Chapter Eleven Fiona #2
He found the teabags. ‘Elias and I rolled over for Dad so many times when we were younger. We let him shape us – mould us – but you never did. You were the only one who stood your ground.’
‘Look where it got me, though.’ I gestured futilely. ‘You all tried to tell me marrying Matt was a terrible idea, and I didn’t listen.’
‘Sure, fine, maybe we were onto something that time, but even broken clocks are right twice a day.’ The kettle boiled.
‘No matter how it turned out – standing up to us took a spine of steel, Fi. And all three of the kids are just like you. Can you imagine someone trying to talk any of them out of something they wanted to do?’
My eyes filled with tears.
‘Imagine trying to convince Lex to put their book down,’ Jonah went on, pouring water into the mugs. ‘Or Rosie and Georgia to – Are you all right?’
‘Fine, fine.’ I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. ‘That’s just… really nice, Jonah. Thank you.’
He put his arm around me. ‘They’re the best kids in the world, Fi,’ he said, squeezing me tight. ‘And that all comes from you.’
The kids slept in the next day, but Elias was up early. ‘You don’t know how much I missed this,’ he said, parking himself on the couch in front of the cricket. ‘Christmastime in Europe has its perks, but this – this I missed.’
Jonah came around later with the puppy and the leftovers from the brunch he’d made for Sadie.
‘We spent the morning together,’ he explained, a dreamy look on his face making it pretty clear how they’d spent the morning together, ‘but she and Chess are having a girls’ afternoon, and I didn’t want all this food to go to waste.
’ He got distracted by the beginning of the Sydney to Hobart yacht race, though, which Elias had switched over to in the lunch break, and plonked himself beside him on the couch.
My living room thus commandeered by my brothers, I ended up spending the afternoon outside, sitting in the shade and reading with Lex, the sound of the cricket a low hum through the open window as the girls played with Bunbury and the sun moved slowly across the cloudless sky.
We were both reading our Christmas gifts from Sadie and Jonah: Lex was tearing through Pet by Akwaeke Emezi, and I was making significantly less progress with Part of Your World by Abby Jimenez.
It wasn’t the book’s fault. It was perfectly good.
But it was a romance novel about an older woman falling for a younger man – it might technically have been from both of them, but it didn’t take a genius to see Sadie’s fingerprints all over it – and it had sent my mind wandering, circling around the word strong-willed like water going down a drain.
My knee-jerk reaction had been that Jonah was wrong. He didn’t have all the information, after all. Anyone who knew just how badly I was hesitating with Satoshi would never describe me as strong-willed.
But then there had been the way he’d put it: that no one could talk me or my kids out of doing something they wanted.
I wanted Satoshi. There was no denying that. And every time I tried to make myself give him up, I couldn’t.
Was Jonah right? Was I actually so strong-willed that it had come all the way back around to stop me from doing what I knew I really should?
The kids and I had been in the backyard for about two and a half hours, during which time I’d managed to turn half the pages of my book while taking in approximately one per cent of the content, when the doorbell rang. ‘I’ll get it!’ Jonah called from the living room. ‘It’ll be Sadie.’
‘Okay!’ I called back.
I picked up my phone, quickly googling a summary of the book. I was going to sit down and read it properly, but if Sadie asked me about it, I needed to have something to say.
‘Fi, can you come here for a sec?’ Jonah called.
I set my book and phone down on the table and shuffled inside, wondering what on earth he could possibly need my help with.
He’d eventually won the battle over cleaning up last night, proving that even if he hadn’t been when we were younger, Jonah was definitely now just as strong-willed as me, and—
‘Hi, Fiona,’ Matt said from the other side of the screen door.
I could barely see him behind the enormous pile of gifts he was carrying. I could barely see the gifts either, because dots had started swimming in front of my eyes.
Jonah put his hand on my lower back, steadying me. ‘What are you doing here?’ I managed to force out.
‘Laura and I spent the holidays here,’ Matt said, ‘and – well, how could I resist bringing the kids their gifts in person?’
He shifted the weight of the stack in his arms. ‘Can I come in and put these down? They’re heavy.’
‘No.’
‘Come on, Fi.’ I could feel his tone of voice in every fibre of my being, and it made me want to turn my whole body inside out. ‘Don’t be like this. I didn’t come yesterday – I didn’t want to tread on your toes—’
‘How fucking dare you?’ Jonah grated.
‘Mate, stay out of it,’ Matt said. ‘This isn’t about you. This is about me and her and the kids, and – come on, Fi, it’s one day, the divorce is final tomorrow. Are you really going to send me away?’
I stared at him.
I was still married to this man. Until the clock struck twelve, I was still married to this loathsome sack of shit.
‘I’m going to see the kids soon anyway.’ His voice turned placating. ‘Why don’t we just rip the bandaid off now?’
