after all. Dad drove her to Inverness early this morning. I expect he’ll be back soon.’
Ezz was surprised and a touch hurt that Josefin hadn’t so much as texted a goodbye. Though Ezzie felt for her if she had a crush on Mats, Josefin had lived with his family for some time without him showing interest, so it seemed hard if Ezz had copped the blame. Evidently, Josefin and Valentina could form a club called ‘Ezzie’s on my shitlist’.
Mats broke into her dismal thoughts. ‘Children, I’m going to take the feed down to the ponies, so let’s check it’s OK with your parents for you guys to come.’
‘Yeah!’ Five of the children spun around and raced for the white door.
But Astrid lingered, her blue eyes on Ezz. ‘Will you come too?’
‘Unfortunately,’ Ezz began, ready to reiterate her need to work.
‘Do come,’ Mats butted in. ‘It’s a nice day. We’d love your company, wouldn’t we, Astrid?’
‘Yes!’ Astrid performed a pirouette, as if that underlined how much.
Glancing out of her window at the high blue winter sky, Ezz was tempted to join in the stroll across the park, feeling sorely in need of daylight. She’d count it as an early lunch hour. And, she realised, being wanted was balm on a heart bruised by Valentina so pointedly rejecting her. What Mats had done was tactless but inadvertent. Valentina backing out of their Christmas plans had seemed uncharacteristically calculated to hurt. Ezz couldn’t remember another occasion when Valentina had been vindictive. ‘OK, thanks.’
It was twenty minutes before Mats and the children bundled back into reception in outdoor clothes. Ezz had changed into boots and needed only to grab her coat and scarf.
Outside, Alvin paused at the top of the stairs and squinted at the innocently blue sky, demanding suspiciously, ‘Will it rain stones again?’ Evidently, Ezz’s presence had reminded him of the hailstones on the beach.
She laughed, putting out a steadying hand in case he showed signs of toppling from the top step. ‘Not today. But snow’s forecast again soon.’
Mats must have been out earlier as the garden cart waited at the foot of the steps, laden with a bale of hay and a bucket of feed. He popped the two smallest children, Alvin and Liam, into the cart too. ‘Hold tight.’ He pushed the cart, keeping an eye on his human cargo, and gave the kids a beginner’s guide to pony care, probably the result of Sheena’s coaching. ‘The hay’s called forage and I’m to break it into piles, at least one more than there are animals, so they won’t fight. Same with piles of bucket feed. If snow does come, I need to at least double the forage because they won’t have grass. I’m to check their water twice a day in case it freezes, and I mustn’t groom the animals because they need their winter coats thick and oily.’
Paying scant heed, the children on foot paired up, Emil jogging along with his brother Filip and Astrid and Walter galloping like horses. The headland dropped away, revealing boats on the Sound of Sleat, the water glittering in the sharp winter light. ‘Boats, boats,’ Alvin shouted, waving as if the people on board two fishing vessels might see him and wave back. Little Liam, beside him in the cart, did the same. Ezz wasn’t sure if he spoke English as much as the others as she hadn’t heard him say much of anything. He seemed content just to gambol along with his brother and cousins.
It was a beautiful walk down the drive and over the bridge and then the grass to the paddock. Mats said, ‘I rode as a child, but Maja was best. Jonas and I liked ice hockey in winter or br?nnboll in summer. That’s a bit like rounders.’
She liked hearing about his youth. ‘Were you fast? You look like a runner.’
The look he sent her made her think he appreciated her noticing. ‘Yes, I played left wing in ice hockey. Anyone playing for the offence has to be quick.’
Rather than list her own childhood pursuits, Ezz said, ‘I was surprised to hear that Josefin’s gone.’
‘It was a bit sudden.’ He shrugged. ‘But I can understand her getting homesick for Sweden once she knew her son would be there.’
Walter galloped back to them, Astrid panting beside him as if galloping was a bit much but she wanted to keep up with her cousin. ‘Is Haggis the biggest pony? Or Scotch?’
