Chapter Nineteen Fiona
Tasting today: water.
Eventually, the party is over, and you need to be sensible again.
I ran.
I ran the way I had the night Matt told me about Laura, not thinking, only feeling, my racing heart the only thing faster than my feet.
I ran from the library, from the crumpled form of the beautiful man on the floor, from his brother looking me in the eye and snarling, Everyone in the fucking world knows he’s love with you, Fiona, now get out.
I ran from the way he’d gone sheet-white, the way he’d pressed his face into my knees, clutched so tight at my fingers it felt like they might break. I ran from the awful, horrible moment his eyes had glassed over and he’d slumped sideways, and I ran from the words he’d said before it happened.
I love you.
The heavy front door thumped closed behind me, shutting the merry chatter of the reception away. It was quiet in the carpark, and I bent down, putting my hands on my knees and trying to get some air into my lungs.
Some animal instinct was telling me to get into my car and drive.
To not stop until I got to Tsundoku, that one constant, that one safe, stable place.
To rap on the door until Satoshi answered, until he put his arms around me and held me close and whispered into my hair that it was all right, that he had me.
But he wouldn’t be there. Because he was inside, on the floor, and – oh god oh god oh god.
I squeezed my eyes tight shut. ‘You did the right thing,’ I whispered to myself.
The way he’d looked at me.
‘You did the right thing.’
The way Isamu had looked at me, like I’d driven a knife right through his brother’s heart.
‘You did the right thing.’
The stabbing pain in my own heart, the breath that would not come no matter how hard I tried.
‘Fiona?’
I straightened, digging my fingernails into the palm of my hand. ‘Just getting some air, Mum,’ I forced out. ‘I’ll be back in in a minute.’
‘You missed your best man speech.’
Fuck. ‘I – uh—’
‘Have been crying?’ My mother laid a hand on my back. ‘I’m so sorry for what your father said, honey.’
I barely remembered it now. There’d been Elias’s announcement – I vaguely recalled a sickening realisation that he’d almost certainly given up academia so he could help out with the kids, another brother making a huge sacrifice on my behalf – and then my dad, unable to resist pitting his children against each other, had taken some potshot at me in his toast, one that had tipped me over the edge and sent me fleeing, but it had all blended together, a background blur of guilt and humiliation.
Satoshi, though, was in sharp focus.
I love you. He’d sounded so desperate. I love you.
‘I’m sorry that I didn’t stand up to him.’ Mum rubbed her hand comfortingly between my shoulder blades. ‘I should have, but – well, I’ve never been very good at that.’
She nudged me. ‘Not like you.’
I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth.
‘I hope you know how proud I am of you, honey.’
‘Thanks, Mum,’ I said hollowly.
‘I mean it.’ She hesitated. ‘I know what it’s like, to be married to a – a big man.
Someone who takes up a lot of space, who makes you feel like you have to shrink yourself, to mould yourself around him, to fit only in the gaps he leaves you.
And even though that’s not always pleasant, I…
well, I can only imagine what it feels like not to have it anymore. ’
I did the right thing. I did the right thing. I could not do to Satoshi what Matt had done to me. I would not force him into a box that was too small for him, when he deserved everything he wanted.
It would have only hurt more the longer I left it – but, oh god, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt.
Mum put her arm around me. ‘It must have taken incredible strength, Fiona,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m so, so proud of you.’
I nodded. If I tried to say anything, I was going to scream, or cry, or throw up, or all three, all at the same time.
We stood there in silence for a long moment, the chorus of the crickets and the muffled merriment from inside the only sounds. When Mum spoke again, her tone was conversational. ‘I thought your article about this place was brilliant, by the way.’
I startled. ‘What – how did you…?’
‘Imagine my surprise when I googled the place my son was getting married and the second result was an article by my daughter.’ Mum nudged me again.
‘Fiona Fisher, New Viniferous Voices winner. I wish you’d told me.
I would have put it on my Facebook. And I will, when I get home.
Every new piece you put out, I’m going to make sure everyone I know reads it. ’
‘That’s okay. You don’t—’
‘Everyone. Including your father. And if he doesn’t tell you he’s proud of you, then he can start sleeping in his office. Because it’s a beautiful piece, Fiona. There’s so much love in it and – oh, honey, don’t cry.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I wiped my face with the back of my hand. ‘I – um – it’s just – that’s really nice, Mum, and – sorry.’
‘Sit down.’ Mum pushed me gently in the direction of a large rock near the front door. ‘I’ll go and get you some water.’
She disappeared back inside. I tilted my head back and looked up at the stars, heart pounding painfully.
I loved him too. There was no denying that. Somewhere along the way, I’d fallen in love with Satoshi Tsukamoto.
I loved him, so I couldn’t keep him. He would never be the one to break it off, so I had to be the strong one.
But the look on his face – the desperation in his voice – the way he’d gone so terrifyingly limp when he fainted…
I pulled out my phone, took a long, shaking breath, and called him.
Unsurprisingly, he didn’t answer, so I dug through my emails until I found Isamu’s number. ‘It’s Fiona – don’t hang up,’ I blurted out, when he answered. ‘I just want to know if he’s all right.’
There was a short pause before Isamu spoke. ‘He’ll be fine,’ he said, voice clipped. ‘We’re at the hospital. The doctor’s with him now, but it looks like it was a panic attack, coupled with exhaustion. He’s been working too hard.’
Mum reappeared beside me, glass of water in hand and a quizzical look on her face, but I held up a finger, telling her to wait. ‘Is there anything I can do?’
‘No,’ Isamu said. ‘You’ve done enough.’