Chapter Nine Fiona
This wine is dangerous. With intense fruit flavours and thrillingly racy acidity, it’s difficult to stop yourself having another glass, and another, and another…
Satoshi, I’m so sorry about what happened at the barbecue, I typed into my phone, sitting on the sidelines on Saturday morning at the girls’ indoor soccer game.
I’m sorry I ran away and left you standing there.
I’m sorry Michelle spoke about you like that.
I’m sorry I rainchecked Thursday night instead of apologising to you in person, it’s just…
I let out a long breath and deleted the message. So I have a long list of things I need to apologise for, I tried again.
A cheer went up as the ball thudded into the back of the net. ‘Mummy, did you see my goal?’ Rosie yelled.
‘Yes, Rosie-girl!’ I called back. ‘Well done!’
I could feel, rather than see, some of the other parents looking knowingly at each other. The worst mother in the world strikes again. Look at her, lying to her own daughter.
I put my phone away, wrapped my hands around my keep cup of coffee and tried to focus my attention on the game. The kids blurred before my eyes, though, a mess of neon orange and green and white.
I wasn’t a bad mother. I wasn’t. My kids were safe.
My kids were loved. Lex was definitely mature enough to stand alone for ten minutes in the middle of a well-lit space with dozens of adults around, and I was allowed to have a – a – to move on from Matt.
I should be smarter than to let Michelle’s bitchy little comments get into my head.
Maybe, in another world, when I didn’t have that email from Laura sitting in my inbox oh-so-innocently implying that a better mother would simply set all her own feelings aside for the sake of the children, I would have been smarter.
But I lived in this one, and – as I was so often reminded – I’d never exactly been renowned for my intelligence anyway.
After the game, I took the girls shopping for art supplies so they could make a welcome sign for Elias, who was due to arrive next week.
They were both exhausted and hangry – I’d foolishly decided we could run this errand before I fed them lunch – and so, of course, we ran into one of the other Year 6 mums. ‘You really saved the day at the barbecue, Fiona,’ she said, effortlessly juggling her toddler and several pieces of cardboard.
‘Thank goodness you have an in with that lovely barman!’
I didn’t need a PhD to be able to read the subtext. So Michelle told everyone you’re fucking that hot young bartender you dragged along? I hope you don’t have a drinking problem along with that midlife crisis you’re having, sweetie.
‘Thank goodness,’ I echoed.
‘No!’ Georgia howled. ‘Green isn’t elegant, Rosie! Silver is elegant! You don’t know anything!’
The other mother gave me a knowing smile, and I could feel my face start to turn red as I did my best to de-escalate. Just ran into Fiona, was going to end up in some WhatsApp chat I wasn’t in within the next five minutes. She can barely control those twins of hers, poor thing.
Honestly, I’m worried about her kids, someone – probably Michelle – would say. Fiona’s obviously a mess at the moment. I hate to say this, but maybe things would be better if she didn’t have sole custody.
I was dimly aware, as I finally managed to get the girls out of the shop, that my imagination was getting the better of me, but knowing it didn’t make it stop. My therapist was going to be so mad at me.
‘Mum,’ Lex asked me, when I picked them up from Jonah and Sadie’s, ‘can we go to Tsundoku later? Satoshi told me he’d give me a free hot chocolate for winning the Quiet Achiever award.’
‘Not today, sweetheart. Your sisters are going to have a meltdown if I drag them anywhere else.’
‘Oh.’ It was one syllable, but disappointment was written large all over it. ‘Okay.’
Guilt swept through me. ‘Soon, though. I promise.’
Lex nodded, but they started fiddling with their non-binary flag pin, and the guilt intensified into nausea. Satoshi was so, so important to them. Would a good mother really be as reckless as I had? Risk what I was risking, just for the sake of – what? My own selfish feelings?
Would Michelle? Would Laura?
Later that night, sitting in bed, I finally forced myself to text him. Satoshi, I owe you a huge apology for what happened at the barbecue. I’m so sorry.
He didn’t reply.
Which I was not going to take personally.
Apart from the panicked Let’s raincheck Thursday text I’d sent him straight after the Michelle incident, it had taken me days to reach out.
I hardly deserved an immediate reply. Besides, it was before close, so he’d still be working – and it was Saturday night, so the bar was probably packed.
