Chapter Twenty-five
Twenty-five
For months she had wondered – dared to hope, really – that Miles felt something for her. That there was something more to his lingering looks and his thoughtful words.
At least now she knew the truth.
It was absurd. She was absurd. To think that a most eligible bachelor would turn his nose up at hundreds of women only to fall in love with her?
She’d truly lost it this time.
Vanity had never been one of her flaws, but she now realized she must have a blind spot. Despite knowing – and believing – she was unappealing to the opposite sex, somehow she still thought Miles might have seen something in her. Something that Annie hadn’t even seen.
Maybe there were good things about her, but that had all been before. Before getting married. Before a challenging twin pregnancy. Before Roy left.
Annie was a woman who had been left. As much as she tried not to think about it, and while it was far more important to think about the effect on the twins, there was an effect on her, too.
She was someone who could be left. She wasn’t someone worth staying with, in Roy’s eyes, and he’d known her so well. The best of anyone, perhaps.
What did that say about her? When her world was on fire, when she was drowning, she wasn’t worth saving.
Tears flooded her eyes.
She brushed them away and focused on her computer screen.
It was a quiet day at the lab outpost. She was the only one there; she could get a lot of work done.
She needed to get a lot of work done, not waste her time running over every detail of the fundraiser again and again – looping Miles in her mind, impossibly handsome in his tuxedo, standing tall and laughing with that beautiful doctor.
Of course he’d found a gorgeous doctor to be his date. Why shouldn’t he? She had the kindest eyes. She looked genuinely nice. He deserved someone like that, and she was truly happy for him. She only wished she hadn’t been so foolish.
The longer she chewed through her thoughts, the gentler she could be with herself. It wasn’t her fault she’d developed a crush on him. She was only human. Maybe it had been a coping mechanism to get through a difficult time.
And hadn’t she gotten through? Weren’t things better now? She’d come a long way. Most days, she didn’t feel like a total failure and she wasn’t drowning. Not really.
Her mom was getting better, and now, thanks to Roy’s court mandated generosity, she could afford everything the twins needed and more.
Roy was even making an effort to see the kids more often. Apparently, the judge’s reprimand had an effect on him. To Annie, it was like a peek at Old Roy, the one she’d known so well. Old Roy would have been horrified to be scolded by an authority figure.
Then again, Old Roy had talked about how he couldn’t wait to play catch with his kids in the backyard. Old Roy dreamt of baking Christmas cookies and reading bedtime stories.
Perhaps Old Roy had been too na?ve. He’d failed to imagine the chronic exhaustion, the back-to-back illness, the absorption of his free time and the tears – the kids’ and his own.
He’d only imagined the fun parts. The picture-perfect moments.
Maybe he’d still have those one day. Annie truly hoped he’d redeem himself, for the twins’ sake. Then, if Annie could pull herself together enough, Leon and Noel would have an okay set of parents.
Enough. That was the word. She just needed to be enough. Not perfect, but a good enough mother.
It was constantly on her mind. Did she love them enough? Did she show them how much she loved them enough? Did she fight for them enough?
She certainly worried about them enough.
For the first time in a year, she felt the answer to these questions might be a yes, or at least, a maybe. She was getting there.
Miles had played no small role in that. In the end, wasn’t friendship more important than romance? At least as a friend, he was less likely to leave her.
Annie rubbed her face with her hands and stood. She needed to grab a stack of research papers she’d left upstairs.
She ran up to the third floor, the door to the staircase slamming behind her. This was not the most organized part of the lab. They’d all wanted to tidy it up, but who had the time? It was a place to store forgotten projects and old papers.
She weaved through the stacks of storage boxes until she found one she’d labeled and abandoned six months before. It was only supposed to be a few weeks, but oops. Life happened.
Annie settled into a chair and slowly lifted out the folders inside, searching for the one paper she had a vague memory of.
This was good. Her chest didn’t feel quite as heavy.
She could accept the reality of Miles having a girlfriend without having to lie to herself.
It’d be a blatant lie to herself, and to the universe, to say she didn’t want more, but the friendship was still good, even if, right now, it filled her with deep sadness.
Like she told the twins all the time, “It’s okay to feel sad,” and “It’s okay to feel angry.
” Though she always had to add, “It’s not okay to hit. ”
She laughed out loud to herself, sucking in a sharp breath like the madwoman she was.
The air burned and a cough erupted from her chest. Annie cleared her throat. It smelled like a campfire. Who would be irresponsible enough to have a campfire at this time of year?
She stood and peered out of the window. Her heart jumped. A car was parked next to hers. For a second, she thought it was Miles coming to visit her, but it wasn’t his truck. It was a blue sedan, the paint on the hood peeling, garbage piled in the passenger seat.
Definitely not Miles’ car. A dark figure sat in the driver’s seat. Annie gazed down, and a pair of eyes looked up at her.
Annie squinted. She couldn’t make out the person’s face. She thought about waving, but it seemed too absurd. Could they even see her?
Whoever it was scrambled and flailed as they started the car, which abruptly flew backwards.
The hairs on the back of Annie’s neck stood up. Something wasn’t right with that. She had never felt unsafe being at the outpost alone, but something here was off. Maybe she’d call her boss and see if he’d sent someone out.
Except she’d left her phone downstairs at her desk. Annie turned and jogged to the staircase door, her heart thundering in her chest. A cough caught in her throat the same moment the smoke detector released a shrill cry.
Annie pulled the door open. The staircase was engulfed in flames. A scream rang out. Only after she’d slammed the door did she realize it was her own voice.
She was entirely alone.