Chapter 26
ALIX
T hat night, I sleep in my childhood bedroom surrounded by neon-blue and lime-green bedding, Pottery Barn artwork, and fifteen-year-old TV posters.
There’s a voice in the back of my head that tells me it should be comforting to be here, but the reality is that I was never comfortable in this room. I’m not sure I’ve ever been completely comfortable anywhere.
I’m not surprised when I wake up in the middle of the night screaming from a nightmare. I suck in steadying breaths, but can’t seem to make my heartbeat slow down. Still shaking, I swing my legs over the side of the bed and tiptoe out into the hall.
The house is asleep, but I’m used to walking around in the dark by now. I tiptoe down the hall to the kitchen, and stop when I see the glow of a light on.
Nana is sitting on a stool at the kitchen counter, an enormous mug of tea in one hand. She looks up when I enter and smiles. “Good morning.”
I glance at the dark windows. “It’s not morning.”
She shrugs. “I’ve never cared much for timekeeping anyway. Morning can be whenever you wake up. Do you want some coffee?”
I sit in one of the island stools across from her. “Um…tea, maybe?”
“Sure.”
She gets up and crosses the kitchen to mom’s Keurig and pops in one of the single use packets. I watch her in a daze. I don’t even know what to say. There’s so many questions I have, so much I’m bursting to talk about, but I can’t think how to begin.
“How did you get the idea for Ellender?”
Nana hands me a scalding hot mug of tea and sits. She smiles. “I like to say it was a dream. I’ve been asked that so many times over the years and I always knew exactly how to answer. Until recently, as I’m sure you know.”
“Yes, I saw. What happened at the signing?”
She shrugs. “I think when you’ve been telling the same lie for so long that you start to believe it yourself, sometimes the truth has to force itself out, even at the worst possible time.”
I take a tiny sip of my tea and it scalds my tongue. “So you were lying, then. It wasn’t a dream?”
She looks down her nose at me. “Why don’t we be frank with each other, Ali. You’re not a kid anymore, we don’t need to beat around the bush.”
I suck in a breath. “Okay, fine. How did you first find Ellender?”
She leans back on her stool, settling in. “I lived in Ironhill my entire life. When I was growing up it was by no means a wealthy area, but the mining industry was thriving and the town was comfortable. It was also a superstitious area, and everyone knew and believed every legend about the creatures that would come out of the woods or lived in the mountains.
“My father—your great grandfather—worked in the mines, as did pretty much all the men in the area. He was a foreman, and he was always trying to invent ways to make work faster and easier for his crew.
“When I was about twenty, I was still living at home. I wanted to go to college but it wasn’t as common as it is now. It would have been easier and more expected for me to take some typing classes and work as a secretary for a while before ultimately getting married. I’d known Gerald—your grandpa—my entire life and he’d asked me to marry him several times. I knew that was the simplest path forward, especially if I wanted to move out of my parents’ house.”
“So what did you do?”
“Nothing.” She sighs. “I didn’t know what to do with my life so I didn’t do anything at all. I stayed in the same town with all the same people acting as if I could stay frozen in time forever. I was stuck.”
I take another sip of my scalding tea. I wish I didn’t empathize so much with what she’s saying—how it’s easy to stay in a life that’s just okay because it’s so much harder to figure out where to go next.
“One evening, my father didn’t come home from the mine. Our house wasn’t far, so I took his truck and drove there to make sure he was alright. In retrospect, that was stupid. I could have called someone for help, but at the time it felt like the right thing to do. I went down to the mines, and I figured I’d just walk a few feet past the entrance—just to see if there were still lanterns lit or sounds coming from inside.”
“And you found the gate?” I finish for her.
“Yes. Before I knew what was happening, I’d arrived in another world entirely.”
“What palace were you at?” I ask, unable to contain my questions. “Summer or winter?”
“I don’t know. Summer, probably, as that’s what time of year it was. In any case, I quickly discovered that my father had also fallen into this other world and he’d been captured by the faerie king. I met King Thorne and offered to take my father’s place.”