… oh no. I’d announced to everyone at the barbecue where he worked. What if he’d been inundated with a flood of gawking school parents? What if they were there right now, laughing and making suggestive little comments about how he was helping me get my groove back?
A HUGE apology, I texted. I know it was absolutely mortifying.
No response.
Shit. What if he’d blocked me? What if this had been a tipping point and he’d finally decided enough? What would I tell Lex? What would I—
My phone buzzed. I snatched at it so violently I nearly fell out of bed.
You don’t owe me anything, Fiona, Satoshi had sent.
I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth, head falling to my knees as I tried my best not to literally cry with relief.
How did he always react like this? Every time I dumped my bullshit on him and ran away, how, how, how did he always just make everything fine again?
I at least owe you for the keg! I sent back. I’ll pay for it. I promise.
He didn’t reply, and I could practically see him, glancing at his phone, raising his eyebrows, and putting it back into his pocket. Oh no you won’t, he might as well have said, an assertion that was also a prophecy.
The relief started to ebb away, and I hugged my knees tight to my chest as a new kind of guilt started to take its place.
The thing that had always drawn me to Satoshi, even before Matt had left, was his unfailing kindness.
It was so reliable you could set your watch by it: the sky was blue, the grass was green, Satoshi was kind.
He was the type of person who would give Lex the pin off his own waistcoat, who would make sure the girls felt like princesses in a fancy restaurant, who would flatter my ego by saying he needed my help with his tasting notes even when he clearly didn’t.
Oh, you don’t owe me anything! he’d say, I’m getting as much out of this as you are, as he gave and gave and gave, and I took, took, took.
He was a rock. He was a lighthouse. I broke over him like the sea, again and again, and he was still there anyway.
Maybe this time it really was okay. But how much more could I ask of him before he said enough? There had to be a limit – everyone had a limit – and what kind of person would I be if I pushed him to it?
Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes again. I owed Satoshi far more – and far better – than just the price of a keg.
Elias’s flight was getting in on Thursday evening – which was convenient, because I was a coward. I’m so sorry, but I have to raincheck again, I texted Satoshi. My brother’s arriving from Germany. Sorry for being such a terrible study buddy x
No problem, he texted back. I have to raincheck too anyway – covering for Birdie tonight.
Hope you’re not working too hard!! I’ll promise I’ll come and pay for the keg soon.
And I would. I would find my resolve, and I would look him in the eye, and I would discharge my debts. I was going to be a good parent and set an example for my children. No relying on anyone, for anything.
Elias was staying at my place, but as his arrival time coincided directly with the kids’ dinnertime, Jonah and Sadie had borrowed my car to pick him up from the airport.
‘I can’t wait,’ Rosie enthused as I scooped ice cream into their bowls for dessert.
‘It was so fun last time Uncle Elias was here.’
I forced the guilty memory of those weeks down. It had been January, only a few months after Matt had left, and I’d been holding on by a thread. The first time Elias had taken the kids out and I’d had the house to myself, I’d burst into tears with relief at the quiet.
‘Remember, we have lots of time to have fun with Uncle Elias,’ I said, trying and failing not to let the thought Laura would never enter my mind. ‘You can stay up to say hello, and then it’s bedtime, okay? He’s going to be tired too, and—’
Headlights flashed briefly through the window. ‘He’s here!’ Georgia shrieked, knocking her ice cream bowl off the table.
I sighed and bent down to pick it up as Rosie bolted too. I’d just mopped the floor that morning.
‘Mum, I can do that.’
I looked up, surprised.
Lex gestured to the mess. ‘Let me clean it up.’
‘My goodness!’ I heard Elias say in the front hallway as the girls squealed with excitement. ‘What an elegant welcome sign!’
‘That’s all right, sweetheart,’ I said to Lex, already halfway through imagining the condescending monologue Michelle would deliver if she saw them trying to parentify themselves like this. ‘I’ve got it.’
Elias was good-naturedly deflecting the girls’ pointed questions about whether he’d brought them any presents when I finally made my way into the living room. ‘Hey, Fi,’ he said warmly, pulling me into a hug.
‘Hey, you.’ My older brother smelled of sweat and faded cologne, his stubble scratchy as he kissed me on both cheeks. ‘How are you? You must be exhausted.’
‘I’m fine, actually. It’s about ten am Munich time. I might have been flying for a whole day, but I’m wide awake.’