Chapter 31
Maryellen
Ihated myself for asking Chase that question at the bar last night.
Once I quickly changed the subject back to his performance and his offer, he seemed to forget my concerns.
His buzz from his night hadn’t worn off, and he kept going on about how psyched he was about his talk with the music scout backstage.
But my concerns hadn’t worn off either.
They were for me, for him, for us.
I knew he was excited. He had every right to be, it was an opportunity of a lifetime. Yet, I don’t think he had stopped to think about how it would affect any part of his future.
He was a Parker. I forgot he didn’t have to think about his future.
I watched him sleep next to me. He was peaceful and beautiful at rest. The crazy long eyelashes that curled along the top of his cheeks when his eyes were closed made me incredibly jealous.
There was a sprinkle of pale freckles across his nose I had never noticed before.
And of course, that damn stubble of his that somehow was always at the perfect length.
My hands itched to touch it, but I didn’t want to wake him.
“It’s amazing how you can wake me just by admiring me,” he mumbled. “Your eyes literally pierce through me and stir my insides. It’s a skill.” He stifled a laugh against his pillow.
He hadn’t opened his eyes yet. I reached over, encasing his body with mine while still under the covers.
“Mmm,” he hummed against my arm. “You feel amazing. Your skin is so warm.”
He spun toward me, our bodies flush against each other, as his eyes slowly opened. In the morning light, the green speckles of his dark irises were brighter.
“Morning,” I said. “A girl could get used to this, ya know. Waking up in your arms is quite addictive.”
He nuzzled his head into the crook of my shoulder, avoiding the light streaming in his face from the open curtains. “Why are the shades open?”
“You don’t like the morning sun? I love knowing it’s a new day.”
His head shook against my chest. “Nope, I’d rather my watch tell me it’s a new day, especially on a weekend. It’s so bright. As far as you waking up in my arms…” He pulled away and looked up at me. “It could be arranged on a daily basis, if you wanted.”
I tried to hide my stunned face, since the proposition was one I wasn’t expecting.
The only logical thing to do was to change the subject back to him.
“Tell me more about this offer the scout made. Is it like a weekend thing around here, in the city?”
Now it was his turn to go quiet. He pulled himself up to sit against the headboard and refused to look at me.
The tables had turned.
Reaching out, I pulled on his chin and forced him to look at me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
He got out of bed, and I watched that fine ass walk away toward his closet.
When he came back, he was in a pair of gray sweats that hung low on his hips.
That muscular V he had from his six-pack was clearly visible as he strutted back to the bed.
Moving in and seeing that every day would have its perks.
He handed me a pair of his sweats and a T-shirt.
“We need to talk. Let’s get dressed and go downstairs.” His serious tone had me on edge.
After I dressed, I followed him down the wide staircase that overlooked his living room. It was connected to a gourmet kitchen by a huge island between the two rooms. He put on a pot of coffee as I sat across from him on an island stool.
He leaned against the island, his hands wide as they rested against the black quartz counter. His eyes were downturned, but his gaze lifted to mine before he spoke.
“I’m not used to being in a relationship, Mare. The only one I had, years ago, was not based on what we have. Now I have a decision to make. I’ve never needed to make a decision while thinking of someone else before.”
My saliva filled my mouth and got stuck in my throat, the knot so big. Part of me was impressed he considered me while making this decision.
The other part feared the outcome.
“What is it you need to decide?”
He walked around the island and sat next to me, taking my hands in his before speaking. “The tour this agent offered me. It’s not some local New York bar thing. It’s across the East Coast. It would take me out of state.”
Oh.
Shit.
This was a big deal. For him. And for us.
But he still hadn’t mentioned a decision. I waited for him to continue.
“There are some options,” he said. “One is that I don’t do it.”
“Chase!” I protested, my hands pushing against his chest.
“I know, not the best one, but hear me out. Another is that I go on this tour, and you stay here, in New York. Keep in mind I don’t have all the details, but it’s supposed to start in about a month and last through the summer.”
That was the option I was afraid of.
“But there is another possibility.” The enthusiasm in his voice made me curious. “You could come with me.”
I sat motionless as he waited.
He continued to wait as my brain refused to process his words. That was the “waking up together on a daily basis” proposal. Eventually, his hand covered mine, snapping me from my frozen state.
“I know it’s asking a lot of you,” he said. “But it could be a great thing for us, if you think about it.”
“Chase,” I said. No other words came to mind to continue with.
“Don’t answer me right away. Think about it. It’s a big decision and we should discuss it together. But I’d love for you to join me, and we could see parts of the country we’ve never seen. Together.”
