Chapter 42
“You gather we should be on the lookout for any monsters?” Gabriel quips from his seat next to the window, a wide, silly grin on his face.
“Why did I just know that you were going to make this joke at least once while we’re here?” James retorts. His shoulders shaking with barely suppressed laughter as he takes a seat next to Gabriel, leaning his head on his hand as his eyes roam over the vast body of water.
The Ness stretches out before them, as beautiful as he’s ever seen a loch. The water glitters under the winter sun, white light reflecting as far as James can see. The city of Inverness becoming clearer on the horizon with every passing mile.
It feels like a coincidence that they’re here to celebrate the turning of the year. His parents’ vacation home at the edge of the city will make a nice place to ring in the year in solitude, just the two of them. His mother mentioned the house being empty, if the trip would take him close to it.
It’s already past noon when the train rolls to a stop at the station and James is anxious to go into the city, stretch his legs along the way. This is one of the cities he knows. While he’s not as familiar with it as Gabriel was with Amsterdam, he knows his way around.
A vacation home meant infrequent trips up here in the past, but so did it with all the other houses scattered around the country. When he was younger he always wished they would spend more time here rather than the modern apartment in London.
Exploring the city with Gabriel by his side sounds a lot more appealing in the end. For today he’s planned a short hike alongside the river. To enjoy the crispness of the fresh air and stretch their legs after the longer travel.
Today will be the last time The Evergreen offers an a-la-carte menu, meaning that he planned to take advantage of it for one last time and have dinner in the warm restaurant.
From where Gabriel’s sitting he’s still sniggering from his joke, clearly proud of himself despite the unoriginality of it. James smiles as he stands back up to pull on his shoes.
“And you’re sure you want to go for a hike? Aren’t there any museums or old churches you want to look at?” Gabriel asks, a slight whine in his voice.
James bites back another smile as he replies, “We’ve got all day for that tomorrow. Besides, the trail’s only about an hour.”
“An hour!” Gabriel exclaims, clearly playing it up to mess with James. He stands up as well, pulling on his coat and tugging the beanie over his head. James loves how the deep color sharpens the green in Gabriel’s eyes.
James offers Gabriel his hand, who takes it with a smile and a soft squeeze. “We’ll have something to eat first, yeah? Go for a walk after.”
Gabriel squeezes his hand again and leads them out of the cabin. The silence is enough to cause a spike of fear to enter James’ mind, anxiety of making Gabriel do something he doesn’t want to do. “If you really-”
“Stop that,” Gabriel interjects, clearly knowing where James’ thoughts are headed. “The walk’s fine. I’m only teasing, you know that.”
“But we could-” This time it’s not Gabriel’s words that interrupt him, but the gentle press of his mouth. James’ eyes close instinctively, leaning into the soft touch. It’s there for all of three seconds but it leaves him dazed, nonetheless.
“No need to overthink this. It’s a nice day out, we’ll explore the trail and after dinner I get to cuddle you close while we watch a movie,” says Gabriel as he twists the key into the lock of the room.
With a satisfied hum and an extra jiggle to the doorknob he steps back and turns to James. “So it’s already a win in my book.”
James’ heart skips a beat. Maybe two, or three.
Gabriel’s not often vocal about his feelings; it’s one of the things James learned very quickly.
But the tactility and understanding in every affectionate gesture he’s shown toward James makes up for it plenty.
That clearly doesn’t mean that it isn’t nice to hear Gabriel confess that he just likes being with James, no matter what they end up doing.
With the soft confession the worry eases, making way for a warm satisfied hum low in his stomach that he’s sure will be there all day. He didn’t know just how reassuring it could be to hear your partner admit things like that, so casually and freely.
The air feels crisp when they step off the train.
It’s colder than in Ghent, which might be caused by the breeze coming from the water.
James breathes in, enjoying the open air already.
It feels less crowded than the other cities.
The Arctic had been a special case on his own, so it’s nice to find a city that feels this spacious.
