Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
I check every live travel information source that I can find, looking for incoming flights from New York to London.
There are more than you’d think. Several are delayed by storms on the other side of the Atlantic, and I can’t quite figure out if he’s boarded, landed, or given up on the whole idea.
I wonder if I should message him, but eventually decide that this is a conversation that needs to be had face to face. It’s hard to grovel via WhatsApp.
Armed with the keys, I set off to Hazelwell.
I don’t want to waste any more time, and the longer I spend at home, the more chance there is that I could change my mind and chicken out completely.
I now know I was wrong to feel rejected and betrayed, but that doesn’t mean it wipes out the feeling entirely.
I can still feel the aftershocks of that pain, reminding me of how much is at stake here.
I want to see Aidan and try to figure things out, because the time I’ve spent with him has been the most euphoric and wonderful time of my life.
But the flip side of that is the pain. The agony of thinking I’d lost him cut me deep, and I’m terrified of feeling that again.
I’m taking a risk here, exposing myself to that roller coaster all over again.
At the moment I’m running on adrenalin and hope, but if I allow myself to sit down, to think, to worry about consequences, then I might well never leave the house again.
That struggle has always been real for me.
Even as I stand on the doorstep, looking at my car, I have my doubts.
What if he hates me? What if he kicks me out?
What if he does neither of those things, and we get together, but three years down the line when I’m all in he decides to trade me in for a younger model?
What if, what if, what if… I might have built a career on what ifs, but it can also derail me in situations where I need to be brave. And right now, I need to be brave.
I make the now very familiar night-time drive to Hazelwell. I park up, feeling a slight shiver of anxiety at the thought of being here alone for the first time. It is so secluded, so very dark, the wind whispering through the trees like a hungry ghost.
I go through the first gate and unlock the second.
I’m not one hundred per cent sure how the pack is going to react.
They are used to me, but they will be missing Aidan.
I’m not at all scared– I know they wouldn’t hurt me– but I’m also not sure they will welcome me either. Apart from Juno, of course.
I hear barking from inside the house as I let myself in.
There is a large hatch in the back door so they can come and go as they like, so I don’t know which of them are at home.
Juno comes skittering along the hallway, crashing into me and jumping up to lick my face.
She’s a big animal, and I gently push her away, then crouch down to stroke her and rub her ears.
‘Beautiful girl,’ I murmur, as she lets out plaintive little bleats. ‘At least you’re glad to see me, huh?’
Argent follows, loping low and tentatively towards me. I fuss over him, and see the other two peeking through from the kitchen. They don’t back away as I walk in their direction, and I’m so pleased that I head straight for the treat jar.
‘I know you’ve had your dinner,’ I tell them, as they all lurk around my feet, looking up at me with their amazing eyes, all shining colour and intelligence.
‘So don’t even think about howling for more…
You can have one of these each, and then later maybe there’ll be something juicy and meaty in the fridge… ’
They all accept a treat, and follow me around as I walk through the house.
I look at Aidan’s framed family photos, his battered guitar, his piled-high bookshelves.
His little office, set up with his computer and a landline.
I sniff the fleece jacket he’s left hanging up on the back of the door, hungrily inhaling the scent of his cologne. God, I miss him.
I make myself a mug of tea and drink it outside, watching the dogs chase each other and play.
I stay near to the house, though, because I’m really not brave enough to go into the woods by myself.
The dogs don’t seem to want to either, and I enjoy seeing their antics.
They all look so goofy and young when they’re messing around like this.
I can’t believe I ever found them threatening at all.
I go back inside, and Juno comes with me. I leave the rest out there; I know they are used to coming and going at will.
I glance at my phone and see that it is getting late.
I yawn and rub my eyes, suddenly overwhelmed by fatigue.
I have not slept well for way too long, and it is catching up with me.
I think maybe it’s also because I am here, in this place, where I feel safe and warm and protected.
Maybe now I am here, and now I know the truth, my brain is finally telling me to relax.
I try to check on flight information again, but the signal is dropping in and out, as it usually does. I don’t suppose there’s anything to be gained by it anyway, other than being prepared.
Eventually I simply sit down on the sofa and try to read a book, or at least turn a few pages.
Juno jumps up next to me, snuggling in, and I try to stay calm.
It’ll do no good if I’m like a coiled spring when he finally walks through the door.
The last thing I remember is the words starting to blur, and me putting the book down on my lap ‘to read later’.
After that, I’m sucked into a delicious black hole of a deep and for once dreamless sleep.
It’s probably the sound that wakes me. The sound would probably wake me even if I was dead. All four dogs are whining and woofing and being very vocal in their delight, because their human is home.
