Chapter 15 #2
Melody is, unfortunately, as nice as she is pretty, and she talks animatedly and with passion about her work as a conservation officer in the New Forest, as well as her volunteering with the rescue dogs.
It’s interesting hearing her speak about them, and she obviously knows both Aidan and his pack very well.
I suspect, from the easy way she laughs with him and the way she touches his arm when she speaks, that she knows him intimately. Or at least has done.
At first, thinking about that confirms that I am actually jealous, unfair as that is. But a few minutes after that sting fades away, I’m left with something altogether more familiar: sadness.
I hold it together just fine, taking part in the conversation and laughing in all the right places, but inside I am retreating.
I’m very skilled at appearing engaged with the outside world while simultaneously running away from it, and tonight’s is a vintage performance.
I get in my round– my dad drummed that into us from being kids– and only start making ‘going home’ noises when I near the end of that glass.
Aidan looks disappointed, and the others all try to persuade me to stay a little longer.
‘I’ve got to be up at the crack of dawn,’ I tell them, ‘to get ready for an online meeting with my publisher.’ It’s a big fat lie.
All I have to do tomorrow is a bit of admin, and hand sign a big box of promotional hardbacks for the PR team.
The truth is, I can’t stand seeing him with this bright young thing by his side.
She is age-appropriate; she is sweet and lovely; she is a Wolfdog guru, and she is the kind of girl who could grow old with him, not before him.
I’m going to bow out of this scenario gracefully.
In a way I’m glad this has happened; it stopped me from doing something wild and reckless that I may well have come to regret.
Frankly, I regret even thinking about it.
It was like a virtual door opening in my mind, only to slam back shut in my face.
I make my goodbyes, and escape into the chilly night air. I spot a car parked up near the pub, an unbearably cute vintage VW Bug in red. The back windscreen is decorated with stick-on pictures of wolves howling at the moon, and the name of the rescue. God. Even her car is cool.
I scurry across to my home, my little refuge, and fight with the key as usual.
I can’t wait to shut the world out again.
I’ve just about managed to open the door when I hear Aidan calling my name.
I freeze briefly, and wonder if I can get away with pretending I haven’t heard him.
It’s a tough lie to sell on a tiny street empty of traffic noise, but I give it a go.
I’m into the hallway and about to close the door when he reaches me. Damn.
‘Can I come in?’ he asks. I consider saying no, but that really would be churlish.
He’s done nothing wrong, and I’m not angry or annoyed.
Not with him anyway. I gesture him through and follow him into the living room.
I make a show of yawning, as though I’m not in fact planning on sitting up working for the next few hours to distract myself.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asks bluntly, sitting down on the sofa as though to make it clear he’s not going to be fobbed off.
‘Nothing at all!’ I reply, slightly surprised that he even noticed. I’m normally much better at hiding it when I’m upset. Maybe the ignoring him when he shouted gave it away. Damn. Must always carry earbuds in future. ‘Why would you think that? And shouldn’t you be looking after your guest?’
‘Melody’s fine. She’s with Cal and Zoe, and anyway, she’s a big girl. She backpacked around India on her own, I’m sure she’ll cope with the pub.’
Of course she did, I think bitchily. I’m sure she’s deeply spiritual on top of everything else, and probably much better at yoga than me too… God, I hate myself right now.
‘Something’s not right,’ he says. ‘Has something happened? With him?’
I realise that he’s worried about the situation with my stalker, and I feel like an idiot for not understanding that straight away. Of course he is. I sit down on the chair opposite him, and decide that this is one of those occasions that calls for a touch of truth.
‘No, honestly, that’s all fine. I just… Is Melody an ex?’
He looks genuinely stunned, and then looks genuinely a bit smug. ‘Are you jealous, Sarah?’
‘Yes. No. Maybe.’
‘I see. Well, that cleared that up. Look, Mel and I… I suppose it’s a friends with benefits thing.
When we’re both single and both in the mood, we hook up.
We enjoy each other’s company and we both like sex.
It’s nothing serious, and we’re both cool with each other saying no when it doesn’t feel right.
But these days, it’s definitely just friends, not benefits. I promise.’
He looks so earnest as he speaks, leaning forward so he is closer to me. ‘I have no interest in Melody. I’m only interested in you.’
‘I still don’t get it, Aidan. I’m too old. I’m too difficult. I’m… just not right for you.’
A flicker of irritation crosses his face. I’ve still got the magic.
‘Sarah, it’s not up to you to decide what is or isn’t right for me. I might be younger than you, but I’m a grown ass man who knows his own mind. Stop being condescending.’
‘I’m not! I’m… Okay, maybe I am, a bit. I’m sorry.
And maybe the problem lies with me and not you, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
I’m not friends with any of my former partners.
Admittedly that’s not a long list, but I’m not.
I value our friendship, Aidan, and I don’t want to lose it.
I don’t have enough trust to expect this thing between us to work. I’m sorry.’
He puffs out air and runs his hands over his face. ‘I get it,’ he says. ‘Trust is a tricky beast. I have my own issues on that front. You know I have a difficult relationship with my dad?’
I nod. I’ve always been curious about that, but he’s very gently parried any questions I’ve asked.
‘We always clashed a little,’ he continues, staring into the distance.
