Chapter 18 #2
At least he was with official guards instead of running off alone without stopping to ask the king’s leave. It wouldn’t be the first time.
“I wouldn’t count on it,” Prince Patrick interjected. His brows were slightly raised, as if incredulous of the carefree attitude of his Siqualian counterpart. “They weren’t in a large group themselves, and they made excellent time from the port city to the capital.”
“Is that right?” Xavier mused. “Maybe it’s not worth it. I don’t want to chase them all the way to Crandell.”
“Why not?” Theo asked politely. “You could stop at Dernanford on the way home, complete your circuit of uninvited visits to all the capitals on the Peninsula.”
Xavier’s mouth twitched in the hint of a smirk, apparently feeling himself on more familiar ground with Theo’s dry responses.
“I think I’d be better off staying here for a little,” Xavier said.
He lowered his voice, sending the ghost of a wink at Elowen before adding, “The company is more bewitching than any in Carrack, I’m sure.
Princess Elowen might be in need of some cheer provided by Siqual’s interesting prince before shackling herself to its somber one. ”
“No doubt.” The words, hard and bitter, slipped from Theo’s lips. He stood abruptly. “Excuse me. I need to check in with my guard.”
He saw the astonishment on Xavier’s face at this reaction to his teasing, but worse was the hurt that crossed Elowen’s features before she could smooth them.
Theo winced as he bowed his head stiffly to the king and queen.
What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he pull himself together?
His head was throbbing so badly it was hard to marshal his thoughts at all.
Never in his life had he felt so close to falling apart. He had to get away from witnesses.
He was out of the room and halfway down the corridor before he registered the footsteps behind him.
“Theo!” Xavier appeared at his side, his brow furrowed as he grabbed Theo’s arm. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” said Theo curtly. “I’m sorry I lost my temper.”
He tried to pull free of Xavier’s arm to keep walking, but his brother hung on grimly.
“You’re my brother, Theo. I know you better than my own reflection, don’t try to tell me everything is fine with you when I can see plain as day you’re in the middle of some crisis.”
A servant rounded the corner ahead, eyes wide with interest as she bobbed a quick curtsy before moving past them. Theo put a hand to his head, wishing it would settle for a moment so he could think.
“Come to my suite,” he told his brother. “We can talk privately there.”
Xavier fell into step beside him, saying nothing further until they reached the sitting room of Theo’s guest suite.
“All right, out with it,” the older prince said, as soon as the door was closed. “What in the Peninsula is happening to you, Theo?”
“I’m not well, I think,” Theo acknowledged. He sank into an armchair. “Nothing serious, but my head feels like it’s on an anvil this morning.”
“All right,” Xavier said slowly. “You have my sympathy, but are you really trying to tell me that an aching head has stripped you of the ability to recognize when I’m teasing you? You just about took my head off back there, Theo, surely you knew I was joking?”
“Yes, of course I knew,” Theo said wearily, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.
“Well, I didn’t think you usually cared about that kind of thing.”
“I don’t,” said Theo shortly. “I’m just a bit short on patience this morning, that’s all.”
“Oh, that’s all, is it?” Xavier said shrewdly. “Nothing to do with having a weak spot for a certain golden-haired goddess with eyes any man would gladly drown himself in and features more delicate than a woodland sprite’s?”
Theo didn’t lift his head as he grunted. “You’ve always had a talent for speaking pretty nonsense, Xavier.”
“Only it’s not nonsense this time, is it?” Xavier asked, his tone more earnest than Theo had anticipated. “All those things really are true of your princess.”
“I suppose they are,” Theo said softly. “But I would never have thought those words, or said them even if I did.”
He looked his brother over, from the carelessly dashing way his hair swept over his forehead to the jaunty line of his jaw.
Xavier was—always had been—the kind of man women lost their heads over.
Theo had never imagined he would envy that.
But then he’d never imagined any woman would have the effect Elowen had on him.
Try as he might, he couldn’t keep the edge of bitterness from his voice.
“I’m about as prettily spoken as a swamp troll. You were right, she is deserving of pity for being tied to the dull brother. I have no doubt she’d prefer you if she’d been given the choice. You’d know just how to give her what her heart craves.”
“Whatever my reputation, I’ll restrain myself from seducing your betrothed,” Xavier said, with the self-deprecating humor that made him so popular among their set back home. “Theo, old boy, this isn’t like you. Dare I say it, you’re mooning! Are things really going so poorly with your princess?”