I’m splayed on the couch, the book on the floor, my brain still groggy.
He is standing above me, his hands on the dogs but his eyes on me.
I’m suddenly aware of my paint-spattered clothes, my unbrushed hair, the fact that I probably look like I’ve escaped from an institution.
Again, I realise belatedly that I don’t seem to think like normal women.
Shouldn’t I be in a slinky negligee and drenched in perfume?
‘How’s your dad?’ is the first thing I ask, clambering to my unsteady feet. He looks tired too, but also phenomenally gorgeous in smart jeans and a crisp white shirt. His green gaze is inscrutable, and I can’t tell at all from his expression what he’s thinking.
‘He’s okay, thanks. We… Well, it was good to clear the air. As much as we could. I tried calling you to tell you, but you didn’t answer. Eventually I suppose I got the message and gave up.’
I rub my hair back from my face and bite my lip. I deserved that.
‘I know. And I’m really sorry.’
God, I sound so lame. Before he was standing here in front of me, I had all kinds of speeches prepared. I had the perfect words to tell him what I want to tell him. But now he is here, in all his glory, and I am so uncertain. I have gone with the flow, and now I am drowning.
‘About my dad?’
‘About everything. About the way I left things. About being me.’
He frowns slightly and shakes his head. ‘Don’t do that. Don’t make this a thing about how you’re just broken. I hate it when you do that.’
‘I know,’ I say, gulping. ‘And I won’t. But I’m trying to explain and I’m not doing very well. So, imagine that I’m a lot younger.’
He raises his eyebrows. ‘Sarah, I’m too tired to have yet another conversation about your age.’
‘No, no, honest, that’s not what this is! Imagine I’m so much younger that I’ve never been in love. Imagine I’ve never understood what it feels like to need somebody. Imagine everything that’s happened to me since I met you has been new, happening for the first time…’
‘You’re not a virgin, Sarah.’
‘No, but emotionally, I kind of am. Or at the very least I’m…
I don’t know, immature. This is nothing to do with our ages.
Because, frankly, you’re the grown up here.
You’re the one who is wise enough to know what he wants and to ask for it.
You’re the one brave enough to talk about love, despite everything that you’ve gone through. I’m… a baby. A big, fat, crying baby.’
His lips start to twitch, and I see a flash of amusement in his eyes.
‘You’re not fat,’ he says. ‘But maybe you were a bit of a baby.’
The dogs are still winding around his legs, tails whacking, shoving their heads beneath his hands. I push my way gently through them so I’m standing right in front of Aidan. I place one hand on his chest, over his heart. I feel it thud beneath my palm, and look up into his eyes.
‘I got scared, Aidan,’ I say simply. ‘I was scared and confused, and I ran. I regretted it so much. I did come back to tell you that, but Melody was here…’
I see him put it all together, and he nods in understanding. ‘And you assumed she was… consoling me?’
‘I did. And I know I was wrong, and I also know that if I’d bothered calling you back in the day, none of it would have happened. So, I’ve suffered like I’ve never suffered before, but I have nobody to blame but myself.’
‘You suffered, huh? How?’
He lays his hand over mine, and that small amount of contact makes my heart leap. It gives me the encouragement to go on.
‘I suffered because I was miserable without you. Because I thought I’d lost you, and that broke me.
Because I don’t want to go back to a life without you in it.
Because I love you too, Aidan. With every part of me, I love you.
And if you can forgive me, if you can bear to give me another chance, then I promise to show that to you every single day.
I won’t be perfect, but I will do my very best.’
He slides a hand around my waist and pulls me towards him. I land against his body and dare to hope.
‘I knew you were here,’ he says, his eyes running over my face.
‘Melody messaged me, plus your car was outside. I knew but I didn’t know what to expect.
I walked in, and you were surrounded by the pack.
They were all asleep with you. Juno on one side, Argent on the other.
Frost and Mabel at your feet. You were just lying there, in my home, curled up in the middle of my dogs.
It made me realise that they’re actually our dogs now.
It was… It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. ’
‘Really? I wasn’t drooling or anything?’
‘Maybe a little,’ he says, moving closer and nuzzling my neck. ‘But I don’t care. It was perfect. Seeing you, seeing them, it was perfect. It was exactly what I needed to see. And of course I’ll give you another chance. Of course I’ll forgive you. That’s what we do for people we love.’
I sink into him, the joy and the relief flowing through me in an almost physical sensation. He loves me. He still loves me. I lift my lips to his and kiss him. His arms tighten around me, and we lose ourselves in the moment.
The dogs howl around us and our world is finally whole. Three words come to mind: Special. Excited. Safe.