Chapter Twenty
By the time Mats had yanked open the door, Inger was striding along the downstairs hall calling loudly, ‘Astrid? Alvin? Mamma’s here. Isn’t this a lovely surprise? I’ve driven for three days , just to see you.’
There was the barest moment’s silence before two small bodies shot into the hall from the kitchen, squealing, ‘Mamma!’
Mats halted, watching Astrid fly up the hall, her eyes full of love and joy. Alvin was only a second behind, expression urgent as he raced towards Inger, who dropped to her knees to receive her babies. Two pairs of arms curled fiercely around her neck while their high-pitched voices filled the air, with happy Swedish.
‘We’ve got new ponies!’
‘Walter and Liam, Filip and Emil are here. And Ronja.’
We’re having fika on Sunday for advent.’
‘Are you here for Christmas?’
Inger, to Mats’ silent fury, answered the last question first. ‘Of course, I’m here for Christmas. Someone’s bringing in my cases, then you can help me unpack.’
Astrid yelled, ‘Yay!’ and capered on the spot, blonde hair jiggling.
Mats would have liked to shake Inger. By promising the children her presence over the festivities, she’d left him powerless. Other members of his family began emerging from the kitchen and lounge. Grete and Erik’s wide-eyed gazes darted between Mats and Inger. Jonas gaped at Mats with a distinct What the hell? in his eyes. Maja said, ‘This is a surprise,’ but without noticeable pleasure. Nils, Maja’s quiet husband, stared at Inger with raised eyebrows. Ebba, Jonas’s pretty wife, gazed at Inger unsmilingly.
Walter stuck his head into the hall, called back to whoever remained in the kitchen, ‘It’s only Auntie Inger,’ and vanished again.
Inger rose and stared around defiantly, apparently not deeming it necessary to offer, Sorry to drop myself on you, or I hope this is OK, despite her clear lack of welcome from anyone but her children. Astrid began to look worried at the silence, and Alvin bewildered.
Gathering his wits, Mats said calmly, ‘Well, at least Mamma can have dinner with us before she and I have a talk. Why don’t you take her to set another place at the table, Astrid?’
Inger didn’t endear herself when, though she let Astrid tug her along, as she reached the doorway she exclaimed, ‘Ugh. Are we eating in the kitchen ?’
Mats had to lean against the wall while his blood stopped roaring in his ears. He didn’t think he’d ever been so furious, not even when Inger had first told him that she was having an affair with Andreas and wanted out of their marriage.
‘This is a shock,’ said Grete grimly.
Erik’s opinion was blunter. ‘It’s bullshit.’ He jutted his jaw.
Maja took Mats’ hand. ‘You look winded. She’s just turned up without warning?’
Mats swallowed, nodding. ‘She borrowed a car and drove all the way from Monte Carlo.’ Even to his own ears his voice sounded shaky, as if he’d just been given terrible news. Well, yes. Inger being here was definitely not good news for him.
Jonas muttered, ‘Bitch.’
Although Mats knew he should follow Inger to witness what else she might be telling the children, he was desperate to find Ezz. Her shock and resentment at Inger speaking to her like a dogsbody hung before his eyes. He hoped she didn’t think he’d known that Inger was about to descend on them.
‘I need a minute.’ He turned on his heel and hurried to the door to the lobby. When he yanked it open, however, he was confronted by Inger’s car keys along with her suitcases, and saw the light was out in Ezz’s office. Might he catch her in the car park? He debated, but then realised it was unlikely. As a stopgap measure, he texted her. I had no idea Inger was on her way. Apologies for her appalling behaviour. He didn’t say ‘for treating you like staff’ as that would only resurrect the discussion about Ezz being staff and him being family. ‘Us and them’ discussions rarely resulted in a smoothing of tensions.