“Why would you do that?” I burst out. “Why not try to help him another way, or?—”
“I wanted to,” she cuts me off. “I wanted to help my father of course, but I was also enchanted by the land I’d just found. I’d discovered that magic was real, and there was this impossibly handsome king willing to let me live in his castle. Compared with my life, it seemed like a fantasy come true.”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”
“Wasn’t it the same for you? When you discover that this magical place exists, how could you not want to stay?”
“Um, not exactly. I took a little longer to warm up to it, but finish the story, we’ll get to mine later.”
She smiles and leans forward against the kitchen island. I could swear there’s something light in her posture. Like maybe talking about this after so long is lifting a weight of secrecy that she’s been living with for sixty years.
“Well, for a while, I was in heaven. I’d never experienced living in a place so nice. There were servants and I wasn’t expected to do anything at all. Sleeping during the day was odd and the king was generally cold to me, but he gave me a kitten to keep me company. A little loneliness didn’t seem like a bad trade for the ability to spend all my time in the library.”
Immediately, the image of the beautiful library pops into my mind, except I can’t focus on it since she mentioned the kitten. “Oh my God, Sushi!”
She smiles. “What about him?”
My face falls. “I left him at the palace with Odessa. Oh my God, how–”
“Shhhh,” she soothes. “That cat came from Ellender.”
I narrow my eyes. “Wait, are you serious?”
“Very. Of course I had to keep renaming him every couple of decades to make it less strange that I had a sixty-year-old cat. Sushi was originally called Pooka because he had this magical ability to always turn up right where I needed him. I’m sure he’ll make his way back to me eventually.”
I stare at her, eyes wide, my head spinning. Part of me thinks she’s fucking with me, but of course, this entire conversation is unbelievable. What’s one more crazy thing to add to the list? “Er, right…okay, I guess we’ll come back to that. So at first you were happy at the palace, but when did things start to go wrong?”
She sighs and pushes a tendril of gray hair out of her face. “Eventually, I got bored and started to become more curious about the palace and the king. What was this mysterious curse that made them sleep all day? Why wasn’t I allowed to enter the north wing of the castle? What did King Thorne want from me?”
“And did you find out?” I ask, leaning forward as my heartbeat picks up.
“Yes. The king and I had been eating dinner together for some time. I’d started to know him a bit better, but he was still an enigma in most ways. That’s why it was such a surprise to me when he announced our wedding to the court.”
“Wait, he didn’t ask you?”
She shakes her head. “No…I didn’t know what to make of it. I was sure we’d had a misunderstanding. In some ways, I wasn’t opposed to it. I’d be a queen, and get to live the same elegant life I’d been living for the last three months.”
“But you didn’t love him?”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t know him well enough to love him; he was always distant. He’d shower me with gifts, but not attention. Everything felt forced, like a performance for the court.”
I nod. I know exactly what she’s talking about. But I also know that this revelation is huge. If Nana never loved King Thorne, she could have never broken the curse anyway. The king was wrong.
I bite my lip. “Then what?”
“I didn’t want to stay and get married to someone I barely knew so I made up a story. I told him my father had been chronically sick my entire life and that he only had a few months left. I said I wanted to go home to see him before he died and that I’d come back soon for the wedding.” She shakes her head. “It wasn’t a very good story. I don’t know why he believed me?—”
“Because the king is a narcissist,” I fill in. “He assumes everyone loves him. Even if you had years of resentments and a thousand reasons to hate him, he’ll assume the crumbs he feeds you will be enough to earn undying loyalty.”
She frowns, thinking. “I suppose that’s right. I hadn’t thought about it like that.”
“I’ve seen it,” I grumble. “Most people would assume that throwing an innocent man in prison for ninety years would make him hate you, but Thorne thought he should be grateful to have been let out.”
