Chapter Twenty-One Fiona #2
‘Of course,’ she replied. ‘Where are you going?’
‘I, uh…’ I swallowed again. ‘I need to do something for myself.’
‘Good.’ Mum smiled at me, caressing my arm affectionately. ‘I’m proud of you, Fiona.’
Isamu was behind the bar when I pushed open the door to Tsundoku. ‘What do you want, Fiona?’
Satoshi had complained to me before about his brother’s penetrating stare, but I’d never been on the receiving end of it before. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to turn on my heel and flee.
But I wasn’t going to run and hide, not this time. ‘Can I please see him?’
‘He’s upstairs resting.’
‘I’m not here to disturb him. I just want to talk.’
Isamu folded his muscular arms across his chest and said nothing.
It was like standing in the face of an oncoming blizzard. ‘Please?’
His nostrils flared, and several long moments passed before he spoke. ‘All right.’ He jerked his head towards the corridor. ‘But if you upset him, Fiona, I will ban you from this bar for life, no matter what he says.’
I nodded. ‘I won’t. I promise.’
I took the steps up to Satoshi’s studio two at a time, half-desperate to see him, half-convinced Isamu was going to change his mind and haul me back downstairs.
At the top, though, I paused, pressing a hand to my beating heart.
You’ll be all right, Fiona, I told myself.
No matter what happens, you’ll be all right.
I exhaled slowly and knocked.
‘Dōzo!’ Satoshi called.
I wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, but I steeled myself and pushed the door open anyway. ‘Hi,’ I said hesitantly. ‘Can I – you can say no, obviously, I totally understand that you might not want to see me, but… can I come in?’
I didn’t quite know what to do with the way he was looking at me – startled, scared, like he’d seen a ghost, but there was something else in the cocktail too, like it was a ghost he was at least a little bit happy to see. ‘Of course.’
I toed off my shoes, setting them on the spot that had become mine on his shoe rack. ‘Thank you.’
Satoshi was sitting on his bed, on top of the covers.
He was wearing black satin pyjama pants with a white T-shirt, Yquem sprawled over his knees.
There was only a water glass on his bedside table, no wineglasses, but one of his theory binders was open beside him.
His hair was messier than usual – no product in it – and he ran his hand through it.
‘Hi,’ he said. ‘Can I get you anything?’
‘Absolutely not.’ I couldn’t figure out where to sit – the couch seemed too far away, the bed too familiar, so I settled for hovering awkwardly somewhere between. ‘If I let you move a muscle, Isamu will throw me into the river.’
He chuckled, brief, mostly humourless. ‘I take it he read you the riot act.’
‘Yes.’
‘If it’s any comfort, it’s not really about you.’ He ran his hand through his hair again. ‘He was with our father when his heart gave out. Seeing me pass out was a bit triggering for him, and – oh, Fiona.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I wiped furiously at the tears beading in my eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, Satoshi.’
‘Come here?’ He held out his arms to me.
I hesitated. ‘You really want me to?’
He nodded. ‘Please just let me hold you.’
There was no version of me, no matter how iron-willed, that ever would have been able to say no. I went to him, burrowing into the safety of his embrace.
We sat together for a long moment in silence.
Usually, when we were cuddled together like this, we were always moving, always touching – his fingers tracing circles on my bare skin, mine combing through his hair – but this time, we were still.
The only motion was our shared breathing, the only sound a heartbeat, although I wasn’t sure if it was his or mine.
‘I’m too scared to say anything,’ Satoshi admitted at last. ‘I’m worried if I do, it’ll be the wrong thing, and you’ll leave again.’
‘You should want me to.’
‘Fiona—’
‘You should. I’ve been awful to you.’ I turned my face into his shoulder. ‘Why didn’t you tell me how bad things were getting?’
He sighed.
‘I knew you were having a rough few weeks. I knew you were tired. But I didn’t know you were so exhausted that…’ I bit the inside of my cheek. ‘You don’t know how scary it was when you just went down like that.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He stroked my hair. ‘I didn’t mean to frighten you. It was… you know I’ve got a history of panic attacks. And I’ve been – I’ve just been a bit… overwhelmed.’
‘And I’ve been making it worse.’
‘Fiona, no.’
‘Yes. I have.’
I made myself sit up straight. If I let myself fall into him, I wouldn’t have the strength to walk away, and if that was what was best for him – even if it wasn’t what either of us wanted – that was what I was going to have to do.
‘Before you fainted,’ I said, ‘you said something to me. That you could be whatever I needed.’
Satoshi’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.