Stunned didn’t begin to describe my emotional state. My initial impulse was to call Evie or Harper to get their input.
The questions mulling around in my mind were ones I knew would dampen his mood. Even possibly dash his dreams.
I didn’t want to be the one responsible for ruining this chance for him. It was something I knew he’d always dreamed of. But these questions needed to be answered.
So I asked them.
“What are you planning on telling Gage? About your new position he just put you in?” I asked.
He nodded as if he was fully expecting this one. “Well, this isn’t a long time I’d…” He paused and smiled. “Or we’d, be gone. I was hoping he’d put it all on hold for a while to let me do this. He knows now how much this would mean to me.”
That could be possible. But there was more.
“What about my job? What do you think he would say about me leaving?”
What would I say? The idea of leaving my job made my skin itch. Losing the security it offered was never an option.
Could it be now? I didn’t know. As I looked around the expansive room, it felt as though the walls were closing in on me. A bead of sweat dripped between my breasts.
“Hey,” Chase said. “Mare. This is all good stuff. I don’t want this to be something that stresses you out, OK?”
I stood. I needed to stand.
I needed to move. As I walked to the windows and glanced out over Central Park, it unfortunately didn’t help much. It only seemed to further drive home the point that Chase and I came from such different backgrounds. Walking away from his job wasn’t an issue.
Unlike me.
“Um, I…” My words came out stuttered when I couldn’t find the right ones. Looking around, I saw my coat and purse on the couch. “I have to go.”
Throwing on my shoes and coat, I got to the elevator as I heard him following behind me. I pressed the button as he spun me around.
When he looked at me, his eyes turned down. He dropped his hands from my arms and stepped back.
He was giving me space.
He was giving me control.
The cold air on my face and in my lungs helped the moment I stepped outside.
Crossing the street into the park, I found a bench and sat.
My mind was blank as I surveyed my surroundings.
The sky was a bright blue with puffy white clouds.
The chill of winter hung on, but signs of spring fought to show themselves.
Tiny patches of fresh green grass grew in clumps along the edge of the walkways.
The songs of the birds were loud and vibrant.
I pulled out my phone and went right to Evie’s number. My finger hovered over the keys to type out a text to her. For confirmation on what I should do with the rest of my life.
But then I shoved my phone back in my pocket.
Tears of anger and frustration welled up, threatening to spill over as I hid my face in my hands. A solitary tear fell onto the pants I wore.
Chase’s pants.
“Jesus Christ, what am I doing?” I said to myself.
Chase was acting more mature than I was. Instead of sticking around to talk, the almost thirty-year-old skipped out on the conversation.
The change in him has been tremendous in the past weeks as we’ve worked on us as a couple. Me, not so much. If we were going to make this relationship work, I needed to step up my game.
We had a big decision to make. It was not the time to walk away or disappear.
But I did walk away. I deserted him.
Just as his mother had.
He watched me walk away and didn’t stop me. He was OK with it.
But I wasn’t. My heart ached in my chest for what I’d just done to him. The broken look on him as I walked out should have been enough to keep me there.
Why wasn’t it?
He had proven he loved me regardless of my insecurities, all my issues. To walk away from that was insanity. Especially considering how hard we’ve worked to get to where we are.
The disappointment I had for myself was insurmountable.
Talking to my friends, or anyone other than Chase, about a decision that pertained to us was not the answer.
I needed to talk to him.
My feet had me running from the bench across the intersection to his building, ignoring the red light at the corner. As I dodged traffic to get back to him, my heart raced at the notion that he might not be there waiting for me.
When security buzzed his apartment to give me access to his elevator, I held my breath as I stepped in. I had too much time to think about how this could go while it carried me up the sixty floors. Even though he watched me leave, he could be mad that I did.
He should be mad at me that I’d left. I’d be mad.
As the elevator opened to his penthouse, he was leaning against the wall.
Waiting.
He looked like a broken version of himself.
His shoulders were slumped and he had his hands deep in his pockets.
He tilted his head up and to the side as he inspected me, most likely for any decision or indecision he could detect.
As I took a couple tentative steps toward him, he opened his arms and I walked into his embrace.
We held on as if we both thought it might not happen again. I tried to keep my sobs silent and to myself, but my shaking shoulders gave me away. His arms squeezed me even tighter.
“I’m sorry,” I said into his chest between cries. “I shouldn’t have taken off like that. It wasn’t fair of me to do that to you.”
Both of his hands went to my head, cradling it against him. The tenderness he offered made my heart ache.
How could I walk away from this?
I didn’t want to.
But I also didn’t know if I could walk away from the only security I had in my life.