Chapter 18
Chapter
Eighteen
THEA
Iwake with a jolt, a scream trapped in my throat as I tear free from dreams of battle and blood. What had happened? Had I stopped the arrows? Had I stopped enough of Amon’s forces to give Killian and his men a chance? My heart races and panic thunders through my veins.
“Easy,” the low, rumbling voice that’s quickly become the center of my world says from across the room.
I blink, brushing hair from my face, and realize that I’m in Killian’s bed, safely back inside his tent.
He’s sitting at his desk, watching me from the shadows.
Relief rushes through me. He’s ok. He’s here and he’s ok and he’s—
Oh fuck.
I’d used my Gift. He knows the truth. Or, he knows I have the power to wield ice, at least. I swallow hard and lick my dry lips. As always, he seems to read my mind.
“Water on the table.”
He sounds…neither angry nor happy. Even-toned.
Closed off. I don’t know if that’s a bad sign or not, and decide I need the extra minute to collect my thoughts, so I pour a glass and drink the entire thing in a few long gulps, gasping, but quickly refilling it again.
I feel alright, physically, though I’m still tired.
I remember the blood on my hand before I passed out and instinctively reach upward. My fingers of course come away empty.
“Copeland checked. You are alright. The…exertion strained your body and caused the blood. I’m assuming it was because you were close to the Brink.” His voice tightens at that.
“Oh,” I say, not having any idea what else to offer. I remember the feeling, of seeing the limits of my power, feeling the weight of them trying to tear me apart—and choosing to keep going. For those soldiers. For Dessa and Mia.
But mostly for him. Everything I have and everything I am, is for him.
“Is everyone alright? The battle…”
“There was no battle,” he says, tone still flat. “You froze the whole of Amon’s army in their tracks.” He says it matter of factly, but my eyes bulge and I cough on the water, nearly choking. My heart races. There’s no way that’s fucking possible. He has to be mistaken.
“That’s…impossible,” I whisper.
“The thousand men permanently entombed in ice would beg to differ, I’d wager.”
I run my hand through my hair, not able to wrap my mind around what he’s saying. How could I possibly do such a thing?
-I told you that you have no idea what you’re capable of, daska,- Soren purrs in my mind. -I’m glad you’re awake. I’ll leave you to your…conversation.-
He says conversation as if he truly means confession and possible battle following thereafter, and my heart thuds against my chest again for completely different reasons.
-Good luck…-
“I’m waiting, Tess,” Killian finally says after I remain silent for a few moments, trying to gather my thoughts, trying to figure out how to fix this. My finger snakes into my hair, twirling, twirling, twirling, heart hammering.
Killian rises and stalks towards me, dragging the chair with him and placing it just beside the bed.
He sits again, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, and meets my gaze.
His eyes are more gray than blue in the low light, but they’re churning with too many things to name.
Thankfully none of them seem to be rage.
“Tess,” he says again, softer. A plea.
I think about lying. I could make up a story about a second Gift that I’d hidden away all these years, or maybe he would believe I gained a second when I bonded—little is really known about familiars anymore.
It could be a possibility for all we know.
..But I discard the ideas as quickly as they surface.
I don’t want to lie to him anymore. I want to tell him everything, every last detail about who I am and the life I’ve lived.
I need him to know. I’ll figure out the rest after we get to Duskthorne.
If I can freeze an entire army, surely I can convince Dorian that not having Tesni to ransom isn’t such a bad thing, in the end.
Though, I’m not sure I could do something that extreme again. ..
So, feeling as though it may be a terrible idea, I take a deep breath, and I tell him the truth.
“My name,” I say softly, “is Thea.”
“What?” His brow furrows, every line of his handsome face etched with confusion. Whatever he’d been expecting me to say, it sure as hells wasn’t that.
“I will tell you the truth, all of it, every single detail if you wish it, though I’ll warn you that many are unpleasant, but…
but I need you to let me get everything out before you ask questions.
” I know I need to rip the bandage off, as Cece would say.
Open the gates and let everything out all at once.
