17. Chapter 17
Chapter 17
Echo
I turned the music on full blast as soon as I got home. When Ray Charles sang Drown In My Own Tears , it resonated with me because I was crying, silent tears running down my face.
I was humiliated, certainly. But I'd been humiliated before. This was something else. This was heartbreak.
I'd gone to the club because I wanted to tell Remi my paper was accepted. I was so excited to share my good news with him. He seemed to care about it, and no one else ever had. Stupid, stupid Echo, always wanting more than she had a right to. My aunt had always tried to teach me, and I never go it…until now .
"Learn your place, girl. College is not for you. Find yourself a job and a man."
"Just because you now went to Vandy doesn't make you special."
"You're a whore and drug addict's daughter, Echo, no matter how much education you get."
I could get educated. I could get cleaned up. But I couldn't become worthy of people like Remi and Lani. I'd let them use me because I was hungry for acceptance. I'd bettered myself and they still looked at me like I was the help. God! I hated these people so much. I hated how they made me feel.
I couldn't believe that Remi called me a fat bitch. The first man to make me feel beautiful had been lying. He thought I was a leech.
As Aretha Franklin bellowed about getting respect, I put a hand on my small dining table. I served him food here. We'd talk about everything and anything. I thought we were friends and lovers. Now, I knew I was nothing to him—maybe a ride on the wrong side of the tracks. He could check off fucked the DUFF from his bucket list.
I collapsed onto the floor and pulled my knees up, hugging myself. I didn't mind being alone—cause I knew how to take care of myself, which was why I never felt lonely. But right now, I could do with someone hugging me, someone telling me it was going to be alright, that I'd be okay.
What had I ever done to these people that they should speak about me like this? I was kind. I was quiet. I stayed out of everyone's way.
I heard my doorbell, but I ignored it. I didn't care who it was. I didn't want to see anyone. Then I heard the door open. I looked up and saw Remi.
He looked around my place and spotted me on the floor. I hated that he saw me like this, broken.
"Leave the key and get the fuck out of my house," I told him and rested my forehead on my knees, making him disappear. Out of sight, out of mind. Right?
Yeah, and DNA will start knitting sweaters.
I felt his heat next to me as he settled on the floor with me.
But when he put his arm around me, I pushed him away, scrambling to stand up.
"Don't you dare touch this fat bitch, Remi Drake."
I saw regret in his eyes, and I didn't give a shit. He was feeling bad that he got caught. He thought he was a decent guy, so he wanted to apologize and make it right. But the thing was that if he was actually a decent guy, he would've never said those things about me in the first place.
"Echo, I'm so sorry."
Laughter burst out of me. "You've got to be kiddin' me."
"I have no excuse. I was…I'm so sorry."
"Not as sorry as I am." My hands were clenched into fists, tears were still streaming down my face, but I didn't care. I was fueled by both grief and anger. "I don't know why I expected any better from you 'cause y'all are cheaters. Marina fucks your friend. Tommy fucks other people. Lani slept with Kenneth. Yeah, with Kate's fiancé. It was in Aspen last winter when y'all went skiing. They were drunk. This is who you people are. No sense of loyalty, no integrity, and you look down upon me ?"
He got up from the floor. He pulled out a dining chair. "Sit. Please ."
"Get out, Remi."
He sat down on a chair. " Please , Echo."
I shook my head. "No. You don't get to come into my home anymore. You don't get to speak to me."
"Come on, please let me explain. Don't you think we owe it to ourselves? For what we shared?"
I narrowed my eyes and scoffed. "And what did we share? I was your dirty secret. You didn't stay the night until this Sunday and then went AWOL on Monday night. You didn't even have the decency to let me know you wouldn't be coming, and you knew I'd be waitin' 'cause you've spent every Monday for four months with me. But I'm sure you thought, I don't owe her shit, she's just a fuck buddy. Am I right?"
He had the decency to look guilty. "You're right, Doll."
It had made me so happy when he started calling me Doll and Baby Doll . Now it grated on my nerves. I nodded, my heart breaking some more. It was one thing to think it, but another for him to confirm how little I meant to him, especially when I loved him with all my heart and let him in when I hadn't let anyone ever in.
"Why are you here?" I wiped my cheeks. I was done crying for this motherfucking asshole. Done!
He swallowed. "To apologize."
"Okay. You've done that. Now get lost."
"Echo, please forgive me. I was being stupid and—"
"I forgive you. It's myself I don't forgive, Remi. I knew who Lani was. I just expected you to be better, which was wishful thinkin'. You're not better. You're worse than her. At least her meanness and cruelty are in my face." I crossed my arms, holding myself together. "Did you think you were doing this fat bitch a favor by fucking me?"
He closed his eyes as if in pain. "You're not fat, Echo. You're beautiful—"
"Don't," I snapped. "I heard you. Fat bitch. Leech. Hanger-on. Charity case. What? You thought no one's fucking poor Miss Poopy Pants, I should do her as a favor? Well, thank you, Remi, 'cause the sex was excellent, and I always came. You did your job. Now, go."
He looked defeated. He put his hands on the dining table. "I felt safe with you, Echo. I felt like I could be myself. I didn't have to wear a mask or be a Drake or a nightclub owner. I could just be me. You don't know what a gift that was that you gave me. I didn't mean any of that shit I said."
I chuckled as Bonnie Raitt began to sing Good Man, Good Woman , the quintessential duet with Delbert McClinton about a couple splitting up because the relationship isn't bringing out their best. It was very à propos.
"But how about all the shit that you did mean? Keeping me a secret or leaving in the middle of the night making me feel like a piece of ass. Making sure you told me time and again that this was just fucking , and I shouldn't get any ideas ."
He dropped his face in his hands, and I saw there were tears in his eyes. I refused to feel bad for him. I may love him, but I was done being his doormat.
"I can only apologize. I can't go back and change the past. Trust me, if I could, I would."
I'd never seen Remi look this tired, this beaten. The part of me that loved him wanted to hold his hand and be his friend, but that part had shrunk like a raisin in the sun.
"Trust me, Remi, if I could go back and change having sex with you that first time, I would," I threw back at him sarcastically. "Now, leave my house and don't ever come back. You see me on the street, cross the road."
"Echo," he pleaded, "no, Baby Doll, don't end us like this."
I cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. "You think I am ending us ? You son of a bitch, I came to the club today to tell you my paper was accepted. I wanted to celebrate with someone who I thought was my friend, even if he didn't want to acknowledge me as his lover. But what do I find? You're not my anything. So, what the hell am I ending?"
He got up and came to me. He didn't touch me but looked at me with moist eyes.
"You are my friend, Echo. My only friend."
"And look how you treated me."
He nodded. "I fucked up. Bad. But I can make this right. If you let me, I can—"
"How will you make it right, Remi?" I took a step toward him, challenging him. "How will you make me un-hear the ugly things you said about me?"
He put his hands on my shoulders. "I don't know how, but I will."
I smirked. "When you find out, send me a telegram. Until then, you know where the fuck the door is. Don't make me ask you to leave again because my next act is to call 911."
He sniffled and then leaned down and brushed his lips against my forehead. "I'm so sorry I hurt you. You of all people didn't deserve that."
I watched him leave, not sure if I was happy about it or devastated.