Chapter 14 #3
Opening up to other people about her problems wasn’t something she did.
Jack had always been her anchor. Being with him helped her focus on other things, looking forward instead of feeling sorry for herself.
He’d been her safety blanket. Now she didn’t have one and she was scared and, worse still, cross with herself for being scared.
The front that she’d always put on for everyone else was in danger of collapsing.
The squeeze of Ella’s hand over hers made Bets look up into Ella’s earnest face.
‘You can talk to me.’
Bets really wanted to, but if she said out loud how she was feeling, she’d have to admit that she didn’t know who she was anymore, and that was really scary.
‘You saw me at my absolute worst,’ urged Ella, ‘and you were so kind to me. Making me welcome, when I felt like I’d landed on another planet, really helped me. If it hadn’t been for you, I probably would have hightailed it back to London at the first opportunity.’
‘IdontknowwhoIamanymore.’ Bets blurted the words out so fast that they ran together and, from the confused expression on Ella’s face, clearly didn’t make sense.
Ella gave her a glass of water. She took a few steadying sips and it was like the cork had been pulled from the bottle.
‘I don’t know who I am. It used to be easy, I was Jack’s girlfriend, and if I’m honest, being associated with him …
well, it gave me … it sounds stupid but …
respectability. I remember overhearing someone say that just because I was going out with him, it didn’t mean that I was any better than I should be. ’
‘Ouch, that’s just mean.’
‘That’s how people saw me. Before I met Jack I was that girl from the council estate, the one from the difficult family that was always causing trouble.
He was my hero. He saved me. People started treating me differently.
It was nice so I played up to it. Making sure they carried on liking me by always being the fun one, the cheerful one, the one that helped everyone. ’
‘I think that’s the official definition of a people pleaser,’ said Ella with a smile.
‘But that’s all I am now. Except I’m the “poor” girl Jack dumped. I feel like I’ve gone backwards into being a nothing again.’
‘Bets, that’s crazy. Everyone loves you. Devon. Geoffrey. Audrey. Doris. George, Greta, me, Tess – the whole village.’
She shrugged. ‘But I’ve never really, truly known who I was. I’ve been shaped by Jack’s patronage and everyone else’s subsequent expectation. I don’t feel as if I’ve ever found out who I was. I’ve never really been on my own. I’ve never left the village. Never done anything off my own bat.
‘I didn’t consciously decide to become a veterinary nurse. I mean, I love my job and I love animals and I’m really grateful that I got here, but it was only because of Jack and his family that the opportunity arose. I just fell into it.’
‘That doesn’t mean it was a bad decision, or wrong,’ said Ella.
‘I know but … I feel a fraud. I’ve never even thought about what I want.’
‘Bets, I seem to recall that Devon and Geoffrey both think you’re the best nurse they’ve ever had. And everyone knows how hard you worked to get your qualifications.’
‘I know that … but I just feel a bit lost. Like I said, I never really thought about what I wanted to do.’
‘What about when you were at school?’
‘Ha! I wanted to be an actress. Me! Can you imagine? But drama was my best subject.’ Bets paused as it dawned on her that she’d been acting ever since.
‘People like me don’t do that sort of thing.
And I did well at science, too, so being a veterinary nurse was the obvious choice.
The careers woman at school almost fell over herself with joy when I suggested that.
It was practical and achievable, especially as Geoffrey was offering me an apprenticeship.
God, listen to me! I’m complaining about one of the best breaks I ever got.
I love my job. I’m good at it, too. That’s a first in the Fowler family. ’
‘Bets, there’s nothing wrong with wanting more or having a dream, and you’re never too old to try something new.’ Ella laughed. ‘George next door keeps talking about being a stand-up comedian.’ She shook her head and grimaced. ‘His jokes are terrible but I haven’t got the heart to tell him.’
‘I know, I saw him the other day.’ Bets reached over and clasped Ella’s hand.
‘Thanks for listening to me bang on. A lot of people would say I’ve got it all.
A good job. A nice place to live. Good friends.
’ She glanced at her watch. ‘Not such a good friend, because it’s a bit tight to get you over to Great Missenden and me back in time for this afternoon’s surgery. ’
‘Don’t be silly. I can deliver the pictures later.’
‘I could help this evening.’
Ella tilted her head to one side. ‘Because you want to or because you’re being a people pleaser? I’ll be blunt again. I’d love the help, but only if it’s not a problem. You are important.’ Ella squeezed her hand again. ‘And don’t forget that.’
Bets heart lightened a little at the fierce light in Ella’s eyes – Ella believed in her. It made her realise that maybe she could be more. What form that took, she didn’t know, but she was going to start thinking about it.