Chapter Sixteen Satoshi #2
‘Give me two seconds to get these drinks, and I’ll walk you down.’ If I walked them down, then Fiona and I could walk back alone, and maybe five minutes with her would make everything all right. ‘What can I get you, Lex?’
‘Hmmm?’ They were already absorbed in the bookshelves.
Once I had her father, Jonah and Lex set up, I led Fiona, her mother, and her daughters down the path from the cellar door to the B&B. ‘This is where my mum lives,’ I explained to the twins. ‘She’s going to help you and your aunts and your grandma out today.’
‘You need to be on your best behaviour, all right, girly-pops?’ Fiona said as I rapped on the open door to let Okāsan know we’d arrived. ‘I know it’s very exciting, but don’t get so excited that—’
‘—we’re all tired out by the wedding,’ Georgia replied long-sufferingly. ‘We know, Mummy.’
Okāsan appeared in the hallway. ‘Okaeri, Sato.’ She patted my arm before turning to everyone else. ‘And welcome.’
‘This is the rest of the bridal party,’ I said. ‘These are the flower girls, Rosie and Georgia. And this is—’
‘—Angela,’ Mrs Fisher said. ‘Mother of the groom. Thank you for hosting us.’
‘My sons did all the work.’ Okāsan patted my arm again. ‘And this is…?’
‘I’m Fiona.’ Fiona extended her hand for Okāsan to shake. ‘Thank you for so much for all your help, Mrs Tsukamoto. If the girls get too rowdy, please don’t hesitate to call me. My mother has my number.’
‘I also raised three children, honey,’ her mother said. ‘The girls and I are going to be fine.’
‘Let me show you to your room,’ Okāsan said. ‘It was nice to meet you, Fiona.’
Her hand was still on my arm, and as she squeezed slightly, it was obvious that she’d put two and two together. My mother knew exactly who Fiona was.
‘You too,’ Fiona replied, thankfully not reading the subtext.
Mrs Fisher followed Okāsan down the hall, Georgia behind her, but Rosie lingered on the doorstep. ‘Mummy?’
‘Yes?’ Fiona asked. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing. It’s just…’
Rosie’s chin was quivering when she finally got the words out, an explosion of a sentence that happened all at once. ‘Would Daddy really ask Nikki to be his flower girl?’
‘Oh, Rosie-girl.’ Fiona knelt down swiftly. ‘That’s not something you need to worry about, okay? Daddy isn’t even planning to have a wedding, not right now.’
‘But what if he did? He already lives with the other lady and the other kids. And today – and today—’ Rosie gulped. ‘Today is the most important day of my life. And Daddy’s not here.’
For a moment, a shadow of the betrayal Fiona must have felt penetrated the fog in my brain. How could anyone ever walk away from this little girl?
Fiona smoothed Rosie’s hair away from her face. ‘I know you miss him, honeybun. But we’ll take so many pictures and videos for him, okay? He won’t miss a thing.’
‘I’ll tell you what.’ I crouched beside Fiona. ‘How about I take charge of filming? I’ll get there early, and I’ll push everyone out of the way, like this—’ I mimed shoving people aside ‘—and I’ll find the best seat in the wedding, so I can take the greatest flower girl video ever.’
Rosie looked at me for a long moment. My heart thumped in my chest, so loudly she and Fiona could probably hear it.
But then her face crumpled. ‘It’s not the same!’
Fiona put her arms around her. ‘Go,’ she mouthed, nodding with her head back up towards the main building, as Rosie sobbed into her shoulder.
It was the mildest possible dismissal, and it felt like getting kicked in the stomach.
My feet were heavy every step back up to the cellar door, but even once I’d arrived, I made myself keep moving. If I stopped, the fog would crowd in even heavier, and I might drown.
I’d hauled six cases up from the cellar and started re-organising the fridges for service when Fiona finally reappeared. ‘Hi,’ she said wearily, leaning her elbows against the bar.
‘Hi. Is everything…?’
She nodded. ‘I got her calmed down.’
‘Sorry for interfering. I was just trying to help.’