Ezz couldn’t really tell, so she hazarded, ‘Mary might be bigger than either if she didn’t sag in the middle.’
Astrid giggled.
‘Filip, Emil, slow down, please,’ Mats called to the two eldest boys forging ahead. ‘Don’t frighten the animals.’ Mary and Clive, as was their custom, hung over the gate to watch them arrive. Or, more likely, watch the arrival of a cartful of food.
Mats’ attention was on the safety of the children. ‘Please stay outside the gate while I put out the hay and the buckets. You could easily get knocked over by a pony eager for lunch. You four older children can sit on the gate, and Alvin and Liam stand up in the cart, so you can all see.’
The children arranged themselves exactly as asked except Walter. It took Ezz all her time to dissuade him from jumping down and following Mats around the field. ‘Don’t you ever sit still?’ she asked, holding on to the back of his coat.
He gave it some thought before answering with a solemn, ‘No.’
Emil grinned at Ezz. He was as dark as his parents Jonas and Ebba. ‘His dad, Uncle Nils, says Walter has no fear. He dislocated his shoulder trying to fly downstairs, and he broke his ankle when he jumped into the paddling pool from a tree.’
‘I think your Uncle Nils is right,’ she commented, wondering how the quiet, serious Nils had ended up with such a madcap son.
Once the animals had their heads down eating, Mats told the children they could come in, but not run around or get near any hind legs. ‘Particularly Clive Donkey, because he has his ears back, which is threatening.’ That was the signal for Walter to run directly at Clive, but Mats was ready for him and swooped him up and posted him back over the gate. ‘Stay there until you calm down,’ he said easily.
Walter gazed angelically up at him. ‘I’m calm now.’ Ezz had to smother a snort of laughter. Walter was obviously an imp, but so funny and loveable. She caught herself wondering whether Thea’s baby would be a boy or a girl, but then it felt like a jinx, so she just wished for it to be healthy.
After a few minutes she checked her watch. Mats was holding Alvin and Liam a cautious distance from Scotch, who was waffling his nose in their direction as if wondering if they had more food. She called to him, ‘I need to get back now.’
He looked disappointed, but she just called her goodbyes, remembering all the children’s names. Walter shouted after her, ‘You could ride one of these horses home.’
‘Maybe another time.’ As if she’d mess up her suit and overcoat on the back of a disreputably shaggy pony.
She hurried back to the hall with the wind trying to unwind her scarf and steal it. When she gained the calm of the reception area, she found a pile of envelopes and a small parcel on the desk. The post van must have visited while she was out. Carrying the stack into her office, she hung up her coat and changed back into shoes before sorting through it. The junk mail went straight in the shredder. The small parcel proved to be a lightbulb that Gwen had ordered for the large kitchen oven. An invoice came from a company that evidently hadn’t embraced the age of email, and the last was a long cream handwritten envelope addressed to Ms Esmerelda Wynter c/o Rothach Hall, Rothach, Isle of Skye – private and personal.
Frowning, she opened the envelope and smoothed the two sheets of writing paper inside.
Dear Esmerelda,
Mum and Dad say you’re known as Ezz or Ezzie. We don’t feel we can use your short names when we don’t know you but we’re your birth sisters and we want to say hello. We don’t have your email and didn’t want to use the contact form on the website of Rothach Hall, hence this letter.
The bones seemed to vanish from Ezz’s legs and she sank into her seat.
We are Julia Colville and Iona Berio née Colville. Our parents have very recently told us about the baby they made before we were born.
So, they really hadn’t known till now!
It’s so odd to think of them having a teenaged pregnancy (but not so odd hearing that Nan was NOT sympathetic) and we all cried when they told us. We would say ‘even Dad’, but actually Dad cries at anything. He wells up at people winning races or dogs needing forever homes. You might expect Mum to be the soft one, as she’s so small and quiet, but she’s also a coper.
We don’t know what to think about having a new sister. What do you think about having two?? We understand that it didn’t go well when you met Mum and Dad – or met Mum again, and Dad for the first time. That’s a shame because they’re lovely people, and obviously, there’s stuff you don’t know.
