Chapter 25 Gracie Mae
Gracie Mae
The most painful thing you will ever experience is not your own pain, but from seeing the pain engulf the person you love.
And as Oak clutches onto my hips with desperate hands, his fingers biting in my skin with a ferocious hold, and his face buried against my stomach as thunder like cries wrack his entire body, it's one of the most painful things I have ever experienced.
His tears have soaked through the material of the shirt I had put on after he had left for Church. He still has a fierce hold on me but his cries have subsided.
I run my fingers soothingly through his hair before I cradle the back of his head and hold him close to me.
His breathing has become less ragged and more even, as if it doesn't pain him to draw in air. He then places a soft lingering kiss on my stomach before resting his head back against it.
I swallow the emotion balling in my throat and move my hands along his shoulders. His muscles immediately soften from my touch.
Knowing this position can't be the most comfortable for him, but also knowing he'll stay here forever if I don't make the decision to move, I begin to pull away from him.
His fingers bite into my skin harder and his eyes widen as he looks up at me with a panicked expression. "Don't leave me." His voice sounds hoarse from his sobs, but he says it in the smallest voice I've ever heard from him.
"I'm not going anywhere," I promise him. "But I know you can't be comfortable."
"I have you in my arms. It doesn't get more comfortable than that."
My god, he says the most heartfelt words. "Then trust me to take care of you, Oak."
"I've never trusted anyone more than you."
I smile softly at him as I caress his face. Then, I take his hand that has a death grip on my hip and wrap it around his. Next, I remove his hand from my hip and bring it to my lips to press a chaste kiss against it. "Come with me."
He nods his head and rises from his knees. Taking both of his hands I lead him to the en-suite bathroom.
Opening the glass door to the shower I then turn the handle to the warm setting. As the stream heats up I then begin to undress Oak.
My hands aren't lingering and my motivation isn't sexual. As I remove the pieces of clothing with his help I keep my touch gentle and soft against his skin. Once he's completely undressed, I do the same.
The warm water sprays against us, and Oak immediately moves to take the brunt of the water.
Moving around him I go to the custom built in shelf and grab his shampoo bottle. I squirt a healthy amount in my hand, and when I turn to face him I realize this isn’t going to work with him standing.
As if he can hear what I'm thinking he sits himself down on the built in shower bench. I smile gratefully at him.
With his legs spread wide he positions me to stand between them. He bows his head, which is at level with my breasts, and I begin to wash his hair.
Lathering the shampoo in his hair I also massage his scalp. Little sounds of pleasure escape him and it swells my heart. Twining my fingers in the ends of his hair I tip his head back. He looks up at me with his icy blue eyes but they're soft. It's as if they're melting before me.
Leaning down I place the softest kiss to the bridge of his nose.
He closes his eyes, as if memorizing how my kiss feels upon his skin, and a small but soft smile plays on his lips.
When he reopens his eyes they seem lighter and my heart swells with happiness. I nod my head towards the shower head and he rises on his feet and places himself under the stream.
As he works out the suds in his hair I make work with lathering the washcloth with soap.
We finish at the same time and once he steps away from the spray I begin to wash his body.
I pay special attention to the tattoos that serve as a memorial to the brothers he lost and the scar that nearly cost him his own life.
Tears burn at the back of my eyes imagining a world where he doesn't exist. A world where he died with them.
With his thumb on my chin and his index finger underneath he tips my head up and searches deep in my eyes. “You're upset." His voice is still gruff from his cries but not as grated.
I swallow from the intensity of his stare. “I'm not upset." I even offer him a smile but it feels wrong because all these emotions rising within me feel like they are going to swallow me whole.
He steps closer to me and places his large roughened hand on my hip. "What is it, baby?"
I place my hand flat on his scar and he breathes thinly as his eyes close with a pained expression twisting his face. Swallowing thickly I then say to him in a whisper that sounds more like a sorrow filled whimper, "I just can't imagine a world where you don't exist."
His eyes flash open and I can see the emotions all held in there. Suddenly my feet are off the tiled floor as he lifts me up and places my back against the tiled shower wall. I wrap my legs around him as my hands are placed against his chest.
