Chapter Thirteen Fiona #4
I shook my head. ‘No. I – I see you, Satoshi, all of you, and this is you. It would be so easy for you to be so single-minded – most brilliant people are – but you… you use your powers for good. You’re so passionate – and you’ve got this laser focus – but you’re also so kind and generous and patient.
The attention you pay to what people need – the way you carve out space for them – the way you turn that laser focus on them – I don’t know if you understand what a rare, special quality that is.
How rare and special you are. And how – how – how… ’
‘How what?’ he asked, when the moment had stretched out a little too long.
‘How privileged I feel, to be seen by you.’
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself.
‘You’ve always seen me,’ I said. ‘Not just the kids’ mum, or the idiot who didn’t realise her husband had a whole other life, or a disappointment of a daughter, or a sister who might never measure up to her brothers.
Whenever you look at me, I feel like – Fiona. ’
I closed my eyes for a second, before opening them again. If I was going to do this – if I was going to attempt this absurd leap – if I was going to get this carried away – I needed to look at him.
‘I know I don’t have much to offer,’ I said. ‘I’m a mess. My life is a mess. But if I try and wait until it’s not a mess anymore, I’ll be waiting forever, and I’m so sick of being frozen in place.’
‘Fiona,’ Satoshi said, ‘what are you saying?’
‘That I want to explore this… thing we have. Properly. For real.’
For a long moment, there was silence. I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I could hear my own heartbeat, racing in my ears.
‘I’m not suggesting that I be – like, your girlfriend or anything.
’ The word girlfriend felt uncomfortable the second it came out of my mouth, a too-small dress which clung in all the wrong places.
‘I mean, fuck, I’ve been divorced for – what, three hours?
But I – I want more than what we’ve been doing.
More than friends with benefits. Not… casual. ’
There was a long pause before he spoke again. ‘The way I feel about you, Fiona,’ he said at last, voice low, ‘has never been casual.’
‘We would still have to go slow.’ I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth, trying not to get too far ahead of myself.
‘Not that – I don’t want to go back to only kissing, but – in terms of a…
relationship, we would need to go slow. It’s not that I’m not over Matt – I am, trust me – but it’s still so soon. ’
‘Of course.’
‘So I totally understand that I might be asking too much. I’m not the only one with needs, and your needs matter too, Satoshi. I know you have them, and it would make me sick to think you were denying yourself because of me. So if this isn’t what you want, that’s obviously completely fine, and—’
‘Come here.’
I slid off my barstool and went behind the bar.
Satoshi grabbed me by the waist and set me on top of it, stepping between my parted knees. ‘There is nothing you can ask of me,’ he said fiercely, holding my face tight between both his hands, ‘that I don’t want to give you, Fiona.’
It was different between us this time. It started hurried and frantic, mouths hot and hard and hungry against each other, even his deft fingers slipping as he untied the sash of my dress again.
I wrapped my legs tight around his hips and clawed at him, trying to get closer, but after I knocked a bowl of citrus off the counter with a flailing hand, sending lemons and limes bouncing to the ground and making us both laugh, it slowed down.
Our foreheads stayed pressed together as we touched each other, breathy gasps and sighs co-mingling.
‘Are you sure?’ he asked, when I told him to get a condom. ‘We went so hard before. I don’t want to hurt you.’
I kissed him. ‘You won’t.’
He probably would. It was easy to make promises, and harder to keep them. He was beautiful and brilliant and one day he was going to wake up and want more than me. It was foolish of me, to put myself in a position where I could get hurt again.
But maybe, I thought, clutching at his hair and pressing my lips to his pulse point as he moved inside me, it would be worth it. Because even if he did hurt me in the end, I would have these memories of him, precious and perfect – something I did just for myself.
‘Can I ask one more thing?’ I asked afterwards, as we held each other close, trying to catch our breath.
‘Of course.’ Satoshi reached over and snagged the sake carafe and our cups, handing me mine. ‘Anything.’
‘Do you mind if we keep this to ourselves?’
He had been about to refill my cup, but he stilled. ‘You want it to be a secret?’
‘Not a secret, exactly. But for a while, can this just be… ours?’
I stroked the side of his face. ‘Everything’s so simple, when it’s just you and me,’ I whispered. ‘And I have the kids to think about. They’ve already been through so much upheaval, and they’re about to go through more, seeing Matt again. I…’
‘You have to be careful.’
I nodded, grateful that he didn’t make me spell it out. ‘So can it just be us for a bit? Before we throw the world at it?’
Satoshi took a long breath and let it out slowly before he answered.
‘Of course, Fiona,’ he said. ‘Whatever you want. Whatever you need. Whatever you can offer – I want it.’