This will be the first time I’ve ever told my entire truth out loud to anyone.
There are parts that even Cece and Math don’t know.
He stares at me, jaw clenching and unclenching, his fists doing the same. He finally seems to force his body to heel, his jaw relaxing and his fingers unfurling. He runs a hand across his bearded chin before finally saying, “Alright.”
“Tesni is my twin sister. We—”
“Twin?? No, that’s not possible. Barony’s Gifted doesn’t have a—” I give him a look and though it seems like it physically pains him, he presses his lips into a hard line and nods.
“Tesni is my twin,” I say again. “Barony adopted us when we were four years old with the hopes that we would have Gifts. I lived in the castle with my sister until we were twelve.” I swallow hard around the lump in my throat as the memories of that awful day come flooding back, but I tell him all of it.
I tell him about Barony’s twisted game of forcing the two of us to choose who would stay and who would be sold; of how I never would have thought either of us could play, but Tesni leapt at the chance; of how the sister I thought I’d known died that day, the cruel, heartless bitch that he’d heard tale of taking her place.
I told him how I escaped, the fear and the pain and the utter despair I felt as I fled.
I tell him about the long, awful days afterward hiding in ditches and alleyways, digging through rubbish bins for food, dodging Barony’s soldiers prowling through the kingdom to find me.
I tell him of the months on the road as I made my way south, of the men who were…
unkind to a young girl on her own. His knuckles turn white from how tightly he clenches his fists at that, and he rises to pace.
I spare him all of the details, of the things tried and the harm I caused in response, skipping ahead to Tobias instead.
“He saved my life in more ways than I could possibly count,” I say, bittersweet memories making my heart swell and shatter at once.
“He took me in and protected me, fed me, taught me to defend myself and how to find my way by the stars, how to be smart and strong and kind, no matter how bad things got. My surname is from him: Sparrowhill. He called me Sparrow in those first few months, when I was too afraid to speak the truth, because of the cut—now scar—just here,” I say, tapping on my collarbone.
The spot that Killian likes to kiss, the memories of his tongue and lips there making my pulse jump.
“His surname was Hill, so I combined the two when I was brave enough to reclaim my own first name, the only thing I was able to keep of myself for a very long time.” I clear my throat around the lump lodged there before I can continue.
“He got sick a few years after we met. It happened quickly, thank the Makers, so he didn’t suffer long.
After that, I took all that he taught me and found my way to Helios.
I’d planned to find passage on a boat to Sol and leave the continent behind completely, but I met Cecelia and Matthais and they saved me all over again.
Tobias taught me how to survive. Math and Cece taught me how to live again. ”
I tell him of the crazy dream Math had to open a tavern right at the port, drawing in all of the sailors and living with paradise right outside our front door, and how we all worked ourselves to the bone for three long years before we saved up enough to buy the building and get the tavern up and running.
Killian stops pacing at that and exhales, deciding the worst of the story has passed and coming to sit once more.
“Not long after we opened the tavern, I got a letter from Tesni telling me that she knew where I was, and so long as I stayed hidden away, she would keep my location and the fact that I was still alive, a secret. She left me alone for years after that, as promised. I lived my life, changed my appearance, and became someone else entirely. Until one day…”
I tell him the rest of the story and he keeps his promise to remain silent until I finish.
“And…and that’s all, I guess.” I let out a long, slow exhale and twist my fingers into the fur blanket, more anxious than I’ve ever been.
What will he think? What will he do? “I wanted to tell you the truth, but I couldn’t, not until we reached Duskthorne and I found out what Dorian wanted to do with me.
” He clenches his jaw but nods, seeming to understand. “Are you…angry?”
He blinks at that. “Angry?”
“That I’m not who I said I was. That I’ve been lying to you all this time.”
“You were lying to save your own life. You were lying to protect yourself and people you care about.” His eyes burn with a sudden intensity then, as if the words are some of the most important he’s ever said. “How could I be angry with you for that?”
The vice around my heart that had been tightening and tightening while I waited for his response finally releases its grip and relief floods through my veins like a raging river.