Chapter 35
Julie
Alone In This World
RealTunesStudio
I had to get rid of it. Somehow.
Once again, I was on my own in my small, cold, and dark world. I had never felt so lonely as I did right now. With every little thought of what this something inside me could mean, another fragment of my future was shattered. Like a child throwing stones at a mirror without knowing what it was doing. Something destructive inside me that had decided to take on a life of its own. It was like a storm brewing in my body. And helpless didn’t even come close to describing what I was feeling.
It had started yesterday in the kitchen, when Vivienna had been standing there holding the pregnancy test in her hand. Ice cold shivers had run down my spine and I had felt how the drawer of the large kitchen island that I had been clinging to had gradually become covered in ice crystals. It had felt as if everything I came into contact with was trying to signal to me that I had failed. Especially that stupid pregnancy test.
I had hardly been able to bear Emely’s pitying look. Because if there was one thing I didn’t need, it was pity.
I didn’t care if she hated me, because anyone who didn’t like me was doing themselves a favor and didn’t give me any more unnecessary hope of being better than I actually was.
It had felt deserved when Vivienna had pushed me aside in the hallway that one day. But yesterday, when she had held up the pregnancy test like Cinderella’s shoe, I had felt like I was going to collapse the next moment.
It had been the Salma that had given me the last bit of strength to pretend that everything was fine. That’s how close I had been to the edge.
Inside me, the first big stone had flown against the glass, striking me with a brutal blow in the pit of my stomach.
When everyone had left for lectures, I had stayed there and thrown up. Three times.
I hadn’t been able to stop, and the side effect was that I had clearly felt my emotions again.
This morning, I had emptied the last vial, with the devastating realization that I was at the mercy of the sheer range of my emotions. And as long as I didn’t possess an elemental stone to help me get a grip on my powers, that meant only one thing: I was a walking danger to everything and everyone around me.
Physically, I was alive. But something was dying inside me, very slowly.
And until that minute, I had suppressed the fact that something was growing there in that pile of shards. Something that was supposed to live. It was only a matter of time before it cut itself. Because of what I was, it could die. Maybe it was too weak, weaker than me. It wasn’t even pureblood like me, though I still couldn’t believe that I was the child of two Quatura, as fragile as I was.
Here, this place I lived in, had weakened me. Whatever it was that I would face if I kept this child, I wasn’t ready for it. I could feel how it would break me, without any doubt.
The last thing I wanted was to bring a child into this cruel world.
The feeling that, no matter what I did, I would end up doing something wrong, crawled painfully up my throat.
You would kill it anyway, I kept telling myself, stifling a sob that quietly fought its way out and echoed off the sand-colored walls of the hallway, as if even the building had realized there was no place for it in this world.
I listened to the sound until it faded away.
Then I was alone again.
With every step I took through the half-open colonnades, I felt the cold around me. There was no doubt that it emanated from me, because I didn’t feel it the way you did when you were standing in the middle of a snow-covered landscape, freezing.
The cold was a part of me, always had been. Only it had taken years for my body to let it out, and now it was threatening to destroy everything.
I walked on through the stone corridors, past one of the courtyards, where a flock of ravens landed at that very moment, as if they were following me, past all the ancient columns that were literally being devoured by ivy.
The university had been built long before our time. Everything about this place seemed like something out of a dark fairy tale, and the stories from the diary Bayla had found had made me curious. We weren’t the only ones… Alice had been here, maybe even right here, where I was walking.
I stopped.
My gaze slid over the stone walls to the ground. The cobblestones, wet from the rain, shimmered slightly, even though the sun was no longer shining because the sky had been completely closed for a few days.
Irritated by my trance-like state, I started moving again.
I wasn’t a bit shocked that I had an aunt I’d never heard of. She had been older than Margot but younger than Amara.
Amara seemed to have been a completely different person back then. Maybe she had just been young and insecure, like me. But no one could be as miserable as me and become like her.
And this Alice? She seemed to have disappeared, just like him. This woman had known my father, my aunt, even Bayla’s mother and the director of Vanderwood, our English professor. It was more than strange that she – obviously a Quatura – had spent time with one of them without permission, with a Senseque. Alice had described the feeling: Forbidden.
I knew exactly what she meant. For a brief moment, it had felt like we had something in common. And I felt bad.
Why? Was I different from her? Was she even bad?
She had spent time with Alaister, more often, apparently. She and my supposed father had been friends. And they were both gone now.
The diary had awakened an irrepressible desire in me.
