Chapter Five
Phoenix used Shay’s shirt as a pillow. The scent of his cologne didn’t dim no matter how many tears Phoenix spilled onto the material.
He hadn’t moved beyond picking up the shirt since Shay left.
His thoughts were so scattered that they no longer made sense.
That was almost a relief, considering how ugly his mind could be.
One thing stood out, though. He shouldn’t have come back here.
Over the past five years, Phoenix had let himself forget how deeply he felt about Shay.
The pain had numbed just enough to trick him into thinking he could handle this.
No. He was no stronger now than he had been when he had dragged a piece of his shattered mirror down his wrists.
Some things time couldn’t heal, it seemed.
His bedroom door opened, and Yaro stepped inside. Phoenix was too broken to even acknowledge him.
Yaro climbed onto the bed and pulled Phoenix into his arms. As much as Phoenix wanted to cry even harder, he was too weak from his nonstop despair.
“Tell me, sweet angel.”
“He knows.”
Yaro rubbed his back. “I imagine that didn’t go well.”
A humorless laugh burst from Phoenix. “Nope.”
Yaro pressed his lips to Phoenix’s forehead. For a moment, they stayed like that in silence.
Phoenix couldn’t take it. “He said I should’ve come back here and killed him instead.”
Yaro blew out a sigh. “So he doesn’t know it all, then.”
Even though it hadn’t been a question, Phoenix shook his head. “Once again, I was too weak to say anything I should.”
“Do you intend a second performance?”
Phoenix didn’t even need to think about it. “No. I can’t hurt him like that.”
“Do you plan to only cry about it, or do you want to fix it?”
Despite the situation, Phoenix smiled. “I intend to cry about it. Was that not obvious?”
Yaro pulled away enough to meet his stare.
“You are much stronger than you’re pretending to be.
That boy loves you. He hasn’t gone on a single date or even looked anyone else’s way.
Not before you left or after. He loves only you.
He’s upset. Don’t let that fester. How do you think I’ve put up with Pytor since we were sixteen?
I’m a big guy. Nothing stopped me from putting his thick head through a wall other than love and communication.
You will go make him see he was not the only one struggling mentally back then.
It’s not always easy to see past the pain to the other side, especially with the lives we live.
But you are strong and brave and meant to be with Shay.
You cry, shout, and rage, but you will do it with him.
If you go to him, you know he can’t throw you out. You are too precious to him.”
Phoenix sniffed. “I look so ugly now.” He almost started crying again at the thought.
Yaro laughed. “I’m willing to put a lot of money on Shay never thinking you’re anything other than the most beautiful man alive.” His voice hardened. “At least he’d better.”
The threat surprised a laugh from Phoenix. He sat up and wiped his eyes. A loud sigh burst from him. “I guess I should at least wash my face.”
Yaro rolled from the bed. “I’ll keep watch to make sure he doesn’t leave before you are ready. You’ve got this. He has always been yours. Don’t let him forget.”
Phoenix swiped his face again. “Thank you for checking on me. I’m sorry if I was crying so hard, I disturbed the household.”
Yaro gave him a funny look. “I didn’t know you were crying. Pytor saw Shay crying as he headed into his room. I knew immediately there was only one reason that boy would break down. He’s stayed too stoic for too many years to break now.”
A pain sliced through Phoenix’s chest. He couldn’t let Shay hurt alone. Phoenix couldn’t get to him fast enough.
A soft knock on his bedroom door had Shay biting back a growl. He yanked the door open, ready to harden his heart and send Phoenix on his way. He couldn’t believe Phoenix would even come after him.
Pytor stood on the other side, looking resigned. “I’m guessing Phoenix told you the real reason he disappeared.”
If Pytor had said anything else, Shay might have flown into a rage. Instead, he was just confused. What did he mean by real reason? Shay took a step back, silently inviting Pytor in.
Thankfully, Pytor didn’t wait for Shay to find a way to get Pytor talking without admitting he had no idea what he was talking about. “I guess that also means I owe you an apology.”
Pytor sat at the small table where Shay usually ate dinner.
Shay sat on the end of the bed. He absentmindedly grabbed the closest pillow and hugged it against his chest. His gaze never left Pytor.