He snapped the door shut on the suitcases and strode to the kitchen, where his family was congregating for an early dinner. His adrenaline level was so high that he had to jam his hands into his pockets to hide their shaking. He found Grete and Erik carrying dishes to the table. Gwen and Caitriona had vanished, so presumably his parents had requested privacy. Baby Ronja banged her spoon on her highchair and Maja spoke to her softly while Nils settled Liam, while calling, ‘Don’t stand on your chair, please, Walter.’
The only adult smiling was Inger, stroking first Astrid’s head and then Alvin’s while she chatted gaily with Emil and Filip about what they’d done for Lucia Day at school last Friday, pausing to listen as Astrid chimed in. ‘We didn’t have Lucia this year, because they don’t have it in Scotland.’ If there was an Oscar for playing the doting mother, Inger would be presented with the golden statuette without delay.
As the showdown Mats planned would have to wait, he sat at the table. He took little food, as unless Gwen had a crystal ball, she wouldn’t have catered for him or Inger. The roast chicken and potatoes tasted like ashes in his mouth anyway. He’d meant to eat with Ezz, Thea and Dev this evening. Ezz hadn’t replied to his message. He wasn’t surprised.
Dinner seemed endless. Afterwards, Inger promised Alvin and Astrid, ‘You can stay up tonight, as we haven’t seen each other for so long.’ The children didn’t even look at Mats for agreement but towed their mother upstairs to see their room and the playroom, with Filip, Emil, Walter and Liam pouring after them while baby Ronja crawled after a brightly coloured ball on the floor at Nils’ feet.
The kitchen rang with silence until Erik rumbled, ‘This is difficult.’
Mats was still too angry to speak calmly. ‘She’s cornered me! How can I tell the kids that she can’t stay for Christmas, now?’
‘You can’t.’ Grete shook her head, while Maja, Nils, Jonas and Ebba murmured in agreement.
Jonas frowned anxiously. ‘Mats, what about Ezz?’
His gut felt as if someone was tightening his belt. ‘That’s difficult too. Inger ordered her around like a lackey.’
The silence grew. Finally, Grete changed seats, so she was sitting beside him, sliding an arm around his shoulders. ‘It was going to finish sooner or later,’ she said kindly. ‘Because Ezz lives here. You have Swedish children with a Swedish mother. You love your children too much to relocate to a Scottish island that takes so long to reach from Sweden.’
‘I know.’ But his throat was tight with something that felt like despair.
‘What a bitch Inger is,’ Maja said sadly. Nobody disagreed, not even Nils, who could usually find something nice to say about anyone.
It was after nine when Astrid and Alvin were finally in bed and Mats could usher Inger from their room and into the corridor. Pulling away, she danced along to the turret room, took two steps inside and gazed around in exaggerated dismay. ‘Oh. No one’s brought my cases up.’ She smiled expectantly.
He ignored her little pantomime. ‘What the fuck are you doing here?’ he demanded in a hiss designed not to be overheard. ‘What happened to your superyacht Christmas? Where’s Andreas? How dare you just turn up and tell the children that you’ve come for Christmas ?’
Inger lifted her chin. ‘I told you. I had a major disagreement with Andreas.’
‘So major that you had to leave the yacht?’ He glared into her rebellious hazel eyes.
‘Precisely,’ she drawled, as if glad he’d finally caught on. ‘So major that I gave him back his ring.’ She waggled her naked finger, where once had nestled a rock of a diamond. ‘Also, when I said you could have the children this year, I underestimated how much I’d miss them.’ She blinked sorrowfully.
‘I don’t doubt your love for Astrid and Alvin,’ he ground out. ‘But it comes at convenient times, depending on whether they interfere with your pleasure – like when you wanted to go on a cruise.’
Tremulously, she murmured, ‘That was a mistake.’
He stormed on in an angry whisper. ‘Now you’ve argued with Andreas, you barge into Rothach as if you were still part of the family.’
Her jaw dropped. ‘But … I’m the mother of your children. How can I not be part of the family?’
He glared into her face. ‘By divorcing me.’
Her bottom lip began to tremble. ‘That may have been a mistake too.’
