Chapter 22
Briony parked the car at the car park in Dunwich Heath and decided to walk Luna along the beach to The Beach House. Luna needed a good run, and Briony needed a moment or two to think before she ran into Troy. She still had the letter addressed to Freddie, which she hadn’t posted, although she had made progress by sticking a stamp on the envelope.
She walked down to the shore, slipped off her trainers and socks, and walked barefoot in the shallow water. The sea tickled her ankles as the water washed over her feet on to the shore with the tide. The sun was out, and still surprisingly warm for autumn.
She passed mothers sitting with toddlers, who were building sandcastles and writing their names in the wet sand. The unusual weather was encouraging people who were not at work on a Monday to spend the day on the beach.
Luna ran ahead a little way, paws splashing in the surf. Every now and then she stopped to wait for Briony.
Briony kept an eye on Luna too, to make sure she didn’t bother anybody. She noted some mothers eyeing Luna cautiously. She wasn’t surprised; if she had been sitting with her child on the beach, she’d be doing the same.
Briony smiled at the small children as she passed by, thinking about what her future held. She hadn’t really thought about what it would be like, being a mum. She’d never yearned to have children, having been too focused on her education and what career would follow.
Perhaps the lack of yearning was her age. Maybe as she got older, that yearning for motherhood would awaken. Perhaps it was the fact that she’d never particularly liked babies, although perhaps that would change too. It’d better, she thought. But seeing little ones playing with buckets and spades on the beach, Briony suddenly saw her future, and she rather liked what she saw, especially there, on a sandy beach on the Suffolk Coast.
She stopped walking and turned to look out to sea, feeling the soft wet sand beneath her feet. ‘I’d like to raise my child here,’ she said aloud. She gazed out to sea, the turquoise water looking more like something out of the Caribbean rather than the English coast.
‘Oh, I’d recommend it,’ said a voice behind her.
Briony whirled around to find a young mother, who was carrying a toddler, balanced on her hip. He was in a nappy, and wearing a little white tee-shirt with a blue dolphin motif on the front. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude on your thoughts, but I couldn’t help overhearing. I love it here. Imagine bringing your children to the beach after school, and crab-fishing, and swimming. We come here in the not-so-nice weather too. It’s just as magical any time of year.’
Briony imagined it was.
‘You won’t regret moving here.’
‘Mummy – where’s my swimming costume?’
Briony turned to look at another child, who had shouted out as she ran down the beach towards them. She caught the young woman rolling her eyes. She said to Briony, ‘Could you hold Harry for just one second. That’s my daughter.’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘She loves coming to the beach after nursery school.’
Briony didn’t have time to object, even if she had wanted to, before a rather rotund toddler was thrust into her arms. Briony balanced him on her hip, just like his mother had. The toddler stared at her.
Oh, goodness,thought Briony, please don’t cry.
She smiled at him. To her surprise he gave her the most endearing little smile back, which turned into a big yawn. Oh, I’m boring him now. ‘Hello, Harry. My name is Briony.’ She sucked in a breath. ‘Oh, my goodness! You are so cute.’
As if to prove the fact, he sucked his fingers and gurgled.
The young woman helped her daughter into her swimming costume. She glanced at Luna, who appeared by Briony’s side, her inquisitive nose sniffing the air as she edged closer to Harry’s foot.
‘Is that your dog?’ the young woman asked, her eyes wide as she caught sight of Luna.
‘No, she’s my grandmother’s. She’s a gentle dog, wouldn’t hurt a fly.’ Even so, Briony moved Harry’s foot away from Luna’s muzzle and gently tapped her nose, no, sensing that the young mother would rather such a big dog was not near her child.
Luna whined and lay down on the beach, muzzle on her paws, staring up at Briony and making her feel guilty for not introducing Harry.
‘There are a lot of activities for little ones. They run music sessions in the library,’ the young woman said conversationally. She peered at Briony. ‘Have you got children?’
‘Um, not yet.’
‘Ah, you’re planning to have one?’
‘Quite soon, actually. I’m pregnant.’
‘Oh, congratulations. When’s the baby due?’
Briony looked at her, trying to think how far gone she was.
