Chapter 30
Thirty
Rose
They had to slow down their pace once they were safe from the black sunder.
Rose didn't think Gunnar should move at all.
He was adamant that they had to find a safer place to be, but he could barely move.
The poison was still running through his veins, made worse by his heroics in helping them get out of that breeding ground, and thus, it was nearly as bad as it had been before.
She had to be the voice of reason. And the voice of reason said they needed to camp for a little while longer. Though he grumbled and muttered under his breath, he didn’t fight her on that. So she knew he had to feel awful.
A pause gave her more time to discover this new part of herself. No longer cowering in fear from life, she felt a sizable amount of reassurance in knowing that she was never really alone. All Rose had to do was blink and she could see hundreds of people all around her.
Trolls who would guide her to food that was safe for them to eat.
Hunters who guided her footsteps, making sure she didn't disturb any of the creatures that lived down here.
Gatherers who guided her to dry peat moss that could be used for a fire.
Adventurers who helped her light the fire with mere stones, even though it took her a long time to learn.
There was so much knowledge here, just waiting for her to ask for it.
And Rhydian himself, of course. Although he was rarely around once he had gotten them to safety.
He said he didn't like being in such a place.
Cold and wet sensations were his nightmare, and he was perfectly happy disappearing.
Where he went, she had no idea. She kind of hoped it was the tower they had built together in whatever realm that was.
Gunnar lay on the bed of moss she had built him, and she sat beside the fire she had made with her own hands, and Rose felt... capable. Stronger. She felt like she could go out into the world and not be so terrified of it.
What a strange feeling it was. She had been so broken for so long, told she was only good for one thing, and the idea of living had been repulsive. Now, she was finding there was a lot more to living than just being someone else's pet.
She let out a little snort and then rolled one of the peat bricks so the fire could burn the other side.
"What are you chuckling about?" Gunnar asked, moving so he was at least sitting upright.
His back was against the stone wall behind him, and he looked very much like the rake the other trolls thought him to be.
His hair was mussed, his eyes a little sleep swollen, but his gaze was focused entirely on her.
"Chuckling? You know I don't laugh."
"Someday I will hear your laugh and it will make me fall off whatever mountain I am climbing. But really, Rose. What are you thinking about?"
She shrugged. "I guess I don't really want to go back. Is that insane to say?"
"Why wouldn't you want to go back?"
All she had to do was gesture to everything surrounding them, all the things that she had accomplished on her own.
"Look at what I can do! Is this not remarkable?
All I had to do was ask the dead, and they taught me without any question.
Back in Trollveggen, all I'll have is Astrid trailing me and telling me not to do certain things because I'm not ready for them. "
Gunnar winced. "I suppose I am just as guilty of that."
"I wasn't ready. For a very long time. I understand why people are so hesitant to let me do things, but I.
.. I feel like the past few weeks have opened my eyes.
And that maybe I've been putting the pieces of myself back together the entire year that I've been here, and all I needed was time to do that. Now I'm.. I'm..."
She didn't know how to describe it. Frustrated with herself, she rolled the thoughts over in her mind until she could finally vocalize how she was feeling.
"My life has been sand stuck in my shell," she started, cupping her hands together like a clam.
"All the hardship, all the pain, all the torment.
Everything. It was like I was jammed full of dirt and I've been taking my time pulling all of it out.
Grain of sand by grain of sand. It took a long time to clean myself up until I could find that last bit of sand.
The piece that I've been rolling around for ages. "
Unfurling her fingers, she opened them. And inside her hand, she could see a glow of magic. Just the slightest bit, a little ball of yellow energy that was not so bright that it was hard to look at, but bright enough to be impressive.
"How are you doing that?" Gunnar asked.
"I don't know. It's part of what I see all throughout this mountain. A glow that comes from deep within, and it is so beautiful. I think I recognized it because it's in me too." Yes, that was right. She could sense it now.
Rose opened her fingers and let the glow float out of her grip and into the air between them.
"Souls, I guess. Spirits who need to be heard and seen.
Even while you were asleep, I could see countless of them.
Souls that just want to help. They are still here, guiding us, wanting to tell us how to live our lives a little better. Easier."
She was the only person who could see them, which was difficult. But as the light floated over to Gunnar and he held out his hand for it to land on his palm, she felt something inside of her easing. A tension that had built, fear that he wouldn't understand it.
"So you are healed?" he asked, with a brow cocked that said he didn't believe it in the slightest.
"No, I suppose not. I don't know what I'm going to feel when I'm in a crowd, or if I'll ever be able to go to any of your warrior games without getting nervous.
" She tucked a strand of pale blonde hair behind her ear.
"But I do think I'm back to a point where I could try to go. If I'm uncomfortable, I will leave."
His expression darkened. "I don't want you to leave ever again, Rose. It's too hard to watch your soul go where I cannot."
Her entire heart fractured at his words. Because of course he would assume she meant leave to that other realm. To hide from the reality of what was happening. But she didn't mean that.
He wouldn't believe her if she argued. She knew that. But also there was a part of herself that wanted to prove to him she truly meant those words. She was healing. She'd been healing. And a lot of that progress was due to him and his kindness and patience.
Getting up, she walked over to him. "I don't want to go back to that realm in my mind. I don't want to wander again."
Gunnar looked up at her, green eyes full of an emotion she could not name. Maybe it was hope. Hope as she stood above him, looking down at his beloved features for a few moments, before straddling his legs.
She sat down on his lap before either of them could second guess what she was doing.
Of course, it was uncomfortable at first. Her back went stiff and her thighs were hard as rocks.
