Epilogue Fiona
Rosé is renowned for being simple and easy, but this wine is all the more compelling and captivating for being complex.
‘Mummy, Satoshi, are you going to bring us home any presents?’ Georgia demanded. She and Rosie were sitting on either side of Lex, squished in tight to fit in frame on the laptop screen.
‘There might be one or two things in my suitcase for you.’ I wrinkled my nose at her.
Satoshi had been neck-deep in study for the first few days we’d been in Paris, preparing for his MS theory exam, but I’d made him take an afternoon off to go strolling around Montmartre, and we’d picked up several little gifts for the kids.
‘But tell me what you’ve been doing. Have you been having fun with Uncle Jonah and Auntie Sadie? ’
The girls nodded. The kids had spent the first week of mine and Satoshi’s two-week trip to France with Elias, who’d been living with us for nearly six months now, but he’d had to go on a business trip this week, so Jonah and Sadie had taken over.
‘We made crepes for dinner!’ Rosie said.
‘Uncle Jonah said you and Satoshi were probably eating lots of them, so he helped us make them so we could be French too.’
‘Uncle Jonah’s very smart,’ Satoshi said. Even though the European summer had made it a little too warm in our un-airconditioned hotel room, he had his arm draped over my shoulder, fingers brushing my sleeve. ‘That’s exactly what we’re going to do today.’
‘Madison’s mum said she was so jealous of you, Mummy,’ Rosie remarked. ‘When we were at soccer training, she said she wished she had a boyfriend who would take her to Paris.’
It was impossible to resist the urge to lean into Satoshi, so I didn’t. ‘I’m very, very lucky,’ I said, as he turned his head so he could kiss my temple.
‘How did your exam go, Satoshi?’ Lex asked. ‘It was yesterday, right? Did you pass?’
Satoshi grinned. ‘I sure did, pal. All that study you and your mum helped me with really paid off.’
We’d spent many nights studying together: at his place if it was a Thursday, at mine if it wasn’t.
Lex and I had both been drilling flashcards with him, from which Lex had retained a frightening amount of information – they’ll be able to pass the MS before they ever take their first sip of wine at this rate, Satoshi had murmured, late on one of the first nights he’d stayed over, god, they’re smart, my love – and it had paid off.
He’d emerged from his one-hour oral examination yesterday with a huge smile on his face.
‘And how about you, Mum?’ Lex asked.
‘I passed too.’ I picked up my shiny new Certified Sommelier pin from the bedside table and showed it to them. ‘And I got to interview some really cool French winemakers for my next article.’
My column had proved to be a hit. I had no idea you could write like this, Fi, Jonah had told me, after I’d finally got up the nerve to put my Bibliophile piece in our siblings group chat. You’ve got a real talent.
I might have believed he was humouring me – Fisher family trauma ran deep – but the numbers didn’t lie.
I was now officially on staff for the website, and I’d been approached by some other wine magazines to write for them too.
While they didn’t pay much, my trip to France had been partially subsidised by one of them: Satoshi and I were heading off to Jura tomorrow so I could profile some emerging cult vineyards.
My new qualification – the next step up from the introductory course I’d done last year – hadn’t been subsidised, but when I’d decided to do it, Mum had helped me out, paying for half of it.
Having you around to answer all my questions is great, and I’ve learnt so much from helping you study, but I need to improve my baseline knowledge if I’m really going to be a wine writer, I’d told Satoshi.
Plus, it’ll mean I can help you out in the bar sometimes.
That was what we were going to do when we got home.
Satoshi had a very capable junior somm in Theo – and Charlotte, after some hesitation, had decided to study for her Certified exam too – but he was going to start training me as well so he had extra cover if he needed it in a pinch.
You can’t give me any special treatment, I’d warned him, as we lay together in bed.
If I do things wrong, you have to tell me.
I’ll tell you, don’t worry. He nuzzled my hair, fingers snaking up my inner thigh. I’ll save the special treatment for right… here.
Once we’d finished talking to the kids and they’d run off to play with the puppy, Jonah and Sadie sat down in front of the laptop. ‘So,’ Jonah said, ‘we have something we need to tell you.’
A hundred different awful scenarios unspooled immediately in my mind. ‘Is everyone okay? Is it Elias, or Mum, or—’
‘Nothing like that!’ Jonah held up his hands. ‘The opposite, actually.’
He and Sadie looked at each other, and, like it always did when his attention was focused solely on his wife, something in my brother softened. ‘We’re having a baby.’
‘Oh my god, Jonah!’ I wanted to leap to my feet, to hug them both, but given we were on the other side of the world, all I could do was press my hands to my heart. ‘Congratulations!’
‘It’s early days,’ Sadie said. ‘I only just hit twelve weeks. You’re actually the first people we’ve told.’
‘Congratulations,’ Satoshi said. ‘I’ll revise all the non-alco options we have at Tsundoku the second I get back – make sure we’ve got the very best for you while you can’t drink.’
‘Thanks, Satoshi,’ Sadie replied. ‘And – Fiona, do you mind if you and I have a quick chat on our own? I have a few questions about… you know, mum stuff.’
‘Sure.’
Jonah kissed Sadie’s cheek, waved goodbye, then disappeared off screen. ‘I’ll go sit in the cafe downstairs,’ Satoshi told me. ‘Meet me there when you’re finished?’