‘Balls,’ he spat, and flung away from her. ‘You don’t want me back, and I don’t want you back.’
Inger’s lips rounded into an O of surprise.
He drew in a long, shaky breath. ‘You’d better stay in Josefin’s room. She’s gone home, so it’s been cleaned and made up.’
He manoeuvred around her to open the door before she could suggest that he give up the turret room, with the expensive, flamboyant fabrics and wallpaper she’d chosen.
‘I know Josefin’s gone home,’ she said, not making the least effort to leave the room they used to share. ‘She told me she was going. Just as she told me about your girlfriend.’
Fresh fury burned through him, but he managed to wipe it from his face before he turned back to her. ‘Good,’ he said, with false affability. ‘Then there can be no misunderstanding. And as you plainly know who she is, if you talk to her again the way you talked to her tonight, I shall look for every opportunity to humiliate you in return.’
Her gaze slid away. ‘I have every right to monitor women you involve my children with—’
‘Bullshit,’ he cut in ruthlessly. ‘At least, yes, you do, but only what’s reasonable. Ezz has only ever been pleasant and friendly, and given the kids attention.’
Her nostrils flared. ‘Josefin made it sound as if they can’t get enough of her.’
He paused, hearing a note of jealousy in Inger’s voice. ‘Ah. That’s it. It’s not me you don’t want her to be fond of. It’s Astrid and Alvin. Well, I can see why that made you realise that you left them for too long.’ Then he bustled Inger along the corridor, before opening the door to Josefin’s room. ‘At this moment, I don’t like you much. And I’m not pleased with Josefin either, so next time the two of you have a cosy little chat, be sure to tell her so.’
Dimly, he was aware of Inger staring at him in shocked dismay. Feeling he’d said more than enough, he muttered, ‘I’ll get your suitcases.’
He brought them up but left them outside her closed door. He didn’t think he’d ever been so angry and disappointed in his life. It seethed inside him like black bile.
Everything Grete had said earlier about him having to part from Ezz soon had been true, but it was only now that their short time together was in danger of fizzling out that he realised how much he wished things could be different.
* * *
At dinner, Ezz was aware of Thea and Dev exchanging looks and knew herself to be abnormally subdued and abstracted. She picked at her food. Her tiny table wasn’t meant for three, especially when one was Deveron’s size, so she’d brought her patio set indoors and set it up in the lounge and set the fairy lights twinkling. Now she could see the sofa and kept remembering Monday evening curled up there with Mats, his body warm against hers as he stroked her hair.
When Thea dropped her cutlery and blurted, ‘Ezz, is it Christmas?’ it startled her from her despondency. Daisy, who’d been dozing before the fire, jumped up and glared around the room.
Ezz blinked. ‘It’s six more days to Christmas,’ she answered uncertainly.
But Thea’s brown eyes were anxious. ‘I meant, are you upset because Valentina won’t come for Christmas as I need a quiet time?’
Dev looked apologetic too, though he slipped an arm about Thea. ‘We’re sorry if it means a boring Christmas for you. We’re probably being overcautious, but if Thea doesn’t rest, and then something happens …’
Guilt flooded Ezzie, as she was the one who’d made Valentina change her plans and then use Thea needing rest as a convenient excuse. ‘I’m not upset. I’ve been to the post office in Armadale to send the gifts for Valentina and family.’ Not letting it show on her face how it had hurt to wrap games for Barnaby and clothes for Valentina and Gary in shiny paper, knowing she wouldn’t see them opened, she patted Thea’s arm, and then because Dev’s hand was on Thea’s shoulder, patted that too. ‘The baby’s much more important than Christmas. And you know I have loads to do with the Larsson family in situ.’
Thea regarded her beadily. ‘So, why are you so quiet? It’s as if something terrible has happened.’