“She’s not my princess,” Theo said softly, his elbows on his knees now and his eyes on the rug beneath his feet. “I mean, I suppose she is my princess, or will be. But she’s not mine. I can’t win her, Xavier.”
Xavier sat down in the chair next to him, searching his face in a way Theo could feel without looking up.
“What’s going on, Theo? She seemed friendly enough toward you just now. Why are you convinced that you can’t win her over?”
Theo closed his eyes for a moment, willing his head to settle down. A fire was burning strongly in the hearth of the sitting room, but it still felt so unseasonably cold.
“She wants me to want her,” he said softly. The words felt dangerous, reckless, something he shouldn’t say even to Xavier. But he seemed to have very little control of his words that morning, and they slipped out into the stillness of the private moment. “But I can’t, Xavier.”
“Whyever not?” Xavier demanded, his voice not hushed like Theo’s had been. “Don’t eat me for saying it, Theo, but she’s just about the most delicious morsel I’ve ever seen.”
Irritation flared in Theo, but after one look at Xavier’s rakishly raised eyebrow, it was replaced by weary resignation. “You know I hate when you talk like that, Xavier,” he said. “Don’t waste your act on me, you don’t fool me as much as you think you do.”
He saw surprise flash across Xavier’s face. For a moment his brother looked cornered, struggling for what to say. Apparently no roguish quip came to mind this time, because he quickly changed the topic.
“Enough riddles, Theo. What’s amiss between you and your betrothed? Is her intellect dull under all that dazzling beauty? Or is she unprincipled? Do you worry she won’t be faithful?”
“Don’t talk about her like that,” Theo snapped. “She’s perfect. There’s nothing wrong with her, it’s me.”
“So why don’t you want her, then?” Xavier demanded.
“Not want her?” Theo groaned again. He buried his face in his hands, his voice coming out muffled. “It’s ripping me apart how much I want her. She’s all I can think about, it’s going to consume me, and her, too.”
“Why would that be a bad thing?” Xavier protested, incredulous at this display from his stoic brother.
“You know why!” Theo burst out.
If only his head would stop pounding. His thoughts were fuzzy and disordered, but his emotions weren’t dulled to match.
They were burning more fiercely with every passing minute.
The combination made it impossible to find his usual control, words pouring from his mouth that he never thought he’d say aloud.
“The last time I wanted anything half this much, the thing I wanted died before my eyes because of my own stupid decisions. And Miriam almost did, too.”
He looked up to find Xavier staring at him in confusion.
“You’re talking about the carbuncle? Why would you even think about that? It was so many years ago.”
“It might be a distant memory for you,” Theo said bitterly, “but for me, it was yesterday. I haven’t let myself pursue something just because I wanted it since that night.
” His eyes felt dull as he stared at his brother.
“I leave that to you. You do enough in that arena for both of us and then some.”
Xavier flinched, the movement so slight Theo wasn’t sure if he’d imagined it.
“It was hard when I was young,” he went on, his voice a murmur. “To deny myself the things I wanted. I learned that the best way was not to ever want anything too much. For Siqual, yes, of course, but not for myself. I thought I’d outgrown selfish desires, but then I met Elowen…”
His face dropped back into his hands.
“If I let my heart take control, I’ll fail my kingdom. If I protect the kingdom by keeping my emotions out of it, I’ll fail my wife before our marriage even starts. I can’t bear to do either. I’m trapped, Xavier.”
“Theo, this is madness,” Xavier protested. “You’re not in your right mind to be saying these things. Of course you’re allowed to want things. Being royal doesn’t mean you can’t—”
“Don’t lecture me on what it means to be royal,” Theo cut him off. “You think it doesn’t matter what you do, but the only reason you can live that way is because I cover for you every day of your life.”
“Theo,” Xavier started, but he struggled for words before going on. “Whatever my failings as Father’s heir, I don’t see what it has to do with you and Elowen.”
“That’s because you don’t understand,” Theo said. “You’ve never understood. There is no me. There’s only my crown. But Elowen doesn’t want my crown. She wants me to give her myself. And I don’t know how to give her what she wants.”
“You’re scaring me, Theo,” Xavier said. “What you’re saying…the fact that you’re saying it at all. Did you take a blow to the head in that tournament of yours?”
