Chapter 28
The only thing I can seem to latch onto, while Bea and her mum cling onto each other and cry, and laugh, and marvel at each other, is Miles’ face.
He’s a man who’s seen a ghost.
He watches his ex-wife and his daughter before turning to me, and there’s no faking the panic and conflict on his face. His eyes are wide, and he takes a step towards me before stopping himself.
‘Allegra,’ he says, and all his former social awkwardness returns in one fell swoop. ‘Meet Saoirse, who’s been nannying for us.’
I’m back to being the nanny.
Just like that.
Of course I am.
There’s no way I’d expect Miles to acknowledge any other aspect of our relationship in front of this woman.
Bea’s mum looks up at me, gets to her feet and shoots me a huge smile.
She bends and scoops Bea up in her arms before coming for me, so we end up in a kind of group hug.
Wow. She smells incredible. And she feels incredible.
She’s wrapped in gorgeous, neutral cashmere and her hair is all shiny and bouncy and perfect. Elle Macpherson hair.
And also, most devastatingly, she is beautiful. Those pictures had nothing on the real deal. She pulls out of the hug and pats me on the arm.
‘Saoirse! So great to meet you! I’ve heard so much about you from Bea and Monty! Thank you so much for looking after my little one so well!’
Monty? I glance over at Miles. His face has turned to stone. I know that expression. He’s totally retreated.
‘It’s my pleasure,’ I spit out. ‘She’s an amazing little lady.
’ I smile at Bea, who’s staring at her mother in adoration while she strokes her mum’s hair and sucks her thumb.
She couldn’t have conjured her up from the other side of the world, just by writing a letter to Santa?
Could she? I shake myself. Don’t be bloody ridiculous, Saoirse.
‘Have I got your name right? Saoirse? Like Saoirse Ronan?’
‘Exactly!’ This woman’s earned a brownie point. I can’t resist a glance at Miles as if to say see? Some people know her. He rolls his eyes, but otherwise is unmoved.
My curiosity gets the better of me. ‘Are you—was this a surprise? Because Miles never mentioned—’
You. He never mentioned that there was the slightest chance of you popping up like this, right after we took our relationship to the next level.
‘No!’ Allegra beams again. Her smile is dazzling. Either she’s genetically blessed, or she’s gone for full Californian dentistry. And up close, her skin is flawless. An even, healthy, just-tanned-enough glow. ‘It was a surprise! I just came straight from Heathrow. That’s why I look so haggard.’
If this is this woman’s idea of haggard, I’m in trouble. If this is Miles’ idea of a woman looking haggard, I’m fucked.
What am I thinking?
I’m fucked anyway.
The mother of his child is back in the UK.
The woman who broke his heart.
Who he loved enough to marry and make the world’s most beautiful little girl with.
I throw him a miserable glance, and it seems to rouse him from his stupor.
‘Saoirse.’ He clears his throat. ‘Why don’t you head on home. Allegra and I can take it from here.’
Allegra and I can take it from here?
Allegra and I.
Just like that, I’m redundant.
Shut out.
Pressure and moisture build behind my eyelids in the most horrible, mortifying way. I need to get out of here. Now.
‘Sure thing.’ I make my voice as cheery as possible and lean forward to kiss Bea. ‘Bye, Beadle. Allegra, it’s lovely to meet you. Have a good evening. Bye, Miles.’
I back towards the doorway, but Miles grabs my rucksack.
‘I’ll see you out.’
Bertie is manning the lift, so we spend the descent quiet and tense. I can feel Miles looking at me, but I keep my head down and focus on my nails.
When we emerge into the lobby, Miles puts a hand on my back and guides me over to a quiet sofa towards the back. It’s partially hidden by a large Christmas tree. I hang back as he sits, but he pulls at my sleeve.
‘Sit for a minute, will you?’
I sit awkwardly in my bulky coat.
‘Saoirse.’ He takes my hand. ‘I am so sorry. I had no fucking idea Allegra was about to barge in and blindside us—me—like that.’
‘I know you didn’t. It’s okay.’ My voice is small.
‘Look at me. Please.’
I look up, and his expression softens. ‘There she is.’
He strokes a piece of hair off my face, and I stay rigid. This feels wrong, given who’s upstairs.
‘It seems she’s back in the UK for good, and she wants to spend Christmas as a family.’
It’s a slap in the face. ‘Right. Okay. Of course.’
‘This is a massive shock to me, too. She only showed up half an hour ago. I need to get my head straight, baby. I owe it to Bea.’
That shakes me out of my stupor. I squeeze the hand that’s still holding mine.
‘Of course you do. That’s what you should do, so don’t feel bad.
You know, we wrote Bea’s letter to Santa today before we went to Harrods.
I’ll send you the picture I took of it. But Miles, she put her mum on the list. She wished for her mummy.
And she comes home, and her mum is there waiting for her.
Do you have any idea how unbelievable that is? I’m so happy for her.’
I drop my head and the tears come, and I hope to God Miles thinks they’re tears of joy for Bea, for this amazing little girl whose belief in magic has just been vindicated by this Christmas miracle, and not tears of sadness for myself.
Because the problem is that what’s bad for me is good for Bea, and Bea’s happiness is far, far more important than mine. She’s a tiny girl who was abandoned and heartbroken, and now her mum has come back for her. She has a chance of happiness.
It may just have coincided with me losing mine.
‘Look. I need some time to think this over.’ Miles pinches the bridge of his very nice, very straight nose. ‘I owe it to Bea to give Allegra a chance, see what her story is.’
‘I know. I understand, I really do.’ My bottom lip is trembling like Bea’s. Miles looks up and sees it, and touches his finger to it.
‘I’ll give you a shout after Christmas, all right? Just—just take the time off, and I hope it’s not too late for you to get home to your family.’
I nod numbly. ‘Merry Christmas,’ I whisper. ‘Give Bea a huge kiss from me.’
‘Merry Christmas, baby.’
It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to hear him say, but it was never meant to sound like a goodbye.
He presses his lips to my cheek and rolls his face slightly against me, inhaling against my skin. Then he stands up and walks back towards the lifts.