Ezz wondered what that ‘stuff’ might be, and glanced at the back of the letter as if someone might have written a clue there, before reading on.
It’s understandable that you were upset but we don’t want you to think that no one wants to hear from you, because that’s not true. Regardless of what happens with Mum and Dad, we – Julia and Iona – would like to get to know you in some way, so we can decide whether we like each other based on reality rather than on assumptions.
Ezz paused to read this twice, realising it was a conclusion she might have reached herself … if she hadn’t gone off like an emotional firecracker.
So, I’m Julia. I’m 39. I’m a therapist, but the kind who gives facials rather than the kind that counsels people who need help. I’m not tall and willowy, as Mum and Dad say you are. My doctor told me snarkily that I’m ‘below average height but above average weight’, but my partner, Hamal, says I’m curvy, which is a nicer way of putting it. My daughter Edina is four, and we’re looking at schools for September. Do you have children? Mum and Dad said they didn’t think so, but they don’t think they actually asked. They were pretty scared when they met you.
Ezz stopped again. She hadn’t thought of Kay and Rick being scared. They’d just seemed tense.
The handwriting changed, becoming less loopy but more sprawling.
Hi, this is Iona here. I’m 37 and I teach art at a senior school. Everyone says I’m like Julia to look at, so I won’t repeat her description, but they also say I’m different in temperament. I don’t know about that. We like a lot of the same things, like art shows, Green Day and chocolate, but I suppose she’s quieter. Honestly, if you want to get anywhere with a class of thirty fifteen-year-olds, being quiet’s not really the way. I’m married to Vido. His grandparents were Italian, which is how he got the cool name.
We’ll put our contact details at the end. We don’t want to pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to, but it would be great to be in contact. Great for us, anyway – we’re not trying to make up your mind. It just seems wrong not to know you at all. If you feel like sending a message or a letter or anything, please, please do.
Warmest wishes,
Julia
Iona
Email addresses, street addresses and phone numbers followed each of the names.
Ezz read the letter again. And then again, trying to make it feel real.
Her birth sisters had written to her.
They wanted her to reply.
With no idea for how long she sat staring at the cream paper and blue ink, she jumped when the front door clunked open, and Walter pelted into reception. ‘ Hall? ,’ he called breathlessly to Ezz, then seized the knob of the white door in both hands and twisted it open, vanishing inside. Filip, Emil and Astrid followed hard on his heels. After a few seconds, Mats appeared with Alvin and Liam. Mats glanced into her office, and when he saw her, he frowned. He vanished through the door, and she heard him calling to someone. In less than half a minute he was back in her office, minus coat and hat.
‘What’s up?’ he murmured, rounding the desk. ‘You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.’
Wordlessly, she showed him the letter that trembled in her hand.
He scanned it quickly, crouching beside her chair. ‘Wow.’ He looked at her. ‘Another surprise. How do you feel?’
Before Ezz could attempt to describe the tangle of wonder, astonishment, fear and trepidation inside her, the white door opened and Erik’s voice boomed, ‘Mats?’ and then something in Swedish.
Flustered, Ezz scooted her chair away from Mats.
Mats accepted the rejection, though his muttered, ‘We’ve done nothing to be ashamed of,’ was sharp. Then he raised his voice. ‘ Ja , Pappa.’ And he gave the letter back to her and strolled out of her office, then back into the family area, contriving to carry Erik along with him as they chatted in Swedish.
Ezz was grateful to be left alone and not obliged to explain her state of shock to big, buff Erik. For the remainder of the afternoon, her mind returned not just to the letter from Julia and Iona, but to Mats’ comment that they’d done nothing to be ashamed of.
Did that mean he wouldn’t have minded his dad discovering him so close to Ezz? Her mind buzzed as she tried to get to grips with professional boundaries versus personal, but all she concluded was that everything in her life was changing and nothing was certain.