‘But – and I need you to be honest, not just tell me what you think I want to hear – what do you need? Because if you’re so exhausted you’re fainting and so stressed you’re having panic attacks and I don’t even know about it – if I’m part of the problem, and not the solution – you’re not getting it. ’
I took one of his hands in mine. ‘I love you too, Satoshi,’ I said softly. ‘But – oh.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He took off his glasses and wiped his eyes with his wrist. ‘I just… I’ve loved you for so long, Fiona, and I never thought you’d ever say that to me.’
‘I do.’ I pressed my lips to his knuckles. ‘I love you. So much that it really, really frightens me, because I can’t be with you, not if it’s going to hurt you.’
‘You won’t.’
I gestured to him. ‘Look at what I did to you.’
‘You didn’t. This is—’
I put my finger to his lips. ‘I didn’t help,’ I said. ‘So – please, tell me what you need.’
He was silent for a while before he spoke. ‘I need to feel like I’m enough for you.’
I bit back my first response, which was to fling myself at him and tell him that of course he was, he was more than I could ever, ever deserve. ‘Will you tell me what that means? What that looks like?’
‘I need to be able to hold your hand in public,’ he said. ‘I need to be able to kiss you where people can see. I – I don’t want to be in the closet with you, Fiona. I need you to be able to introduce me to people and say this is my partner, not I can explain.’
Oh shit. That was what I’d said to Michelle the night she’d caught us beside the bins, wasn’t it?
‘I know I’m younger than you,’ he went on. ‘And I know how I look, with the glasses and the hair and the pins – like I’m not… not a serious person. But I am serious, Fiona. I’m so serious about you, and I don’t want you to – I need you not to hide me away.’
I closed my eyes. ‘Oh, Satoshi,’ I said. ‘Satoshi, I’m so sorry.’
He let out a long breath. ‘No, I’m sorry,’ he said quietly. ‘I understand why you need to – that it’s complicated, with the kids, and—’
‘No, no, that’s not what I mean.’ I opened them again. ‘I’m so sorry I made you feel that way. Like I was… ashamed of you.’
I kissed his knuckles again. ‘Because I’m not,’ I said.
‘Yes, I’ve been worried about what people would say, but not because of you.
Because of me. Look at Fiona, hooking up with someone way out of her league.
She’s just going to get her heart broken again, because there’s no way someone like her can be what someone like him needs. And…’
I wanted to close my eyes while I said what I had to say next, but I made myself keep them open. I owed him that much. ‘And they might not be wrong. I might not have been wrong either, the other night. Even if we tell the whole world about us, I don’t know if I can give you what you need.’
‘What I need is you, Fiona.’ It was Satoshi’s turn to kiss my hand. ‘Just you.’
‘But can I really make you happy?’
I pulled my hand away and crossed my legs under me so we weren’t touching.
If he touched me, I might melt, and I needed to be strong.
This was not the kind of thing that could be fixed with a conversation, a few words that could paper over a misunderstanding and make it all right.
He had put his heart in my hands, and I had a responsibility to treat it with care and respect.
‘You deserve the very best, Satoshi,’ I said. ‘You deserve someone who can make you their whole world, who can meet you on your level, and I just – can’t. The boundaries of my world were set a long time ago. And I… I know you want kids, and I – I really don’t know if I can do that again.’
He opened his mouth to respond, but I held up a finger. ‘I know what you’re going to say. It doesn’t matter, that you want me anyway, but—’
‘No, actually.’
I blinked.
‘I was going to say,’ he said, ‘that this is why I fell in love with you.’
He carded his fingers through Yquem’s golden hair. ‘Your first instinct, always, is kindness. To put the needs of everyone around you before your own. I should have anticipated this, really – that you’d try and break up with me for my own good.’
Yquem mewed, nuzzling her head into his hand.
He scratched behind her ear. ‘If you won’t be selfish, then I will.
I want you, Fiona. I love you. And we are going to be together, because I’m going to be miserable if we’re not, which will probably mean me working myself to death – and you wouldn’t want that, would you? ’
My laugh was short, sharp, surprised.
‘This is where you say, “It’s your bar, Satoshi”,’ he said, winking. ‘ “You’re the boss.” ’
‘It’s not that simple, though.’ I let out a long breath. ‘The kids thing. That’s not just going to go away.’
‘Where has this come from?’ He nudged me gently with his knee. ‘We’ve never talked about kids.’
‘Kieran. I went to him for a massage – long story – and he told me.’ I bit my lip. ‘I’ve been too scared to ask you about it. I love being with you so much, and I was terrified of your answer.’
‘I get it.’ His voice was soft. ‘I’ve been terrified to tell you how I really feel about you. How much I love you. I’ve been so frightened that if I let it slip before you were ready to hear it, I’d scare you away.’