"I'm here," he assures me. He then adds, "I'm not going anywhere."
Tears brim my eyes and I can't hold them back any longer. Nor can I hold back the fear of losing him. "I don't want to lose you to the pain, Oak."
"You're not," he promises me.
"I know that you feel the need to punish yourself because you survived. But I-I-" My voice falters as I think of him taking his own life. "I won't allow you to hurt yourself any longer. And I won't let you take your own life."
He curses under his breath and with swift movement he's turning off the shower and walking us back to the bedroom. Not caring that we're both drenched he lays me down on the bed and hovers over top of me.
My face is cradled in his hands as his elbows support his upper body weight. "I'm not going to lie to you and say I haven't thought about it, because I have. And I've come dangerously close. But I can never go through with it, Grace."
I place my hand over his heart, feeling it beat beneath my hands. "I don't want the pain to become so great that you do, Oak."
"Part of the reason I never could is because living is far more painful. And by ending it-"
"It's not just ending it, Oak," I say to him, my voice choked with tears, "it's taking your life."
His jaw flexes as he nods his head. "Taking my life," he says lowly, his eyes bleeding into mine with a confession falling from his lips that he's not proud to say, "it would be too easy.
Living with their deaths on my head wouldn't be.
And I thought for the longest time that's what I needed.
Punishing myself, feeling the pain, it was the only way I could justify myself living. "
A single tear falls from my eye and he captures it with the swipe of his thumb. "Do you still need that?" I ask almost afraid of his answer but needing the truth. Because my heart is already involved and I don't want him to use my love as a way to bring pain upon himself by pushing me away one day.
"I don't know, Grace," he says and I can feel my heart being crushed by his hands.
"But I do know that every moment I spend with you I find the idea of living the life I have led less and less suitable, whereas the life I want to live with you, the life you make me believe is possible, I find that life far more worth living. "
Oh god, my heart weeps as I stare up at him with eyes blurred and my hands trembling. "You're choosing to be happy? With me?"
His head descends to where the tip of his nose brushes against my own.
I close my eyes as his breath fans over my face.
"I'm choosing you every time, Grace. Being with me isn't going to be easy.
There will be battles ahead of us but I can't let you go.
I can't. I need you. I need you more than I ever needed the pain.
I need you so much that sometimes it causes me pain.
But I'm not a man without faults, Grace.
And there are going to be days where they kick me in the fucking ass. "
I open my eyes hoping he can see the truth in them. "You know I'll fight them with you. I'll always fight with you."
He smiles, a small smile that pulls his lips up on one side. "I know. And you have no idea how much that means to me. I can never give you anything in return for that."
"You don't have to."
"I know that, too. It's just the last person I was with, Lana, she found my battles not worth fighting for. And she made me believe that I wasn't worth fighting for."
I cup his face in my hand and he leans into my touch.
"I could kill her." This Lana girl, wherever she is now, she better hope that she never crosses paths with me.
I'm not known to be a violent person and more often than not I do believe in giving others a second chance, forgiveness.
But this, I don't think that I can. Not when she gave up on a man she supposedly loved when he had been fighting with all of his heart.
"You could but I have to thank her in a way," he says, surprising me.
My brows pull together. "What for?"
He thumb swipes along the apple of my cheek before he traces my brow bone, and then my lips with his finger.
"Because if she hadn't done what she did, as painful as it was, I would have never come here to Stonesville.
I wouldn't have met all these people I consider family.
But more importantly I would have never met you.
And you, Gracie Mae Vale, have always been meant to be with me. "
Tears pool in my eyes for an entirely different reason. My heart swells inside my chest and I fear it may burst with the love I have for this man. "You're seeing the bright side."
"Yeah," he agrees, lowering his body so that I can feel the weight of him. His eyes dance with humor and light as he says, "A girl I can't live without told me to start seeing the gifts that each day can bring. I'm taking her advice."
I smile up at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "She sounds like a really smart girl. Maybe you should listen to her more often."