Who was this woman? What did she have to do with my father?
I deliberately hadn’t done any research on him to protect myself from disappointment. No one had talked about him, there were no pictures, nothing... As if he had never existed.
Alaister Westcode was like a shadow hanging over me now, as if he was haunting me. I had tried, again and again, to put the thought of a father out of my head. I didn’t want one. And above all, I didn’t need one. He hadn’t been there.
Whatever had existed between him and Margot... it hadn’t been strong enough to survive this town.
“He is dead.”
Gloria’s words from the last temple lesson echoed through my head.
“He is dead.”
That was all I knew about him. But now there were these diary entries from a girl I didn’t know. No one seemed to know her.
There seemed to be a hidden darkness between the lines of the diary, and I wanted to know if and how it continued, if there was more about Alaister, what had happened to him...
Not like in Moenia... That’s what Alice had written.
Not much seemed to have changed. The scriptures there were still not for the hands of those not in the top two ranks, which included me. I had never dared to even touch them. There was too much chance that they were covered in a spell of Earth magic, too little chance that they were filled with relevant information.
I had never understood how all these books were just sitting there, full of stories about the town, filled with magical knowledge about everything and everyone. But only those who belonged to the Councils could afford to look inside and learn something.
As Domini, Amara was an exception, and soon Grace would be too.
Another reason why I felt like a stranger there. Everything there screamed that I was unwanted, even my ancestry.
Pretty. That’s how the girl from the diary had described him. Platinum blond hair, ice-blue eyes with a slight tint of green.
It was only a few minutes ago, when I’d idiotically looked in the bathroom mirror to see if I could see anything yet – of course I couldn’t – that I’d noticed the resemblance to his description.
I looked like a ghost. But now, this ghost had an origin.
He had been cheeky, she had written. Had I ever been cheeky? No. Nowhere did I find memories of my identity that pointed to a wild, impetuous and mischievous child. I had forgotten a lot, thanks to the Salma, thanks to Gloria.
A shiver ran through me.
Thanks to Gloria.
Never.
I managed to push the thought aside, away from this woman and back to him.
He seemed to have been clever, passionate about science, and he had a controversial opinion about the species.
We were strictly forbidden to even think about such things. We had to remain among ourselves. Mixing was not possible, a hybrid was unknown to me and if it had ever come to that, the Councils would have intervened.
The idea of a war over such an unpleasant matter was absurd. Nothing like that would ever happen. Everyone would kill each other first.
He had been right. The rules of inheritance separated us.
How could he have talked about it with her? He was Gloria’s son. This woman was the devil himself.
More questions arose in me. Again. But what surprised me most was that someone had liked him, him, Gloria Westcode’s son, Amanda’s brother, the man no one dared talk about. Alice Blair, of all people, had worried about him. And he had consumed Salma...
I had felt sick when I realized what Gloria had done. She had dosed her son with the serum, just as she had done to me all those years. And an evil premonition had spread through me.
Everything about my thoughts seemed forbidden, because still no one talked about him.
But now, there was this diary…
Suddenly I felt the shadow again. This time it wasn’t just hanging over me, it surrounded my fragile appearance.
Would I become like him? And if so? What had he even been like?
My thoughts spun like a whirlpool, and with every “What if?” the shadow wrapped itself further around me.
Bump.
Pearson Specter Litt
Christopher Tyng
I bounced back and stared at the stern female features of the person in front of me. She was elegant, certainly attractive to the men out there in the wide world... Until she opened her mouth.
“Julie Westcode!”
“Blair,” I corrected her a little more sharply than I intended.
“Blair...” co-director Harlow sighed mockingly and grabbed my arm – which I hadn’t expected – and pulled me through a hallway that was filling up with countless students, up a huge spiral staircase, all the way to the director’s hallway. But she led me past his office.
Another sigh escaped her, she looked around, not letting go of my arm, then pulled me through a door that led us up to another door, and finally into the dark but luxuriously furnished tower room.
Bronze and black, from the seating to the curtains that hung in front of the second largest window in the entire building.
Professor Copeland had managed to banish Gloria's closest Council member to one of the smaller corner towers.
Rebecca Harlow let go of my arm and I stumbled back, only now realizing how woozy I actually felt. She had dragged me here, and I hadn’t really realized it until now.
What was wrong with me?
“You seem paler than usual, wandering around like a stray cat.” Her voice sounded sharp as she wandered around the desk to sit down. As she did so, she arched her back strangely. She was the cat. “You and Grace both seem more distant since... well, the incident.”
