Chapter 23 Oak #2
We all sit in silence as we remember his father, Garrett Crow. A good man, a great father, a great Sheriff to his community, and a loving husband.
Out of respect we all attended his funeral.
But no one felt his death more than his son and his wife.
“I’m sorry, Crow. I don’t know how many apologies I can say to make it right,” Sticks says gruffly.
Crow grunts, clearing his throat. “I’ve accepted your apology a long time ago.”
He then rises from his chair with every intention to leave. It goes against Church rules, but then again he isn’t a member. The rules don’t apply to Crow. Addressing Sticks he tells him rather than asking, “If that is all I will see my way out. If any new information arises I’ll let you know.”
Everyone except me watches as Crow leaves and respectfully shuts the door behind him.
“Oak,” Sticks calls out my name in a stern voice.
My eyes cut over to his but my facial expression gives nothing away. “Yes?”
“I understand that you are hurt and I acknowledge that what Crow did was wrong. But if we are to work with him we need not to make an enemy of him. Do you understand?”
Begrudgingly I reply, “Yes.”
He nods his head. “Good. Now leave and try to fucking save your ass with him before he decides to serve it to the feds on a silver platter.”
I’ve never been dismissed before Church has come to an end, which means the little show Crow and I put on Sticks wasn’t very appreciative of.
He’ll scold me later for it, I’m sure. And I’ll have to find a way to make it up to him.
Not wanting to make matters worse, or piss off Sticks even more, I nod my head and excuse myself quietly.
“Crow.” My voice booms throughout the compound and he stops.
He turns and his stone green eyes meet mine. “I thought we were done?” His tone is nonchalant.
“We are,” I confirm but then add, “But we have to put our differences aside if we continue to work with each other.”
Crow laughs. “You’re the only one who is making it a problem, Oak.”
“You’re acting as if what you did didn’t cause me any suffering. As if I hadn’t already experienced enough of it before you and Lana fucking added to it.”
He crosses the room, his strides powerful and lethal.
He stands before me unafraid and not intimidated in the slightest.
“You think you’re the only one who’s suffered?
” Crow’s eyes harden to stone and there’s a bite in his tone that sounds like he wants to rip me in two.
“You think you’re the only one who’s experienced loss?
” His jaw ticks and he swallows thickly.
There’s a deep pain in his eyes and if you look closely you can catch the glimpse of heartbreak.
And it you dare to look closer you can see the broken soul.
“An IUD blew seven of my brothers like they were fucking fireworks and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
” His voice breaks at the end. He then laughs bleakly, the sound horrid and hollow.
“You think you’re the only one who suffers with regret?
” He takes a step away from me and it looks as if the man who is made of stone is crumbling.
But as he crumbles, the anger comes. And with that anger follows all the emotions Crow never expresses.
I always thought he was impenetrable. That nothing bothers him.
But that’s not true.
Crow is just incredibly good at hiding it.
“I carried my brother over my back with his leg barely attached to his body. I carried him and left seven behind because I couldn’t save them.
” Heartbreak and a deep sorrow fills his eyes and I have to swallow back the lump that forms in my throat.
Because that look in his eyes is one I’ve seen way too many fucking times.
And that story, that memory that haunts him hits way too fucking close to home.
“And I carried him for what felt like hours. And you know what the worst part is Oak?” He doesn’t wait for me to respond as tears glisten in his eyes.
“He told me to let him go. He begged me to end it for him.”
Tears burn at the back of my eyes but I press them back. My finger twitches rapidly against my outer thigh as my heart feels like it’s going to rip out of my chest. I can feel my lungs constricting as the air feels like sand.
“But I didn’t.” His voice is rough with unshed tears.
“I carried him all the way to the medic. And I waited and waited as they operated on him.” His eyes harden again, and the emotions fall flat off his face.
Back is the man made of stone. Back is the man who is impenetrable.
“They did the best that they could. But there was a piece of shrapnel that caused irrevocable damage, rendering him paralyzed. You see, he could’ve lived with losing a leg.
He could’ve lived with part of his face and neck being scarred.
But paralyzed? Being paralyzed was a death sentence for him.
And he hates me for saving him.” I can hear the anger in his voice.
I can hear the pain. His neck muscles are strained as a vein pulses harshly there.
“Don’t act like you are the only one who has suffered.
You’re not. And sadly you won’t be the last. We’re the same that way, Oak.
We’re more alike than you’ll ever care to admit, but you want to know the biggest difference?
I get help for the war inside my head. And there are days where it beats me down more than others but I talk to someone.
I attend group therapy and I see my fucking therapist. That hole we dug for ourselves I’m climbing out of, but you?
You’re living in it. And I’m sorry, Oak, but I refuse to make that hole home.
” He chucks my shoulder harshly as he walks pass me and doesn’t look back.
I remain where I stand, paralyzed, but on the inside it feels as if I’ve been obliterated.
I’m suffocating with the cold hard bitter truth.
Because as much as I want to get out of this hole I’ve dug myself I’ve done nothing to help myself get out of it.
And how can I ask for forgiveness, how can I accept it when I haven’t even forgiven myself?
How can I move forward when I haven’t made amends with my past?
Crow’s right.
Which means I have to do what I’ve been avoiding since I’ve been home.
I have to confront my past.
I told Grace that I was going to let her in.
It’s finally fucking time that I do, because if I don’t then I’ll never be able to love her the way she deserves, and I’ll never be able to live.