‘It’s not your fault, don’t worry. There are no magic words you can say to a child to make them feel better in a situation like this.’ Fiona exhaled. ‘It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to learn, as a parent. Sometimes you can’t make things better. Sometimes all you can do is be there.’
Go, I heard her saying, all over again.
There was a stone in my stomach as I said the only thing I could think of. ‘Can I pour you a drink?’
‘Please.’ She offered me a smile, although it was awkward rather than luminous. ‘Just one, though. I’m going to need my wits about me to keep Jonah together until he gets to the altar. I’ve never seen him like this.’
I took one of the bottles of sparkling I’d just brought up from the cellar out of the fridge.
‘He did look pale,’ I commented, trying to keep my voice light.
If I could make things sound like they were all right, then maybe I could make them all right.
‘I hope he’s not coming down with – shit, shit, sorry! ’
I’d clearly agitated the sparkling too much when I’d carried it up, and my hand must have slipped when I was uncorking it, because instead of the usual noiseless hiss, the bottle opened with an enormous bang, spraying wine over us both.
‘Oh my god, Fiona, I’m so sorry!’ Blood burned in my cheeks as I passed her a napkin.
‘It’s fine, don’t worry.’ Fiona mopped at the damp patch on her shirt. ‘I’m about to change out of these clothes anyway. Besides, it happens to all the guys.’
‘Not to me! Do you know how many bottles of sparkling I’ve opened in my career? God, if I fuck up like this in—’
‘It was a joke, Satoshi!’
She held up her hands. ‘It was a joke,’ she repeated. ‘Not a very good joke, granted, given our problem seems to be the opposite – oh god, Fiona, shut up shut up shut up.’
She closed her eyes. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have even brought it up. I just – I thought – maybe if we made a joke of it, then—’
Something in me sagged. ‘Come here?’
Fiona opened one of her eyes, peeking at me. I held out a hand to her. ‘Please?’
She paused for a moment, during which I died a thousand different deaths, but then she came around the bar. ‘Sorry.’ Her voice was muffled in my shoulder as she wrapped her arms around my waist. ‘I’m the worst.’
‘Yesterday wasn’t your fault.’ I pressed my lips to her temple, resisting the urge to do what I actually wanted, which was crush her to me, sink to the floor, and not let go for several hours. ‘Please tell me you know that.’
She nodded, her hair silky against my cheek. ‘You were tired. I know. I just…’
‘You just what?’ I kissed her temple again.
She drew back, so she could look me in the eye. ‘If you, um… ever decide you… that this isn’t working for you – that it isn’t what you want – you’ll tell me, right?’
I blinked. ‘What?’
‘It’s all right.’ Her fingers slid up my chest to curl into my lapels. ‘I’m tough. I can handle it. I know I – I come with a lot of baggage, and there might be… things you want that I can’t give you.’
‘Fiona, all I want is you.’
Her throat moved as she swallowed.
‘Yesterday wasn’t about me not wanting you.’ I framed her face between my hands. ‘It was just one of those days.’
‘I know. But…’
‘But?’ I prompted her, when the silence stretched on too long.
‘Will you promise me anyway?’
Her fingers curled tighter into my lapels. ‘You’re so young, Satoshi. You’ve got so much ahead of you – and I don’t want to limit you. I don’t want to tie you down.’
Another kick, directly to the stomach. You’re too young. You’re clearly not ready to be a stepfather.
‘I want to tie you down.’
I’d meant it sincerely, but the expression on her face made me swiftly walk it back. ‘You enjoyed it last time.’ I brushed my lips against hers, a rock in my throat. ‘Remember?’
She made a sound, somewhere between amusement and exasperation. ‘I’m being serious, though.’
A third kick to the stomach, even harder this time. How am I ever meant to take you seriously?
‘I have some… sensitivities,’ she said. ‘About being with someone who wants something else, while I have no idea. So please – promise me? That if you want to end this – that if you decide you want someone else – something else – you’ll tell me?’
There was only one thing I could say.
‘Yes,’ I told her, even though the words felt like the most astringent, heavy tannins in my mouth. ‘I promise.’