It was clear what she meant by the incident. In fact, no one talked about it. It was just as much a taboo subject as he was. On top of that, all the Quatura on campus were staring at me, and I would have loved to freeze them all into pillars of ice.
That thought was cold-hearted. But maybe that was just me. I had managed to block Erik out. I only read our chat history every night, clicked through his blog in my spare time, which had been inactive since we’ve met, and my heart was like a ticking time bomb every time I heard my phone vibrate, only to be sobered by the realization that it wasn’t him, but Grace or Amara.
I should throw my phone away. I didn’t deserve his understanding messages, and I would never be able to get in touch with him again.
Damn it, I was carrying his baby inside me.
A bitter ache shot through my chest, and the thought that this something inside me was a part of Erik that I was now carrying made my knees shake.
How was I supposed to let something go that reminded me of the only person in my life who had made me feel wanted?
I forbade myself to think about it any further.
Actually, I had to let him forget, but the risk of losing my emotional control if I met him again was too high. He knew too little about me, and that should be to my advantage. He would forget me at some point. He had to...
My heart tightened.
What had I done?
I felt like an immature teenager who no longer had her life under control. Basically, I was nothing more than that. I wasn’t even nineteen yet and already pregnant by someone I’d only met once before.
“Sit down.”
Harlow’s voice sounded demanding, and I sat down immediately, my eyes on my wrist because I felt pain. Her fingernails had clawed deep into my skin when she’d dragged me here, leaving red half-moons between the pale scars on my skin, just below the fresh cut from a few hours ago.
“You’re probably wondering what I want from you.”
I looked up.
“Well, what can I say? You’ve caught Gloria’s interest.”
My heart tightened, except in a completely different way compared to the Erik pain.
“She’s of the opinion that your still unbridled powers can be used for greater purposes.”
Used. That was all Gloria saw in me. A use.
“She has given me the task of training you until she takes on the task herself.”
She seemed to realize that I was getting restless inside, because her lips formed into a smile.
“Believe me. Gloria sees a lot in you that the Councils see as a risk.”
My body tensed as she came to me and paced around the armchair. Her hands were suddenly on my shoulders.
I hated it when others touched me, especially when I didn’t know the person and didn’t like them.
“Potential,” she whispered, and I tried to control my breathing.
My hands were on my lap, wet with ice crystals and... clearly visible to her.
I could literally feel her gaze on my skin as it drilled through me, heard the thoughts rattling in her head without me being able to guess exactly what she was thinking until she came out from behind me and strode back to her desk.
“Nevertheless, your father was a dangerous man.”
“My father...” I mumbled those strange words for the first time, and she paused in her stride to turn and lean on her desk.
“You seem to take after your mentally unstable mother in character.”
The look on her face was full of... pity?
Shame spread through me.
How could she compare me to Margot when she didn’t even know me?
My mouth remained closed, even though the words were burning on my tongue. I kept quiet because it was better not to reveal any information rather than trying to prove myself.
The only one who didn’t listen to me was my cursed body. More ice crystals made their way up my arm... and she watched it with pleasure.
The first time I had seen this woman, I had already realized that she was one of those who must have been born with cold feelings.
I often wished I could be like that.
Wishes I had were like heroin. They seemed to fuel me, I wanted more... until I was broken by the false hope that these desires had triggered in me.
“Dear God! Gloria’s got her work cut out for her,” she laughed suddenly, her neck bones standing out. “Although I know it took her quite a bit of effort.”
My body tensed again.
The fear of Gloria was still greater than anything else.
Professor Harlow’s expression became more serious, albeit accompanied by that ambiguous smile. “I’ll make you an offer.”
Once again, she crept around the desk like a cat and reached for a black, beautifully decorated wooden box that must be very old.
“I can tell you’re uncomfortable having to deal with Gloria.” Was I really that readable? “That’s why I suggest that I train you and take you under my wing temporarily, just between us, of course.”
I looked at the woman in front of me and had difficulty interpreting her facial expressions.
Of course. Just between us. What else had I expected? Something told me that this was a really bad idea. She didn’t seem to realize that I could hurt her with my magic.
“Sooner or later, she’ll demand to train me,” I replied with a dry tone.
And I was right. Although it was a mystery to me how she could have hated her son so much that she never spoke about him and yet now wanted to use me for her purposes.
“Well...” Professor Harlow began promisingly, coming toward me with the box, sitting down on the edge of the desk, and crossing her legs. “You must know, my influence within the Councils is very considerable.”
