Chapter 17
A Late-Night Encounter
The person who invented the concept of counting sheep was stupid and had clearly never actually suffered from insomnia.
River reached that conclusion as the clock marched right past midnight, and she was still staring at the ceiling, trying to will herself into a restful state.
It wasn’t working. Not just counting sheep, although she’d certainly tried that.
Nothing was working.
This was what River got for napping earlier.
This morning, when she’d woken to an empty house, River had moped around for a few hours. It hadn’t been until she’d been sitting on a stool at the kitchen island, pondering whether she felt strong enough to get up and make herself a piece of toast, that she realized she needed help.
She’d pulled out her phone and called Eliza Fern’s office before she could talk herself out of it. The therapist had had a last-minute cancellation, and she’d fit River in.
Their session had been a video call that lasted over two hours. The entire experience had been painful, and River had spent the vast majority of it in tears as she relived her pain. They’d ended with River promising to make another appointment before the week was up.
After ending the call, River had stared at the blank screen for half an hour. Her limbs had felt leaden, and her throat had been parched. It was as if she’d cried out her body’s reserve of water. She’d had a drink, then lay down on the couch.
The plan had just been to rest, but she’d woken several hours later.
She’d munched on her dinner, which had consisted of some cheese and crackers, while texting Ember. Her best friend had been on her way to the hospital and had been more than happy to chat while she got ready for her shift.
River’s night had been slow and quiet, and after watching a reality show on her phone, she’d decided to go to bed around nine. But sleep, finicky thing that it was, had been evading her ever since.
At first, River had tried to meditate. Eliza had suggested that it might be a helpful tool in dealing with the recent changes in River’s life.
Meditation had left River feeling frustrated and empty.
Then, she’d attempted to just lie in bed and try to silence her mind. That had failed spectacularly. The more she tried not to think, the more thoughts invaded her brain.
River had tried changing her clothes. She swapped her flannel pajamas for a sleep shirt that fell to mid-thigh, hoping the cool air might help.
It didn’t.
Even the repetitive motions of separating her hair and braiding it hadn’t been enough to quiet her mind. After, she’d tried to empty her mind of thoughts, casting them aside one at a time.
That backfired spectacularly. It had amplified the emptiness inside her, until the void where her magic should’ve been had become the only thing she could think about.
She tried controlled breathing. That also failed.
Progressively relaxing her muscles merely served to make her more frustrated.
It turned out that suffering a crippling loss, releasing a storm, being cut off from one’s magic, learning your mother was also cursed, and finding out that your brother had been withholding an important truth from you for years was stress inducing.
Who knew?
River tried visualizing a calm, peaceful setting, but that didn’t work either.
Every time she cleared her mind, she kept remembering that Nikhail hadn’t returned yet.
That train of thought led her to thinking about the air fae and the way it felt when they kissed, which inevitably brought her to thinking about his hands on her, and that…
Well, that certainly wasn’t helping her settle.
Even though Nikhail was nowhere to be found, Atlas had come home from work a few hours ago.
The professor had mumbled a quick hello, carrying a stack of papers to his bedroom and shutting the door behind him.
His room was at the front of the house, separated from the spare bedrooms by the living room and a hallway.
Another ten minutes crept by.
Then twenty.
Sleep continued to evade River.
Around two in the morning, River decided to give up on sleep.
If she were in Lakewater, she would’ve used the time to study—being a doctor meant there was always more to learn—but all her things were back home. Not only that, but she was still on leave.
Ember had asked earlier when River thought she’d be coming back, but she’d replied honestly, saying she wasn’t sure. The mere thought of running into another patient with the Stillness had River’s chest constricting.
She couldn’t avoid work forever. She knew that, just as she knew that getting back into a position where she could help people would be good for her, but she wasn’t ready yet.
River could’ve texted Ryker, and he would’ve come to keep her company. Her brother had always been there for her, no matter what. Even the sting of his betrayal didn’t make that any less true.
But River wasn’t ready to talk to Ryker. There was a part of her that understood where he’d been coming from when he hid the truth of Brynleigh’s Making. He was, in his own way, trying to protect her. That didn’t soothe the pain in her heart, though.
With a full-body sigh, River slipped out of bed. Opening the door with care, so she didn’t make a sound, she padded to the kitchen. The bungalow was dark, and the soft glow of streetlights lit her path.
Atlas’s house was small and homey, and River felt like it fit the earth fae’s personality to a T.
Meticulously decorated, not over the top, but comfortable.
The kitchen was at the back of the house, and while it probably wasn’t up to Tertia’s standards, since it wasn’t made of pure gold and didn’t boast of top-of-the-line appliances, it had everything a person needed.
River poured herself a glass of water, sipping it while she walked into the small pantry.
She hit the light. The shelves were stocked, but not overly full.
Tilting her head, River rummaged through the snacks.
If this were a stranger’s house, she wouldn’t feel comfortable doing this, but she’d known Atlas for several years, and he had always been kind to her.
As Nikhail had predicted, the earth fae had welcomed River with open arms, saying she could stay as long as she needed.
Still, she made a mental note to transfer money to Atlas tomorrow to cover her food.
He’d said it wasn’t necessary, but River was a Waterborn, and Waterborns took care of their debts.
River might’ve had a very troublesome relationship with her mother, but some lessons were hard to forget, and that was one of them.
River shook out her shoulders, forcing thoughts of Tertia out of her mind.
The Representative of the Fae was the last person she wanted to think about right now.
Instead, she homed in on several half-empty bags of chips.
She opened the clips that were keeping the bags sealed, peered inside, and sampled the contents one at a time.
Dill pickle, cheddar, and sour cream and onion.
She’d just placed a salt and vinegar chip on her tongue when a whisper of fabric came from behind her.
