Chapter Eight Satoshi #2
‘Good, because I need them to drain this thing.’ I tapped the keg with my foot as I attached a bike pump to the coupler, something I would never even dream of doing for anyone but her.
‘I don’t have a portable CO2 system to hand, so I’m about to commit a horrible crime and pump oxygen instead, which means the beer will oxidise in about twelve hours. ’
‘You’re not going to have a problem, trust me – Hi, Mei-Lin, what can I get you? We’ve got a great selection here.’
We slipped into that same effortless service rhythm we’d found on that awful, perfect night last year.
Fiona poured wine, laughing with some of the other parents.
I tapped the keg and, between the consistent tempo of pouring and pumping, got accosted by some dads who wanted to have a discussion about craft beer.
I felt Fiona’s eyes on me again as they finally left and there was a brief lull. ‘I’ve missed you,’ I commented, pumping air into the jury-rigged keg.
‘I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry about last week, but the divorce hearing hit me harder than I expected, and then there was this email, and…’
Her voice trailed off. I looked over at her. Her gaze was fixed on my hands, following the up-and-down stroke of the pump.
‘I – um – I was going to say that I’m still a bit shaky and that maybe we should stick to second base tomorrow,’ she said, ‘but – um…’
It was probably a blessing that Lex chose that moment to come bounding up, because otherwise, I had no idea how I would have maintained my grip on my control. ‘Hi Satoshi!’
‘Hi Lex.’ I bumped my knuckles against theirs. ‘Congratulations on graduating primary school!’
‘Thanks.’ They beamed, flag pins winking on their collar in the bright overhead lights of the oval. ‘Did Mum tell you I won an award?’
‘She didn’t! Tell me about this award.’
‘It’s the Quiet Achiever award. Do you want to see?’
‘Of course I do.’
Lex showed me their certificate, and I was midway through congratulating them when another gaggle of dads approached. ‘Duty calls,’ I said. ‘But that’s amazing, yeah? Hot chocolate is on me next time your mum brings you in.’
‘Cool,’ they said. ‘Thanks, Satoshi.’
‘You’re very welcome.’
They drifted back towards the other kids. ‘Mate, what’s this beer?’ one of the dads asked, draining half the plastic cup I’d poured them in a single swallow. ‘It’s fucking awesome.’
I opened my mouth to answer, but Fiona got in first. ‘It’s a lager from Bruny Island. Satoshi has it on tap.’
‘I do,’ I said. ‘Tsundoku is a wine bar, but we’re serious about good beer too. Come in sometime for a pint.’
‘I will, mate. Cheers.’
They left. ‘Thanks for the plug,’ I said, nudging Fiona. ‘You just can’t help giving me free advertising, can you?’
‘You don’t need it.’ She nudged me back. ‘You’re a good enough advertisement all on your own.’
Night had almost completely fallen, the pinks and reds of the summer sunset giving way to dark blues and greys.
A few stars were visible in the sky, almost perfectly mirroring the little constellation of freckles beside Fiona’s nose, their light winking off the few strands of silver hair at her temples.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘For coming when I needed you.’
No one seemed to be looking in our direction, so I dared to reach out and take her hand, tracing my fingers down her wrist and along her palm before clasping it. ‘Any time.’
She smiled at me and squeezed my fingers, and for a few heartbeats, we were the only two people in the world.
But then more thirsty parents approached us and we slipped back into service mode, transitioning gradually, as the evening wore on, from pouring drinks to packing down.
I watched her in my peripheral vision as we worked, her eyes sparkling like the summer stars were caught in them, the most beautiful person I had ever seen.
We were doing the right thing, going slow. She’d been hurt so badly, and if there was even the slightest chance she might one day trust me with her heart as well as her body, I had to show her she could trust me to keep it safe.
None of that changed the fact that right here, right now – this minute – this second – I wanted her so fucking badly.
‘Lex, can you wait here and make sure no one runs off with Satoshi’s keg?’ Fiona called, putting a few last empty wine bottles back into the cases. ‘We’re just going to take these to the bin.’
Lex nodded. I picked up one of the cases. ‘I’m not sure why anyone would want to steal an empty keg, but thanks for protecting it.’
‘Are you kidding? You heard those craft beer dads.’ Fiona picked up the other case. ‘I wouldn’t put it past them to steal it for a homebrew set up or something.’
I followed her across the oval and around the corner of the school hall to the bins. ‘I know I’ve said it already,’ she said, as we started putting bottles into the dumpster, ‘but I can’t thank you enough for tonight. Truly. The last week or so has been pretty rocky, and I really needed a win.’
‘It was no trouble at all.’
She gave me a look. ‘I don’t know how you define trouble, but magically turning up with half a bar’s worth of booze five seconds after I flashed the Satoshi signal into the sky for sure required some.’