Nana shrugs. “You’d have to elaborate on that, I think, but I know what you mean generally and yes, I think you’re right. The king truly believed I would come back, and maybe he was right too. I admit I was conflicted…I didn’t want to get married but I didn’t want to leave Ellender either. I thought I might get more clarity back home. I could see if I missed the place, you know?”
I nod. “I get it.”
“Anyway, he gave me an enchanted necklace.” She nods at the necklace around my throat. “He had a ball and gave me the gift in front of everyone, then promised to take me to the portal the following day since it was nearing dawn. I went to bed as usual, but overnight I grew curious.”
“Curious how?”
“I realized that if I was really going to be able to decide if I wanted to come back for the wedding after my trip to see my father ,” she makes air quotes with her fingers. “I’d have to know everything. I was going to get married. I couldn't still have questions about what was truly going on in the castle. So later that night—or rather, day—I ventured out of my room to see what was so secret. I snuck into the king’s private wing, and there I discovered this…room.”
“What, does he have a personal brothel back there?” I scoff, rolling my eyes.
She grimaces, a look of old horror passing over her face. “No…worse.”
I sit up straighter. “What’s in there?”
“It’s a crypt, I suppose you’d call it. A display room for the bodies of all the wives who’d come before me. They’re kept in cases on the wall, like butterflies pinned behind glass.”
“Oh my God…” I breathe, unable to find the right words to express my horror. “Holy shit. I can’t even picture that, why?—”
“Don’t try and picture it, Ali.” She shakes her head, her expression full of long repressed horror. “In any case, I ran out of there as fast as I could. I must have screamed when I saw all the bodies. I don’t remember, but something woke the king. He ran after me and burst through the door to his wing just after I’d made it back out into the hall.
“He hadn’t seen me in the room with the bodies, but he had to know I was snooping around, and now I knew why he was so furious about anyone going in there. I tried to explain what I was doing, but it was daylight and he was…different. Monstrous. It was like no matter what I did, I couldn’t reason with him or make him understand me. He’d turned into?—”
“—a beast,” I finish for her.
“Exactly. So I ran. I made it down the entrance hall, but then he inevitably caught up with me. I grabbed the sword from one of those big suits of armor he’s got and stabbed him with it.”
“Nana!” I exclaim, startled. “Holy shit.”
She laughs lightly but without humor. “It was the closest thing, and it did seem to slow him down.”
“I didn’t see any suits of armor,” I muse.
“Maybe he got rid of them after I left. I would have. Anyway, I ran all the way out of the castle. It helped that it was finally light out and I could see where I was going. I took my horse and rode as fast as I could back to the portal where I’d arrived, but I was sure that the king would follow me. In my panic to keep him from finding me, I set fire to the mine and destroyed the portal.”
I gape at her, startled by not only this revelation but the possible meaning behind everything else that happened since.
“So you caused the fire in Ironhill.”
She nods, looking pained. “I didn’t know what would happen—that it would take jobs from thousands of people or destroy the town. I wasn’t thinking about any of that, but even if I was, I can’t say I wouldn’t do it again.”
Shocked, I can only gape at her.
This isn’t exactly the story I was imagining. I’d thought Nana’s memories of Ellender would be more like the happy fairytale she wrote in A Kingdom of Thorns.
“So how did you come to write the book?” I ask.
She laughs again, with a real smile this time. “After I returned, I was half certain that none of it had been real. I had the necklace, but it took years before I knew if it worked. It was easy to convince myself I was going insane. I wrote the book to keep a record of it. Like a narrative journal.
“Quite a few years later after I was already married with a baby, my life wasn’t turning out the way I wanted. I don’t think it’s a secret that your grandfather and I had a difficult marriage. I had the idea to stash away extra money—just in case I ever wanted to leave Ironhill. I sent the book to a publisher, not really expecting to hear back, but I did almost immediately. They loved it, they just had one request—that I give the story a happily ever after.”
I realize I’m leaning forward, hanging on to her every word. “But why did you never leave Ironhill, even after you made all that money and the town was destroyed?”