That evening, Mats turned up at Ezz’s cottage in Chapel Road, allowing her no opportunity to tell him not to come by messaging or phoning first. When she opened the door and saw him, shoulders hunched against the near-arctic wind searing off the sea, her expression lightened, but she hesitated. He jigged on the spot. ‘It’s cold,’ he pointed out politely.
A smile ghosted across her fine lips. ‘Then you’d better come inside.’
He was happy to be shown into her small lounge, where the woodstove roared, orange flames licking at the glass door. Somehow it seemed a good omen when he noticed that the stove was a Swedish make. Less so when he noticed her Christmas lights were unlit. He discarded his coat and, after waiting for her to choose her sofa to sit on, he joined her on it.
‘How are you?’ He angled himself towards her. She was dressed in plum-coloured cord leggings and a thick, cream, oversized sweater. He thought he liked her better in the soft lounge wear than even in her sexy black work suits.
‘Fine.’ Her smile was perfunctory.
But he hadn’t come out into the cold to be fobbed off like an acquaintance, when nine nights ago she’d shared her body with him in one of the rooms above their heads. ‘Are you still angry with me?’
She touched her temple, as if it ached, and closed her eyes. ‘Don’t start apologising again.’ It wasn’t forgiveness, but it felt like a step in that direction.
He softened his voice. ‘Not if you don’t want me to. But is Valentina still angry?’
Her eyes remained closed, allowing him to admire the smoothness of her pale skin, and the twin fans of eyelashes resting on her satin cheeks. Her bottom lip quivered. ‘She’s not coming for Christmas. She says it’s because Thea needs a quiet time and because Barnaby has a hectic social calendar, and that she’s not punishing me. But …’ She lifted her palm in a plain gesture of disbelief.
Morosely, he said, ‘I’m a moron not to have even allowed for the possibility that she didn’t know.’
‘Yeah,’ she agreed, but without heat.
Slowly, giving her ample time to fend him off, he slid along the cushions until he could slip an arm around her. For a moment she stiffened … then she relaxed against him. ‘I’m not going to answer the letter I showed you right away. It makes sense to me to let it settle for a day or two, but I think I will write back.’
This small confidence sent a flush of pleasure through him. Valentina and Thea were her usual confidantes, and though he knew that one was royally pissed off with her and the other absorbed in protecting the nascent life she carried, he still felt privileged that she’d volunteer something so meaningful, so delicately personal. Feeling his way, he said, ‘I thought the letter heart-warming. A straightforward reaching out.’
She looked at him from the corner of her eye. ‘It was,’ she agreed. ‘But I still feel all at sea.’
He shared both parents with his siblings, but he tried to jump into her shoes and examine how he’d feel if more brothers and sisters turned up. ‘Would interacting with Julia and Iona make you feel disloyal to Valentina and Thea?’
‘Maybe.’ Her troubled gaze settled on the woodstove, as if her future could be read in the dancing flames. ‘When Thea found her birth family it was just her mother, Ynez, who has only a partner, Jean-Jacques. No siblings.’ Her hand rose to her head. ‘And though I told Thea I wouldn’t mind if she had half-brothers or sisters, actually I was glad that Ynez hadn’t had more children, as if Thea wouldn’t have enough love for me if she had siblings who shared her blood.’
He frowned as he mulled this over. ‘But Thea has Ynez, and her partner Dev, and now she’s having a baby. Does any of that mean she won’t have enough love for you?’
Her shoulders relaxed a shade, and she managed a faint smile. ‘No,’ she admitted. And then, as if to turn the tables by bringing up something equally personal about him, she asked, ‘This might seem an odd time to raise this, but I’m bothered about Josefin. Do you realise she has a crush on you?’
It was an unpleasant jolt. ‘Not a crush,’ he objected immediately, reviewing Josefin through this new prism and not liking the picture. Then he remembered the day at the Nature Garden Café and honesty made him add, ‘Once or twice, outsiders have taken us as a couple because we were with the children and I did think she liked that. But the liking was all on her side.’