‘Once I was past adolescence, it was like we were somehow competing, I guess. Stags in the forest, macho bullshit. Little things, like who could run faster, who could drink the most whisky, who could bench press the heaviest weights. Who made the biggest deals. It was the way he raised me, and it was one of the many toxic traits I was keen to get away from.’
‘What happened?’ I ask, because I can tell there is more to this story.
‘He won, I guess. Him and my mom split up when I was eighteen, but they genuinely kept it pretty amicable. Some of that was for the sake of me and my younger sister, Charlotte, but some was because they simply treated it as a kind of deal– they had rules, and respected them. It was, in a weird way, pretty civilised. Right up until he stole my girlfriend.’
‘He did what ?’ I ask in shock.
‘Stole my girlfriend. Francesca. We’d been together for three years, and everyone expected us to get married.
Hell, I suppose I expected that too. Except she ended up marrying Calloway senior instead.
They’d been sneaking around behind my back for months by the time I found out.
To this day, I’m not sure which betrayal hurt most– hers or his. ’
Wow. It takes a lot to make my dad look good, but I think he’s just managed it. I reach out and place my hand on his knee. ‘Aidan, I’m so sorry. That’s the big schism you mentioned?’
‘Yeah. It was too much for my mom. It completely fractured the balance of their relationship. She decided to move back here, and Charlotte came with her– she’d had her own problems, as you know. I stayed there for a while, trying to figure it all out. Maybe thinking I could win Francesca back.’
‘Is that what you wanted?’
‘No,’ he replies, the hint of a bitter smile on his face.
‘I actually didn’t. I suppose I just wanted to win .
Once I realised that, I decided to leave too.
For a while he was furious, because I was lined up to take over the business.
But since then he’s had another son with her, so I’m off the hook.
My dad will probably live forever anyway. ’
‘That’s dreadful. I’m not surprised you left.’
He nods and continues: ‘I suddenly understood that I didn’t even want the business, or the pressure, or that lifestyle of always having to prove myself to someone who basically wanted me to fail.
I was lucky. I had enough independent wealth to be able to walk away.
I think I’m actually grateful, to be honest. It was a wake-up call.
Made me realise I needed to change pretty much everything about my life.
If it hadn’t happened, maybe I’d have ended up like him.
Once I was away from him, from that whole world, I started to repair the damage, build myself back up. ’
I remember something he said to me the first night we really talked. ‘Damaged, not broken,’ I say. He quirks his lips in a more genuine smile, and his green eyes are intense as they look up at me.
‘Exactly that, Sarah. And now you know. I understand that trust doesn’t come easy.
But one of the things I decided, while doing that rebuilding, was that I wouldn’t let what happened take away my ability to trust. That I wouldn’t let myself become so scarred by cynicism that I couldn’t ever love again.
What happened with my dad and Francesca was heart-breaking.
But hiding away from love? That would be a tragedy. ’
I lean back in my chair and think about what he’s told me. I’m now even more impressed with him as a human being– to show such strength, such optimism in the face of fairly conclusive proof that the world sucks. He might be physically younger than me, but he is far wiser, and far braver.
‘Can I be honest with you?’ I ask quietly.
‘Always.’
‘I’m not as courageous a person as you, Aidan.
I’m trying, I really am, but to some extent it’s going against my nature.
Moving here, making friends, being part of a community, none of it is straightforward for me.
And then you come along, and frankly you scare me.
No, that’s not a strong enough word… You terrify me.
You’ve seen how I react when I’m frightened, the way I freeze. ’
He nods. ‘Yeah. I noticed it that first time, at Eggardon Hill.’
‘Well, it’s not just physical. I think I react the same way emotionally too.
I enjoy spending time with you, Aidan, and I know there’s a connection here.
I’m not going to pretend that I don’t find you attractive either, because we both know I’d be lying.
But I’m not you. I don’t have that same willingness to be open to love.
Friendship, yes, definitely. And who knows, with time maybe that will change.
But I know myself well enough to accept that maybe it won’t.
I can’t let you wait around for me to be different.
I might never be different, and you deserve better. This… This isn’t going to happen.’
He looks as though he wants to disagree, but he nods and stands up. ‘Well, I kind of regret asking you to be honest now. But okay. I hear you, Sarah.’
He looks sad, and I hate that I might have played a part in that. I walk hesitantly towards him, and say: ‘Is it okay to give you a hug? I think maybe we both need one.’
He opens his arms, and I step into them.
We cling on to each other, taking and giving comfort, and I sigh into his chest. The mood changes subtly, and he sweeps my hair away from my neck with gentle fingers.
I feel his breath against me, then his lips lightly touching the sensitive spot behind my ear.
My body takes on a life of its own, pressing against him, thrilled by the contact.
By the scent of him, the feel of his arms holding me so close.
‘You know I could change your mind, don’t you?’ he whispers, the words a warm caress dancing over my skin.
‘I know… I know you could. Please don’t, Aidan.’
He sighs, and I feel his reluctance as he pulls away. He looks at me, gives me the heart-melting smile, and shakes his head regretfully.
‘That kiss, at the party?’ he says slowly, his voice heavy and gruff. ‘That was real. I meant it with every part of me.’
He leaves, and I fall back onto the chair, drained and trembling. Have I just made a huge mistake? Have I sent him back to the pub to be consoled by Melody? And if I have, is that any of my concern?
No, I tell myself, it’s not. Aidan is my friend, and I need to draw a line under anything else.