Chapter 8 #2
‘No, you’re not.’ Ella linked her arm through Bets’.
‘I will be.’ But she was starting to wonder if she ever would be.
It had been over two months now. Before Jack came back she could pretend to herself that life was no different; she was used to him being away.
But now, after seeing him, everything had rolled up into a big snowball that had hit her smack in the face.
She was in desperate need of some glue to stick her heart back together but she had no idea where she could find it.
‘Are you going to talk about it?’ Ella persisted.
Bets shook her head, unable to get any words out past the lump in her throat.
‘It must be so hard, him being back,’ sympathised Ella.
‘It’s fine,’ said Bets, as brightly as she could, when actually she was in agony.
She always seemed to be bumping into him.
He wasn’t working at the surgery but he was running errands for them now and then and always seemed to be popping in.
It was pure gut-twisting agony. And she hated herself for being so weak.
‘I’m fine,’ she repeated. Maybe, if she said it often enough, she would be.
But she wanted to be more than fine. She wanted to be normal again.
‘You are allowed to grieve, you know,’ said Ella, her voice gentle. ‘You were together a long time. It must have come as a shock.’
‘Not really. I’d been fooling myself for a while.’
‘Don’t you dare blame yourself,’ said Ella.
‘It’s true. He kept making excuses for me not to visit, and cancelling planned trips home. The writing was on the wall, except I chose not to see it. He actually finished with me weeks ago. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone.’
‘Embarrassed! Why?’
‘Because no one would be surprised. Most people probably wonder how I hung onto him for so long. I’m nothing special.
Barely left the flipping county. I’m just a local, very average veterinary nurse.
He’s got A grades coming out of his ears, a first-class degree, comes from a respectable family and has the looks. ’
‘That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.’ Ella frowned so hard, her eyebrows almost met in the middle, which made Bets smile and reach up to smooth away the lines above Ella’s nose before straightening her shoulders.
‘Why? It’s all true.’
‘It’s all bollocks,’ Ella said fiercely. ‘That’s not what we see. You’re the most open-hearted, kind, generous, friendly, capable person I know. Jack’s an absolute idiot, he’s never going to find anyone as good as you.’
Bets took a step back and her eyes went blurry.
‘Don’t be nice to me.’
‘I’m not being nice. It’s the truth – but if it helps, I can slap you and say it again, so I’m not being nice.’
‘When did you turn into being such a bloodthirsty thing?’
Ella nudged her. ‘When I got my mojo back. Remember what I was like when I first arrived. You do realise you’re talking to the wrong person, you know,’ she said, sympathy echoing in her voice.
‘I wanted to be left alone when I arrived here and a certain perky vet nurse wouldn’t take no for an answer.
’ She paused before adding with an indignant laugh, ‘You made me do the church flowers.’
‘Yeah.’ Bets managed to dredge up a smile at the memory. ‘Although in my defence that wasn’t me. That was Magda.’
‘But you were the one that pestered me.’
‘Pestered! Encouraged, you mean. And didn’t we have fun? You were moping.’
Ella raised a single eyebrow.
Bets realised she’d walked right into that one. ‘And you think that justifies everyone finding me jobs to keep me occupied. I’m not stupid, you know.’
Ella nodded, amusement dancing in her eyes. ‘You’ve only got yourself to blame and there’ll be no sympathy from me. Everyone’s trying to help. They’re on your side.’
‘I don’t want them to be on my side. I want to get on with life.
’ She tapped the rough bark of a tree as they passed, trying to release some of her frustration.
‘Unfortunately, the other veterinary nurses have decided they’re Team Bets and are giving Jack the cold shoulder when he comes in, which isn’t helping at all. I’m sure he thinks I’m responsible.’
‘That’s his problem.’
‘No, it isn’t. We all need to work together. If they make things awkward it will make it difficult for everyone. I need to move on. Do you know’—she deliberately lifted her voice—‘Audrey said that one day I’ll wonder what I ever saw in him.’ She managed a laugh.
‘Wow, that’s direct. Good old Audrey.’
Bets grinned, pleased at her acting ability.
‘And she said I’d had a lucky escape because she’d be an awful mother-in-law.
’ Just saying the words out loud hurt. Audrey’s not-so-gentle guidance and support had been a far cry from her own mum’s chaotic indifference.
Her mum wasn’t a bad person, it was just that all her energy was reserved for surviving.
She was terrible with money, had no sense of responsibility and lived a hand-to-mouth existence that Bets had been grateful to escape as soon as she could.
‘Oh gawd,’ said Ella. ‘Thanks for that.’
‘You’re fine, she likes you.’
‘It’s not that. She’s so organised and … you know.’
‘Bossy,’ supplied Bets.
‘Yes, that too. I feel as if I need to put some kind of magical ward in place before I see her, to stop myself agreeing to every little job she has lined up for me.’
‘Well, you can imagine,’ said Bets hotly, ‘what she’s like with me at the moment. At this rate, I’m going to be running the whole Flower Show and Summer Ball single-handed. Every time I see her, she gives me a new job.’
‘Do you think anyone ever says no to her?’ ventured Ella.
‘Not in this lifetime.’
They both laughed as the dogs suddenly charged ahead of them, Tiggy determined to get Tess to play with her. She gave a sharp bark, jumped at Tess and then ran away. Tess quickly cottoned on and went haring after Tiggy.
‘She’s got quite a turn of speed,’ said Ella, watching the two dogs play.
‘Yeah, I had no idea she could move that fast. It took quite some persuading to get her out of the house this morning. She sat on the drive and refused to move at first. I had to bribe her with treats.’
‘She’s very cute. How’s she settling in?’
‘Like she’s the queen of the castle. I have to keep the gate at the bottom of the stairs permanently closed, otherwise she’s straight up and on the bed. If I have to go upstairs during the day, she sits there at the bottom letting out this pitiful little squeak to let me know she’s there.’
‘I’m glad you’ve got some company,’ said Ella.
‘Me, too,’ said Bets. ‘She loves company. The minute I sit down she wants to be next to me. Although that might be because she wants me to feed her.’
They walked around the perimeter of the reservoir, busy with ducks, the odd little black and white coot and a couple of serene swans gliding along the surface of the water as if they owned the place.
After a while, Tiggy, tired of the chase, dropped back and walked alongside the two women.
‘Fancy a coffee?’ asked Ella as they neared the turn-off for Meads Farm Shop.
‘Oh, why not? I could murder a slice of cake.’
‘Good,’ said Ella, giving her a candid look.
‘Don’t you start. I had Audrey feeding me up last week.
’ Bets’ face softened as she thought of how kind Audrey had been.
Being able to stay in the barn was a huge weight off her mind, although she couldn’t stay forever.
At the moment, all the definites in her life seemed to have become a lot less definite and she had no idea what the future held.
It terrified her and she didn’t know what to do about it.
She needed a project or a purpose, something to look forward to or work towards, but right now, she had absolutely no idea what she could do. And that terrified her even more.