She wanted to do this, though. Ever since they'd lain next to each other, sharing warmth like they had the first time he had seen her, she had wanted to know what it would be like to have his arms wrapped around her.
Rose deserved to know what that felt like. She deserved to know what it would be like to be held with love and not with pain.
"Rose?" he asked, his tone clearly hesitant.
She didn't want his hesitation right now. "Can you put your arms around me?"
Gunnar had always been a place of certainty for her. He didn't question what he was doing. He just did it. He had taken to holding her hand when he wanted, and she didn't know how he was able to reach for her that easily. Now, she needed him to do that for her while she still wanted to try.
He did what she asked, his arms coming up behind her back and gently holding her. Not trapping. Not forcing. Just holding her because she had asked.
The last strand of that old ache snapped.
Gods, she had wanted someone to hold her without feeling fear for such a long time.
Rose melted into him. She sank into his grip with ten years of pain finally being pulled off her shoulders. He carried that weight for her so she could lean into him like this, easing all the torture and torment that had plagued her for such a long time.
In the circle of his arms, in the safety of his grip, she could finally be herself.
Rose wasn't the girl who had been stolen by a king and turned into a prize that he would give to all those he deemed worthy.
She wasn't the failed daughter of a man who had never cared for her.
Nor was she the sister of a woman who had fought for her for countless years, proving that Rose wasn't the better half of the siblings.
No, she was just Rose. Rose who had endured, suffered, and come out the other side still here. Still alive.
Still whole.
Tears pricked her eyes, and she let them fall.
Silently. Soaking his shirt as he held onto her with a grip that promised she would never worry again.
Claws trailed down her back. His barrel chest was so much bigger than any human man's.
And beneath all that was the soul of a man that glowed with goodness.
She sat up, and his arms immediately loosened. She had no idea when he had tightened his grip, clutching her against his chest as she’d cried out all the feelings that had broken her for ages. None of it had been overwhelming.
No touch of his could ever be overwhelming for her, though. She’d learned that no matter what, even when he was angry or she was furious, she was safe with him. Gunnar had proven time and time again that nothing would ever stop him from trying to keep her safe and protected.
Sniffing hard, she wiped her face clean of tears and snot. Then she looked at him, determined more than ever. "I want to try to kiss you again," she said, no fear spiking at the thought.
He tilted his head to the side, looking around them. "And just how large of an audience do I have for this?"
She snorted again, and that sound really seemed like a laugh. Almost as though she had chuckled a bit at what he had said. They both froze for a moment, staring at each other as though they were waiting for that person to say how strange that had been.
She cleared her throat instead. "No one. I mean, I think there are souls watching everything we do, but they seem to be very polite. They don't want to violate our privacy."
"Good."
His hand trailed up her back, and it felt so good. So comforting. The sensation was strange to know that she could be touched by someone else and it would feel good.
Everything about him did, though. She'd loosened sitting on him like this, her legs spread maybe a little too wide to accommodate his hips. She didn't feel the hard bar of his cock pressing up against her, insistent and hungry as men always were. Instead, he was just here. With her.
His fingers toyed with her jaw, sliding down to her chin where he pinched the tip to make her look him in the eyes. "You're here with me," he said fiercely. "No one else. Never anyone else. You and me, Rose. Forever now."
She didn't have to think after that. She just leaned forward and kissed him.
Rose didn't have any idea what she was doing.
She had to go with what felt natural, and her body seemed to know what to do.
She kissed him hesitantly, quietly, just holding her lips against his for a few moments before moving.
Then she pressed a little harder, feeling him pliant and calm beneath her.
She placed her hands on his chest and could feel how hard his heart thundered. He was nervous, or excited, she had no idea. But that spurred her on.
Like a match had been struck, he leaned into the kiss. Gunnar's hand spasmed in her hair, dragging her a little closer as his other hand came down over hers. He held her against his heart, supporting her body as he kissed her back with all the finesse of a man who had done this many times.
And thank all the gods that he had. His kiss nearly blistered the skin off her body, and she felt what it was like to swoon after a man kissed her.
Rose was lightheaded. Couldn't think about anything other than his hands, his lips, the gusty breath that exhaled out of him because he was so relieved to kiss her.
Eventually, however, he pulled back. They were both breathing hard, staring at each other.
And she could feel now that he was actually excited.
The sensation of him between her thighs wasn't necessarily unpleasant, but it was hard to feel when she knew where it would lead.
When she knew she hadn't been awake for any sex in her life, but her body remembered.
Her mind didn't understand the swell of anxiety, or why she suddenly tensed. Every muscle in her body seemed to bunch up, waiting for pain that she knew he would not give her. Gunnar had never hurt her. She knew he was safe.
But her body didn't know that.
Gunnar smiled at her, the expression soft and calm as he brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Up and off, Rose."
"I don't really want to."
"You do. We don't have to rush this or go any faster than you can handle. Pushing yourself will only make this harder." Somehow he lifted her up off his lap, setting her down on the moss beside him.
Instantly, she relaxed again. As though the distance helped.
Thoughts crowded in, and were silenced by him leaning into her line of vision and saying, "Do not be frustrated with yourself.
That was a gift for both of us, and I will not have you ruin it with the words of other people rushing in.
If I only kiss you for the rest of my life, I will be a man drowning in happiness. Do you hear me?"
"I don't know if I believe you."
He grinned at her and shook his head. "You don't have to yet. But I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you."
"I don't mean to be so broken."
"You're not, Rose. You're not broken. You're learning how to be safe again, and that's going to take time. Don't put so much pressure on yourself."