The young woman touched her arm. ‘Don’t worry. I was just like that with my first. The midwife told me. I’m sure yours will do the same.’
‘I haven’t got one,’ blurted Briony.
‘That’s all right. See your GP and they’ll sort out your antenatal care for you, book you in to see a midwife.’
Briony looked at the bonny little boy she was bouncing on her hip and smiled.
‘Mummy, I want to go paddling,’ said her older child.
‘All right, hold on.’
Briony watched the young mother slip her daughter’s clothes into a bag and sling it over her shoulder. She held out her arms. Briony reluctantly handed Harry back.
‘Well, I hope you do get to bring up your child here. Who knows – perhaps we’ll bump into each other again.’
Briony looked at Harry, wondering whether, if she stayed, her little one would be in the same nursery as him.
‘Bye.’
Briony smiled, waving them off. She stood for a moment, watching them paddling in the sea and thinking, What am I going to do? Stay with Freddie, for the baby’s sake? That’s what being a parent is all about – isn’t it? Sacrifices? And what do I mean by sacrifice? Freddie loves me to bits, I know, and he’s going to be the best dad, and provide a good life for us both.
But what about love? Real love?
Briony got out the letter that she’d written to Freddie. She thought about what she’d said aloud a little earlier – that she’d like to raise her child in Suffolk. What about that?
Briony glanced at the receding figure of the young woman, who was walking with her two children along the beach. Freddie’s work was in Oxford. That was where their life would be. Not in Suffolk. This was not her life. This was somebody else’s.
Luna had run off again to chase the waves, but she soon came running over and sat down on the beach beside Briony. Sensing something was up, she put a wet paw on Briony’s lap, making Briony’s trousers wet. But Briony didn’t scold her. Instead, she said, ‘Aren’t you a good girl? I’m going to miss you when I go back to Oxford.’
She looked along the beach towards where The Beach House was, around the corner of the headland, hoping that Troy had let Wilbur outside at some point. She’d given Troy a key so he could use the bathroom, help himself to a cup of coffee, and lock up if she wasn’t back before he left.
She looked at Luna, who put her head on Briony’s lap. ‘I think, since I arrived, I’ve been living in some sort of fantasy, with something like a teenage crush on Troy, and visions of never leaving this place. Crazy – huh?’ She stroked Luna. For some reason, she was having a reality check. She knew what it was – holding that child. That had been very real indeed. She could have been holding her own child. No – their child.
Briony looked at the letter she’d written to Freddie. She held the top of the envelope in her fingertips, about to tear it up and throw it to the wind, when a gust caught the letter and it flew out of her hands, the wind carrying it high into the air, in the direction of the sand dunes.
Briony hurried to her feet, but by the time she’d turned around, intending to chase after it, the letter was gone. She imagined it was lost somewhere in the dunes. She shook her head. She could walk up the beach to the dunes, but she hadn’t even seen which exact direction the wind had carried it. She knew it wasn’t towards the sea.
Briony shrugged. She decided there was no point searching for it. It wasn’t as though she was going to post it now. The letter would no doubt be torn into pieces by the elements and disintegrate.
‘Come on, Luna. Let’s go and see how much progress Troy has made with the outbuilding today.’
Briony was relieved she’d had a moment of clarity, walking along the beach with her thoughts. ‘Thank goodness I didn’t post that letter,’ she said to Luna.
She stood up, brushed off the sand, and happened to glance up the beach before she set off. It was quite deserted now; people had gone home for lunch, no doubt. Her own stomach was rumbling. Further up the beach, towards the dunes, she saw a man walking a dog. He waved at her.
Briony waved back, one dog walker to another, thinking how friendly she’d found the people, strangers, on the Suffolk Coast.
She started in the direction of The Beach House.
The old man stopped waving as soon as she turned her back. He looked at his hand. ‘Darn, she didn’t see what was in my hand. I’m too old to chase after her.’ He glanced at his dog. ‘Shame you can’t run over and give her this. I’m sure it’s hers.’ He looked at the letter in his hand. ‘Well, it’s got a stamp, so I suppose I could post it. That would be my good deed for the day.’