‘That must make her sad.’ She settled herself more comfortably against him. ‘She talked about you a lot when she was out with me. And recently, I felt …’ She dipped her head and fiddled with the hem of her top. ‘I’m pretty sure she detected something between us and was sulking. Then she went home without even saying bye to me.’
‘Oh.’ He was dismayed. ‘She could feel that way, I suppose, and I only have her word for it that she wanted to leave because her son was unexpectedly in Sweden. When she asked if she could take some of her leave, I said of course. All my family had arrived, and it was natural that she’d want to be with her son.’ Then, spotting an opportunity, he mused, ‘Of course, Josefin’s employed by me , not my parents. Whereas you are employed by my parents and not me, so there was no need for you to shove me away like a muddy dog when Dad came looking for me today.’
A pink blush crept up her cheeks. ‘I didn’t shove you, I just moved. I was at work. It would have been the same with any man.’
He shrugged, as if unconvinced. ‘OK. I won’t take it personally. And my parents, my brother and my sister have all asked me whether we’re seeing each other, and I sort of said yes, hoping that we were. Word’s obviously been getting around. They all wanted to talk to you when you came for fika .’
She rose vertically and landed facing him, her face a mask of horrified astonishment. ‘You “sort of said yes”? Is this your impetuosity again? I work for your parents, Mats. That’s … that’s …’
‘Honest?’ he supplied helpfully.
‘Outrageous,’ she corrected him. But then, as if unable to resist: ‘How did everyone react?’
He grinned. ‘Just, “Oh, OK.” And, “Seems nice”. Dad said, “She is very pretty”, in an “I’m not surprised” kind of voice.’ He sobered, running his fingertips over her cheek. ‘Mum pointed out that we live in different countries, but she was reminding me, rather than being against you.’
Slowly, she subsided, taking up her place within the circle of his arm again. ‘She’s right.’
‘Yeah.’ He sighed.
After a moment, she asked, ‘Was that why you said we shouldn’t be ashamed? That there’s something between us and it’s OK that we spent the night together?’
‘Exactly.’ He felt a lift in his sensitive areas at this reference to the most amazing lovemaking of his life. ‘And …’ He paused, not sure whether to voice his thoughts.
‘And … ?’ she prompted, treating him to her blue-eyed stare.
He decided to go for it. ‘And you shouldn’t feel new shame about the accident because of Valentina’s reaction, Ezz. What you did was against the law, but you acted in the heat of the moment. Did you ask Thea to stand in for you?’ He was stroking her hair rhythmically now, enjoying the silk beneath his fingers.
‘No,’ she admitted. ‘But I shouldn’t have let her.’
‘No,’ he conceded, though the potential for this beautiful, vibrant woman to be locked in a cell made him queasy. ‘But no one has ever laid blame on the car driver, and there’s no proof that you had too much alcohol in your blood from the night before.’ He transferred the attention of his stroking hand to her collarbone. He could just extend his caress far enough to touch the skin of her neck. ‘Is Valentina always so judgy? You and Thea are so warm and friendly.’
‘No, not normally,’ She sighed. ‘I’m shocked at how hard and horrible she’s being. She must be really hurt.’
Haunted by the grief in her voice, he snuggled her closer.
Though he stayed till well past midnight, they didn’t make love, but cuddled on her squashy sofa watching a movie and drinking coffee. Mats loved it. Just holding her, warm and soft, was a delight. It felt as if he’d been forgiven, and he thought perhaps she found some peace in his arms.
Later, when he was preparing to leave, he said, ‘Will you come with us to Portree again tomorrow? Astrid wants to show everyone the Christmas lights, eat millionaire shortbread and drink hot chocolate.’
‘I don’t know—’ she started.
He kissed the tip of her nose. ‘Everyone’s hoping you will, and nobody will think you should be at your desk. Consider yourself our local guide.’
A smile grew in her eyes. ‘Then, yes. Thank you.’
He drove home feeling as if he’d just won a particularly finely balanced lottery.