A suitable place for lunch is easily found from one of the recommendations in his notebook, and they spend an hour indulging in burgers and fries. The food is warm, delicious and filling enough to last them the afternoon.
*
James has the hike mapped out in his notebook and with those guidelines he leads them to the beginning of the trail.
“Oh hell no. We’re not going into nature with just your printed map.
Here,” Gabriel protests, quickly pulling up the route on his phone and giving it to James.
James pouts, but the thoughtfulness of Gabriel wanting to make sure they won’t get lost wins in the end and he grips the device in his hand.
For a while, they walk in silence. Alongside riverbanks, through tree lines and over bridges. It’s silent. Something they haven’t experienced much of during the hecticness of the journey and it feels nice to just take a breath and enjoy the beautiful nature trail around them.
A shrill ringing breaks James out of his reverie. To his surprise it’s his own phone, ringing with a tune he hasn’t heard for quite some time now. He slides the device out of his pocket.
His brow furrows as he slips off the glove from his right hand and shakily swipes right to answer the call.
“James,” the burly voice on the other end greets him. It sounds equal amounts shocked and relieved. “I didn’t think you’d pick up.”
James scoffs, snarling a little, “Then why did you call?”
The man on the other end sighs, clearly expecting it. “To apologize, I suppose.”
Gabriel bends forward slightly, trying to meet James’ eye. James shakes his head, looking away.
“Oh?” He says, perplexed. He can’t say he expected it. Knowing the kind of man his father is, he figures that this isn’t something to take lightly.
“Your mother, she…hmm…shed some light on things. Made me realize how wrong I’ve been.” There’s a silence, the older man clearly looking for the right words. “As caught up as I was in my own prejudice and need for approval, I didn’t realize that I was losing my only son in the process.”
James’ eyes well up. He tries to blink the tears away, not wanting to show the weakness. His eyes find Gabriel’s calculating ones. “Yes, well…”
“I should’ve seen it sooner, and for that I can only apologize. I do hope you’ll bring around that young man your mother has been telling me about. Gabriel, I believe?”
For a second the world stops, everything falling into place.
“I see, so I’m welcome again because I happen to be dating a Patterson heir?
” The anger comes on so fast that it feels blinding, white hot burning through his veins.
His hand grips the phone so tight he can hear it creak in protest. Gabriel’s eyes harden, turning sad, where they’re still holding eye contact.
“What? No, of course not. You’re always welcome, you’ve always been welcome.” The heavy swallow from his father is audible. “It’s my fault that you haven’t felt that.”
“So it doesn’t have to do with Gabriel being a Patterson, then? That’s hard to believe,” James mocks, huffing sarcastically.
“Your mother failed to mention that, actually.”
James deflates, relief curling around the anger brewing in his heart and diminishing some of the heart ache. “Did she?” He can’t help but smile now.
“She just said that you’re dating a wonderful young man who’s accompanied you on your trip. And that if I didn’t get my head out of my ass I would lose you forever. And that she wouldn’t let me meet him.”
The words shock a laugh out of James. “That sounds like mum alright.”
All of a sudden his father’s tone switches to something lighter, almost teasing. It feels nostalgic and reminiscent of when he was younger. “Your mother wants me to tell you that she figured that you weren’t just roommates. And that she’s looking forward to lunch soon.”
James smiles, tears in his eyes, and he replies, “Tell her she’s too nosy for her own good. And I’ll make sure to come around sometime in the upcoming months.” It’s all he can offer at this time, scarred as he still is.
“It’s more than I deserve,” his father admits and with that the call ends. It’s with a weird mix of sadness and relief that James lowers the phone and stuffs it into his jacket pocket. He buries his head in his hands and starts sobbing.
Somewhere in a distant part of his brain he’s reminded of them being out in the open. The more rational part of him tells him that it’s okay, to let it all out. And as Gabriel takes him into his arms and whispers soft reassurances, he knows that this is a turning point.
On the cusp of the new year, standing on the Scottish waterline, he finally - finally - grieves the year he lost living in limbo, stuck between losing the past and fearing the future.