29. Chapter 29
Chapter 29
Chi
I know this is a dream. Something terrible has happened; I feel the reality of that somewhere in the haze of everything. But there’s nothing I can do about the world in which that happened, because I can’t get back to it right now. I have to admit to myself… I’m probably not trying that hard.
This is nice; this limbo in which there’s so little to feel or think about. That haze between sleeping and waking again but perpetual. The gears in my brain definitely still work, but they are sluggish here. I don’t have to make so many choices I don’t want to make. Or any choices at all. I can just drift around without worrying for once if I’m right or wrong. If I’m ruining everything or making it better. If I’ll be miserable or happy forever after some life-altering event.
“Chichi-chan.” My father’s voice is in my head. I conjure him up to stand before me and smile. It’s not real, but it feels real, and maybe that’s all that matters. Here, it can be all that matters. Here, anything I say goes.
“Papa,” I say warmly with a hug, displaying clearly the affection I have always felt but have never shown toward him. I can show it here in this unrestricted void I’m in. Clearly, he can show it too. But then, he’s not really here.
Maybe he is. Don’t think about it.
I shrug impassively. “It appears I have to stay here. I don’t see a way to get back. I like it, though.”
“You will be fine. It will hurt, and then it will get better. You will make the right choice for yourself. That’s all you can do. One choice at a time.”
“How did you know…” I don’t understand how he has figured out that I’ve been worrying about my choices in that other place. That the terror of making the wrong one tears me up on a daily basis. It doesn’t matter how he knows, though. That’s not the real question. “How did you always make the right choice?”
He laughs, and that’s how I really know it’s a dream. It’s the same laugh as he’s always had, though: the short, scoffing type. “The right choice all the time? Did I make you believe that? I was always good at showing strength of mind.”
He smiles again, his voice becoming even gentler. “You must be confident in your choices, Chichi. Even when you do make the wrong ones, like I did many times. My life would have followed a different path had I chosen different things. But they would not have been right or wrong; those words are nothing but illusions. You choose what you must, when you must. We all do. Had the world or our lives been different, perhaps my choices would have been as well.” He shrugs. “Or perhaps not.”
I shake my head. “But you raised me to be strong and resilient. You raised me to be someone who could take over the crown. I don’t want to fail at this.”
“You give all of the credit of what you’ve done well to me while giving yourself only blame, my Chichi-chan. You should never give anyone all the credit and take none for yourself; didn’t I teach you that? You cannot do that anymore, even with me.”
I feel like I’m crying, like my body is shutting down on me, but I can also feel myself with this perpetual serene smile on my face, holding that other reality away from me at arm’s length. I want more time here. More time with my father. The father who is not really my father but… feels like him. “What if I choose to just shut it all out?”
He looks down before he looks back up at me. He looks into my eyes — again, in a way he did only so rarely in life. “Then that will be a choice you make also. Again, not good or bad. But of course, with every choice it behooves us to consider the consequences.”
I shake my head. I don’t want to think about that right now .
“But you asked for my thoughts, my Chichi-chan. And one thing you always did so well was consider those. To make the best choice, you must think about the outcome. You must think about what your decision will affect.”
Do I want this void here to be my life? Could it really be? “Is any of this real?”
I answer my own question when my father disappears like a wisp of smoke with just a thought from me. I know I can conjure him back up if I try, just like I know I can reimagine my first kiss or my last trip to Hawaii.
Or Andy. But I don’t want to conjure Andy up. I want him to actually be real, and not just in my head.
And that’s when I feel something I know is real. I’m being touched by what I’m certain is Andy’s hand. And I’m acutely aware that I’m making my own decision to be with him right now. Despite the terrible pain, the blinding lights, and the cacophony of harsh beeping and yelling all around me, I’m glad I’ve made this choice.