49. Chapter Forty-Nine
Chapter Forty-Nine
Cillian’s pulse thudded as May turned her head, flicking between the television and him like a spectator at a tennis match, caught between the news report and the flesh-and-blood man standing in her living room.
‘What the—’ she started.
‘Sorry for turning up so late,’ he said quickly, lifting his hands in a half-shrug. ‘I had to see you.’ Would she see him? The thought had nagged at him all the way from London. At least he’d made it this far, to be in the same room.
May stood, squaring her shoulders. Her expression was unreadable. ‘From the looks of things, you’ve had quite the night. You must have come straight here from the gig.’
‘Yeah,’ he admitted. ‘I had to get out of there. You know how intense things like that get.’
May let out a laugh that held no warmth. ‘Funnily enough, no, I don’t. I can’t possibly imagine the slightest thing about your life, Cillian.’
He was far from forgiven, it seemed. ‘I’d like you to be able to,’ he said softly. ‘I’d like to share everything with you.’
‘Doesn’t sound like you’ve got much left to share,’ May shot back. ‘Not if the news reports are anything to go by. What on earth were you thinking, walking away from everything like that?’
‘I couldn’t do it anymore,’ he said. ‘You heard the music I was making with Nick and Alice. That’s what I want to be doing.’
‘That’s not going to earn you a living, is it?’
‘I honestly don’t care anymore,’ Cillian said. He’d struggled with this for so long, and now the die was cast, he felt strangely liberated. ‘I’d rather work at McDonald’s and do music on the side than sell my soul every night pretending to be someone I’m not.’
May raised an eyebrow. ‘Are you really prepared to throw away such an incredible opportunity? Look at all you’ve got – the fame, the fans, the money.’
‘But what’s the point?’ he said quietly, his eyes lowered.
‘What’s the point of it if I don’t have any friends?
What’s the point if I can’t ever see my family?
’ He raised his eyes to May, begging for understanding.
‘I never spend longer than one night in any one place, and it’s doing my head in.
I want to be settled. I want to be part of a community.
I want to be able to nurture a relationship. ’
He caught the faint flush in her cheeks and pressed on. ‘And I missed you. I missed Kitty. Leaving you to deal with all the wedding stuff on your own was a really awful move on my part.’
‘Yes, it was,’ said May tartly. ‘Don’t worry. I’m managing, and you don’t need to abandon your entire life to help plan a wedding.’
‘It’s more than that,’ he murmured.
‘The stuff you said about Kia,’ May asked. ‘Is that all true?’
‘Yeah.’ Cillian ran his hand through his hair. ‘It was never a proper relationship, more like a marriage of convenience, without actually getting to the marriage part.’
May frowned. ‘You must have at least liked each other.’
Cillian laughed. ‘The funny thing is, we didn’t. I don’t even find her attractive.’
‘Oh, come on.’ May threw out her palms. ‘I don’t believe that for a second. Kia Critchlow is the most beautiful woman in the country, maybe the whole of Europe.’
‘On the outside, maybe,’ said Cillian. ‘It turns out I’m attracted to the whole of a person, not just the package they come in.’
Her cheeks flared again, and his chest ached with the urge to pull her into his arms. He forced himself to stay where he was.
‘Anyway, I’m not here to talk about the train wreck that’s my career.
I’m here to apologise.’ Now it was Cillian who flushed.
‘For the way I lied to you. For how I let you get dragged into the papers. For not having your back when it mattered. And for abandoning you in a village full of rumour, to organise a wedding on your own.’ He pulled in his lips, then caught and held May’s gaze again. ‘Does that about cover it?’
May stared back for a long time, as if testing his honesty. He offered a tiny smile. ‘It’s not a bad start,’ she said eventually, and smiled, truly smiled, for the first time in what was to Cillian an aeon.
His heart swelled, hope fluttering deep in his chest. ‘Guess what I’d really like?’
‘What?’ May’s voice was laced with suspicion.
‘To be Eugene.’
‘Eugene?’ May spluttered, unable to control her laughter. ‘You want to volunteer at a llama farm?’
‘Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.’ Cillian grinned. ‘Anyway, Eugene was a cool guy. He had his priorities right, had his life together. And most importantly, he had Esmerelda.’
May’s laughter evaporated. ‘Esmerelda isn’t real, Cillian. Neither is Eugene, however much you’d like him to be.’
‘Maybe not,’ Cillian admitted. ‘I think you get the point I’m trying to make.’ He paused, took a breath. ‘Will you ever be able to trust me again?’
May sighed and ran her hands through her hair.
‘Cillian, listen. I accept your apology. And I’d like us to move forward.
As friends. That’s all I can give right now.
We’ve got a wedding to organise, and if you’re really back for good, I could use your help.
Anything beyond that …’ She shook her head.
‘It’s not only about what’s happened between us.
My life’s a complete mess too.’ She shot him a quick grimace.
‘You’re not the only who needs to figure out who they are and what they’re going to do next.
I have to get my own life sorted before I can even begin to think about sharing myself with someone else. ’
It wasn’t the romantic reunion Cillian had built up in his head on the long journey down. He swallowed his disappointment and nodded, forcing himself to match May’s matter-of-fact tone. ‘Friends, then. And co-wedding-planners.’
‘Exactly.’
He stuck out his hand. May hesitated, then shook it. Her grip was warm, firm, steady. It was something, if not what he wanted. For now, it would have to be enough.