A vision rose of Inger the Entitled wafting around giving Ezz orders, and she suppressed a shudder. Balling up her napkin, she let out a groan. ‘Mats’ ex-wife turned up today and I’m pretty sure that ends things between Mats and me. And I feel so bloody uncomfortable under her supercilious nose. I was just wondering whether to put up with her bossing me about or to have pretend-flu until she’s gone.’ She pictured herself taking to her bed for a couple of weeks with a stack of Christmas reads. Quite appealing, actually …
Thea sat up straight, eyes wide. ‘There are “things” between Mats and you?’ She wagged her eyebrows. ‘ Thing -type things?’
Belatedly, Ezz remembered that Thea had been away. She settled her chin glumly on her fist. ‘Yes, those things. A winter romance until he goes back to Sweden.’
‘Ooh.’ Thea contemplated her sister with twinkling eyes. ‘Wow. You have been busy.’ A frown replaced her smile. ‘But if he’s divorced, his ex-wife being around should count for nothing.’
Ezz shrugged. ‘Of course he’s divorced, but he’ll do what’s best for the children. He’s made that clear. Do you remember being a small child? How would you have coped with both your parents in the same house, and a girlfriend around, too? He won’t want it and neither do I.’
Seeing Thea was about to argue, she changed direction. ‘Anyway, I’ve something more important to discuss. I didn’t want to say anything till you were safely home, and I could see with my own eyes that you were OK.’
Thea’s hand went to cover Dev’s. ‘What?’ she asked apprehensively.
‘It’s nothing awful,’ Ezz hastened to assure her, thinking that at some time Thea would have to learn that Valentina was now in possession of the truth about the accident, and was scarcely talking to Ezz. But not while Thea’s pregnancy was vulnerable. Ezz didn’t want Thea to get even a hint of that upset. ‘I had a letter from my birth sisters. I thought … can I show it to you?’
Thea breathed, ‘Oh, blimey, yes,’ managing to look relieved, apprehensive and agog, all at once. ‘Do they seem OK? Do they want to meet you?’ Then, expectantly, ‘What does Valentina think?’
Ezz hurried into the hall where she’d left her bag so Thea couldn’t see her face. ‘I haven’t talked to Valentina. I only received it a few days ago.’ She returned with the cream-coloured envelope and handed it over.
Thea took out the sheets of paper and she and Dev pored over them, their heads close together and arms touching. The written word didn’t come easily to Thea, and she frowned as she read. Finally, she lifted apprehensive eyes. ‘This reminds me of when I first saw a photo of Ynez. You have the evidence of your birth family right there, but it feels unreal. You know your adoptive family is your real family, but still doubts and questions float into your mind.’ Thea slipped her arms around Ezz. ‘It’s OK to have a birth family, Ezz. I know my birth mother, Ynez, is a bit of a character, but I’ve enjoyed connecting with her. It’s kind of poignant that Julia and Iona say your birth parents were scared. It humanises them, doesn’t it?’
Ezz nodded, fighting a lump in her throat at the sympathy in Thea’s voice. Shrugging as best she could in the middle of her sister’s bear hug, she admitted, ‘Maybe.’
Thea sat back. ‘Let’s FaceTime Valentina. I’ll bet she says the same.’ She beamed at the prospect, because that’s what the three sisters were used to doing – talking things out, even when they were geographically distant.
Ezz cast about for an excuse. Facing Valentina even on screen filled her with dismay, which made her feel sad, but also awoke her anger that Valentina hadn’t made the least attempt to understand why Ezz and Thea had kept their secret from her. ‘You’re tired,’ she prevaricated. ‘And to be honest, tonight I just need to process what’s going on with Mats and feel sorry for myself.’
Thea looked sympathetic, but then smothered a yawn. ‘OK. I suppose you’re right. My appointment with the midwife is at nine a.m. so I can’t lie in. Just—’ she hugged Ezz again ‘—I’m sure Valentina will agree you shouldn’t hold back because of us.’
Dev helped Ezz carry the patio table back outside, their breath hanging in clouds in the wintry air, then he and Thea got their coats and clipped Daisy’s lead to her tartan collar. Ezz hugged them goodbye, so glad for them that they still had a happy event to look forward to.