That didn’t change the fact that Gloria was above her.
So I tried a different approach.
“Who can guarantee that I’ll learn anything from you?”
The corners of her mouth turned upwards.
“This.”
My breath caught as she opened the box and held it out to me, filled with at least 50 bottles of Salma. Elegant-looking glass vials, all filled with the shiny grayish liquid and secured with silver caps.
But something else caught my eye. An ornate R, decorated with thorny tendrils, which stood out in silver from the vials. The symbol of the Councils.
How on earth...
Rebecca Harlow gestured promisingly at the contents of the box. “That’s assuming, of course, that this remains our little secret.”
Camera Obscura
Angus MacRae
She hadn’t given me the box, just ten bottles, as a generous advance payment.
Very generous.
My skin prickled with nervousness. It definitely felt wrong to keep this secret and not run straight to Grace. It felt like a betrayal.
But what was worse? Betrayal or my powers bursting out of me without me meaning to and accidentally hurting Grace at some point?
There was only one way to get my magic under control.
I pulled the clear crystal from my pocket that I had taken from Bay’s bedside table. It was my only chance. She wouldn’t miss it. In fact, it was worthless as long as it wasn’t linked to its bearer and their element. A slightly too pointed crystal, white and empty. That was all it was.
I hurried through the corridors, past countless students, and when I spotted Bay and Larissa, I quickened my pace.
They would talk to me. And I liked them. I wasn’t supposed to like anyone, and vice versa. If there was a way to strip away all this vulnerable humanity, I would do it.
My humanity made me make mistakes, and so I had told them about the problem with my molecular biology professor.
I had skipped the last seminar simply because the problem that was in my gut had thrown me off track too much.
I looked around again and exhaled with relief as they walked past without noticing me and hurried to the massive gates of the library.
“Julie,” I heard from my right, and a damn strong person pulled me into one of the many small side passageways.
I looked into dark brown eyes. Emely’s eyes.
My posture stiffened automatically.
It wasn’t often I was this close to a Senseque and Julian was definitely an exception. But Emely? She hated us, actually... On top of that, I had already been this close to her once. In the bathroom, a few days ago.
“I’m sorry,” she said, to my surprise, as if she had done something very bad that forced her to apologize to me, a Quatura. “You must be insanely confused and upset and...”
Then it clicked.
“I’ll be fine,” I interrupted her urgently, wondering at the concern in her gaze. “And the last thing I need right now is that look on your face.”
Pity. It was everywhere I looked – the reason I recognized that emotion so well on other people’s faces.
As if she had just been waiting for those words, the usual look came back to her face.
“Sorry... I just wanted to apologize for that stupid test.”
My eyes widened, and I pulled her further into the shadows.
She was too loud.
Then I began quietly. “Please, don’t tell anyone.” I couldn’t interpret the look on her face. “Please.”
Actually, I should feel pathetic asking a Senseque who hated our guts for anything. Except that my future depended on her willingness to remain silent. If she wanted to, she could ruin me.
As if she had read my thoughts, her eyes widened, framed by thick lashes. “You really think that poorly of me?”
“You hate us,” I said quickly, hoping she didn’t notice my embarrassment.
“This is an exception.” She looked tense.
“Is it?” I asked. “I could kill you, after all.” I didn’t like this honesty on my part at all.
Emely looked at me with a fixed expression. “I honestly respect your strange powers.”
Then she sighed and something loosened in her facial expression. “I gave you an expired test. That was my mistake, and I couldn’t help but at least apologize.”
I had to pull the corners of my mouth up a little in despair. A sign that the Salma was continuing to fade.
“I was never angry with you,” I confessed honestly.
Relief entered her eyes.
“And I thought you wanted to get back at me.”
“You’re definitely not on my list,” I joked dryly, and she even laughed.
Then she looked around. “I better go... Not that we’ll be seen together. You know... The social distancing rules...” She smiled sheepishly. “In case there’s a problem with the...” She paused and looked at my stomach.
Shame spread through me, as if I had done something scandalous.
She meant what was growing inside me.
“I’ll have it removed.” I noticed my cheeks getting warmer. “Don’t worry.”
Emely blushed and pressed her lips together.
“I’m sorry,” she continued hastily, and before I could blink an eye, she had shouldered her bag and stormed past me.
My mind was racing, and I tried to make sense of the conversation I had just had. Unsuccessfully. And the only realization I came to was that I had lied to Emely.
I wouldn’t be able to get rid of it.