‘Seriously, it’s fine.’ I flattened a cardboard box. ‘Isamu was at the bar anyway, so I had cover. Besides, this wine probably would have gone to waste otherwise – it’s all leftover open bottles from study group yesterday.’
‘Satoshi,’ she said, ‘are you telling me that so you can try and give it to me for free?’
‘No.’ It was mostly true. ‘They all would have oxidised sooner rather than later. Plus, some of them were complete garbage. Taking money for them would be a crime.’
She chuckled. ‘Fine, fine. I’m paying for the beer, though. How much for the keg?’
I named a price that was about a third of market value. She nodded, a furrow forming between her brows. ‘I can make that work.’
Shit. I should have gone lower.
‘Can I pay you tomorrow?’ A few more bottles clanked as she threw them into the dumpster. ‘When I come in for our study session?’
‘Of course.’ I flattened the other cardboard box. ‘And I heard you before, by the way. No further than second base.’
She exhaled. ‘Sorry. The second I think I’ve got my shit together, something else will happen that sends me into panic mode, and—’
‘Hey.’ I caught her wrist. ‘You don’t need to apologise, remember? There’s no hurry. It’s not a race. We can take as much time as you need.’
‘It’s not fair to you, though,’ she said. ‘I, um… it’s okay if you want to sleep with other people.’
Some key neural pathways in my brain iced over. ‘What?’
‘It’s – like the seven years of bad sex thing.
’ Fiona used two fingers to point to her eyes and then to mine.
‘I don’t want to drag you down with me. I need to go slow, but you have needs too, and you shouldn’t have to limit yourself to high school-style making out.
And I know you always say foreplay is underrated, but you…
you don’t have to say no to other things – other people – you might want because of me. ’
‘Fiona,’ I said, ‘I don’t want anyone else.’
She swallowed.
So did I. She was a deer poised to flee. I had to tread lightly, or she was going to slip through my fingers.
No sweeping declarations of love. No falling to my knees and kissing her feet and swearing there would never be anyone but her. Nothing too fast, nothing too hard, nothing that would scare her away. Slow. Slow.
‘Just because I could technically want anyone,’ I said, ‘doesn’t mean I want everyone.’
I let go of her wrist, trailing my hand up to her shoulder. ‘You know my wine philosophy?’
‘Which one?’ she asked. ‘You have lots.’
I flicked her gently under the chin. ‘Quality, not quantity.’
That made her smile.
‘For me, sex is only worth having if it’s with someone I know. Someone I trust. Someone I like.’ The word felt hollow and shallow coming out of my mouth, a betrayal of the enormity of what I felt for her, but slow, slow, I had to go slow. ‘You’re not the only one who needs to feel comfortable.’
Her head fell forward in surrender, resting against my clavicle, and I kissed her temple. ‘You don’t need to worry that I’m suffering, all right?’ I murmured. ‘Why would I want shots when I could savour?’
‘I don’t deserve you, Satoshi.’
Her voice was muffled in my chest, so I succumbed to the urge to tangle my fingers in her ponytail, tugging her face up to mine. ‘You deserve the world,’ I told her.
Our lips had just brushed together when her phone buzzed. ‘Sorry, it’s probably Jonah,’ she said, fishing it out of her pocket. ‘He must be wondering where I am. I told him I’d pick the girls up half an hour ago, and it’s past their – oh my god.’
‘What?’
Fiona’s eyes were wide in the glowing light of her phone. ‘I’ve got an email from the wine writing comp.’
‘And? What does it say?’
‘I don’t know. I’m too scared to open it.’
‘Do you want me to hold your hand?’
She nodded. I laced my fingers through hers and she squeezed tight, so tight it almost hurt. ‘Okay, okay,’ she muttered, more to herself than to me. ‘It’s fine. Everything’s fine.’
It took about a second, maybe a second and a half, before the widest, brightest smile I’d ever seen spread across her face. ‘I won,’ she said. ‘Satoshi, I won!’
‘Fiona!’
I wasn’t sure if I moved first or she did, but between one breath and the next we were hugging, my arms tight around her as I lifted her off her feet. ‘I can’t believe this!’ she exclaimed.
‘I can.’ I pressed my lips to her cheek. ‘I’m so proud of you.’
She buried her face in my throat. ‘I couldn’t have done it without you.’
Teardrops were shining on her cheeks when I finally put her back down. ‘I tried so hard not to get my hopes up,’ she said. ‘I’ve never won anything in my entire life. I’ve always been surrounded by all these brilliant people, but I’ve never been good at anything, not really, and—’
‘You are fucking great at this, Fiona. I’m not even a little bit surprised you won.’