Theo gave a humorless laugh, but it seemed Xavier was in earnest. He pressed his hand firmly to Theo’s forehead.
“You’re burning up, Theo,” he said.
“I’m not,” Theo contradicted. “It’s freezing in here.”
“That’s because you have a raging fever,” Xavier said grimly. “You’re flushed, your movements are affected, you should see how wild your eyes look. You said yourself your head has been pounding all morning.”
“I do feel worse than I did when I woke up,” Theo acknowledged. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should sleep it off. You need to get on the road anyway if you have a hope of catching the Carrackians.”
“We’re well past sleeping it off,” Xavier said firmly. “And I’m not going anywhere. I assume this castle has an infirmary. I’m taking you there.”
Theo protested, but he didn’t have much energy to fight as Xavier strode for the door. Theo listened as if through a tunnel as his brother flagged down a servant, demanding to know where the infirmary was and asking the man to send a message to Princess Elowen.
Before Theo knew it, he was being bustled through a section of the castle he’d never before explored.
Everything ached, but it wasn’t as though he was on the point of collapse.
Honestly, he thought the unplanned outburst to Xavier was as great a cause of his exhaustion as whatever illness was affecting him.
He felt a flash of irritation toward his overly helpful brother.
It wasn’t like Xavier to make such a fuss.
The royal physician had just ushered him onto a bed in the infirmary when Elowen hurried into the room. She looked pale and anxious, and Theo found himself reaching a hand instinctively toward her. He hated to see her distressed.
“What happened?” she demanded, her eyes darting from him to Xavier to the physician.
“It’s nothing,” Theo assured her. “Don’t be concerned.”
“I’ll be as concerned as I wish to be,” she told him curtly. “Don’t be a hero, Theo, you haven’t been well since yesterday evening. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
He blinked at her. “Yes.” The honest answer fell from his lips without any particular emotion.
“You’re wrong, Theo.” Her voice was lower now, a musical murmur. “I notice everything about you.” Her eyes shifted to the physician. “Please tell me what’s wrong with him.”
“I don’t know, Your Highness,” he said, checking Theo over with a practiced eye. “He has a fever, that much is evident. I would guess some kind of illness. So far I don’t see anything that causes me great concern.”
“What do you see?” Elowen pressed.
Theo was finding it hard to follow the conversation, so he let his mind wander as the physician spoke.
It was much more pleasant to focus his attention on Elowen, on the little crease between her brows as she listened anxiously to the physician, on the way her hair flowed like molten gold over her shoulders, on her perfect features.
“Do you perhaps not drink wine in Siqual?”
He had no idea why Elowen was asking Xavier about cultural matters. When had the physician stopped speaking?
“We do, of course.” Xavier sounded confused.
“Does Theo?” Elowen pressed.
“He’s not a drunkard, if that’s what you’re getting at,” Xavier said.
Was he offended on Theo’s behalf? It was apparently Xavier’s day for showing loyalty to his little brother.
“It’s not unusual for him to drink a glass of wine with a meal, but he’s too principled to do anything to compromise his reason.
So if you’re suggesting he’s just nursing a heavy head from a night of too much—”
“No.”
Elowen’s hair swished around her shoulders as she gave her head a quick shake.
Theo watched the motion, mesmerized. He could have sworn the trickle of magic issuing from the movement felt different from other Dust. Sweeter, more familiar, like he’d learned the rhythm of her movements.
What bizarre thoughts was his addled mind entertaining?
“I wasn’t suggesting drunkenness,” she said, her words still directed to Xavier.
“I think we need to consider poison. I noticed last night that he seemed very affected after drinking wine during our betrothal ceremony. But he only drank half the goblet, if that. I was surprised it was enough to have that impact.”
“That definitely doesn’t sound right,” Xavier said, alarm in his voice. “We need his guards in here. If there’s a possibility of poison, this is a different matter entirely.”
“Indeed.” The physician sounded uneasy. Theo’s eyes had drifted closed, and he couldn’t tell which royal the man was speaking to. “Forgive me, Your Highness, but I don’t think we should take any such steps without first seeking instructions from the king.”
Someone was arguing back, but Theo’s interest in the conversation was waning. Letting his focus drift to the sensation of Dust created by Elowen’s movements around the room, he felt the soothing embrace of sleep creeping over him.