55. Monstrous
O llie’s eyes slowly opened. His mind, however, had been running and running before he’d even woken up, the moments on repeat in his head. So much so, the tears pooling in his eyes just added to the ones already staining his cheeks.
What… What had I been about to do?
Mikael’s screams started to fill his head, along with the twisted, burning hatred he’d felt at the time. The feeling trailed along his nerves, the remnants turning his stomach.
“Oh, G-God,” he rasped softly as he lunged from the bed. Rushing to the bathroom, he dry heaved into the toilet as he began to sob. “Oh, God—ah—W-what am I…? W-what am I?” he whimpered, before dry heaving again.
Ollie flinched back with a cry when something brushed against a horribly sore spot on his back. He found himself staring up into Noble’s hazel-green eyes, the man standing behind him.
“Ollie…”
“I-I’m…” He hiccupped and began sobbing harder. “I’m a—ah—I’m a m-monster!”
Noble shook his head. “No! No, Ollie, you will never be that.”
“I wanted to k-kill him!” he screamed. “I tried t-to kill him! I still feel it… The em-emotions. They’re so wrong… But it’s me.” He slapped his chest. “It’s part of me. It wants to do it! I can feel it still!”
It would have been so easy. He had felt it. It was just a will or a want away. The worst part was, the only reason he hadn’t done it…was because he’d been playing . Ollie had wanted Mikael to suffer…
Noble slowly sat down on the floor beside him, grabbing one of his hands.
“Ollie,” Noble began softly. “Everyone, and I mean every single person past a certain age, is capable of killing. I would say just adults, but we both know that’s not true. And every single one of them has, at one point or another, wanted someone dead, and have even thought about doing it. If they claim otherwise, they are lying. But wanting someone dead, and trying to kill someone, whether it makes you a monster or not, has always been dependent on why. The fact of the matter is, no one would ever consider you a monster for protecting yourself and those you love. Never.”
“But I—ah!” he whimpered. “But I-I?—”
“I know it feels awful right now, but don’t you see, that’s your answer. You feel awful! Would a monster care? Would a monster care that he wanted to kill someone?!”
“I WANTED TO BURN HIM ALIVE!” Ollie bellowed. “Don’t you get it?! I wanted to b-burn him alive! And I would have, if you hadn’t…” he trailed off.
Ollie would have…but instead… His gaze flicked to the hand on his. It was bruised, the man’s knuckles all scraped up… Both of his hands were. He had let Noble bloody his own hands. At least…he thought he had.
“Is he dead?” Ollie rasped, his voice barely a whisper.
“Yes.” The word was so final sounding, yet…there wasn’t a hint of emotion in it.
Ollie waited to feel something, but nothing came. He just felt lost, and tired. Broken… No, he felt like something was close to breaking inside of him… Whatever it was, it was being burned by the rage that felt like his, but also didn’t.
Noble carefully cupped the left side of his face, brushing his tears away one by one. “Ollie, do you want to know the real truth?”
He sniffled and took a shuddered breath. “W-what?”
“I wanted to see it happen. And for a brief moment, I hesitated to stop you. You wanted to burn him alive because he hurt someone you love. I wanted him to burn alive because I wanted to see and hear him suffer. And part of me would have savored every single memory of it.
“Baby, the only monster here is me. But that’s okay, because I will become the worst kind of monster, just to keep a smile on your face. To keep you from doing things that you would never forgive yourself for.”
Ollie stared wide-eyed up at him, his tears still coming. “Y-you…” he rasped softly. “You shouldn’t have to.”
Noble laughed, the noise sounding sad to his ears. “Ollie, it’s not about having to do it. It’s about needing to. I won’t let anyone hurt you. Not even yourself.” The man sniffed, his eyes looking as if they held unshed tears. “Ollie, I love you. As monstrous as I am, and as much as you deserve better, I love you. And I’m too selfish to walk away, even though I should, even though I’ve been lying to myself saying I would.”
Fear laced through him at the mere mention of Noble abandoning him, even as his heart soared on hearing that the man loved him.
Clutching the hand cupping his face, he cried, “You’re not! You’re not a monster! Please…” He swallowed. “Pl-please, don’t leave m-me.”
“Never,” Noble growled.
“I love you,” Ollie swore. “I love you.”
Noble’s mouth sealed gently over his. Even so, he couldn’t help but wince as the man brushed against his bruised and likely cut lips.
“Oh, my poor baby,” Noble murmured softly, running one finger over his lips with a featherlight touch. “I should have hurt him more.”
“I-is it b-bad?” Ollie asked, feeling instantly disgusted in himself. “Oh God, I’m thinking about my face when I… When I…” he trailed off as he started to feel everything.
The bruises were numerous, and the worst, no doubt, was his face, but that wasn’t what was bothering him. His throat…hurt…
In fact, it hurt to talk…to swallow… Ollie’s heart started to skip faster in fear. “I-I don’t…think he was going to kill me r-right away… I think…I-I think…”
“Shh, don’t think about it, baby. Don’t think about that man for even a second longer.” Noble pulled him into his lap, and as the man’s arms wrapped around him, Ollie had a single moment of feeling profoundly safe before the weight of everything he’d discovered, everything that had happened to him, that had been done to him, slammed forward… It was all too much. The lies, the secrets, the hatred…the unknown... He felt like he was drowning in it all.
Ollie pressed his face into Noble’s chest, not even trying to hold back his sobs as the emotions continued to crash over him.
Desperately, he cried, “I-I want it all to s-stop! I-I was so scared! I can’t—ah! I can’t d-do this!” He coughed, his breathing shaky as he began to cry harder.
“Oh God, Ollie, I’m so sorry,” Noble murmured, while holding him closer, and starting to rub his back. “I promise, it will get easier. It will.”
“No,” he whimpered. “I can’t…can’t—ah. I’m scared!!” Ollie wailed. “I’m scared!”
As chest heaving sobs slipped past his lips, one after another, it felt as if the only thing holding him together was Noble’s arms around him.
“I got you, baby. I got you. I won’t let anything hurt you ever again.”
Closing his eyes, Ollie continued to cry his heart out, letting all the emotions he had brushed aside keep coming, while he continued to cling tightly to Noble. He was more than desperate as he tried to take comfort in the promises the man was making to him, even as he did all that he could to crush and bury the questions that had started to rise up in his mind with everything else.
Ollie didn’t want to know… He didn’t want to know what Noble was hiding. He didn’t want to know how he really knew Mikael. He didn’t want to know what other blood the man had on his hands. Ollie didn’t want to know why Noble could kill so easily, or why a dead body didn’t bother him, or even why the man knew all that he did about what Ollie was…
Ollie was tired of people lying to him…but if it meant keeping Noble by his side, he hoped he would lie to him forever.
I’ll never ask…so please…please, Noble…please, never stop…