River stiffened, instinctively reaching for that place within her where her magic resided. Empty. Of course.
Before she could panic, the scent of almond and cedar reached her nose. Her shoulders relaxed. A heartbeat later, a pair of large hands snaked around her waist and rested on her stomach.
River exhaled softly, and the tension drained out of her.
She sagged against the very warm, very male body standing right behind her. There was no need to turn around—she knew who it was.
“Hey,” she murmured, awkwardly swallowing her chip. “You’re back.”
Nikhail brushed a soft kiss across the top of her head. “I am.”
“It’s really late.”
“I know. It was a long day.” He turned her around, his hands returning to her hips.
The pantry was tight, and there was barely room for both of them. Her back brushed against the shelves.
“I couldn’t sleep,” she said after a moment. “So I thought I’d get a snack…”
River’s voice trailed off as she beheld Nikhail. For a moment, everything else came to a standstill. Her lungs forgot to contract. Her heart ceased beating. Even the emptiness inside her seemed to shrink.
There was just her and Nikhail. Two people drawn to each other despite everything that had tried to keep them apart for so long.
River drank him in. She couldn’t help it. Whenever they were in the same room, she sought him out. Here, in this small space that was built for one person, it was impossible not to look at him.
Nikhail wore a suit and tie, which was unsurprising.
Her air fae was always dressed to the nines.
A soft dusting of stubble adorned the lower half of his face.
His eyes were heavy. He was still as good-looking as ever—she didn’t think it was possible for Nikhail Galebringer to be anything but handsome—but it was evident the day had taken its toll on him.
Then, River gasped. Red flecks were splattered on the underside of Nikhail’s collar. Having spent a fair share of her adult life in hospitals, River knew blood when she saw it.
She touched it hesitantly, running her thumb over the stain. “What happened?”
“It’s not mine,” Nikhail answered softly.
On one hand, relief swept through River. On the other hand, it led to a slew of other questions.
“Did you suddenly take up an interest in surgery?” she asked, half-jokingly.
He took her hand and laced their fingers together. His thumb swept over hers, leaving goose bumps in its wake, and she could barely concentrate on his words.
“No. It happened at work.”
Four simple words, but they carried weight behind them. River had never asked Nikhail what he did for the military, but she wasn’t a fool. She knew he and Ryker worked dangerous jobs.
River’s mind unhelpfully chose that moment to remind her of the day that Nikhail showed up at her hospital, on the brink of death. That was the same day she discovered that her air fae’s chest was littered with scars.
Shivering, River shoved those memories away. This wasn’t like that day. Nikhail was here, so obviously, he was fine.
“Was it…” She chewed on her lip. “Did it happen when you were protecting my mo… the Representative?”
“No. Something else came up.”
And there was something about the way Nikhail spoke, the tinge of regret and exhaustion that was laced through his voice, that had her stomach twisting.
“The person who it belonged to…” River paused, searching for the right words. “Are they…”
How did one politely inquire whether killing someone had been on the night’s agenda?
“They had information we needed,” Nikhail said.
Well. That could be interpreted in several ways.
River wasn’t sure she wanted to know whether Nikhail was using the past tense because the person was now dead, or simply because he’d gotten his information.
And that… was strange. She probably should’ve been disgusted or horrified by the thought of Nikhail killing someone, but surprisingly, she… wasn’t.
River felt a distinct lack of disgust, if she was being honest. It was probably because she also carried the weight of a multitude of deaths on her soul. If anything, it connected her even more with him.
Nikhail drew River closer. Their chests just barely touched.
“You don’t need to worry about them,” he said, misinterpreting her silence. “The information we acquired is solid, and the Chancellor has already sent a team to look into it. No one is going to hurt you, River.”
This wasn’t the first time Nikhail had made such a promise, and River was starting to realize he meant every word.
He really would do everything in his power for her.
That probably should’ve scared River, but like the thought of Nikhail killing someone, it didn’t.
Nikhail placed his finger under her chin, lifted her face, and studied her intently. “How are the clouds today, River?”
He remembered. He always remembered.
At that moment, the manacles were so light, she barely noticed them.
“The clouds are dark. Or they were.” She rolled her bottom lip through her teeth. “They don’t seem so bad, now that you’re here.”
“Is that why you’re up?”
“Partially. I just couldn’t get my mind to be quiet, you know? My thoughts kept spinning.”
His head tilted. “And now?”
“Now they don’t seem as pressing or as loud.”
His lips kicked up, and gods, it was a beautiful sight. “Good. I’ll admit that selfishly, I’m glad you’re still up.” His fingers lightly braceleted her wrist, above the manacle. “I missed you.”
River drew nearer to Nikhail, tilting up her head. She couldn’t stay away from him any more than the stars could distance themselves from the moon. “I missed you, too, Nik.”
It seemed she was always doing that these days.
His amber eyes darkened, and his lips parted. The air thickened. Neither of them looked away.
The thundering of River’s heart grew louder in her ears. Soon, it was the only sound she could hear. A voice in the back of her mind reminded her that she was broken and dangerous, but the words didn’t seem as sharp as they used to. The warning wasn’t as loud.
River knew that Nikhail would be better off without her. He’d certainly be safer. And yet, the air fae didn’t seem to understand that. Every time she tried to push him away, he just kept coming back, more determined than ever to stay by her side.
And River was tired.
Tired of being alone.
Tired of the clouds and darkness.
Tired of being cursed and dangerous.
Tired of being afraid of herself.
Why should she suffer alone, bearing the weight of her burdens on her own, when Nikhail had proven time and again that he would be the rock she needed, if only she’d let him?
She couldn’t think of a single reason.
Before River could second-guess herself, she reached out and slapped the light switch. Darkness washed over them as she stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against his.