Rip the bandaid off? Rip the fucking bandaid off?
‘Laura’s with Micah and Nikki in an AirBnB just around the corner. I could get them to come here. Or you could bring the kids to us, if that’s more comfortable—’
‘If you don’t leave right now, I’m going to call the cops,’ Jonah said.
Matt ignored him. ‘It’s Christmas, Fi. Are you really not going to let me give the kids their gifts?’
‘So you could afford to buy all this,’ I said hoarsely, gesturing at the pile in his arms, ‘but not pay me one single cent of child support all year?’
‘You’ll get your money. I promise.’
Jonah had his phone out. ‘I’m dialling.’
‘I’m sorry I’ve been absent.’ Matt’s voice wobbled, and I wanted to scream like a banshee.
‘I really am. But it’s been so complicated – financially and emotionally, and now with the babies on the way…
I’ve treated you terribly, Fi, I know, but I’ve been so overwhelmed, and – please, please let me see the kids. Let me try and make it right.’
‘You think you can buy us?’
I turned. So did Jonah, his thumb hovering over the call button on his phone.
Lex had their fists clenched at their side, a red flush of anger slowly up rising their chest. ‘Maybe the twins will fall for this,’ they snarled, pointing at the gifts in Matt’s arms, ‘but you can’t buy me, Dad.’
Matt’s face went white. ‘Lex, buddy, things have been complicated, okay? But if you’ll let me, I can explain.’
‘Fine! Explain!’
Matt opened his mouth, then closed it again.
‘Now’s your chance!’ Lex exclaimed. ‘I’m listening.’
‘What’s going on?’ Elias asked, emerging from the living room. ‘What’s – oh no. Absolutely not.’
He pushed in front of me. ‘You think you can just turn up here? How dare you?’
‘Elias,’ I said. ‘I need you to stop yelling.’
‘Fi—’
‘It’s not helpful.’ My lips felt numb, like I’d been running an ice cube over them. ‘If you want to help, please go and shut all the doors and windows. The girls are outside with the puppy, and I don’t want them overhearing any more of this than they already have.’
Elias hesitated. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes. I’m sure.’
He went. I turned to Jonah. ‘Will you please go out the back? Make sure the girls stay there?’
Jonah’s gaze flickered back to Matt. ‘I don’t want to leave you alone.’
‘I’ll be fine.’ I felt almost light-headed, like my anger was so strong that it might burn away gravity’s hold on me. ‘If I haven’t come out in ten minutes, you can call the cops, all right?’
To his credit, Jonah didn’t argue. He squeezed my shoulder as he left.
‘Lex, please go with Uncle Jonah,’ I said. ‘Or you can go to your room if you want.’
‘No.’ Lex took Jonah’s place beside me, crossing their arms across their chest. They were shaking, but their voice was firm. ‘I asked Dad a question.’
‘It’s all – just so complicated, Lex,’ Matt said. ‘It’s not that I don’t love you and your sisters. I do. And I love your mother too.’
I managed to repress my snort, but Lex didn’t. ‘Oh, sure. You definitely loved your backup family so, so much.’
‘Fi, didn’t they work through this in therapy?’
That nearly sent me into space. ‘Don’t you dare suggest that there’s anything wrong with them.’
‘That’s what he thinks, though!’ Lex jabbed their finger at Matt. ‘That there’s something wrong with me!’
‘Of course I don’t,’ Matt said. ‘That didn’t come out right. What I meant—’
But Lex was already barrelling onward. ‘You were so ashamed when I told you who I was.’ Their voice cracked. ‘You said it was just a phase. That I’d grow out of it. You must have been so relieved that I wasn’t one of your real kids!’
‘Lex, no!’ Matt and I exclaimed – for once, in perfect unison.
Tears started spilling down Lex’s face. ‘So you can fuck right off, Dad. I don’t need anything from you! Ever!’
‘Buddy, I’m so sorry.’ Matt looked at me desperately. ‘I know I said some misguided things when you came out. I’ll never be able to make that up to you. But I’m going to do better, I swear, and—’
‘No! I never want to see you again!’
‘Matt,’ I said, ‘you need to go. Now.’
‘But—’
‘Now.’
He fled.
‘Lex,’ I said, ‘sweetheart, can I—’
They threw their arms around my neck. ‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ they sobbed into my shoulder. ‘I’m so sorry.’
I held them tight, one hand stroking their hair, the way I used to when they were little.
I should be crying too – I cried at the drop of a hat these days – but the only thing left in me was fire.
I was a creature made of flame now, a thing of nightmares that would torch anything that dared hurt her precious babies.
‘You have nothing to apologise for.’ I pressed my lips to their temple. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong, all right? Nothing.’