“I don’t know. I just felt…stuck there. Like I had to stay and bear witness to the destruction that I’d caused.” She frowns, then shakes her head. “It’s a good thing I did, though, or you’d never have been there. Was your experience at least better than mine?”
I heave a sigh. “I think I will take some coffee now. Maybe with some whiskey, if mom has any lying around.”
Nana smiles. “I think I can make that happen.”
It takes a surprisingly short amount of time to explain to Nana everything I’ve been through for the last month. She smiles at the mention of Odessa and Beatrix, but doesn’t interrupt me until I get to the part about meeting Aurelia and Daemon shoving me back through the portal.
“So he loves you,” she says, matter-of-factly. “I suppose that’s something. It means not all is lost.”
I blink at her, startled. “No, he doesn’t. That’s kind of the whole point, the king doesn’t love me. We don’t know who he loves.”
“Not the king, dummy.” She reaches across the counter and gives me a playful smack on the side of the head. “The man who was supposed to guard you.”
“Uh, no. I don’t think he does either.” I feel my face flush. “And anyway, is that what we should be focusing on?”
“What else is there to focus on? That’s all that matters.”
My chest squeezes. I wish that were true, but nothing is ever that simple.
“That’s nice, Nana, but there are real problems here. The curse isn’t broken, and Thorne has tried quite a few times before. According to you, he’s got an entire shrine of attempts to break the curse, and nothing has changed.”
“But now you know the truth of how the curse works, right? That changes things.”
I sigh. “That’s what I said too, but Daemon didn’t think so.”
She purses her lips and steeples her fingers in front of her, elbows on the counter. “Tell me how the curse goes again?”
I sigh and brush my hair back from my face. “The curse will only break when the King of Vernallis admits he is powerless and sacrifices whomever he loves most. But we have no idea who that is. It’s obviously not me—or you, I guess.”
She purses her lips. “Hmm. I don’t know, Ali. I wish I could give you some wisdom right now, but in my experience, men like Thorne never love anyone more than they love themselves.”
“Yeah,” I mutter glumly. “That’s pretty much what Daemon said too.”
I sit in depressed silence for a long second, feeling her eyes on me.
“If you could break the curse tomorrow, would you go back to Ellender?”
“Yes.”
“What if it never broke?”
I pause. That’s harder to answer. “I don’t know. Despite everything, I loved it there—especially whenever I got to see what was outside the castle. I made friends I’d want to spend every day with, but…”
“But what?”
“But I wouldn’t be happy without Daemon, and if the curse isn’t broken, he wouldn’t really be there.”
“Then you should go back,” she says flatly.
“What? But he told me to leave.”
“Yeah, so?” She rolls her eyes. “Men say a lot of things they don’t mean, especially when it comes to protecting women they love.”
I close my eyes. She keeps saying that—the L word—as if it’s set in stone. But it isn’t. We never said that to each other.
Except, maybe we kind of did. Not in so many words, but…
I’ll die before I let anyone hurt you.
I can’t stop thinking about you.
You’re mine.
“Ali?” Nana interrupts the explosion of realization going on in my mind.
I shake my head. I don’t know how to explain to her the shift going on in the back of my head, like some pieces are falling into place, and yet so many more lay scattered on the ground, face down and impossible to fit into place.
“Maybe if I knew what to do,” I muse, more to myself than to Nana. “If I had some way to fix things, I’d have to go help Daemon, but I don’t know the answer. The king doesn’t love anyone enough to sacrifice them. The only person he loves is himself.”
And then, in a sudden blinding second, I get it. The missing puzzle pieces right themselves in my brain and fly into place, showing the entire picture so clearly that I can’t believe it took me this long to understand. “Oh my God,” I blurt out, unable to think of a single more eloquent thing to say.
Smiling slightly, Nana stands from her chair and pats the counter in front of me with the palm of her hand to get my attention. I look up at her with wide eyes, still reeling from my revelation. “I’m going to leave you to think,” she says. “I’m sure you have plans to make and not a lot of time to make them.”
