Chapter 3 Lean on Me #2
Eliza Fern, River’s therapist, would have a field day when River came in for her next appointment. If she ever had another appointment. She supposed that if she never got out of the Hub, that wouldn’t be a problem, because she’d be trapped there forever.
“No.” Nikhail’s deep timbre pulled River out of her thoughts. She’d forgotten she’d even asked a question. “Your mother hasn’t been here.”
The words shouldn’t have stung. This was far from the first time that Tertia had let River down, and she was certain it wouldn’t be the last.
River should have been able to let this go. Of all the hurtful things Tertia had done to her over the years, this wasn’t even the worst of them.
She should’ve been able to stop tears from forming. Maybe it was because she was exhausted, or maybe it was the weight of everything that had happened, but she couldn’t seem to do it.
She was just so tired and so fucking empty.
And her father…
Was dead.
River had let her mind wander from that fact for a short while, but she couldn’t ignore it any longer. There was a hole in her heart next to the space where her magic used to reside, and it belonged to Cyrus Waterborn.
It would forever be empty.
A sob crawled up River’s throat, and she was unable to stop it from ripping out of her. Another soon followed.
Nikhail’s arms tightened around River. He held her close, murmuring words of compassion as she wept.
By the time River’s tears ran their course, it felt like she would never cry again. She hadn’t even known it was possible to hold so much grief and pain inside oneself.
Nikhail held her while she grieved. He was a silent, grounding force—one that she hadn’t realized she needed until he became that for her.
At some point, Nikhail had draped a blanket over her shoulders. River clung to the edges, holding it tight around her. It wasn’t the softest material, and her skin prickled where the blanket made contact with it, but that was… fine.
River didn’t deserve comfort.
Not now, when she was broken and had lost control again.
“What now?” she asked quietly, when it felt like she could speak again. The question, like so many others she’d asked since waking up, was layered.
What would she do now that her father was gone? Where would she go from here?
Was there any point in studying the Stillness when she’d been unable to save her own flesh and blood?
What would she do about her magic, since she’d obviously been right all along and was a hazard to others?
How would she return to work—assuming she even still had a job, which was doubtful, since she’d just vanished for two weeks, and her boss had hated her before that happened?
Where would she go?
River couldn’t live the rest of her life in the Hub. Putting aside the fact that this was a military building that wasn’t meant to serve as a long-term residence, she had a family. A life. A past to atone for.
“What am I going to do?” she whispered.
Nikhail shifted. His brows furrowed, and he studied her for a long moment. Placing his finger under her chin, he lifted her face until her eyes met his.
“You are going to keep moving, River.”
Her breath caught, but he wasn’t done.
“When life feels too heavy to keep going, when everything hurts and there doesn’t seem to be a solution, you continue putting one foot in front of the other. You keep walking forward, even when doing so takes everything you have.”
River’s heartbeat was a booming drum in her ears.
“It feels so challenging,” she admitted. Thinking about an hour from now felt impossible, let alone what might happen tomorrow. “Like I’m caught in a never-ending storm.”
The emptiness. Her grief. The exhaustion.
His lips parted. “River—”
“There are so many clouds, Nik. So much darkness.” She gripped the edges of the blanket, holding it tighter around her, as if that could stop her from feeling this way. “It’s all so heavy.”
River wasn’t sure if she’d ever feel light again. There was a weight on her soul that was growing more burdensome with each passing moment.
Everything felt like too much. Getting out of this bed, leaving this room, facing her brother and mother. Dealing with all the life beyond these doors.
How could she tackle all that when she could barely keep her thoughts in order?
“I know.” Nikhail didn’t offer empty platitudes or meaningless promises that things would miraculously get better. “But you’re not going to give up. Even in the darkness, even when the clouds are at their worst and everything feels impossible, you just keep moving through the storm.”
He tugged the blanket free from her grip and laced their fingers together. His hand was so warm that her breath caught in her throat.
“Let me help you,” he said. “If you’re tired, lean on me. If you can no longer move, let me carry you.”
River drew in a shaky breath. His words sounded good, but… “You didn’t sign up for this, Nik,” she said quietly. “You didn’t… I can’t ask this of you.”
She couldn’t ask it of anyone.
Technically, Nikhail hadn’t signed up for anything. She’d warned him that something like this could happen—that she was dangerous and she couldn’t risk being with anyone.
But Nikhail had rejected her warning.
That was before, though.
Before her father’s death.
Before she had broken again.
Before she’d proven, once and for all, that her father was wrong, and she was the Cursed One.
Barbed vines grew around River’s heart, twisting and piercing her vital organ. Dark clouds edged her vision, and she shrank in on herself.
Nikhail had said that he didn’t care that being with her could be perilous, but now, he had to know the truth. He had to leave her alone, for his own safety.
No one in their right mind would remain with someone as broken as her. As cursed. As deadly.
“What are you saying, River?” Nikhail’s voice was a gentle murmur. Soft, and River didn’t deserve that.
She’d called another storm. Lost control again. Even if no one died this time, that didn’t remove the burden of the lives she’d already taken from her soul.
She was not a good person, and she did not deserve to be treated with kindness.
It would be easier if Nikhail were yelling at her. Treating her coldly, like Tertia. The gentleness with which he held her would make the heartbreak even worse when he inevitably left.
Gods, River never should’ve let Nikhail in. Her brother’s best friend was a good man. Far too good for her. She never should’ve let herself hope that they could be together.
She was cursed, and people like her didn’t get to be with people like him.
Shifting out of Nikhail’s grip, River glanced away. It turned out that on top of everything else, she was a coward. She couldn’t bear to look at Nikhail right now.
“Thank you for staying with me while I… slept.” For not leaving her alone in this cold, dark space. “I appreciate it so much, and I’ll never forget it. But you don’t have to stay.”
“River—”
“That was a very kind offer, but I’m sure you have places to be.”
Unbroken people to be with.
Those clouds descended further. Heavy and dark and suffocatingly oppressive, they pushed down on River. With each passing second, they pressed harder and harder, until she was certain that one day, they would be the cause of her destruction.
Silence stretched between them, and River was certain that Nikhail would leave any moment now. He’d go, and she’d be alone.
And that…
That stung, but it was what she deserved.
She waited and waited for him to get up and go. For the door to shut behind him. For her heart to break one last time.
Then the darkness inside her would destroy every last part of her.
“No.” The word echoed through the room, and it was so unexpected that River opened her eyes.
“No?” she repeated, disbelief coursing through her.
Nikhail took her hands in his. Engulfed them, really.
“I know you believe that you’re cursed—”
“I am.
Flashes of River’s storms—plural, now, because she’d lost control twice, proving she truly was a danger to everyone in the Republic of Balance—swept through her mind.
“No. You are not,” Nikhail said firmly.
She opened her mouth, but before she could retort, he continued, “But even if you were, I would not leave you. I meant every word I said in the library. I want you.” He pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. “Storm and all.”
“But I could hurt you.”
“You won’t. Not with your storm.”
“I don’t—”
“The only way you’ll hurt me is if you push me away.” He seemed to peer into the very essence of her being.
River wanted to believe him. His words sounded so good, and she desperately yearned not to be broken.
But this…
This was a lot.
As if he knew that she wasn’t sure what to say—if anything—Nikhail leaned in. His mouth swept over hers. The meeting of their lips was barely more than a peck, but something deep inside her rejoiced at the touch.
“I promise, River,” he said when he pulled away. “No matter how long it takes, I will stay by your side. We will wade through the storm together. And one day, whether it is weeks or months from now, the clouds will part, and you’ll see the stars again.”