After they’d gone, it didn’t take her long to clear the dishes. Then she settled on the sofa. She’d been ignoring Mats’ messages, but now she read them all. I had no idea … Inger’s appalling behaviour … I need to talk to you … And, just a few minutes ago: I know it’s getting late, but can I call you?
Closing her eyes, she tried to get a sense of what she should do. Surely it would be better to accept the end had come early for her and Mats and be philosophical about it … ? But somehow, her eyes opened, and she found herself typing, OK.
Immediately, her phone rang. Contrarily, she felt like declining the call, in case he confirmed her own thoughts that it was better to call a halt. Licking her lips, she answered. ‘Hi.’ It came out as a croak, and she hoped he didn’t think she’d been crying.
‘Ezzie.’ His voice was a caress. ‘I’m so sorry Inger turned up. She says she’s quarrelled with Andreas and misses her children more than she anticipated. I had to stay home tonight to manage the situation. I’m sorry I let you down.’ He paused, and she pictured him raking his fingers through his hair. ‘I’m afraid … look, I might as well be up front.’
‘OK.’ She braced herself.
But his words weren’t about accepting a premature end to their winter romance at all. Instead, he said, ‘Josefin’s been feeding Inger information, so Inger knew I was seeing you, and that the children like you. I think that last bit’s alarmed her.’
‘Oh.’ Ezz took a moment to process this unexpected information. ‘I understand how Inger might feel uncomfortable.’ Especially in view of Ezz being a member of staff, with no blue blood or gold-plating or whatever Inger valued.
Mats snorted. ‘She’s outrageous. I’ve had to put up with Andreas, and she has to put up with me seeing someone. But I’m sorry if it hurts your feelings that Josefin’s been so underhand when you were friendly. I’ve emailed her a warning about discretion. I think she knew what she’d set off by running to Inger with tales, so returned to Sweden to be out of the way.’
Ezz sighed. ‘I’d already realised that Josefin’s not feeling friendly towards me. It’s sad, but she changed as soon as she realised we were seeing each other.’ Before he could speak again, Ezz went on gently. ‘Inger’s a different prospect, though. I can’t disregard the beady eyes of your ex-wife – especially if she’s going to continue to put me in my place. I don’t want bad feeling.’ She swallowed and realised that she was going to have to be the one to say it. ‘You’re going home in the New Year, anyway.’
For several seconds, Mats was silent. Then, despondently, unconvincingly, he said, ‘I’m divorced. I’ve left Inger in no doubt that her behaviour was inappropriate.’
Though sad for the frustration in his voice, she headed him off. ‘You can’t let Christmas be ruined by quarrels and an atmosphere. It’s not fair on your family. They’ve travelled all this way to relax and have fun. Their Scottish Christmas, remember?’
‘It doesn’t have to affect them,’ he retorted mulishly, if without conviction.
Wearily, she swivelled around to lie along the sofa, her head on the arm. ‘Well … what are you doing tomorrow?’
‘I don’t know. Does it matter?’ He sounded exasperated.
‘Yes. Because if it’s a day out, you’ll be in a tricky situation,’ she explained softly. ‘You can’t invite both Inger and me because the atmosphere would be terrible. You can’t leave her at Rothach alone, because that’s mean. And neither can you stay at the hall with me, leaving your family with her.’ Just in time, she avoided saying ‘stuck with her’. She made her voice softer still. ‘And if everybody stays at the hall … a repetition of the way she treated me today would be unacceptable.’
He didn’t argue, just said morosely, ‘To quote Dad, this situation’s bullshit.’
She couldn’t argue. They talked on for a few minutes, but there was no way forward in their situation, so she said goodnight, and took herself to bed.
After an hour tossing and turning, she got up again. What she needed was to give her mind something else to work on, something just as significant and emotional as getting used to the idea of no longer being involved with Mats.