I nod, my mind still reeling. “Thanks, Nana.”
“Oh, and Ali?” she says, already moving toward the hall. “Even if you don’t come up with the perfect plan overnight, don’t cut yourself off at the knees. Take it from someone who dreamed her entire life about a happily ever after and never really found one. Love and family are the only things that matter. Everything else is temporary.”
By the time I’m finished talking with Nana, the sun is coming up for real. For once, the sight of pink in the dark sky doesn’t mean the end of something, but the beginning.
I don’t know whether I’m excited or delusional, but I feel almost giddy as I dash back to my room to shower and get dressed.
The only things here are the rejects from my high school wardrobe that never made it out when I left for college and ultimately got married. I try pulling on a pair of ripped skinny jeans and can barely get them over my thighs. The PINK leggings are somehow worse, and stretched so thin over my ass I’m sure it’s worse than the wet T-shirt I wore in Ellender. I sigh and march down the hall to my mom’s room.
Mom’s clothes aren’t my style any more than the rejects from the early 2000s, but they at least fit and I have to admit that her Lululemon workout leggings are pretty damn comfortable compared with the stockings Odessa always gave me to wear.
When I’m dressed, I borrow some cash and the car keys from my mother and drive down to the twenty-four-hour Walmart, stopping only once on the way for coffee. If things go well, I won’t get to drink ice coffee with aspartame syrup and whipped cream anymore, so I might as well go all out now.
At Walmart I grab a cart and make a beeline for the hardware aisles.
In less than twenty minutes, I think I’ve got everything I need, plus a huge canvas backpack to hold it all in. I look like I’m about to go backpacking across the world—which I guess isn’t the worst analogy ever.
I go back to mom’s house long enough to drop off the car and grab my Ellender dress and shoes. To my immense relief, Nana is the only one there.
“Kevin drove your mother to work,” she says when I walk in. “I told her you took the car because I asked you to pick up my prescription.”
“Do you need a prescription picked up?”
“No. I don’t have any, but your mother never asks questions if I sound elderly. Honestly, I think that her going to ‘work’ is code for ‘touring retirement communities.’ She didn’t even complain that you took her car. Clearly, she’s up to something.”
I shake my head. “Do you need me to stay for a couple of days and help you talk Mom out of buying you a house on Cape Cod or wherever?”
Nana shakes her head. “Don’t worry about me. I can handle my own daughter, Ali.”
“She’s going to sell your house.”
“Let her.” Nana scoffs. “I think I’m finally going to do something with all that money I’ve been holding on to. Maybe I’ll travel. Who knows, I might come visit you. Christmas might be fun in Ellender. Assuming you’re not all cursed, obviously.”
“Wait, what? Come visit?”
She smiles mischievously. “I think you’re forgetting that it doesn’t have to be only one world or the other. You could always come visit us, and I could go there.”
That actually hadn’t occurred to me. It feels like the choice is here or Ellender, but could it really be both?
“But Nana,” I begin. “Are you sure, I mean traveling like that is stressful and maybe Mom isn’t totally crazy to be thinking about retirement…”
“Pfft,” she interrupts me with a scoff. “Please. I have another three or four decades coming to me. If anyone should retire, it’s your mother.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Nana, not to be morbid, but…are you sure? You’re in your eighties.”
She smiles at me conspiratorially. “I wore that necklace for years, Ali. How do you think I look so good for my age? Don’t tell your mother, but I think she’s older than I am now by a few years, at least.”
My jaw drops and I have to force myself to close it again. I take a sip of my nearly cold coffee. “Yeah, you’re right. We can absolutely never tell her that.”
Nana promises to explain my absence to my mother, and honestly, I’m just relieved that I don’t have to do it. I have no idea what she’s going to say, but better her than me.
Then with one last hug and a promise to visit, I take my backpack and walk out the door, ready to return to the portal.
For once in my life, I’m not worrying about what anyone else thinks. I’m doing this for me—and maybe, for the chance of happily ever after.