I nodded. ‘See you soon.’
When the door had snicked shut behind him, I turned back to the laptop. ‘Okay, hit me,’ I said. ‘What do you need to know?’
‘Fiona, I’m terrified,’ Sadie said. ‘Terrified. Jonah and I have talked about having kids, but, like, at some point in the future, not now. But then this just happened, and… I’m happy, of course I’m happy, but I’m so unbelievably shit-scared.’
She let out a long, shaking breath. ‘I have no idea how to be a mother. Mine died when I was a teenager, and it wasn’t like she was doing much parenting before that.
And sure, Jonah and I look after your kids a lot, but they’re – you know, people.
I’ve never been around babies. What the fuck do I know about looking after one? ’
‘Sadie, it’s going to be okay. I promise.’
I shifted position on the bed, crossing my legs underneath me. ‘I know it’s scary. I remember when I got pregnant with Lex – I felt exactly the same. But it’s going to be okay. Jonah will be there with you every step of the way.’
‘I know he will. But… I can talk to him about being scared, and he’ll do his best, but he can’t really understand it.
Like, the visceral reality of it. There’s this – thing – growing inside me, and most of me is excited about it, but – what’s it going to do to me?
What if it rips my body apart and I never really heal properly?
And what am I going to do to it? What if I do the wrong thing or eat the wrong thing and I fuck it up before it’s even born?
Not to mention all the ways I could fuck it up after it’s born – god, there are so many of those. ’
‘The fear’s natural. I’m afraid for my kids every single second. It’s terrifying, having your heart live outside of you like that. I’m not going to tell you not to be scared.’
Sadie’s throat bobbed on the screen as she swallowed, eyes closing.
‘But you’re not alone,’ I said. ‘You’ve got Jonah, and you’ve got Chess, and you’ve got a whole family around you that are going to love this baby so much and give you more help than you could ever possibly want. And – look at me.’
She obeyed, her face pale.
‘Whenever you’re freaking out,’ I told her, ‘whenever you need advice from someone who’s been through it before – whenever you need the kind of help that only another parent can provide – you always, always have me, okay? I’ve got you.’
Satoshi had a glass of Bandol rosé in front of him when I made my way down to the cafe, the bottle in an ice bucket. ‘How’s Sadie?’ he asked, pouring a glass for me.
‘Panicking.’ I slid into the chair beside him. ‘But she’ll be okay. Cheers.’
‘Cheers. To your new nibling.’
I clinked my glass against his, looking him in the eye, unable, as usual, to not smile at him. We’d been together for nearly nine months now and I didn’t know if I ever would stop smiling. ‘To our new nibling,’ I said, ‘Uncle Sato.’
He grinned. ‘I like the sound of that.’
We both drank, the wine fresh and crisp and surprisingly complex, raspberries and cherries and roses on the palate. ‘Will the kids be excited to have a cousin?’ Satoshi asked.
‘So excited. Georgia especially. She’s enthralled by Matt’s boys, so having a baby around that she actually gets to see and hold more than once a month will be thrilling.’
‘That tracks.’ He sipped his rosé. ‘She’s been making some very pointed suggestions lately.’
I looked at him.
‘ “Satoshi, I’ve had a great idea,” he said, pitching his voice a little higher. ‘ “What if Mummy had another baby and you could be their daddy?” ’
I closed my eyes, but there was no way to stop the blood rushing to my face. ‘Sorry.’
‘Don’t apologise.’ He kissed the tip of my nose. ‘And I was very diplomatic, don’t worry. No promises were made.’
‘I would think about it,’ I blurted out.
He looked at me for a few moments. ‘Fiona,’ he said at last, ‘what are you trying to say?’
‘I would think about it,’ I repeated. ‘Having a baby. With you.’
I took another sip of my wine to gather my thoughts.
‘After the twins, I never thought I’d want to have another baby.
I still don’t exactly want to – my writing career’s just beginning to take off, and it’s finally starting to feel like things are stable again, and throwing another child into that would be a lot.
But it’s not just about me, and… if you wanted to, Satoshi, I would think about it.
I would really, really think about it. Whether my body would be capable of it is another matter – I’m not getting any younger – but it wouldn’t be an automatic no. Not with you.’
Satoshi stroked some hair behind my ear. ‘I love you, Fiona.’
‘I love you too.’
‘I’d love to have a baby with you someday.’ He leaned over and kissed me. ‘And if we did, it wouldn’t all be on you. We’d work out how to manage it with both our careers. But if we don’t, it’s not going to break my heart.’
I hesitated. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’ He laced his fingers through mine. ‘If we made Georgia’s wildest dreams come true and gave the kids a baby sibling, that would be wonderful, but if we don’t, it doesn’t matter. If I get to have you, and I get to have them, then I have everything I need.’
‘Do you want to move in?’
He blinked.
‘I want that too,’ I said. ‘A life with you: you, and me, and the kids – and Yquem, of course, and probably Elias too, given he’s shown no desire to move out of my spare room.’ I squeezed his fingers. ‘So how about we take the next step?’
Satoshi kissed my knuckles.
Then he topped up our glasses and looked me in the eye as he held his up. ‘My love,’ he said, ‘I’ll drink to that.’