Wrapped in her dressing gown and enormous fluffy slippers, she fetched her laptop and the letter from Julia and Iona and returned to bed. She typed both their email addresses in the ‘to’ line, then began.
Dear Julia and Iona,
Your letter took me by surprise but thank you for reaching out. She paused, rereading those few words while she wondered what she wanted from her stranger-sisters. She must at least be open to a thread of contact, or she would have tossed their letter in the bin.
She began with easy stuff, uncertain how much Rick and Kay would have passed on. I’m forty-four and I was brought up near Bury St Edmunds in Suffolk by my parents Maxie and Vince Wynter, who were musicians. Their faces floated before her eyes, Maxie’s long hair and Vince’s rioting curls, and she was deluged both by a fruitless yearning to feel their arms around her, and anxiety that by emailing Iona and Julia she would be betraying those parents who’d loved her so much. She shook herself. Maxie and Vince weren’t here to ask, but she didn’t think they’d have stood in her way. My parents died when I was twenty. I’m the middle child, with my sister Valentina older and Thea younger. Thea and I work at Rothach Hall, while Valentina’s career took her to Edinburgh and now Inverness.
She took a breath before going on. You asked me how I feel to have two new sisters … well, I don’t know. Part of me wants to know about your upbringing; another part doesn’t. I’m still reeling from Rick and Kay turning up. I was prickly, hurt that you’d been kept, while I’d been given away. Yet if I’d been brought up with you, I would have missed out on Maxie and Vince, Thea and Valentina, who I love very much. So I don’t know what I feel or what I want – except that I am Ezzie Wynter, not Lindy Loveless. Lindy ceased to exist at a few weeks old.
I assume the woman who you call ‘Nan’ is Kay’s mother. Rick explained that she had alcoholic rages. He obviously wanted me to feel sympathy for Kay, but instead I felt guilty, because I once had problems with alcohol too. She stared at the last sentence, her finger hovering over the delete button. Then she shrugged. Why shouldn’t they know the worst of her? She went on. Kay was raged at, overwhelmed by shame and censure, and so she let me go. Rick was shut out of the pregnancy and birth but subjected to the gossip. With that history, it’s nice for Rick and Kay that they married once she was eighteen, but I suppose I expected a story of a one-night stand or worse, not a happy-ever-after for everyone but me. This may not be rational.
The moments outside the hall with Rick floated back to her, him staring up at the hall. She added, Rick’s the first person I’ve met who looks like me – blue eyes and quite tall. And he showed me a photo from when he had hair like mine before it receded. He seemed interested in Rothach Hall, a place I love, and said he wished he could have been an architect. And as I’m responding to your letter, though much of this email sounds wounded and bitter, it’s clearly not ALL I feel. I feel curiosity about my birth family.
I also feel fear about the future. If we ever meet, will we connect? Or will I be looking in from outside, like a trial run for your family, the Colvilles, that was discarded? There I go with the wounded and bitter again. Evidently, I feel vulnerable.
Best wishes,
Ezzie
A wave of fatigue engulfed her. Yawning, she sent the email, then closed her laptop and turned out the light. Tomorrow, she’d have to deal with the Mats situation but for now, she thought she could at last fall asleep.
In the morning, she woke to two emails. The first read:
I’m so sorry about you losing your parents so young. Thank you so much for responding to us. Totally understand that you must feel a mixture of emotions that are difficult for others to understand. I’d like to email you again when I’ve had time to mull over what you said.
Very, very best wishes,
Julia
The second was shorter:
What Julia said. We’re so lucky that we have our parents whenever we want them.
Iona
It wasn’t until Ezz was showered and dressed that it occurred to her that Iona’s comment had a double meaning. Ezz’s parents were Maxie and Vince, much missed. But Iona had said ‘our parents’, which Ezz had blithely taken to mean Iona and Julia’s parents. But Rick and Kay had created Ezz, just as much as they’d given life to Julia and Iona.
Iona was saying that Ezz had living parents who wanted to know her.
If only she knew whether she wanted to know them.