Pytor kept going without encouragement. “When I found Phoenix with his wrists cut and not breathing, I felt a rage I haven’t in years. Standing this close to evil every day always leaves you one bad day away from snapping.”
Pytor had found Phoenix? Shay was so confused. Pytor swiped a shaky hand across his eyes, and Shay couldn’t even blink. His gaze wouldn’t waver from the giant who never showed weakness. He needed to know everything. Pytor didn’t let him down.
“If I hadn’t caught sight of something bright yellow as I patrolled past the garden, I wouldn’t have found him, and he wouldn’t have made it, but I was so fucking furious.
The helpless rage was like nothing I had felt in a long time.
I thought he was thriving. I thought you were thriving.
You two were the ones I worried about the least. The way you two leaned on each other reminded me so much of Yaro and me.
I just knew in my soul you two would be okay.
Then I found out that wasn’t the case at all.
I learned Phoenix was in love with you and you didn’t want him.
I saw all the years he had believed in you shattered, and it broke me.
So I’m the one who told him to walk away.
I’m the one who told him to follow his dream and let you go before the next attempt succeeded.
He had turned down the scholarship Zander offered to attend the Culinary Institute of America because it’s in New York and he couldn’t leave you.
I forced him to go. Still, he dug his heels in and refused until I swore no one would ever tell you what he had done.
He knew how you would react. I agreed. All of this is on me.
When he came back and I saw you two together again, I remembered all the reasons I believed so much in you two.
I could see him playing in the kitchen, bothering all the staff and trying to learn everything.
You stood guard through every second, eyeing every adult with suspicion and warning them with your eyes.
I see that in you still, and it breaks my heart to know you two have spent these last five years apart.
If you want to hate me now, I understand, but you both needed to heal, and you weren’t doing it by hanging on to each other. ”
Shay couldn’t see past the shock. He had thought Phoenix had simply run.
Not once had it occurred to him that he had been pushed to save himself.
Not one time had he even considered the remote possibility that he tried to take his own life and got sent away to save him…
from Shay. There were no words. His mind simply abandoned him—like it couldn’t get away fast enough.
Another soft knock cut through the air, and still Shay couldn’t do anything except stare at nothing.
Pytor stood and answered.
Phoenix stepped inside the room, and Pytor stepped out, closing them inside together alone.
Shay focused on Phoenix.
Phoenix’s eyes were bloodshot. He held Shay’s shirt. “I brought you your shirt. It’s a little wet. Sorry about that. I might’ve cried on it a little.”
Shay’s gaze dropped to the shirt. The material did look surprisingly wet. “It’s okay.” Was that his voice? He sounded as if he had gargled asphalt.
Phoenix put the shirt on the table, then clasped his hands like he had to hold something.
The move shifted something in Shay. Phoenix had tells and Shay knew every damn one.
He knew Phoenix better than everyone else on the planet.
Until that moment, Shay hadn’t realized exactly how deeply he had failed Phoenix.
He should have known Phoenix didn’t have the courage to simply walk away.
Shay should have looked deeper back then.
He had been so hurt that he couldn’t look past the pain of being abandoned.
All that shit had disappeared the moment Phoenix had returned.
He had seen him coming back as forgiveness—like they’d fought and Phoenix was finally over it.
That was how unnatural it was for them to be apart.
Things had always been so much worse, and now Shay didn’t know how he fit.
He wasn’t the rock anymore. Shay realized he had never been.
He had simply been the anchor holding Phoenix in place, slowly drowning him while Shay used him as a crutch. Now he was lost without his lifeline.
Phoenix shifted from foot to foot, making Shay realize how long they had stared at each other in silence.
“What now?”
At Shay’s question, Phoenix shifted uncomfortably again. He looked scared. His chest expanded on a breath. “I knew you’d be here when I took this job.”
Shay nodded. That made sense. If Pytor had sent him away, then of course he would warn him about Shay.
Phoenix’s shoulders squared. His expression turned determined.
“I—” Phoenix swallowed. “You know what? Fuck this.” He crossed the room, snatched the pillow from Shay, threw it, and then straddled Shay.
“You’re mine, and if you don’t start acting like it, I will make your life absolute hell for the rest of my days.
I’m sick of you holding back. I was sick of it long before I left, and nothing has changed. If you love me—”